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Author Topic: Sun Wu and Sun Tzu:The Art of War
Sun Wu
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First off, Sun Wu is what several books call "Sun Tzu" which is an english rendition of sunzoi or something like that.

I, myself am not chinese, caucasion to be honest... I simply revere the genius of Sun Tzu. I do like to read about strategy, but in the end I always come back to reading various translations of his work. The only other one that sticks out to me is the "Book of 5 Rings" by Miyomoto Musashi.

Talking about myself... I'm 18, and I work at McDonalds. Yeah, not the most auspicious of jobs but hey, I make $8 an hour so I'm a happy camper. I've been accepted into the University of British Columbia and currently hold conditional admittance for the faculty of Applied Science. (Engineering) I'm really quite set on chemical engineering, it's the combonation of my 3 favourite subjects: Math, Chemistry and Physics.

I've noticed that my minor interests over time have atrophied and have left my major ones left only: Computers, Working out, studying strategy, and reading fantasy/sci novels. I socailize a bit on the weekends, but don't have the time on the weekdays because of driving lessons and that I dedicate so much time to Physics12 at the moment. My most serious one has got to be working out. I go 4 times a week, and would go more but can't due to artificial time constraints posed by my high school. *sigh*

I'll probably be writing here as a journal to express stuff I can't elsewhere.

-Sun Wu


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Sun Wu
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Some more about myself today. I have a younger brother, age 16 & in g10, and a foster sister who's 17, but in g12. I get along with them fairly well. My dad works in California, but my parents aren't divoriced... My dad simply couldn't find work here and had to look elsewhere. He's currently a senior urban forester or something like that for an Urban Forestry company. My mother works as a life & critical insurance saleswoman.

Now, today went well. Then I had infotech12, and that did not go so well. Some guys in front of me feel it's their duty to irritate me because maybe I laugh at the wrong things, (to them) dress to preppily or for all I know it's because I'm shorter than they are. One asks me for some help so I stupidly go to help him and the other sneaks behind me and logs me off my computer... Meaning I lost all the work I'd done for that portion of the class. Fun stuff, really. I'm trying to think of a plan on how to handle them without beating the shit out of them, which I could do. I took ju-jitsu for a year and half.... I've certainly not forgotten how to handle two opponents and break as many joints as possible. Just thinking about those guys makes waves of fury pulsate through me. Gosh, I think I might actually lose it too. It's grade12 and time for jacka$$es to pay the price for their actions.

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If it is to be, It is up to me.


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Sun Wu
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I've started to realize that I spend a lot of my time escaping from reality. What I need escape from I'm not sure. I play on my computer and read books when I feel I could be doing something more productive. *sigh* It's like I'm addicted or something. *yikes* :eek

My mom told me today that my aunt phoned her up and asked her if I was interested in working at some fishing lodge for wealthy people in BC for the summer... Apparently I'd make mad money ($10/hour and mega tips) and have a good time. I gave the green light, it sounds way better than working at McDonalds!!

I had my driver's lesson tonight and we did groupwork... And this really cute brunnete flirted with me. So I flirted back and had a good time.

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If it is to be, It is up to me.


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Celtic Daisy
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Hey hey! I'm very surprised i haven't come on into your thread and welcomed you earlier. Sorry about that.

How are you finding Scarleteen so far? Going to UofBC eh? That sounds really kewl. I'm in grade 11 and i think i'm gonna stick around winnipeg for university.

*sigh* never gonna get to travel.(that's not true, i've been all over the west side of canada and some of ontario too!)

:P

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"No self-respecting woman will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her'-Jeff Murdock

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~


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Sun Wu
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Hey C_D thanks for the welcome. I've been to scarleteen ages and ages ago under a different user name and decided to come back. It's alright so far. Winnipeg has a decent university as far as I know. I was in Waterloo ont. This summer working for Clarica Life Ins... It was fun for the most part.


---
The past couple of days have been pretty straightforward. I got a 90% on my first physics12 test and am a little bummed, I could have gotten 100% except for two *stupid* mistakes. It's not a big deal in the long run, but I really want to challenge myself this semester... Physics 12 is the only serious course I have.

I saw The Count of Monte Cristo today. Quite a decent movie, made me want to read the book. Not gonna win any awards, but it's not gonna end up in the anti-awards.

No great inner turmoil I need to let out today, which is nice.


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Sun Wu
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I've been thinking about Girls lately. (Rant warning) See, I have a decent libido and all, but I can't bring myself to chase after girls anymore. It's like something happened somewhere along the line and I simply.... gave up. There's a huge amount of history behind this, and my reasons for giving up have changed over time... Except now it's like I've really given up.

