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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Help - feeling trapped in my body

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Author Topic: Help - feeling trapped in my body
danielela42
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Hi. To start off, I'm a guy about to graduate high school. I've never been a masculine person, and have even been disgusted by some "guy" mannerisms and activities. Recently, as I've been dealing with some mental problems, I've gotten more in touch with my feminine side. I've discovered an (initially) strange fascination with lesbians. This isn't the normal guy who likes to watch lesbian porn. I've wanted to be in a lesbian relationship - to be a lesbian woman.

Just today, I was talking to a girl who is going to a girl's college next year. It sounded great, and I looked it up online. Reading about the school, the teachings and traditions, I almost cried, because it all sounded so beautiful, and I know I can never dream of experiencing something that wonderful in my life! I can never be a real girl, I can never experience a girl's childhood (not that I let myself have much of a childhood anyway), I can never be pretty, or be pregnant and give birth. Even if I could afford surgery and could manage it mentally, it would take years, and I would never be a real woman anyway. I can never be a pretty woman, because I'm a below-average looking guy, and there's only so little surgery can do. And besides, I would be covered in scars from all the surgery (I had one of my numerous moles removed, and 6 months later there's still a red scar!)

Help! In this mess of an 18 year old life, where is there any chance for a happy life? Am I doomed to sit alone in mirrorless rooms, reading erotic fiction to satisfy my urges, communicating with the world only though the internet, and eventually dying of despair? Please, please, someone, help me...

Posts: 25 | From: Trapped in my own mind | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
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Hello danielela42 :-)

Firstly, yes, you can have a happy life. And no you are not doomed to sit alone... I know that it can feel really lonely but there are other people going through these issues.

Have a read of this, it explains a lot of useful stuff about gender and gender dysphoria.
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/genderpalooza_a_sex_gender_primer

Some transgendered people do find that hormone therapies and surgery work well for them. But its not for everyone and you do have time to think about it.

What do you think about seeing a therapist who deals with transgender issues? There are also support groups that deal with gender identity and help you feel less alone. You might also meet people who've gone through the transformation.

And please dont call yourself below-average looking. There is no average. We all look how we look. And I think the prettiest people are the ones who feel confident and good about themselves. And the ones who treat others kindly and with respect. But thats just me.

Good luck

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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orca
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Hey danielela.

There really is no one definition of what makes a woman a "real" woman (and personally I really hate the phrase "real woman" or "real man" as it implies that people who don't fit up to some certain standards are somehow not real or less than another person who is "real"). Women are all different, as men are all different. Even people born women can have trouble conceiving or even be unable to conceive. That doesn't somehow make them less of a woman or less of a person as there is far far more to being a human than just being able to produce offspring.

(And scars do take a while to heal. You can use some lotion to help reduce the appearance of the scars, though. Mederma is one that you can get over the counter specifically for that purpose, or you can always ask a dermatologist for something.)

You might actually try calling up the college's admissions office and asking if they do allow a few male students admission to the college. I know Smith College (one of the best women's colleges in the U.S. and the place I'd wanted to go to for a while) does have a few male students. Or you might see if you can at least do a couple of summer courses there.

Going to college or to a larger city (unless you already live in a large city) may help you find more people like yourself, and also help you in thinking about where you want to go with your own life and gender. Anytime you go some place where there are more people and more diversity, you are likely to find people you have more in common with. In addition to a trans-friendly therapist, you may also find going to a support group for people with gender dysphoria to be helpful, or it will at least give you people to talk to about this who are going through it themselves. If you want, you can give me your zip code or city and I'd be glad to help you find some trans-friendly therapists in your area. (And that article eryn linked you is really terrific if you haven't taken a look yet.)

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
danielela42
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Thanks for the kind words... I posted this during one of my more emotional periods (of time [Wink] ), which is when I usually will worry more about everything in general. Now, I'm calmer, and have just read an amazing novel, so I'm thinking a bit clearer.

Of course, this means I'm no longer so certain about my convictions last night that I'm meant to be a girl. Maybe I'm just a more feminine guy? But then I have those outbursts...I'm just so confused...

Indeed, my friend said a boy once went to this college for a semester. However, I'm pretty much tied into going to a sate school. When I was applying for college, I was at a peak in my depression, and couldn't bear the thought of even leaving high school. So my parents made me apply to affordable, local schools, and now I get to suffer the consequences, whatever they may be. I mean, its a decent school, but all my friends think I should be going somewhere like MIT (I suffer the curse of high intelligence in academic areas and low in social areas). Of course, my friends also said I should go to prom, which I couldn't because I had no date, and will likely regret years from now...

Thanks for the replies though. Even seeing replies helps me realize that I'm not completely invisible, which means a lot.

