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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » I guess I'm just having a lot of envy...

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Author Topic: I guess I'm just having a lot of envy...
psykins
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Right now I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is just penis envy (Oh, Freud... [Razz] ) or something bigger. I just feel really unhappy in my female body. I hate having periods. I hate the shape and...general fatness of my thighs. I can't see myself as pretty most of the time (sometimes in the face or my upper body, where I am actually quite small) and I feel so disgusted most of the time that I look at photos because I think I'm so unphotogenic. No one I look at looks as gross as I feel, and I know this is all negative language about myself but I just want to say how I feel.

I'm currently engaged and getting married actually very soon (this summer). I am most definitely attracted to males and love every inch of my fiance's body. Sometimes I worry that I love it too much - I think I envy it. I am very lucky in that he's very open. We're both big GLBT supporters and also very open with each other and willing to try anything. Because of this, we have roleplayed a few times where we pretend that I am male and he mimes sexual acts with my 'penis.' Sometimes he pretends he is female, but more often he is male also. It turns me on a LOT, so much that I often orgasm without any direct stimulation. But it has really gotten me thinking about how much I dislike my current body and wish I had been born male. I have said that before, but it was more 'I am fine with my female body but if I got to choose before I was born I would choose to be male,' but now it's more, 'I'm NOT happy with my female body and I wish I WAS male.'

My fiance is very much straight, although the times we have discussed my gender he has said that he loves me now and would stay with me no matter what. It does scare me that we would never have gotten together in the first place if I had been born male, though. I am just really confused right now. I am not sure whether I only want to be male because I hate being female so much and it sounds like a better option, or because I really desire to be male. My fiance says that being male is not all sunshine and rainbows and happy, but it's still hard for me to let go of the idea that it would be easier and better. I'm not even sure what I would do if I WERE to come to the conclusion that I want to be male. Would I just change the way I dress? Right now I'm not super girly, but I do wear makeup and dresses and heels on occasion.

I'm just really confused, any insight would be great...

Posts: 14 | From: US | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm sorry you're havng such a tough time right now, but it's awesome how supportive and flexible your partner is being.

I think you already know how wide a range there is in the gender spectrum. It may be that you're trans, it may be that you're genderqueer, it may be that you're also neither of those things, save with sex, and just having a tough time with body image (especially since one can't change things like your thigh-shape with hormones or anything else, really, you bones are your bones, your body size is your body size). It may be you're somewhere else entirely.

How you present your gender identity, whatever it is at any point, is up to you. You could change the way you dress, but you also don't have to, and if you change the way you dress, how you change it is your call.

I wonder if you've done any reading when it comes to gender identity? If not, I'd be happy to suggest a couple books to start with that might help you get a better sense of where you're at.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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psykins
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Just a question, although I know that definitions can be restrictive and there may not be one definition for all people, but what is meant by genderqueer?

I haven't done much reading. I didn't really know this was that much of an issue til the last few months. It was actually at a GLBT Allies training event that I first became aware that I wasn't like the other female-gendered people I was talking to. We were talking a lot about gender identity in a small group, and they all expressed frustration at the way that females are treated sometimes but general contentment with their gender identity and no real wishes to be male. I realized that it's not really like that for me...

So yeah, lit would be great. Thanks.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Genderqueer can mean a bunch of different things. Some people use it as an umbrella term for everything not gendernormative, like gendervariant. Some use it to express being gendervariant but also outside the male/female binary. Some use it to just express feeling different than others when it comes to gender. Some use it when they're questioning gender (and some use "questioning" altogether).

Per books, the very first thing I'd suggest getting your hands on is Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook."

You might also look for "Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us," by Kate, "Sexing the Body" by Dr. Anne Fausto-Sterling, "GenderQueer: Voices From Beyond the Sexual Binary," by Joan Nestle, "Gender Trouble" by Judith Butler, and "The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You" by my friend S. Bear Bergman.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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Okay...so you hate your body? Is this about your gender or your sex? Do you feel comfortable being female in gender, because as far as I'm getting I feel that you're not comfortable with your biological sex...but does this have to do with your gender identity? [Confused] There is gender dysphoria and genital dysphoria...do you feel uncomfortable with your biological sex, your gender or both? Here is a rescource for you--I hope it helps [Smile] :
I'm not really sure how to help but I hope I can. If I misinterpreted what you said, please let me know. [Big Grin]
http://heartcorps.com/journeys/beginners/how-to-tell.htm

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Daki, while we appreciate your help, this thread is already a year old. The poster has already received an answer they found helpful, and there is no need to bring back such an old thread unless you have a similar question or something new to add.

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-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9004 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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