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Author Topic: The Beach
Wise Janet Weiss
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*Wipes tear from eye*That was beautiful!
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Boldly Obscure
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Hey, a happy poem! Yay! That was nice to read, Alyssa. I really liked the repetition and the rhymes were very nice and didn't hinder any emotions from being conveyed, as they often will.

Mr. Matthew, I know what you mean about the Sound and Feel of poems being very important to them... for me, often times I can't really edit them to make them sound better when spoken, because a lot of my poems are songs that I write so the words fit with the music. I don't mind you editing my work at all, in fact it makes me feel quite special. The only thing is that I pick each and every one of my words to mean certain things, so sometimes taking even a little word out like 'and' or 'so' changes the meaning for me. The best change I think you made was from "and disappear, become the ghost you know you are" to just "become the ghost you know you are" because that part wasn't really working for me and somehow I didn't think to just take out the first to words... so yeah, thanks for that...

Here's one of my poems that I think sounds and feels better to read. Alyssa, your poem Day Dream reminded me of it, because I actually did dream many of the words to this one.


Another Dream Song

what's that shining in the corner of your eye?
you know my pain's not worth your tears
but sweetheart, go ahead and cry
for all that's lost, and loosing fears

but I want this to be my red string
the thread that's binding everything...
I want this to be my red string
cut loose to lounge in luxuriant rain

what's that building deep in your chest?
you know you really shouldn't care
but fall apart so you can rest
to dream a song for your repair

but i want this to be my red string
the thread that's binding everything
i want this to be my red string
cut loose to lounge in luxuriant rain


Oh, and the red string in this doesn't refer to the red string of protection in Madonna's religion (can't remember what it's called... Kaballah? something like that). There was actually a red string in my dream. It was the A string of a guitar. (yeah, I know, I have weird dreams [Wink] )

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Mr. Matthew
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Day Dream is superb. It is peaceful and romantic, it tells a story, it is definitely dreamy, and it has a punchline at the end: "In my secret garden, I dream of you." Its meter is so regular and it's rhymes are, again, wonderful.

Another Dream Song is also wonderful. I love it's Emily Dickinson rhymes that aren't rhymes: "red string, everything, red string, luxurient rain." It's the "...ing, ...ient, and ...ain" that makes the lines of the chorus seem to rhyme.

Another Dream Song has a much more regular meter than the poem of yours I made suggestions about. This one really does seem like song lyrics, especially with the repeating chorus. It has nice ideas and feelings. It's about someone caring about someone else's pain.

Now, Tuxy. Is it your turn? Is your native language Spanish? I think the thread could benefit from poetry in another language. Would you like to contribute some poetry? It could be short if you're not sure.

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Wise Janet Weiss
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*cough,cough* Um....*cough,cough* I'm not a native Guatemalan.i just live here (I'm slowly learning Spanish from my co-workers).If you'd like,I could ask one of them to write one?
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Wise Janet Weiss
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Sorry. [Frown] lo siento.
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Wise Janet Weiss
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Mr.Matthews,You like sailing?I live on a sailboat!What type is yours?
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Mr. Matthew
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Tuxy,

It's not the Spanish I'm interested in, it's that you come here and are a contributor. I was encouraging you to write and share poetry with us. No pressure, but if you feel like it the audience here is gentle. You could start with even a two line poem. Or even a one line poem.

Actually, lo siento, I know it means sorry, but does it also mean I feel? If it does it's almost a poem already.

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Wise Janet Weiss
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I'm not the poetic type.
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Mr. Matthew
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Tuxy,

You live on a sailboat? I'm jealous, though we both know that sailboats are small and everything is crowded.

My niece lived on a sailboat in the Caribbean for a year. She was a waitress as you are. She just got back up North recently. She's nineteen and she said she got sick of being hit on by fifty year old men. I suppose it's an occupational hazard. Her boat was very small and run down. She got it to live on it with permission from her neighbors up north, who live down south some of the time.

I don't own a boat. That is very expensive. Walter Cronkite, a famous newscaster, once said: "Sailing is like standing in a cold shower and ripping up hundred dollar bills."

What I do every once in awhile is rent a boat. You can do this anywhere in the world. So I can go to Florida, for example, and for three hundred dollars I can get a hundred thousand dollar boat to use for a day.

The last boat I rented was a forty foot Beneteau. My wife, son, daughter, and my daughter's husband sailed it to a family wedding and we stayed on the boat instead of renting hotel rooms. I think it cost fifteen hundred dollars for four days. I rented it in October, which in the Massachusetts area is at the end of the season, and the rates are cheap.

I've sailed all around New York City, Boston, and San Francisco, and once down the length of the eastern coast of the US.

So how about that poetry? Write about sailing. [Smile]

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Wise Janet Weiss
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I don't do poetry.I try writing here and there,but not poetry. [Cool] and what about YOU
for poetry?