My drive to chase after girls is nonexistant. Partially, because I find chasing girls a very onerous unrewarding chore. Oh, I've figured out how to get better at it over time... But after being dumped, scorned, stood up, etc etc all by different girls I've given up. Why did they all fail? Ultimately because I had no real passion for them. I went after them out of simple interest and partially looks. It was like I was making robotic motions, it doesn't take a fool to figure out how that does fail.

I think my drive for girls all got lost after Paulina. You know, I really did try to get her. I was actually starting to get more interested in her, and then I got stood up (I went to pick her up and she wasn't home, and she made some lame excuse for not being there) and that was the final straw. I was trying, I finally felt I was getting things in place and it all fell apart. After 5 years of failure, it really, really, really wears down on a guy's ego. I figured, "Hey, I don't need this crap anymore. @#$% it."

The whole drama of chasing after a girl... Dating & Romance the whole 9 yards doesn't interest me much anymore. Sure, I still make some female aquaintances now and then... But I've not made an actual female friend in about 6 months... Compared to a couple guy friends. 2/0 = infinity mathematically speaking. In fact, I've pretty much been losing my female friends to time and them moving... And really have not replaced any at all.

It's funny, because I for the longest time thought that my girl problems were due to some kind of nonexistant lack of confidence on my part or how unapproachable I was and that's not it. I really have no clue how get a girl friend. Yeah, I make all the right moves/blablablah but my lack of drive and experience is an absolutely fatal combonation. Once things hit the semi-physical stage I get the "what the hell do I do now?!?!" syndrome. After dealing with frigid girls with the timidity of a deer it's not worth my fucking time. Obviously, I've also been picking the wrong girls, because if they were interested they might have actually made a move on me.... And at the same time, the right ones are non-existant. So in reflection my lack of serious interest in girls is due to more than one cause.

I've also been wondering if it has something to do with my mother. I've slowly come to realize that since my dad has left.... My mother hasn't been around much for me anymore. Doesn't do much if anything for me, and from being a very caring and kind mother to go to distant and bit cool is well, hard on me. She's stressed out because of her work, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when she rants and raves at me for asking her to do something small for me. She doesn't do much if any of those nice little small things for me anymore. What bothers me about this is that even if it were only once in a while, it might show she still cared about me. Yeah, I get a hug and whatever now and then... But it's not enough. *Sigh*

I find that I try to get some female attention from my foster sister (no not that way you perv!*lol* =P j/k) and while she's nice... She's ultimately clueless. Being brought in a home where there was no love for a long time means her abilities to be affectionate are close to none. It wasn't until I blew up at her for never ever asking me how I was doing/felt that she finally got it after 8 months that this mattered to me.

I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'm in a catch 22. I'm kinda lonely from lack of female attention, but find the process of getting to know girls at my school so boring and tiresome that I don't bother much. Something has got to give sooner or later, and I don't know what.

Basically, I'm alone, and there's not much I can do about that until I hit university. Maybe I'll finally find a group of people that I can mesh with... Because in my experience, other smart people are really goddamn weird. Intelligence isn't always basis for friendship, that's for sure.

[This message has been edited by Sun Wu (edited 02-26-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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Oh, how I wish I could scream... If I could scream I could release it all. But I can't. Screaming has some symbolic meaning to me. By screaming, I don't mean yelling at someone loudly... All it really represents is my control over myself. I never let go, I never lose control. To scream would mean that I would lose control, and I can't do that.

I'm terrified of what I'd do if I lost control over myself. I don't know what I would do exactly, but it just makes me nervous. I have all sorts of little off the cuff remarks that would be very hurtful to those around me... Base impulses and an anger that would destroy me. Maybe. I don't know. I can't let go of myself. I can relax and all that, but I never truly ever lose control.... And I believe that is another reason why I don't fall in love anymore, I see it as losing control. Even getting physical with a girl I can't do it because I don't want to lose control. I don't even know why this is such a big deal to myself, it just is.

*sigh*

I've gotten a little lung infection and it's annoying... But not debilitating. Coughing and bit of phlem and a plugged nose. I can still workout, and that's what matters.

