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Author Topic: The Beach
Allysa
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The sound of water,
Crashing against the rocks,
Like a Jade vase,
Smashing on a cold Marble floor,

The distant sound of thunder,
Grows louder,
As if a human heart,
Were growing scared,

The icy-cold water,
Rippled over my feet,
Consuming the sand,
From beneath me,

The distant city lights,
Like small burning fires,
Made visable from,
The ghostly glow of the moon,

The thunder grows,
Nearer, louder, Scarier,

The sand disappearing,
The fires burning out,
The beach forever stretching.

--------------------
Ally

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Mr. Matthew
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Fires burn out
are rekindled each evening.

Thunder frightens
storm clouds pass
forests are nourished.

Sand is marred
consumed beneath us
refreshed each tide.

Shards of jade
can be melted
and be made even more beautiful.

My caring
again
to all who hurt.

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Djuna
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Now warm suns
Follow each other
Endlessly to the horizon
Their dying red mixes with the sea
And they are reborn above the cliffs.

Now warm sands
Wash away
In waves of tranquility.
They are carried to a faraway place
And as I watch
My soul is carried too.

Now warm arms
Wrap themselves around me.
The inner storm is over,
And as I walk with you,
With the sun in your eye to guide me,
The breeze in your breath to cool me,
The fire in your heart to warm me,
And the touch of your hand to comfort me,
I know our golden sands together will never end.

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ďIn a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I donít know what I am. I donít know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.Ē

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Allysa
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You Are My World.

What if we had never met?
What would I be doing?
What kind of life would I have?
I often think about these things and I
always come to the same conclusion~
without you I would be an extremely
unhappy person living an unhappy life...
I know we met for a reason and that
reason was that you and I were meant
to be in love with each other You and I
were meant to be a team giving us
strength to function happily in the world
Thanks to God who gave us the
strength I am so thankful that things
turned out the way they did and we
were brought together...
You are my world
You are my love

--------------------
Ally

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Allysa
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Guys I need your help, I have a poem here that I started today but I have kinda come to a holt and am not sure if it's because there is no more to write or I am just stuck, tell me if you think it needs more.

Shaking Body
Hands Cold
Racing Mind
Broken Soul

Misty Future
Eary Past
Tangled Web
Spinning Fast

Broken Promises
Hidden Lies
Fallen Tears
Feelings Die

Aching Heart
Dying Fast
Memories Fading
Fears Start

Fires Burning
SLowly Dimming
Getting Darker
Moon Grinning.

Now that's all I have but I just can't think of anything else, what do you think should I keep trying or do you think it stoppped where it did for a reason.

--------------------
Ally

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cool87
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It depends on you. You were the one who wrote that poem. Do whatever feels right to you. The thing is it can mean something to you while it really doesn't mean the same thing to me.

So depending on the meaning you want to give to it, you'll see whether or not it needs a better ending.

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

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Mr. Matthew
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1st verse
fast, manic

2nd verse
more reflective
but still quick

3rd verse
anger, sorrow, loss of feelings

4th verse
transition from sorrow to fear

last verse
fade to black
moon cares not--laughs--ending

I like it as is. It has a beginning, smooth transitions between emotions, and the last verse is definitely an ending. The first three lines of the last verse all talk of a fire burning out. The moon grinning is the punch line. She's saying: you humans come and go, with all your emotions which are so important to you, but I'll be here having the last laugh long after you're gone.

It has many of your emotions in it, not surprisingly. Do you want to name it?

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Allysa
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I'm not sure what to name it, what do you think.

--------------------
Ally

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Djuna
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When I'm trying to name a poem, I always think what the feeling I had was while writing it. Or like what the meaning is.

--------------------
ďIn a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I donít know what I am. I donít know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.Ē

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Djuna
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Photograph
The flashlight blinks
Like the passing of time
And yet it makes
Time stand still.

And yet all around me
People are moving on,
Imprisoned in the
Tide of life.

I am left behind
With an image of that
Long-lost love,
Forgotten friendship.

Now the photograph
On the dashboard
Is a reminder
Of a past life

And the camera I held
So many years ago
Remembers
Remembers for me

The flashlight blinks
Once more
Time never truly
Stands still.