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Mr. Matthew
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I love to write. All kinds of stuff. But I have to be careful here. Scarleteen shouldn't be about me. It's about you and other young people who want advice or are troubled. I just try to be a humble servent, helping where I think my words might be appreciated.
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Wise Janet Weiss
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I still don't do poetry.I just came to see Allie's work.
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Heather
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(Hey Tuxy? We need to ask that you not make a post unless you have something to add to a thread, and that you try and cut back on a lot of one-line posts at the boards as you've been doing. It's just not meant to be used in that way.

Thanks!)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Wise Janet Weiss
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Sorry Miz Scarlet.

Anyway the only two-sentance poem I can think of
(For now)

The last hour of Anne Boleyn,
Was spent repenting her only sin:

Pride.


That was awful but the only thing I could think of.

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Djuna
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Thanks for your comments Mr Matthew. It's really helped me realise how to improve.
I won't change the poems I've already posted, because they were based on strong feelings at the time I wrote them, and I don't think I could do them justice though. I'll certainly bear in mind in future that poetry should be read aloud and has to flow well.
Anyway, it's a while since a new poem was posted here, so here's one for you all that I wrote a few months ago as a song. Let me know what you think.

How

How can I settle to remember your face
When I know that your soul can't stay
How can I leave you tonight when I know
That my feelings won't go away
How can I ignore the love that I feel
For you and your eyes, your smile
How can I pretend to move on with my life
When I'm loving you all the while

I know the bright colour of your eyes
The sound of your voice, your laugh
I can recall your beautiful hair
And I know that my love can't pass
I know the wayb the sun cathces your glow
And the way you light up when you smile
I guess most of all though I really know
You're leaving and I'm left alone to cry

For you
And my tears fall
With the softness
Of your warm touch
And I didn't
Know that love could
Hurt me so much

How can I settle to remember your face
When I know that your soul can't stay
How can I leave you tonight when I know
That my feelings won't go away
How can I ignore the love that I feel
For you and your eyes, your smile
How can I pretend to move on with my life
When I'm loving you all the while?

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Wise Janet Weiss
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That was a beautiful poem smileyjoesph.
It really was.Beautiful and poetic.
Just beautiful.(I know,sorry I said it 3 times)

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Mr. Matthew
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Tuxy,

That's a good poem. A very nice start. I had to go and read about Anne Boleyn. I didn't know who she was. Thanks for inspiring my education.

I very much like the subtlety of the rhyme: Boleyn and sin. That is a nice touch.

Your poem, probably because it is short, reminded me of another short poem I like.

*****

Fog by Carl Sandburg

The fog creeps in on little cat feet.
It sit on silent haunches,
Looking over harbor and city,
And then moves on.

*****

Now if you take your poem and add two lines, maybe about Anne's pride, or maybe about something else, then you'll have it. Give it some thought.

If you want to tie it in with Scarleteen, politically, you could write about the injustice done to Anne by King Henry VIII. What a pig he was. Just a thought.

*****

And while I'm on thoughts, I'm thinking of Alyssa who inspired this thread. Hi Alyssa, and hi smileyjoseph.

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Wise Janet Weiss
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At my last hour,
I hang my head in shame,
Knowing the accusations to be untrue.

At my last hour,
I can't remeber a time when I loved you.


At my last hour,
I have but two requests,
The first that you forgive my sin of pride.
The last request,
To see the only living child of me & you.


I hope that was a bit better!

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Mr. Matthew
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smileyjoseph first:

How can I settle for remembering your face
When, I know, your soul can't stay
How can I leave, you tonight
When I know, my feelings won't depart
How can I ignore, the love I feel
For your eyes, your smile, all of you
How can I pretend, to move on with my life
When I'm loving you, all the while

I know the bright colour of your eyes
The sound of your voice, and your laugh
I recall your beautiful hair
And I know, my love can't pass
I know the way the sun, makes you glow
The way you light up when you smile
But most of all I know
You're leaving and I'll be alone

For you
My tears fall
With the softness
Of your touch
I, didn't know
Love could hurt
So much

How can I settle for remembering your face
When I know, your soul can't stay
How can I leave, you tonight
When, I know, my feelings won't depart
How can I ignore, the love I feel
For your eyes, your smile, all of you
How can I pretend, to move on with my life
When I'm loving you, all the while

*****

Tuxy. I knew you could do it. I'm proud of you for overcoming your reluctance. It's a great first effort.

Your poem tells a complete story. And a powerful story it is. It's Anne Boleyn's final moments. Wow. What a great idea for a poem.

She hangs her head in shame. But she knows the accusations to be untrue. Maybe she holds her head high, knowing she did no wrong but was wronged by the king. I wonder if the historical record tells that detail.