My day today has gone by quite well... Other than not having enough time to finish all of my leg workout today. *sigh*

You know, the oddest thing happened yesterday. In physics, this girl Kristen asked for my ruler. Probably the first time in months she's said anything to me. Funny how she only talks to me if she wants something. However, I gave her the ruler, did my thing and later turned around to stretch my back... What got me was there she was staring at me, with this look of almost disbelief or something maybe with some astonishment. I smiled, and she smiled back... but it was the weirdest exchange. I don't think I've ever been looked at so strangely. Yeah, her eyes always look like they're going to pop out of her head when she looks at me normally, but this time was different. It seemed like she was looking at me and seeing something else... Or what I am.

It's so weird when you pay attention to how people look at you and see what they see. I don't even know how I do it, I simply know. It's like I've some kind of empathy or something. It's easier when I know the person a bit though. Or how I used to be able to see the connections between people. I'm not even going to get into that.

I got my provincial exam marks today. Gosh, they were surprising. My english was 90%, around 10% higher than expected and my math was 71%. Sheesh, normally it's the opposite. It's too bad about my math, but I had bad feelings about it before I went it. I just wasn't very prepared and no amount of studying for it seemed to help. I ran out of time and agonized over all the wrong questions and just had a shitty time writing it, what can I say? *sigh* At least it won't affect my admission into UBC. I have to and am going to kickass in physics12. This is where the line is drawn. I must, I absolute must be the god of that class.

edited to add more info and for typoes.

[This message has been edited by Sun Wu (edited 02-28-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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hhmm. What to say? This weekend went well. Though... last thursday the 28th sucked. I wasn't able to party with a really good friend of mine for his birthday. I feel kinda bad about that... But what can I do? I got him a present but now I have to give it to him.. and when that will happen is beyond me.

I worked on saturday. Today, I had my first driving lesson. Nothing big. REally. Found out that my final average of 85.3% guarantees my current conditional admission into UBC. SO yeah, that rocks!


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Gumdrop Girl
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just a warning, if you read The Count of Monte Cristo, don't expect it to correspond to the movie after the part after Chateau D'If.

and good luck with your studies. sometimes i wish i had come in as an engineering student. bioengineering wasn't offered when i came in, but had it, i would have applied.

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straddle the fine line between profundity and profanity...


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Sun Wu
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Thanks for the Info Gumdrop Girl. That doesn't surprise me to be honest. Thanks, I'll need all the luck I can get.

Well. I haven't posted a big one in a week and there's some stuff I need to get out. I'm starting to get the impression from myself that I'm really quite an unhappy person. I spend so much of my time escaping from reality that I don't know how to handle it anymore... Or I can't take it, I don't know. I'm on my computer a lot, or watching TV, or reading books instead of socializing with people. I don't know.

2 days ago, I managed to piss off my foster sister so bad she won't even be in the room with me because I make her so mad. What to know what happened? Well, I unplugged the phone on her because she was on it for an hour when she should have been doing something responsible... And how was I to know that she was talking to her boss. Now she won't even talk to me even though all I'm trying to do si apologize. This attitude of hers is making me lose interest in caring about her at all really fast. When I go forward to initiate an exchange and the other person does nothing or rebuffs me... I give up. There's no point in wasting my time on someone who won't help themselves.

Back to the situation of the fight... My mom was out of town, and I felt I should do something. Why, you ask? Well, I get so f!@#ing irritated with my mother. She WON'T DISCIPLINE APRIL!(the foster sister) Shit! She's been making shit for food ever since she's gotten here and my mom always says she will but never gets around to teaching April how to cook. F@#$. Nothing happens in this house because my mom ditzes around so much. I really wish my dad were living here. Despite his apparent inaction in my mother's opinion, with him around she at least tried to be a parent!

So she came home and had a heavy handed talk with me. Fun. Then I got into a fight with my brother today for not caring and being insensitive when he told me that I cost APril getting a $5 ($3.33 american) raise. My opinion is that if he overlooked April for a raise because of a phone problem she probably wasn't going to get it anyways. What a stupid reason. Anyways, I didn't give a flying fuck and my brother gets on my case because he feels it's his job to make me get in touch with the world and blablablabla. I don't care. I really don't care.

This has also led me to realize that I have real troubles trusting people. I just expect people to never follow through on their promises and fuck me over. I suspect this is because I have had *TERRIBLE* experiences with my family (my mom, who hasn't remembered anything I've asked of her in the last 10 years), my brother who blabs any fucking thing I tell him... And just bad experiences with friends in the past and stuff. I don't know what the stuff is,but something tells me that the "stuff" so to speak is something that is holding me back.

Anyways, back to my point... I don't trust people. I always expect people to fail me when I ask something of them, it's surprising really... I never thought of this before, usually I'm more introspective.