About therapy... I've been seeing a therapist about depression and social anxiety, and he was ok, but didn't always get me, especially around issues of sexuality. I stopped seeing him when I thought I was stable, but I'm a bit more wobbly lately. If I decide to see someone in college, I'd love any recommendations you can give me. I'll be going to Binghamton University in NY, and I'd prefer a female therapist (my parents got me a male one despite my request...grumble grumble...)

Thanks again. It means so much people are reading my posts here. [Smile] *hugs*

[ 06-29-2008, 03:51 AM: Message edited by: danielela42 ]

Posts: 25 | From: Trapped in my own mind | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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Hey, Binghamton is no tiny feat, either. I'd kill to go somewhere that nice. Besides, a summer course elsewhere is always a possibility, or even a semester at a different college. It'd be like studying abroad for a semester, but instead you'd just go to a different college for a semester. And you can always transfer if you find that you like somewhere else better. I never went to prom either, but I really don't regret it. There will be more dances in the future that you can go to. College is filled with them.

It sounds like that therapist just wasn't a good match for you. A trans-friendly therapist won't bat an eyelash at mentions of sexuality (that's what they're there for), so you won't have to fear that. It looks like there are only two trans-friendly therapists in that area, one about 48 miles away in Ithaca, and one 65 miles away in Syracuse. The info for the one in Syracuse is here if you want to take a look. She offers sliding scale payments. The info for the one in Ithaca is here, though she does not offer sliding scale payments. You also can try talking to the counselors at the college. They are usually free, and if it doesn't work out you can just stop going, no money lost. Of course, you always have the option to end a session when you don't feel the therapist is a good match for you. It is your money after all.

And we're always glad to listen (er, read) and help. [Smile]

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
danielela42
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Thanks [Smile] I guess transferring is always an option. And maybe it'll be ok there. I guess it's just, reading about the other college (Wellesley) made Binghamton sound so plain and dull, whereas Wellesley is so diverse, has a gorgeous campus, does all sorts of things to support feminism, you get the idea. But hopefully I'll be alright at Binghamton in the fall.

Those two therapists sound too far away, unfortunately. Hopefully, I'll find someone supportive closer to the campus, if necessary.

Well, I've gotta go, cause i'm graduating in 5 hours, and should probably try to get an hour or two of sleep-nap in [Razz] My sleeps been all over the walls lately, but I'm not tired now, so I'm sure I'll be fine. [Smile] Really, the only thing I'm looking forward to, though, is lunch after. The ceremony is long boring and pointless, and afterwards I'll just get pissed at my parents for asking what special thing I want to do to celebrate, since I get depressed by things like birthdays, awards, ceremonies, etc. Oh well.

Posts: 25 | From: Trapped in my own mind | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Az
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Hey there,

Just wanted to say this confusion is totally normal. If you looked at my girlfriend and I a few years ago, (I am a female to male transsexual, she is male to female), she looked like a normal guy and I looked like a normal girl. She even had a wife and a kid, and I used to put on makeup and dresses for the sake of hiding my gender fluidity. Nobody knew the struggle we were going through till we came out about it.

As you research, you'll find there's many gender expressions out there. Some people feel their gender is different from their physical sex, some feel like both, etc. Gender is definitely not black and white.

One book that is my personal favorite regarding gender fluidity is Transgender Warrior by Les Feinberg. Feinberg is a genderqueer person who believes everyone should be free to express their gender, and this book is a collection of speeches on the topic.

Hope this helps, and good luck, dear. A lot of us have the same confusion.

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danielela42
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Hey, I'm back. A lot's happened in the past two weeks. To sum things up, I graduated high school, realized that my female friend and I like each other a little more than just friends, which is awkward because she already has a boyfriend who she doesn't want to break up with, went to California for a week with family, came back, had an incredible make-out session in the park with the friend, and then she said she wanted to take things slower, and now here I am all confused and stuff. And even though I'm feeling more self-confident about myself (I was previously convinced I was repulsive and no one would ever want to date me, but now I know I'm not too bad looking, can have really deep, long conversations, even over the phone which I used to hate, and am apparently a really good kisser!), I still wish I had a vagina. *sigh* I'm wondering if it's possible I might even be the teensiest bit hermaphroditic, which might explain some of these feelings. The only evidence I've found is that my penis has two holes instead of one, so it's not conclusive, but it might mean something. Why oh why can't I just have a nice wet warm spot between my legs where I feel it should be whenever I let my mind drift? *sob*
Posts: 25 | From: Trapped in my own mind | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lily Luna
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I feel the very same way. Wanting to be in a lesbian relationship. A lesbian girl trapped in a straight dude's body. Luckily, I'm moving in with a friend to help me out and support me when I turn 18, which isn't too far away from now. Why not find a friend who would be willing to take you in and support you. Just be sure to be careful who you trust and get to know them weel before you start any plans.

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How can we have others make us happy?? If we are not happy with ourselves, first??

Posts: 15 | From: GA, USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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