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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Am I a Freak?

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Author Topic: Am I a Freak?
iAmRoxy
Neophyte
Member # 46113

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This is something that's really been puzzling me for a while now, I've been lurking this site for a while and maybe you guys can help me.

What follows may be confusing, it confuses even me sometimes, but I'll try to make it as understandable as possible O_O

I am biologically female, two X chromosomes, and all the equipment and so forth. But ever since I can remember I've never, ever felt totally "male" or "female" on the inside. My personality and mind have always seemed to contain even amounts of both. A way I've heard this described is "psychologically androgynous".

A few examples, I enjoy "girly" things like wearing eyeliner, and I gush over kittens! :3 (but I also love snakes and spiders, things other girls freak out over...) But at the same time I have "masculine" interests too like hunting, fishing, and PC games.

Some people think I'm a lesbian because of this and my short-ish hair (I think it's adorable!), but I'm totally straight. Yet at the same time, I WAY prefer more feminine "metrosexual" men over highly masculine "macho men".

A while ago, I tried to be more normal by growing my hair long and being more girly, but it kind of backfired and I made a fool out of myself because that's just not who I am. But at the same time I know I wouldn't feel comfortable being a total buch either. Oh, and I just took that BBC "Male or Female Brain" test and it put me squarely at 0 - meaning right in between the two extremes heh.

This bothers me because everything is so divided along male/female boundaries in our culture, and I just don't know how to fit in and be normal, it's not wigging me TOO far out, it just gets on my mind makes me wonder [Razz]

Sorry if I've bored/confused/disturbed any of you, I just need to rant - and gage how weird I am. ;P

Posts: 2 | From: Around the World | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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Hi iAmRoxy, I don't have long to "talk" today but you sound totally fine as you are now! Someone can come by later on with more information but here are some articles for starters. [Smile] I'd argue that even if there are a lot of prescribed gender roles/expectations in society, I don't find myself constricted by them in terms of living how I want to live. I can't speak from experience for the "Male or Female Brain" quiz from the BBC; while the BBC may be a reliable source in general, I don't put much stock in stuff like that because I'm not believing in these gender binaries in the first place. [Smile]

Here are those articles:
Boys Will Be Boys...or Not? Straight Talk About Gender
Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/am_i_normal_who_cares
http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/identity
http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/gender

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Mortality
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You sound like a perfectly normal person to me. I don't think I know anyone who only has stereotypically girly traits. I say stereotypical cos both gender roles rely heavily on stereotypes. My ex-boyfriend makes really great food. I can't cook. My science teacher in junior high got pregnant, but the father stayed home with the kid while she went to work. My mum works with computers. That list is never ending.
Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rambly_rosa
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I can totally relate, actually...

I am "biologically" female (some of the articles above explain why even biological sex can be ambiguous and arbitrary), and I am percieved as a woman in society.

However, there are DEFINITELY some aspects of the stereotpyical feminine gender role that I cannot act out with any degree of naturalness. To go along with that, there are aspects of the masculine gender role that feel totally right to me. On top of it all, I'm attracted to both men and women, but I tend to gravitate to those with more ambiguous gender presentations... no stereoypical macho men or girly girls for me. Gender is not as cut-and-dried as society tries to make us believe, I think...

I think the best thing you can do is be very aware of what things are and aren't right for you - to pay attention to how YOU want to "do" gender, rather than to play into how society wants you to act as a woman (or, on the flip side, taking things to an uncomfortable "butch" extreme that also feels unnatural). I can totally relate to your long-hair fiasco - I think incidents like those are part of the process of figuring out what's right for you =)

Posts: 9 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SpiderGirl91
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Member # 45953

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pshhhhhh you are NOT a freak in any way!!!! don't listen to people that try to label you as a certain kind of person ever, that's where confusion sets in.

plenty of girls like both girly and masculine things, and vice versa. it doesn't make you a freak because you may be different than the girls you know. heck, I'd love to meet you...we sound a lot alike (:

Posts: 14 | From: Michigan | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Member # 34135

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Hey iAmRoxy!

You are most certainly not a freak. The issue is that of "doing gender"-- the act of 'putting on' the gender that the society we are born in teaches us we 'are.' While many folks exist outside and everywhere on the "lines" of the gendered world, the mainstream belief is that men are one way, and women are another.

You said it yourself-- long hair and "being more girly" was not you. That does not mean you are any less of a woman. You are simply being yourself. Not all women are the same. That's the trouble with the binaries that are set up in lots of societies... They can often make us feel as though we are outliers when really, who IS a "real woman" or a "real man"?

Do what feels comfortable for you and just remember that most of us are struggling (or have struggled) with our identities, even if we don't have the articulate words to express it like you do. [Smile]

--------------------
-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

Posts: 116 | From: Olympia, WA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
queeneve
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Member # 45932

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Hi Roxy,

You know, I'm glad someone said something about this. I think everyone struggles with this to a degree. I know I do. I've actually started telling people I have 'man traits'.

I hate to shop (especially for shoes!), but when I do I wind up buying pretty dresses. Then I wind up wearing the same old jeans I've had since the seventh grade. Also, I hate talking about my feelings, and I'm terrible at it, I might add. I just don't understand the whole gossipy-gushy girl thing.

My point is that your not alone. My best advice is to be patient with yourself, don't make excuses for your ideas or how you act (which is to say, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone) Be proud of who you are and of what makes you unique!

--------------------
"Maybe I'm just the horizion you run to when she has left you"

Posts: 9 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
I just don't understand the whole gossipy-gushy girl thing.
Which may not be a "girl-thing" at all, anymore than not liking to wear dresses may not be a "guy-thing."

In other words, I think it's helpful that for any of us in or who have been in places/identities where it's clear gender stereotyping is problematic make sure we aren't enabling the whole system by inadvertently doing it ourselves. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
doritos3285
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I think you are perfectly fine!
I'm pretty much like you.
I like boys and some girl stuff,
but I LOVE video games, comic books, and martial arts, and so many guy stuff!

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longlost
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Just because you like guy things doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

When I was little I rode mini bikes and played with hotwheels and I'm as straight as ever, I love guys things (and to note, "guy things" are only guy things because society socializes us this way, technically toy trunks don't have to be for little boys).

I think the right term might be "tom boy" you might be a little boyisha but I don't think that changes sexual orientation.

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Karybu
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Just so everyone's on the same page, gender identity is something completely separate from sexual orientation.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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