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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Would you stay with...herm?

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Author Topic: Would you stay with...herm?
Rizzo
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http://www.nytimes.com/2001/10/14/magazine/14TRANSGENDER.html

To read this article you have to register (it's free) but it will only be up for a week. So in case that's too much of a deterrent... it's an article about a couple that's been together for 10 years. When they met, they were both women, but one of them later had a sex change.

Would you stay with your partner if s/he decided to do the same? How would you feel? Would it depend on your sexual orientation, or if you had children, or where you lived....?

I imagine that if my partner changed sex, I would stay with him, but I wouldn't be terribly happy about his decision. My parents are still together (my dad changed sex almost 10 years ago) so I've seen the sorts of difficulties such an arrangement can bring.... but I've also seen that it can work. I'm a very loyal person, but at the same time, I'd almost feel as if I were becoming my parents, and get a little creeped out!


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alaska
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Good question Rizzo, but such a tough one, too.

It would certainly take some big time readjustement. Big big time. Would I rejoice? Probably not. Would I get used to? Maybe. I hope, that the love to my partner would substain that and that I would love him/her no matter what sex (s)he chose to be.
But really, I seriously cannot tell, because this is all hypothetical.
The approach the couple in the report took makes a lot of sense to me, but I wonder whther I would be able to compromise so much and jump into something so unpredictable.

I hope that our/my decision (who knows whether my partner would want to be with a woman afterwards?) would largely depend on emotions, and not on trivial where we would live or so. My orientation wouldn't be an issue, simply because I can love people of all genders.

Rizzo, I hope you don't mind my question, but what did you think when your dad told you he wanted a sex change?

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Caro
~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept

[This message has been edited by Alaska (edited 10-15-2001).]


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kythryne
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quote:
Would you stay with your partner if s/he decided to do the same? How would you feel? Would it depend on your sexual orientation, or if you had children, or where you lived....?


Would I stay? Absolutely.

My husband and I have discussed this a few times, and we both agree that gender doesn't matter in our relationship. If he'd been a woman, or if I'd been a man, we would have still gotten married. Maybe not legally <sigh> but in every other way.

If either of us ever decides that a sex change is in order, I think the hardest part will be coming up with the money. For me, it's not about what gender a partner is, but that he/she be comfortable being that gender.

As for how my sexual orientation affects my feelings -- well, I'm bi, so it doesn't really matter to me at all. I fall in love with people, not bodies.

Would I feel differently if we had kids? Doubtful. When/if we have kids, they're going to have to deal with a very strange set of parents anyway. We are *not* the typical American family, thank <insert appropriate deity here>.

Kyth


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LilBlueSmurf
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Ooooh dear ... This is such a hard question and i feel like i'm gonna come off as insensitive or something

I really don't think i could stay w/ my partner if he decided to get a sex change. Sex matters to me. I don't know why, it just does. As Alaska said, this is all hypothetical so i don't know ... I just don't think i could be in a relationship w/ a female. Not that i have anything against it, b/c i support whatever anyone else wants to do ... it's just not for me.


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glitter695
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I donít know if I would stay with my boyfriend if he got a sex change. That is a really hard question. I donít think that I would because I know my boyfriend as the way he is now, and not as somebody different. I donít think that I could handle that. I would love my boyfriend forever, and I would still be friends with him and be there for him forever.

I donít know, maybe I would be with him because I do love him so much. Its tough, but I guess I have to be in the situation to really figure it out.

------------------
*~*~12/3/99*~*
*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

[This message has been edited by glitter695 (edited 10-16-2001).]


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alaska
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Reading glitter's and Smurf's responses has made me wonder this (and I guess this is, in a way, maybe the bottom of this issue):

How much of someone's personality is his/her gender and physical sex?

Is it possible to seperate gender & physical sex and personality meaning can you see gender & physical sex as just a little part of someone's personality so that you can love them no matter what physical sex & gender they are?


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sapphirecat
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I don't think I could stay with a partner if s/he had a sex change. I have a feeling it'd make the relationship kind of awkward.

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-- Sapphire Cat

Condense soup, not books!

I don't use the term "straight". It implies its opposite is "crooked".


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kythryne
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quote:
Is it possible to seperate gender & physical sex and personality meaning can you see gender & physical sex as just a little part of someone's personality so that you can love them no matter what physical sex & gender they are?