Now. Another thing that's been bothering me has been girls. It really gets me down. I see all these gorgeous girls around at school, and some part of my would love to talk to them... but, I just can't. It makes me really sad actually, and I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with knowing that nothing will ever happen, ever. What made it worse however, was today at work there is this gorgeous girl who is actually pretty friendly with me. Her eyes are absolutely amazing and when I look into them, I can see a wall... It's like she would look at me that way, but not, and it just kills me.

I work out to make myself look good. I enjoy working out, but a big part of it is revenge against girls in some way. I know I'm never ever, ever going to have some feeling of companionship with a girl... So maybe, just maybe if I make myself beautiful enough I might attract a girl. Or, make them wish they had me... but it doesn't work like that. A body is not enough. Yeah, it does count, but it's not everything, and I know this first hand. For my age, I really am quite built and I'm sure girls notice, but has anything ever come of it? no. And nothing ever will. Now I just bodybuild for the fun of it.

Backtracking a bit...I know how the whole gf/bf in HS works. You need friends to attract the opposite sex. I think a lot of it is based on the fact that I have _NO_ circle of friends at school. Having a circle of friends is a great security net. I feel totally insecure and really embarrased that I have no good friends at school. It would be so humiliating to have to admit to a girl that when she asks who I hang out with to say, "No one, I'm a loner." Hardly a manly attractive quality. *sigh*

that's it for tonight.

------------------
If it is to be, It is up to me.


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Sun Wu
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Well. The current issue for me is asking who to the prom. My school is having its prom April 19th, quite early by american standards to my understanding. In june there's the grad dinner-dance party so the prom is in April. Yeah. Well. I'm not sure who to ask. And the girls who I'm thinking of asking I don't have any romantic interest in either. I've made up a list of a few girls who I'm thinking of asking... but I've posted all that in the relationships forum already.

I worked out today. Had a great workout, I've shaken things up a bit... It's megafun. My goal is to put on 20 more lbs by christmas... That would put me up to 160lbs. As well, be able to barbell bench my own weight by the end of the year. I *know* I can do that. It's just a matter of attitude. I'm thinking I'm going to have to get my Strength training teacher to show me how to do deadlifts and freeweight squats... Otherwise I'll be in trouble later on. He'll have a royal fit about it and how I don't need to do all that... But I don't think he understands just how much I like to weightlift. Maybe cleans too. Unsure of what they are, I have an idea but need to find out.

What else? Physics12 is fun. My marks haven't been so great last week... But this week I got 100% on the latest quiz and will get 100% on the assignment I handed in today. Just need to get 100% on the next test!


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Sun Wu
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Well, I didn't get 100% on the test, but 98.5% instead. Good enough for me, it's a damn good mark for anyone, though I still could've gotten 100% if it hadn't been for one silly sig fig error... Teacher has every question as 2 sig figs and then has one 3 sig fig question to catch the sleepers... Shoulda gotten it but missed it. Only a single half mark off the entire test... And considering the class average was 81%... I'm happy!

Well, what to talk about tonight? I spent my spring break in abbotsford. Got mildly snowed in for large periods of time (chose to not go out) and watched PILES of movies. Sheesh, I haven't watched that many movies in the the theatres in the last several months! I played some Mage:the Ascension (a table-top RPG made by White-Wolf Gaming Studios) with my brother and a friend while my brother was still in town. Overall, I had a good time there. Worked out a bit, though not as much as I've had liked. Did some thinking though... And have decided some things:

1.) I need to go see a councellor/therapist or a psychologist/psychiatrist... Whichever ones help you with personal problems, I can't remember. Just for the sake of having a human being to talk to that's a proffessional in helping me fix some problems of mine... And boy do I have some problems! It's kidna like I can only go so far myself. I can see what's wrong, I can think of solutions, but lack discipline to fully integrate them into my life. Part of the problem there is I can't figure out how to prioritize my problems and how to fix them... There are some real issues I have with people, things and myself that when I try to go at them one at a time I still exhaust myself.

On a change of subject, I worked out some more today. I feel great. I could hardly walk after this morning, and doubly so after lunch. A truly punishing workout for my legs in the morning and back during lunch. Damn. That was sweet!


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Sun Wu
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Today, was good. Yesterday, was alright. I arranged to go the commercial gym my friend goes to, but he wouldn't get organized enough to get me a free pass... And considering I'm broke right now, I ended up going to the YMCA because I still have a card for there. My leg workout was pretty good, though I think I hurt my back a bit doing squats... Ah well. I upped the weight on my leg presses which bleeping killed. The leg press there is really weird, I added 50 lbs to it (180-230) and didn't notice that much of difference. Probably something to do with the pullys and mechanical advantage.

