How many of the women out there would be interested in marring a guy who said that he did not want to go to work and support you financially, but instead stay home and raise the kids. While he was single, he had a job that was clearly not on the carrer path, but which he planned to give up once he had kids. As such he had a much lower paying job than you did, and he sort of expected you to pick up the tab for most of the dating expenses. For the sake of argument, this was a kind, handsome guy, with a good sense of humor, but with no ambition to be a "success", he just wanted to be a dad and a house husband. He expected you to go out and make the money to pay the mortgage and put food on the table. Would you find this sort of guy attractive. if you heard that he was like this, would you go up and make the first move to get to know him if you saw him in a bar? Would you buy him a drink? What do you think your parents would say if you brought him homw and said that you wanted to tie the knot (ie the Movie meet the parents, where the fiancee has chosen to be a nurse rather than a doctor)
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged |
You know, I don't even know what I would define "male" or "female" roles as.
If you mean mainstream American judeo-Christian male/female roles, very few of my partners in life of any gender have fit into those tiny little boxes. I can't imagine most people who do would fine *me* very appealing or not intimidating. I imagine they might well run screaming in the other direction.
There have been times in my life (even within single relationships) when my partner has paid the bills for a while, then I have, aas money issues tend to be very fluid, and I figure you just flow with them. Whoever is doing the best at the time foots a little bit more of the bills, be they male, female or otherwise.
I guess what I'm saying is that those sorts of roles have never mattered to me in the least, with men or women. I'm more interested if someone is kind, conscientious, honest, caring, independent and comfortable to be with. And "success" isn't something in my book that can be measured in dollars. It's generally best measured in integrity, happiness and a simple quality of liife.
(And, as a note, the only person I found myself interested in marrying in scads and scads of partners, was someone who very much does NOT conform to traditional American "male" roles, even to the point that neither of us wants to be legally married.)
well, when applying traditional gender roles as we know them in most of the world to my relationship with my boyfriend, he has many qualities that may seem "feminine" whereas I may come across as "masculine."
I am very assertive and at time domineering. He is not. He likes to cook and clean the house. I only wish I had those abilities (though I keep a tidy home). He studies the humanities, I study science. The list goes on.
Do I find those attributes about him attractive? yes I do. Assuming I were to marry him, I would not mind if he wanted to become a freelance writer and work from home while I spend about 80 hours a week in a hospital. Yes, my parents would object. They adhere very strongly to those traditional modes (even though Southeast Asian cultures are notorious for allowingtheir omen to have much freedom and control over household budgets and whatnot).
But simply meeting a person like that randomly? You cannot judge immediately, usually (unless he's at the bar wearing fuzzy slippers and an apron). But you can opt to continue the conversation once you have progressed past the usually introductions -- hello my name is, and i do this for a living. I met my boyfriend randomly and I chose not to halt the conversation at, "Oh, you're an English major..."
Hmm...well, I'm a tad young to consider marriage, but I'll consider it hypothetically. Him being financially well-off would have nothing to do with whether or not I wanted to matter him, because I do plan on having an MD attatched to the end of my name, and I don't plan on having any money problems. If it makes him happy to work as a clown making balloon animals that's certainly fine with me.
As for picking up the tab, I don't like people paying things for me or buying me things, so I suppose that is for the better. However, on dates, I don't really like to do things that would cost money (ie: I'd rather fingerpaint and have a picnic versus going to dinner and a movie). So I wonder if that would really be an issue.
I wouldn't go up to a man in a bar just because I heard something like that about him, but I'm not the type to go up to a man in a bar anyway. And I probably wouldn't want to buy him a drink, as I don't think it's a good idea to get tipsy when you're getting to know someone anyway. What am I talking about?? I wouldn't be in the bar anyway!
And since I decide who I want to spend my life with, not my parents, I really couldn't give a flip about what they think about him. And they'd probably think better of him than me anyway.
But, like Mz. S said, I can't see myself being attracted to the type of person who would want to be a house-husband anyway. I'm trying not to generalize, but...most of the guys I've been interested in have been interested in their own plans and careers, and didn't plan on staying at home with the kids.
Then again, this is all assuming that I'd want to get married, have kids, and spend my life with someone of the oppisite sex.
------------------ Brittany Scarleteen Advocate
"Just say no" fights teen pregnancy the way "hey, cheer up" fights manic depression.
Well, unless the guy was wearing a t-shirt that said "i want to be a house husband and I don't have a career path job" I wouldn't know what he wanted. So I don't think that I could just "know" that he wanted to do some particular thing with his life until after I got to know him better. So yes, if I were still looking for partners, I would probably be very willing to approach someone that I found interesting and get to know him.
I guess my question is "How am I supposed to know what someone wants out of life until after I get to know them?" Unless someone tells me their personal history the first time I meet them, I just plain don't know.And, I might not be looking for a relationship that lead to marriage and children -- I might just be looking for a more secondary relationship, or just a casual dating relationship, so if all this guy wants is to settle down and raise a family, we might not be a good match if that's not what I want to do with him.
Now, if after we got to know him, I found out that that was what my hypothetical partner wanted, I don't think I'd have a problem with it, but that's probably because in my family, both of my parents shared in both the earning of money and the care of the children, and my father actually did become a full-time dad after he and my mother divorced, so I see parenting and making a mutual life together as something that is done in partnership.
I think Miz Scarlet has brought up a very important point. Success need not be measured in dollars. There's a long history of "women's work" being undervalued. Would I find a man less attractive if he chose to do important work that is less financially rewarding? Not at all. Houses need to be maintained. Nourishing food needs to be prepared. Children need to be raised. In the name of love, I would be willing to live a modest lifestyle. Perhaps this hypothetical man and I could work out a deal in which he might work a part-time job to help with the expenses.
I don't see myself as particularly career-oriented. Does this make me a lousy catch? No, I think it means my priorities are different from those encouraged by our culture. John, it sounds as though you believe women have stayed home out of laziness, when in fact it has been due to a lack of professional opportunities. Now that these opportunities are opening up, however, we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that women have been working hard all along.
No, but I wanted to see to what degree that women here viewed men as "success objects" sort of the way that men are often portrayed as seeing women as only "sex objects". I must admit that so far I am pleasantly surprised. yes i know that success means more than $ and prestige, and that is why I put success in quotation marks.
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged |
Well, in committing a long term partner, who is most likely to be male since I'm heterosexual, I'd look at more than just whether or not he'd prefer to stay at home with the kids or work. It's just impossible to say whether or not you can spend your life with someone on that basis alone. I would be more than happy if he was willing to stay at home and be "house husband", but I don't have "requirements".
Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000
| IP: Logged |
Well, i really don't think i'd be interested in a guy like that. I'm the girly kinda girl who wants to stay home and take care of the kids. But in the unlikely scenario that i did bring home a guy like this, my parents could really care less.
------------------ ...Everybody knows what a store-bought sweater looks like. But man, when you see a home-knitter on the street, it's obvoius, you know?" -Hawksley Workman
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.