But when you were here
I felt as if
I had the time
To walk my roads with you.

Those memories
Stand still.

--------------------
ďIn a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I donít know what I am. I donít know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.Ē

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Allysa
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Ok then, How about Broken, I just read through the first two paragraphs and that was the first thing that came into my head, what'cha think.

--------------------
Ally

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Djuna
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Broken sounds like a really good title. I like it, and it does give a really good insight into the meaning of the poem. So definitely! [Smile]

--------------------
ďIn a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I donít know what I am. I donít know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.Ē

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Mr. Matthew
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Yeah! Wow! I agree. Broken is a great name for it.

It's nice to name poems or stories. It gives them a personality. After we name them we think of them as Broken, instead of as that poem I wrote the other day.

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Allysa
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Cool, I'm glad you like it, thankx for your help guys, this one was a tough one to name and to write.

--------------------
Ally

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Boldly Obscure
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Is this thread open for anyone to share poems in? I hope so, cause I'd like some feedback on this one! [Wink]

black ink pours from your fingertips
to wash away bitterness and pretend sorrow
look down at your pale white palms
and sink into the wraith beneath your skin

so I wake up crying
cringing at the dawn
writhing in the cold light
that makes today tomorrow
and I don't want this anymore

redness flowers from cracks in your lips
all that's released of your smothered pain
lockdown, lockdown your memories
and disappear, become the ghost you know you are

so I wake up bleeding
shrinking from the dawn
twisting in the cold light
that makes today tomorrow
and I don't want this anymore

make tomorrow pay for what it does to me today.


So there it is... any thoughts would be much appreciated!
p.s.- I think that Broken is a great name for a great poem. It really gets across the emotion that I think you are trying to send with it. Powerful. Moving.

[ 08-19-2006, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: Aranel ]

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Allysa
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Thank you so much for you comment on my poem, yes this is a thread for anyone to submit poems, I think your poem is also very powerful and very well written, It has so much emotion in it and is also again very moving, you have such descripitve poetry it's beautiful, I envy you for your work, I especailly like the paragraph,

quote:

redness flowers from cracks in your lips
all that's released of your smothered pain
lockdown, lockdown your memories
and disappear, become the ghost you know you are.

That spoke to me for some reason overall from the rest, I don't really know why but it had a special meaning to me, so Thank you for a very moving poem, feel free to add any more, would love to hear them.

[Big Grin]

[ 08-19-2006, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

--------------------
Ally

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Allysa
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Hey guys, having a really bad day today so here's a poem to describe where I'm at now.

Fallen

Sinking into the darkness,
Falling into a hole,
Plummeting in deeper,
Spiraling out of control.

The hole is getting smaller,
Iím finding it hard to breathe,
The pain is so much stronger,
The hurt is refusing to leave.

The sun is getting lighter,
The warmth is turning cold,
The deeper I go the harder Iíll fall,
The pain is swallowing me whole.

Tears of sadness,
And tears of sorrow,
Tears today,
And tears tomorrow.

The anger is turning to madness,
The madness is turning to stone,
The pain is burning inside of me,
And now I feel Iím alone.

I wish I stopped feeling like this,
Feeling so hurt and betrayed,
I canít keep going on like this,
To the pain I feel Iím itís slave.

Iím trapped in a cycle of sadness and tears,
A cycle of lost and confused,
Iím digging myself an early grave,
By letting myself be used.

The pain is becoming unbearable,
The pain is going to far,
The pain keeps growing inside of me,
The pain is leaving a scar.

The scar is getting bigger,
The scar is consuming me whole,
The scar is leaving itís ugly mark,
The scar is taking my soul.

My soul is lost forever,
My soul is all but gone,
My soul I fear will never return,
The pain inside me won.

It's not my most glamorous moments but I refuse to lie about what I am feeling inside, tell me what you think.

