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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » What... am I?

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Author Topic: What... am I?
thecontemplative
Neophyte
Member # 39384

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A little background: I look like a fairly normal guy, I act fairly normal for a 16 year old guy. I've had a couple girlfriends, but without much sexual activity. I'm attracted to girls, but I innately feel I'm really a feminine lesbian. I'm into things like science and philosophy, which are fine for a guy... but then again I very much believe I was meant to be a girl.

Every day I imagine myself as a girl, and how much better everything would be. I know I'm interested in a lot of typical feminine things, but I don't really publicize that. In my mind I'm very feminine, but my body doesn't reflect that. I can live as a male, without many issues, but I can't help but feeling I can only be myself if I had a feminine body.

I imagine myself in the body of nearly every woman I see, with the high voice, soft skin, wearing everything a normal woman can... however, it's almost more sexual than psychological. I always imagine myself with breasts and a vulva and I've crossdressed enough to envision how lovely I'd look in a dress, and tights. The one part of my body I like is my legs, as they're fairly feminine in shape, regardless of how disgusting the hair they're covered in is.

I masturbate thinking of myself as a woman, that I'm playing with my clit... and that I'm cupping my breasts. I engage in sexual activities with other feminine lesbian women, in my fantasies, that is. Even when I'm with girls who have no knowledge of this, I imagine myself as one, too.

In terms of having a feminine mind, I'm sure of it. I share the majority of my opinions and thoughts with girls/women, and I just wish I could be a part of it. I keep thinking to myself "I'm one of them", I can only wish it was true. I fantasize every night about waking up in the morning only to discover the female body that belongs to me... but I wake up, carry on as a guy, and manage to forget about it most of the time.

Lately I've been making friends with mostly girls (entirely non-sexually, as much as it puzzles most guys I know), and the friendly relationships I have with them encompass the ones I have with guys by a long shot. I dress fairly "metro", and that's what I'm widely perceived as by my male friends. I look extremely masculine as well, and otherwise I'm sure I'd be perceived as gay.

My family would very likely not accept me if I were to try and transition to become female, and I often think to myself whether I'd regret all the pain it took if I could live a fairly fulfilling life as a male... because I don't know if I'll keep wanting more.

Right now my escape into femininity is my friendships with girls. They understand me, and moreover, I understand them. They often go off on things like makeup and fashion only then apologizing for "wasting my time"... but this is really what I love about having that kind of connection.

At this point I don't know what my options are... it's just continuing to bother me more and more. I doubt I'd have the courage to bring it up to a therapist due to the family issues I mentioned before. I'm thinking about mentioning it to one of my girl friends, but it'd be too awkward now considering that we don't talk about sex much, if at all.

Bottomline, I'm a girl trapped in a boy's body, which is something I can live with... but I really wish it wouldn't be this way. I have this re-occuring dream where I'm a woman who goes into the public restroom, does her business... and it's over. I doubt I could ever bring myself to be accepted as a full female, and it pains me to say that.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Thanks in advance. [Smile]

Posts: 1 | From: Various | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I always tend to open discussions like this by just issuing a reminder that just like men, women aren't all the same. We don't all have high voices, for instance: I'd say my voice has been lower or as low than plenty of the voices of men I know. We don't all have smooth skin, we don't all wear or want to wear dresses or tights. We don't all have interest in makeup or fashion. We don't all engage our breasts in sex or masturbation. And none of that means that any of us who don't do those things aren't female or aren't feminine: as you obviously know from your own conflict, ideas about what is male and what female, what masculine and what feminine are incredibly arbitrary and varied. There is no "normal guy," or "normal girl." Binary gender = not so workable for a whole lot of people. [Smile]

Okay, done with that.

You have a few options here, and really, it's just about what you feel will most likely make you the most happy. Certainly, one of those options is to accept you exactly as you are without making any changes to your body, and then to identify your gender as best suits you. You also can certainly consider transitioning: in fact, it sounds like it might be helpful for you to talk to a trans-friendly therapist just to get some help sorting some of this out and to have a good idea of what that whole process really is about, what it involves, and if it's something you even want to consider, to any degree. That therapist would not share what you told them with your family.

In terms of talking to a friend, I don't really see this conversation as a talk about sex. It's a talk about gender. Is there a friend you think you might be comfy talking to?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
phiare
Neophyte
Member # 40288

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hi thecontemplative,

i know how you feel. i am a woman, that wants to be a man, and i am attracted to men only. i feel like a man sometimes.

but anyways, sorry to say, i dont have any advice for you. honestly, i'm in sorta the same situation as you. i was just browsing the internet, trying to find help for my desires and i stumbled on to your post.

it made me feel better. and i just wanted you to know your not alone.

--------------------
drINK

Posts: 1 | From: houston | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2297

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Hi there,

While I haven't had any gender identity issues myself, reading your story made me think of an ex-boyfriend of mine (he identifies as gender-neutral - I'll use male pronouns for clarity's sake).

I always found him quite effeminate, and online presented himself as a woman. He would also dress in skirts etc when he was home alone.

Although the situation is obviously different, I guess my point is that some people can tread that line between gender so you don't have to know RIGHT NOW what gender you are. Hell, you don't even need to pick one at all!

It seems to me like you want to have your feminine self acknowledged in some way - whether it's gender-related or not, it can be pretty important to feel like your whole self is acknowledged and accepted.

-Winnie

Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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