And then she asks forgiveness, but not for what she is accused of, but for something that many people would think a minor offense. But to her it isn't minor at all. She feels she was too proud.

Ad then your story has a great punch line at the end. I love a story with a powerful ending. She asks to see her child. And not only her child, but their child. The child of her and her accuser. I want to see my child, and In Your Face, King.

Great ideas. I suggest now you give it a title.

Matthew

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Wise Janet Weiss
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The only title I can come up w/ is:
Anne's Last Hour

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Allysa
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Entrapment

You know that feeling you get when you feel,
Trapped, isolated, alone and you feel like you don't belong,
Even in your own home,

I've felt that, it's called Entrapment,

It's where you feel trapped, so trapped,
In fact where if feels like you're,
Suffocating, choaking on your own feelings

You feel like a stranger in your own home,
You don't feel like you belong anywhere,
Even with family,

Your only instinct is to run,
Run away and never return,
But you're scared, scared that even if you do run you will still be imprisoned,
Imprisoned in your past and that it will haunt you for the rest of your life,
They way ghosts haunt mansions on old horror movies,

But what can you do about it,
Apart from hope that your instinct was right, and you weren't running to prove a point,
You also feel helpless, afraid, desperate, anxious and for some reason Empty,

Mothing seems to pelase you,
And all you want to do is scream in the hope that someone will hear you desperate cry and come running and save you,
So you try,

Nothing

The feeling of loneliness sets in,
And overtakes your mind,
Posses your thoughts like a cold making you feel sick and diseased,

Then you cry for no reason,
Other than you can,
And as you cry,
Your mind eases now knowing that someone does care,
You were just to scared to look and now that you have,
There's no reason to run anymore.

--------------------
Ally

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Wise Janet Weiss
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That was very deep,hon.
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Allysa
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Broken 2

Mind racing,
Broken heart,
Body aching,
Falling apart,

Feeling empty,
Nothing inside,
Broken love,
Tears cried,

Heart beating,
Nothing there,
Almost dead,
Life's unfair,

Feeling scared,
Trapped inside,
Eary world,
Spirit dies,

Can't leave,
Won't go,
Feelings there,
Taken control.

--------------------
Ally

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Mr. Matthew
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Hi Allysa,

I'm still reading your poetry, and I still love your rhymes. The feelings are sad, but I understand why, though I don't pretend to feel your pain. What was done to you wasn't done to me.

Writing on Scarleteen has changed me in significant ways. I know a lot more about things I never wanted or intended to. Helping is rewarding, but hearing of young people's troubles is also distressing. It's an education I didn't want but needed to get. So, it's mostly about all you young people here, but even an old timer can learn valuable lessons. Thank you, Allysa, for yours. It's one of the most valuable and most moving.

P.S. I don't feel that old. I go to work every weekday and I swim a half mile, a couple of times a week, in under twenty minutes.

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Djuna
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Hi, no offence Mr Matthew, I don't mind you giving me suggestions to improve, and you've really given useful advice in the past, but please don't completely rewrite my poems. Like I said, this is actually a song lyric I wrote, and I feel the rhythm and rhyme are important.

And thanks for your comments Tuxy. 'Beautiful' is exactly what I was going for. [Smile]

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Djuna
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<<double post>>

[ 08-27-2006, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: smileyjoseph ]

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Djuna
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Clarinet
A touch, a voice.
A feeling.
A window to a forgotten world.

My hands move
To their old positions.
My fingers curl
Over the keys,
Into the holes.

The rich music
Flows through me
In slow waves.

I stand still,
Look behind.
You're right there,
Waiting.

Music of love and music of sadness.
I pour my soul into its old home
And hope to find you there.

I'm calling to you once more.
I'm right here,
Waiting.

This is about me rediscovering the clarinet after 6 years of having given it up. It is also about the memories its sound conjured up. I hope you like it.

[ 08-27-2006, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: smileyjoseph ]

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Mr. Matthew
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smileyjoseph,

Got it. I won't rewrite anything of yours -- suggestions only. My intention was to educate, but I was also being presumptuous and perhaps self-indulgent and showing off. I don't think I should rewrite anyone's work. Thanks for speaking up.

In Clarinet I especially like the whole second verse: "My hands move..."

And I like:

I pour my soul into its old home
And hope to find you there.

The line "I pour my soul..." is especially poetic, and the line "And hope to find..." is especially emotional.

This poem resonates with me. I played clarinet for nine years, from age nine through high school, and I took it up again and redescovered how much I enjoyed it about six years ago at age fifty-four. When I took it up my intention was to learn to improvise and play jazz. Now I can do that. It surprised me that

My hands moved
To their old positions

so easily and familiarly after so long.

If you're interested in jazz and/or improvization check out www.jazzbooks.com. Look at the "Free Jazz" link at the top of the page, and then, particularly, the "Jazz Handbook."