Yesterday, I had a really good, LONG talk with my sister. Kinda needed to happen too. Things with her are going much better than previously, which is really good.

Oh, and I asked one girl to the prom so far, and that turned out really bad. Didn't get a yes or no, just an "I'll think abou it" then... After spring break I talked to her and she didn't bring it up at all. Neither good things, and the ultimate result being she doesn't want to go to the prom with me. Not sure of who to ask. One of the girls I had on my list I've scratched off. I need to get moving fast. If I don't have date, i'll live, but I'd like to have one.

[I like to swear as much as anyone else, but please remember that we've got youngsters here. Thanks! ]

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 04-01-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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Gosh, I love the feeling the next day after a workout. Makes me feel like I'm getting somehwere. My quads and hamstrings have been sore all day long. And my abs along with my external obliques. I'm not seriously masochistic, but I know I have my mother worrying a little bit. Damn, my gains have just been great ever since I alternated routines and changed my split! [edit] I just want to get big. I love the feeling of being large and focusing so hard on developing my body. It's like all my rage, anger and hate goes into my workout and if it manifests as a bigger and better body. (Vegita from DBZ anyone?) God, how I wish I could just scream my head off and control volume of power so huge I could destroy mountains and planets. [edit] that would be sweet. I'll never get that far IRL, but a man can dream.

[Language, my friend, language...]

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 04-01-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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Well, what's happened lately? After trying to chat up a nice and attractive girl and ask her to the prom... Then getting bleeping CROSSCHECKED BY A TOTAL SELF ABSORPED IDIOT, an opportunity came to me.

At a g12 assembly today, I sat near some people I know, and chatted with a girl that at one point I was thinking of asking to the prom. Since the convo was largely general things and about school... I asked her about the prom, and was she going? (Yes) and did she have a date? (No) I got the distinct impression that she was sorta hoping I'd ask.

It was at that point I realized The Universe was giving me an opportunity. So I kept talking to her, walked to class with her (turns out one of hers is right near mine) and was about to ask her when I semi-paniced and lost the opportunity. However, not to be defeated, after class, I quickly went over to hers, talked some more to her then finally Asked!@ And got a yes. We exchanged phone numbers and I managed to end the convo on a positive note and avoiding the "Uncomfortable Silence." *sigh of relief*

This is good. We're going as friends, and I'll be talking to her tommorow or saturday about arrangements.


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Sun Wu
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Gosh. What to say? I've already posted a bunch of what's on my mind about BBing and my dreams around it... My insecurities around trusting girls (what a pain) and just... stuff.

I've really realized just how much I totally long for superhuman powers. Crazy coming from an 18 yr old, I know. I want to be huge, taller, stronger, faster, and most of all better. An escapist part of me wants to believe that if all that happened, somehow that would solve a bunch of problems in my life.

The only way to do that IRL, is through bodybuilding. I want to be admired, I want attention. Maybe, just maybe if that happened, I'd be accepted. Some sort of ego thing, I know. It won't happen, and all it makes me want to do is scream and Scream explode with raging energetic power like in Dragonball Z. That show does nothing good for me, I tell you. Espeically characters like Vegeta, who I can emphazise with so much.

Anyways. I now need to make my mind up about some girls. Which I hate doing. I have this instinct to just try and chase them all at the same time, which never works. There is a particular girl, but I've learnt never to avoid the periphery.


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Sun Wu
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Well, the prom was earlier tonight. This post registers on the 20th, but to me it's still the 19th. I've never really been to school dances much before, and the prom was interesting. As I've stated before, I didn't have a date, but that didn't matter much... I ended up dancing with a few guy's dates on the slow dances anyways! I danced 4 of the 5 slow dances, I kinda missed one. That sucked, but I couldn't find a girl fast enough. This is the problem of not going to dances much, I believe. Considering that I'm not much of a regular dancer (honest to god, waving my body around to the beat doesn't interest me a whole lot. Only if the music is good {IMO}) only the slow dances are important.

Lets see...
SD1.) Sarah. She was royally pissed off with her date who didn't want to dance. Apparently she badgered him into going to the prom, knowing that he doesn't dance, doesn't go to dances, and doesn't dance especially at dances! So, she yelled at her friends nearby making out, and talked to some other friends. I found this the absolute height of rudeness and made it a point not to dance with her again. She's not a bad slow dancer, but [edited] hell, when I'm slowdancing, I'm more interested in getting close and cuddly etc etc than listening to her yell nearly in my ear, "HEY YOU! STOP THAT KISSING RIGHT NOW!" Yeah she's teasing, but it's still rude.

