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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » I think my bf gives me the "double standard"

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Author Topic: I think my bf gives me the "double standard"
lain
Neophyte
Member # 39804

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Me and my boyfriend have been going out for around 4 months now, but we've known each other for much longer. Since the very first day we started dating, I told him straightout that I was a very laid back girl, who is straight forward, honest, and isn't easily grossed out, freaked out, etc. So of course, we talk about sex, what we like/don't with ease and comfort.

We don't have anal/vaginal intercourse. However, he does "feel me up" and I give him oral ever so often. But whenever I do, I feel like there's a double standard. He plays off the 'sweet' 'nice' guy, but when I don't want to just jump into his pants he backs off but still gives me the "you're no fun" look accompanied at times with a pout or two until I give in[Which I know I shouldn't]

And so if I give in or I just do it because I want to from the start, of course he just adores me and is completely pleased. But afterwards, when it's all done, by the small mannerisms & some of the things he doesn't notice that he says, I feel like by making him happy and pleasing him as well as myself, that he thinks I'm "easy". I feel like he skips out on saying nice things sometimes because it isn't "manly" or that somehow being just an extra step nicer is being "Whipped" or a "pussy".

Just like if I apparently please him, I'm being "Easy" because society often says that "good girls" don't do those sorts of things?

And the other day, although it wasn't anything new to touch his stuff, I said I didn't want to and he did his usual questioning as to why, and he did something he's never done before and I couldn't believe. He took my hand by force, and I REALLY did fight him for it to get his hand off and he eventually won and placed my hand there. I think he didn't realize that something like that wasn't alright at all since it was something small like simply touching him, which if I'm in the mood I'll do easefully. I kept quiet about it but I didn't talk to him for the rest of the time I was in his company. I know I should've said something then and there, but I just couldn't find the words, and I don't know what I should've said at that moment. The scene just kept playing in my head as I asked myself "What just happened? How do I feel about this?"

And lately, it seems like he's been taking advantage of me, since he knows that if he pouts enough or gets a really disappointed look on his face that eventually I'll give in. And although I know this is a lot of my fault for letting him win and get his way, I have talked to him about the "easy" thing, which he denied yet I still feel that he thinks that way at times. I have also mentioned in the past that he gets uncomfortable to be around when I say 'no'.

He has 'acknowledged' the fact, according to him. Yet I still get the same behavior.

And what makes it most difficult of ALL, is he often goes "is that really what you think?" with a tone that implies I'm stupid to think such things about his character. And if I dare to say "yes, that's what I think" he shrugs like he doesn't care and says "that's not the way it is, but if that's the way you want to see it then okay, whatever" as if I'M being difficult.

So talking to him about this at times is even impossible!

Help?

[ 08-15-2008, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: lain ]

Posts: 8 | From: U.S. | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
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There's absolutely nothing for you to be sorry for here, sweetie. You haven't done anything wrong. Saying 'no' once should be enough for anyone. That he isn't respecting that 'no' and is badgering you until he gets his way, or even forcing you to act in ways you don't want to, means the problem is all with him. He very much does know what he is doing, he does know that he is forcing you to do something you don't want to do, he does know that by acting like he doesn't know that he is putting off any blame from himself onto you, and all of that is very much not okay. I hope you know that you do have the right to refuse him any and all sexual activities at any point, whether you've been dating for 4 months or for 40 years, and that in a healthy relationship that refusal would be met with acceptance, not badgering or pouting or complaining or just generally acting like a toddler wanting an ice cream cone.

So how are other things in the relationship? On the whole, are you feeling fulfilled, satisfied, happy, accepted?

I'd also give thought to why you feel so bad about yourself after having sexual activities with him. How does he treat you afterwards that makes you feel so crappy? What thoughts are going through your mind that make you feel that way? Is this about the way he treats you, or is it also about the way you think of yourself?

I think it might be beneficial to take a look at the following thread and see how it matches up to your current relationship:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/37/t/000003.html

It sounds like talking to him hasn't been helping so much, so what would you like to do with this relationship from here on out and how can we help you do those things?

[ 08-15-2008, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lain
Neophyte
Member # 39804

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First off, thank you for replying & reading & helping.

Besides my annoyance with him for that, the rest of my relationship with him is very good. This situation is an example of his biggest & only problem with him - his immaturity.

Whenever he hears something he doesn't like he hates to admit it and becomes hard to talk to. I've grown accustomed to this, and I've mentioned it. He's trying to change how he communicates with me.

But besides this current situation I mentioned, he's a very good guy. He's loving, caring, & never hits or threatens me in any way. He also isn't easily jealous or suspicious of me or who I spend my time with.

And you pretty much hit it right on. I try to work on my self-esteem, and I feel that sex should be enjoyable and pleasant, and I don't believe that someone's virginity is the only thing valuable in that person, esp. a woman.

HOWEVER, for some reason, I feel sad/guilty whenever I get done doing certain things with him, esp. oral. Even if he doesn't ask for it; whenever it's done - I end up feeling sad/guilty.

Posts: 8 | From: U.S. | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Might it be possible to step back from all sexual activities for a while until he can talk about this in a reasonable way without attacking you for holding a different view? Talking openly about sex and feeling comfortable enough to say no to sex (and to say yes, when it's what you truly want) are crucial parts of having a sexual relationship. If those things can't happen, then it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate things to see if a sexual relationship is a good idea at this point and what needs to happen for it to be physically and emotionally satisfying for both of you. (You may also want to take a gander at this article for some tips on talking about sex with a partner, and maybe even show it to him, too.) I do suggest that you make it a rule with him that if he does try to pressure you or guilt you into sexual activity again, or if he forces you to do that, then the relationship will be over, period. You've voiced to him several times now that that isn't okay and he has not listened. You have every right to end it if he does continue to act in this way.

Is there something that happens each time after you do those things which causes you to feel sad or guilty? Is there something that you need to happen afterwards that isn't happening, like talking, hugging, kissing, sharing a big bowl of ice cream? Are you also achieving some sexual or emotional satisfaction from these activities? Or are you feeling like you are merely giving and not receiving?

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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