--------------------
Ally

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Boldly Obscure
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quote:
The pain inside me won.
It can't win until you let it, if you know what I mean... you're alive, even if it doesn't really feel like it right now. I would post a happy poem for you, but i seem to have difficulties writing them. So instead I chose one that starts out kind of happy, and then gets somewhat depressing... but I think that this one deals with the hurt feelings better, in a (slightly) more optimistic and less harmful way.


they're lined up and still, looking over the edge
bright silhouettes against gloomy grey
we can drift through the mist on sheets of cloud
and dream of many things

can we dance through the night
with the curtains spread wide,
shall we turn up the lights?
we've got nothing to hide
let emotion soar wild
with a smile we'll glide
through the warmth of a glowing unwind.

they're magnified brightly to say something nice
calmly reflecting our happy demeanor
they'd be the keys too fun to stand
and never go to sleep

can i dance through my life
with the curtains drawn tight
may i please douse the lights?
i've got bruises to hide
discontent can let slide
with a smile i'll glide
through the cool of a hasty

crocheted edgy grey
cloudy things will all stay
nice demeanors will pay
for the cruel lack of sleep
we so desparately take
i love you, i love you we'd say


Oh, and just as an aside, what you said about my first poem really made me smile! I envy your work aswell, because you seem to be able to say exactly what you mean without anything extra or unnecessary attatched. I can never just say what I want, I always have to hide it in some way, so I wish i could do what you do with your poetry.

[ 08-20-2006, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Aranel ]

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Allysa
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Sometimes I feel I haven't said enough with some poems though, I try and cut it off at some points but it doesn't seem right so I keep going, In the end the poem is the same length as most others but it just seemed to go on forever.

Yesterdays poems was yeah, when I felt at my most down, I was actually up and my bf's mum's house while he and his brother were working in the yard and I just shut myself in the car and just picked up the pen, I dunno, I am actually surprised I am able to write at all, I thought after everything I would have trouble getting my feeling across, but obviously not.

Again the poem you submitted was beautiful, very moving to read thank you.

--------------------
Ally

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Allysa
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I also have difficulty writting happy poems, I have on occassion been able to but yeah, not very often, the very first poem I posted in here The Beach is one of my more happy moments I guess.

I will have to look through all of my work and see if I can find a more soothing poem, so you all don't think I'm a nut case and my head is filled with darker poems,lol.

--------------------
Ally

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Wise Janet Weiss
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I love your poems!
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Allysa
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Thank you, they're not my most charming of poems, but thank you.

--------------------
Ally

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Wise Janet Weiss
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YOU should put them on quizilla.com.
You have to register though.

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Allysa
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yeah maybe, not really sure, what does quizilla do in the way of poems though.

--------------------
Ally

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Wise Janet Weiss
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crap!I hope you read what I said in your other thing before it got taken off.
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Allysa
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lol, what thing?

--------------------
Ally

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Wise Janet Weiss
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Your other posting!
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Allysa
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I may have not sure, LOL.

--------------------
Ally

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Wise Janet Weiss
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You just did!
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Allysa
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LOL

--------------------
Ally

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Wise Janet Weiss
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I'm back
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Mr. Matthew
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Alyssa,

You like to write poetry with short lines that rhyme, and you're very good at it.

One of my favorite poets wrote the same way, and she's a woman. Emily Dickinson. You remind me of her, and that's high praise.

Emily Dickinson rhymes in unusual ways. Often words only almost rhyme. You'll see.

Here's a link. Click on the words next to Part One, Part Two, ... Part Five. Her complete works are here. You'll love it.

Others of you will too.

http://www.bartleby.com/113/

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Mr. Matthew
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Matt's Mini Lesson On Writing Poetry

I just made this stuff up.

Poetry has four elements.

Thoughts
Feelings
Sounds
How it feels to read

Thoughts are ideas. They are not the same as feelings. For example:

My friend broke up with me. I was dumped for someone else. Those are thoughts, not feelings.

Feelings can often be named using single words, such as: anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety, pain, insecurity.

The thought my friend dumped me can cause feelings of anger and sadness.

In all your poems (Alyssa, smileyjoseph, and Aranel) you all do well expressing thoughts and feelings.

Alyssa writes:

What if we had never met?
What would I be doing?

The dominant feeling in these lines is questioning or wondering.