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Djuna
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Thanks for being so understanding Mr Matthew. I was a bit worried that you would take this the wrong way to be honest, but thanks for understanding.
Thanks for the book recommendation as well. I'll check it out.

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Mr. Matthew
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Learning how to admit one's mistakes and say I'm Sorry is something many people have trouble with. If one wants to be a good partner it's required learning. It's also not easy to tell someone they made a mistake. It needs to be done sensitively, exactly as you did. I thank you too.

*****

The Jamey Aebersold books/CDs for learning improvisation are by far the most widely used. They sell many play along books/CDs. In these, the CDs contain music played by the rhythm section (piano playing chords only, drums, and bass) and you supply the lead. The books give you the sheet music (separate pages for C, Eb and Bb instruments.) The sheet music shows you what chords to improvise on. Like it might list Cminor for the first measure. Then you learn that a Cminor chord means C, Eb, G. So you play some combination of these three notes in the first measure that you make up.

Here's a link to Aebersold's suggested sequence of books/CDs to learn from. By the time you finish the seecond book (volume 24) you probably won't have to buy any more. You'll just be able to improvise to any song you hear if it's in a key that is comfortable for you (some are easier than others).

http://aebersold.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=JAZZ&Category_Code=AEBGRE

There's a store in Birmingham that sells Aebersold books. Look on the web site for the list of dealers.

They used to send out free paper copies of the Jazz Handbook so you don't have to read it on line or print it yourself. I don't know if they still do, or if they'd be willing to send one free to England. But you could e-mail and ask:

help@jazzbooks.com

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Djuna
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Happiness
The touch of a warm hand
The whisper of a warm breath
The embrace of a warm sun

The sound of your voice, your laugh
The sight of your eyes and smile
The sweet scent of your perfume

The knowledge
That in you
I have found my home.

[ 08-28-2006, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: smileyjoseph ]

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Mr. Matthew
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Touch, sound, sight, smell. You might add taste to be complete.

I love the ending. It's the emotional climax after the emotional climb.

Also, its poetic in its meter. I especially like "your laugh" set off by a comma. It's tagged onto that line as a little extra and give the poem just a touch of spice.

Beautiful.

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Djuna
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Thanks Mr Matthew. That was exactly what I was going for. [Smile]
(By the way technically taste and smell are the same sense. I couldn't come up with anything good for taste specifically, so smell covering both will have to do.) [Big Grin]

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Allysa
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This poem was written last year sometime when I assumed I was with a guy who cared about me, how wrong was I, it's funny how I could think anyone could love me isn't it, it's almost laughable, but anyway here it is.

Five Hours.

Five hours to go,
Five hours to live,
I can't go on like this,
I just want to sleep,

I want to sleep,
And never wake up,
But despite what you think,
I did it for love,

Cut it long,
Cut it deep,
I want to make sure,
I'm always asleep,

You've helped me through so much,
You're a gift from above,
So just remember one thing,
I'm doing this for love,

Choaking fumes,
Misty fires,
So many things,
My heart desires,

But one of these things,
I want most of all,
And if I don't get it,
I know my life will fall,

I want to be free,
From all of this pain,
It's taking me over,
I'm going insane,

I want nothing more,
Than to always sleep,
My last dying wish,
Dig my grave and dig it deep,

Kiss me now,
Kiss me goodnight,
I want our lasting memories,
Forvere in my mind,

If there's one thing I know,
One thing is true,
I will never doubt,
The reasons I love you,

I'm sorry this had to happen,
And it ended up this way,
I just couldn't go on with life,
Feeling that way,

I will never forget you,
And what you've done for me,
I don't want you to blame yourself,
I just needed to be free,

I want on my tombstone,
I want it to say,
I never meant to hurt anyone,
It was my way to be saved,

Saved from all the pain,
And all of the tears,
A life time of hurt,
And heart throbbing fears,

At last I will leave you,
With my own lil quote,
if you don't want to get sea sick,
Don't step on board a boat,

A life time of memories,
A life time of tears,
A number of achievements,
And over come fears,

I leave you all now,
I bid you good bye,
It's my time to go,
It's my time to fly.

--------------------
Ally

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Allysa
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Blackness.

The icy cold water splashed on my face,
Running down my cheek,
The way sorrow slowly eats away at my aching heart.

I try to imagine a better world free from pain,
But my whole world is slowly disappearing right from underneath me,
And I am powerless to stop it,

A star of shattered glass cold against my temple,

BLACKNESS,

Sinking into the woolly BLACKNESS,

Choaking,
Drowning,
Suffocating,

Want to claw my way out,
But can't move,
Want to scream,
But don't know how,

The BLACKNESS is swallowing me and I know that if I can't fight it then the ME will be gone and the BLACKNESS will go on without end.

--------------------
Ally

Posts: 289 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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