It is for me, but then, I'm weird. <shrug>

I've never been concerned with the gender of my partners, so that's a big factor in how I feel about this issue. The important thing to me is that they feel comfortable in their bodies and in their gender. If what they were born with doesn't fit, then I'm all for persuing alternatives.

To compare it to something rather common: I was born with dark brown hair. Genetically, I'm a brunette. But I've never felt comfortable as a brunette, and it didn't really go with my eyes and skin tone, so as soon as I was old enough, I started dying my hair red. Now everyone assumes that I'm a natural redhead. The color suits me better, I like it, and I don't feel like there's something wrong with my hair every time I look in a mirror.

My husband knows I dye my hair. His main concern is that he's afraid the chemicals will eventually destroy my brain. And who knows, maybe he's right. But he also sees that I'm a lot more comfortable being a redhead, so he doesn't object.

On the other hand, some people were very upset when I started dying my hair. They went on about how if I'd been meant to have red hair I would've been born with it, and I shouldn't try to change how I was made, and how could I do such a thing? They managed to completely miss the point, which is that I was very uncomfortable with that part of myself, and that by changing it, I became much more comfortable being me.

Maybe that analogy is a little far-fetched, but that's pretty much how I feel about gender identity, too.

As for how gender affects personality -- in my experience, anyone who feels they were born into the wrong variety of body usually already acts very much like whatever gender they feel they should be, not what they physically are. Just some food for thought...

Kyth


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Heather
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That was exceptionally put.

And I'm basically with Kyth on this one all around. heck, I'd probably see it as a perk: get some variety injected.

Though to tell you the truth, having been with men and women, with people of a multitude of builds, shapes, cxolors and sizes, I actually think bodies differ a LOT less than personalities do. Really, bodies are all pretty darn similar in one species when it all comes down to it.

So, sex change? No problem. Now, a personality transplant...

------------------
Heather Corinna
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My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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kythryne
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quote:
That was exceptionally put.

<bowing> Thank you, thank you... and now, for my encore, I'll be playing this little instrumental piece... oh, wait, wrong audience. <puts the guitar away> <silly grin>

quote:
So, sex change? No problem. Now, a personality transplant...

Yeah, but I've known some people who could seriously use a personality transplant. Haven't you? <grin>

Kyth

(edited to fix stupid formatting glitch)

[This message has been edited by kythryne (edited 10-16-2001).]


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Rizzo
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Alaska: In response to your question, I guess I didn't really feel much when my dad told me. I had already met and spent some time around another male to female TS, so the concept wasn't foreign to me. I was too young to think it was strange. My dad had always been a long-haired weirdo anyway However, I remember the first day my dad started living as a woman, I made myself a fort and hid inside it, refusing to look at her...

Anyway, back to the topic. I too am bisexual, and would love my partner equally if he were a woman. Buuuuut, I must confess I prefer "natural" bodies. This is completely arbitrary, I guess, but the thought of being with someone whose body is too altered (be it by cosmetic surgery, liposuction, foot-binding, anything) turns me off. I'm sure there are some grey areas, where I'd be okay with it, but that's how I feel in general.

If my partner magically turned into a girl, and we didn't have to deal with hormones and surgery and embarrasment... that would be fine. I don't think he would be different, because most of his personality is not dependent on gender in my view. It's just the hardship of going through the whole sex change process-- it's not always pretty.

On the other hand, I have been attracted to, and flirted with a transexual before, so I'm a big ole' hypocrite


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alaska
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Thanks, Rizzo.

I agree with Heather: Kyth, exceptionally put.

And boy, a personality transplant...Yes, I know a bunch of people who could use one, indeed.


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glitter695
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quote:
Is it possible to seperate gender & physical sex and personality meaning can you see gender & physical sex as just a little part of someone's personality so that you can love them no matter what physical sex & gender they are?

I could still love my boyfriend and the person that he is no matter what, but I dont think that I could stay with him. I am not attracted to women. I never really thought hard about being with a women. I was taught that a man and a women should be together.
I was never really taught about gays. My parent arent against gay people, because they have friends that are gay. I dont know its really hard to explain. I feel stupid, and I dont want anyone to think that I am a bad person because I wouldnt stay with him.

I think people who are gay, or a lesbian or want to have a sex change are just as wonderful as the people who arent. I dont have a problem with it. I think that it is wonderful if you are gay and you are happy.