SD2.) Can't remember her name right now, because I don't know her particularily well. I think it's Jacqueline or some mexican conjugation of Jacquey(sp). I had missed the first part and saw her walking away so I asked her to dance. She was polite and talkative. Didn't get too close, but it was alright.

SD3.) Danced with a gorgeous phillipino girl named Jacquey(sp). Very friendly, talkative and willing to get nice and close. Had to back off a couple of times not to get a full hard on. (Shows how close I get to girls on a regular basis. Actually, it's not like I don't get hugs, but this definately had a mild sexual overtone to it.) We probably would've gotten much closer (some mild grinding was happening before the song ended) if the stupid song hadn't ended. This is a reminder to anyone reading: HAVING A CAR FOR AFTER PROM INCREASES YOUR CHANCE OF GETTING BOOTY EXPONENTIALLY!

SD4: Danced with a girl named... Gosh what's her name? Kelly, yes Kelly. Nice girl. Asked me to dance, and she's pretty so who'm I to argue? First thing, her back is [edited] up. I understand that most girls have a stronger S curve than guys, but her lower back felt gibbled. Then, she talked like I wasn't there. Like just to be polite, rather than be herself... And that she was dancing with me to prove or show something rather than want to actually dance with me. She gave me such strong thanks for dancing with her afterwards I was put-off by it but still said "You're welcome" very graciously.

What else? I got complimented by a lot of guys on my tux, and a lot of girls that I don't know particularily well. It was nice, and blatently intentional. I honestly had the nicest tux there, which is the result of having a mother willing to shell out $120 (canadian, americans multiply x.65) for a tux. The only person who could rival me for comments was Allen Ramsey, my chief rival in physics. He was wearing a RED tuxedo. I very well nearly went up to him and said, "Ramsey... I must compliment you on the color of your tuxedo. You've even managed to out-do me for style."

But I didn't.

Ah well. *Note To Self:
Slow dance with Jacquey(sp) again. *LOL* the food was fine for the most part. All the punch I drank will probably give me raging diarrhea unfortunately.

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 04-23-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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What's going on? Man girls seem to be popping out of the woodwork. Fairen is trying to set me up with Jacquey. I am currently maintaining interest levels in no less than 3 other girls. I'll have to start a book to keep track of them all sooner or later!

It's weird how close physical contact with girls shakes me up so much. I enjoy it ssssooo much, but it's ultimately damaging for my current mind set. I've been basing a huge amount of my actions on doing things because I've NOT been getting anywhere... And when I do, I have to question myself on why or how I can continue to maintain my current mind set. I'm changing slowly around my attitude towards girls again, and I feel this is healthy.

I still have trouble trusting girls to be intimate with me... But it's hard to overcome the fact that everygirl I've gotten interested has suddenly pulled out from nowhere. It's hard a guy and rips away some emotional sensitivety. It's hard to get close when you feel as soon asyou do she's going to desert you. Know what I mean?

I don't know about this setting up thing with Jacquey... I don't know her, she doesn't know me, and is single but way into another guy. What can I do in this situation? Talk to her anyways? Why? Because I want to be her friend? Not really. I'm doing this because I feel like I should, not thatI want to and these things never end well. Girls never come to me, and I have one [edited] hard time going to them.

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 04-23-2002).]


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Mister Wu, this is now the third time I have had to warn you about your language. I used swear words as often as anyone else in my daily life, but Scarleteen is catered to a relatively young audience and we don't allow swearing here as a result.

If you feel the need to pepper your journal entries with swear words, please consider starting a journal from one of the many online diary sites that are currently available. If I have to warn you again, your thread will be locked.

Thank you for your understanding.

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Sun Wu
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Alright, my apologies Bruindan, I'll keep better control over my language.
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Apologies accepted. Like I said before, I have no personal issue with swearing at all...we just all need to pitch in to keep this place clean, thats all. Cheers!

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Sun Wu
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Glad to sort that out BruinDan.

-----

Today, not a whole lot happened. I keep forgetting to phone people. I'll be responsible about one thing and totall forget another. I bombed my last physics test, 73%!! that's awful compared to my last 99%! The class average was 51%, but that doesn't matter. For the amount of studying I did I should have gotten a better mark. I think I got too focused on turning my knowledge into rote knowledge rather than a container that be be moved around and applied functionally to new situations effectively.