Aranel writes:

black ink pours from your fingertips
to wash away bitterness

The dominant feeling is sadness.


smileyjoseph writes:

But when you were here
I felt as if
I had the time
To walk my roads with you.

The dominant feeling is love.

*****

The place where I think all of you could learn something beneficial is in sounds and how it feels to read your poems.

Poetry is meant to be read out loud, even if out loud in our heads. What I mean is that it is important to make the sounds of the words good.

First Alyssa writes:

The distant sound of thunder,
Grows louder.

This isn't so interesting to hear when read out loud.

But then Alyssa writes:

The thunder grows,
Nearer, louder, Scarier.

With the three words, "nearer, louder, scarier," we hear the thunder growing. It grows with each word.

smileyjoseph writes:

Now warm suns
Follow each other
Endlessly to the horizon.

Not nearly as nice to listen to as his later lines:

Now warm sands
Wash away
In waves of tranquility.

Aranel writes:
black ink pours from your fingertips
to wash away bitterness and pretend sorrow

The first line sounds pretty good, but the second is more like speaking than like poetry.

Then Aranel writes:
redness flowers from cracks in your lips

This sounds very poetic. "Flowers sounds soft like flowers look, and "cracks" sounds hard and jagged like cracks are.

Much of the poetry of you three could benefit from more poetic sounds.

Then there's how it feels to read. By this I mean how the words feel as your mouth works to make their sounds. Here's an example.

If I say: Our mouths roll around these words. When we go from "roll" to "around" our mouths open on the "a" syllable in "around." It doesn't feel as good as if I say: Our mouths roll round these words.

In poetry, and in prose, the feeling in our mouths also express the writing. And sometimes, if we want an uncomfortable feeling in the poem, we want an uncomfortable feeling in our mouths.

Now I'm going to rewrite one of your poems to illustrate what I'm talking about. I am aware that this could be thought of as rude, but I mean well, and I will try not to change its ideas or feelings. I hope you don't mind. If you do, please tell me, and I'll appologize.

*****

Aranel's version:

black ink pours from your fingertips
to wash away bitterness and pretend sorrow
look down at your pale white palms
and sink into the wraith beneath your skin

so I wake up crying
cringing at the dawn
writhing in the cold light
that makes today tomorrow
and I don't want this anymore

redness flowers from cracks in your lips
all that's released of your smothered pain
lockdown, lockdown your memories
and disappear, become the ghost you know you are

so I wake up bleeding
shrinking from the dawn
twisting in the cold light
that makes today tomorrow
and I don't want this anymore

make tomorrow pay for what it does to me today.

*****

Suggested rewrite:

black ink pours from fingertips
to wash away bitterness
looking down at pale white palms
become the wraith beneath your skin

I wake up crying
cringing at the dawn
writhing in the cold light
I don't want this anymore

redness flowers from cracks in lips
that you've released from smothered pain
lockdown, lockdown, memories
become the ghost you know you are

I wake up bleeding
shrinking from the dawn
twisting in cold light
that makes me sadly mourn

I don't want this
anymore
so make tomorrow pay
for what it does to me today.

Respectfully,
Matthew

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Allysa
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I thank you Mr Matthew for your comment on my poetry and comparing it to that of Emily Dickinson, I don't know what to say other than a big Thank you for saying my poetry reminds you of your favourite poet, that is very well WOW, I just don't know what to say, I'm honoured that you find my work that good, I am greatful for your comment as I do feel very highly praised, Thank you.

--------------------
Ally

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Allysa
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Day Dream

Whenever I dream,
And Dream I do,
In my secret garden,
I dream of you,

I day dream of you,
In a far away Land,
Embracing me tightly,
And holding my hand,

Holding my hand,
And touching my face,
Just you and me,
In this peaceful place,

In this peaceful place,
A pristine river flows,
Where the unicorns run,
A breeze always blows,

A breeze always blows,
And sings of a song,
Our love in a place,
Where you're never gone,

Where you're never gone,
Is as it would seem,
From dusk until dawn,
Whenever I dream,

And whenever I dream,
And dream I do,
In my secret garden,
I dream of you.

--------------------
Ally

Posts: 289 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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