I dont know, I'm wierd.

[This message has been edited by glitter695 (edited 10-16-2001).]


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'rin
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this has actually come up with my partner and i. he has a rather feminine identity at times and has thought about eventually getting a sex change, and since we're pretty serious about each other we've talked it over. i would want to stay with him if he wasn't a him anymore...but i'm not sure if i could successfully wrap my head around it. i'm straight, and i already had a major identity crisis over the fact that i like him in drag. if he just went part way - like if he decided to have implants done but didn't have any surgery on his genitals - i don't think i'd have any trouble with it. i know i don't mind his water bra or his falsies. i think i could even handle it if he lived as a woman completely exept for that one not so little detail. i've done a lot of thinking on this issue, and have figured out that although my partner's *gender* doens't matter to me, his *sex* does. i would never stop being at least friends with my current partner, or being supportive of whatever he wanted to do. and if there were children involved i dont' think i'd stop living inthe same house with him. but if he went through sex reasignment surgery instead of just deciding to change his outward gender, i don't think i'd sleep with him anymore. i just can't wrap my head around the idea of having a partner who doesn't have a flesh and blood penis, whatever their gender is.
sorry to post so long, this is just something that is kind of an issue for me i guess.
'rin

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"-and i hope i'm not shooting my mouth off...again...and i pray i'm not tempting the fates....."
-james, off millionaires
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
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'rin
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just another thought, on the gender effecting personality thing that was brought up. i think it does have some effect on a person's outward personality, if not on who they are inside. my guy acts very differntly when he's in drag, to the point where i can tell if he's wearing panties or boxers under his cargo pants by watching how he acts twards people. it may have something to do with fitting inot expected behavior for either gender, but i'm not sure.
'rin

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"-and i hope i'm not shooting my mouth off...again...and i pray i'm not tempting the fates....."
-james, off millionaires
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
-ben franklin


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Gumdrop Girl
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could i stay with a transgendered person? hmmm. changing one's gender doesn't change one's personality. however, i highly doubt i would be sexually attracted to that person anymore. i'm a heterosexual female. so, if my partner had a gender reassignment, i don't think i could continue to be in a sexual relationship with her. But i would hope to remain friends, as I'm sure i will still be drawn toward those character traits that attracted me to him in the first place.

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Gaffer
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I think I feel like Gummy does here. There would still be the mental/emotional attraction, but the physical side would kind of lose it all. I would still love the person but I think some basic chemistry would be missing.

I wish I could say I would love him just as much and keep the relationship going, but, and this is right now in particular, my hormones scream about physical not mental aspects of people (and I'm not that great at ignoring my hormones). Yes the personality would be there but, I just get this sad feeling thinking of how the romantic side of this type of relationship would die almost instantly. It's very hard to explain how I feel about this.

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I am not who I appear to be.

Gaffer--from under the moon backstage


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alaska
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Glitter gal, I didn't critisize your or Smurfs opinion - reading your posts just brought me, personally to the root of the issue here. Okie? Sorry if I came across as if I didn't tolerate your view.
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glitter695
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No, No Alaska you didnt come off anyway. I just didnt know how to answer your question without coming off rude. I'm sorry if I made it seem that way...

Forgive muah?

------------------
*~*~12/3/99*~*
*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me :)

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*


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LilBlueSmurf
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I was really worried about coming off as rude too ... So i do'nt know if i really said what i meant. I'm really trying not to offend anyone here.

I agree w/ what Gummy said tho. There would also be the emotional attraction, but i don't think i can be w/ a female sexually. I'm heterosexual ... so far. That could change tomorrow, but as of right now, i have no urge to be w/ a woman. That doesn't mean i wouldn't love him, that would mean that i do'nt think i could be w/ him/her sexually.

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--Hollie West
*~Scarleteen Advocate~*

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


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glitter695
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I feel the same way as you do Smurfy gurl...

------------------
*~*~12/3/99*~*
*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me :)

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*


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'rin
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yeah, you guies have actually hit the nail on the head for me, too. my emotional attachment would remain but i'm not sure my physical one would.
'rin

------------------
"-and i hope i'm not shooting my mouth off...again...and i pray i'm not tempting the fates....."
-james, off millionaires
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
-ben franklin


Posts: 219 | From: lost in yonkers | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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