Aw well. I'm SO looking forward to seeing spider-man. And... what? There aren't many other movies that interest me a whole lot. What else to say? My original ideas on getting set up with Jacquey are not so strong anymore. I have no emotional interest in her. Yes, it was nice, (very nice) to slow dance with a girl who was willing to respond in kind when I got closer... But, that was it. Maybe I'm convincing myself, I don't know.

I need to read The Art of War again. I'm losing touch. I've picked up the Book of 5 rings, and need to have a go at that too. AFter I seriously read both of those again, i'll pick up chinese classics on strategy.

You know, that's what I really appreciate about the japanese and chinese, their philosophical approach on how to do things. Western Militarists study history and situations. That's all I can find on western military science books. Yes, there is merit in knowing your history, but I feel it's more important ot have a keen grasp on what actually to do then base your decision on the past.


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Sun Wu
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What a crappy day.

I woke up just fine. Though the minute I open my door, Kim, the boarder down stairs who used to be my foster sister, yells at me about the dog barking for the last hour and a half, like it's somehow my fault. Being too tired to know how to respond I go get the dog. I let her get to me Iguess. It kinda ruined my day.

I got mad at my brother for not hearing the dog barking for the last hour and a half, and of course he didnt' hear it because he was wearing headphones. *sigh*

I got in another argument with him when I tickled him for a second and he kicked me in the jaw.

I went to work out, and had a good time. At work, I had a reasonable time... Though the latter half of my shift sucked because Amy was yelling at me all the time about how to do stuff I had already done correctly and bla bla. I work at McDonalds, but because I'm a guy that does not somehow inherintly make me stupider than her. I know how to add lettuce to a cheeseburger order. Honest. There's only one button, and it adds money. Having her yell over the headset, "SUN WU HIT THE GREEN 'LETTUCE' BUTTON TO CHARGE THE CUSTOMER MONEY!!" does wonders to my mood go from good to bad. OR tell me to give the person who's ordered a happy meal a toy. I always remember happy meal toys. It's rare when I forget. Btw, so end some confusion, I was working back-booth, the person who takes orders in Drive-Thru and takes money from the customers (1st window.)

I come home, and watch some TV. My mom wants me to bring the dog in. I honest to God did not want to do that. I'd like to go one day without taking care of HER dog. She's too lazy to take care of him, and won't get rid of him. Despite how much all of us like the dog, he causes no end of family strife. Anyways, I said no, and tried to explain that I just did not want to, and she takes it all personally. (And she wonders why I take everything personally, where do you think I got it from?)

Then, to make matters worse, the pictures she got taken of me came today. The first thing I noticed is that my hairline was shown off. That struck a really raw cord deep inside. Very few guys (and no girls) can understand what it's like to be balder than most 30yr old men at 18. Yeah, I've a nice advanced receding hair line. I sorta freaked out about that, and again, my mom took it personally. *sigh* What can a guy do? I told her why I was so upset, and she didn't understand at all, because 2 minutes later, she yelled at me again about what I just had explained. Maybe I was naive. Probably. Somehow, I'm the one with all the problems.

My mother is always shocked and surprised whenever me and my brother tell her that she has a problem with something. Somehow it's always us and never her. I've not really realized that until now either. It's why I'm always afraid of telling her off and how I truly feel, because it will all be about me and how things are my fault at the end. I don't know how to handle it.

I did get some inside information though. She doesn't like people talking about their feelings. She can't comprehend other people's feelings. Seriously, it makes her irritated and uncomfortable that I, as her son, want to have her help me deal with my emotions. It irritates her that my dad does too. I can't understand why she's so suprised that the men in the family try to talk to her about their emotions so she gets mad. I'd just like some support once in a while, I don't do this regularily.

In a way though, this explains a lot of things. Like how me and my brother can explain our feelings to her and it's like she's not listening and/or understanding at the same time. It really upsets me. I don't want to sound like a sissy, but having my mother be so unloving really hurts. Just feeding and sheltering me is too much work for her.

And then, I think why I have trouble believing a girl could truly actually be kind and loving towards me. So many questions to ask eh?


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Sun Wu
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GOsh, What to say? Things have been interesting lately. I've overhauled my workout completely. Maybe I should go for balance now, but I'm going to bulk up anyways. MY bf% is so low that I can bulk and still look fairly ripped... May have a harder time showing off my abs, but heh, what can a guy do?

I'm looking forward to the grad cruise this weekend. I work 7 hours shifts tommorow and saturday. Should be interesting. I'm trying to go see the movies with Krystal sunday to see SPIDER-MAN!! Yeah! It would help if I actually called her however. I meant to tonight, but between my anxieties, people calling and people coming over I dawdled around a bit and it got too late (9:30) to make a call. Maybe it wasn't too late, but I've found with girls I don't know well that calling around that time may not always be well recieved. *sigh* Claire is seeing S-Man with some of her friends, so no luck there. If not, I can always do something with her sunday. Seeing two girls at the same time is odd. I'm not totally playing the field as nothing serious is going on yet... But this duplicity I do not enjoy. I'm going to have to make a decision sooner or later... And then again, it could be made for me! Things never turn out as intended.

One other thing that I've realized is: I'd like to get married young. I know there are insecurities around that kind of thing, but if I'm with the right girl, things should work out. Besides, marriage isn't only about love, the practical sides to it I don't mind. Especially one of the main benefits: Sex! Yeah, I've for the most part decided to stay chaste until after marrying. Traditional, I know... But I honestly do not think I'm emotionally ready to have sex, specifically outside the confines of marriage. I enjoy structure and security, and in the confines of a standard relationship... I simply could not and would not feel comfortable about having sex. Yes, I may be tempted. I probably WILL be tempted. But, I believe this will end up making me a better person... All the religions in the world say chastity is a virtue, so heck, why not? The other thing being: I'm not about to get laid anytime soon so I can afford to have this viewpoint.

[This message has been edited by Sun Wu (edited 05-03-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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Gosh. Things have bleeping gone down the tube. My date with Krystal to see spiderman tanked. Her aunt came along as an unofficial chaperone and then her older brother came... Both nice people, but kinda bleeped things up. My strategy for with her for now: Cut my losses, regroup, review previous strategy and make new priorities.

As for Claire... *HAHA* L0L! Oh man. Something big happened today and I don't know what. I've been talking to her lately and I felt this energy wave from her. Her vibe totally altered, and I have NO IDEA HOW! She's so reserved it's very hard to read her. I honestly think she's interested in me, and I'm interested in her... But I don't know how to make the next step. I honestly don't. There is a move to be made and I can't see it, I don't even know what it is. This is unlike me. Normally, my unconsious takes over, builds a strategy... And I wage a campaign. Everything's gone to mush and I don't know how to get out of it. It's like trying to manuever waist deep in mud. You do so with immense difficulty. I want to ask her to do something, get her number... But I can't bring myself to. *sigh* Something radically changed inside of her and I can only think of a few probabilities:
1.) Positive
2.) Neutral
3.) Negative...


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Sun Wu
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So tired... oh SSSSSOoooooooooooo TtttttIIIirrrrreeedddd... Blah. I hate being tired. I'm hitting the sack real soon. LIfe is good. I got my second letter of acceptance from UBC! Good stuff if you ask me.


I need to get my student loans in order soon. I'll be needing them.

My dad offered to get me a computer as a graduation present. Wow. I was talking about buying one myself when he brought it up. Honestly though, I'd rather not have my Dad break the bank to get me a computer. I know he loves me and really wants to show it (on top of being really lonely.) But, I just won't accept something so big from him. Instead, I've asked for translations of:
1.) Sun Tzu: The Art of War
2.) A Book of Five Rings
3.) The Prince

These books are so goddamn useful I'd like to use them as a core of books on strategy that I'd like to have. They'll benefit me more in the long run than my dad blowing $2000 on buying me a computer!


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Sun Wu
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Egh. Haven't posted in a while. Well. Things with Claire have gone into slow decline. I have trouble making moves on a girl so reserved. I thought I wouldn't, but I do. I really do. Coaxing a turtle to come out of the shell gets tedious after a while. To boot, she's just not flirty. I have tried flirting with her, honestly I have. Very light and subtle touching, moving a bit closer pretending to get comfortable and she doesn't respond. Probably interested in me as just a friend, which, I can live with.

I had a dream a week or so ago. REally odd. All about me marrying this girl Sarah C. because her grandmother had it in her will that if Sarah C. (I know 3 other Sarahs) married me on that day in my granny's house (Which we were at) some huge chunk of money would be split between the two of us. (and we had to stay married) It was at my granny's house, but it wasn't her house at all. Especially with the baseball field in the back yard.

It struck me as a seriously symbolic and prophetic dream, but about what I do not know.

Now though, I have some anxieties. Today, I was sick, and still am. Tommorow, I work out. I've put myself off one day, now I have to get back on schedule. I need vitamin C! Physics. I get it, I think. I think! Hopefully. It doesn't appear that hard, but electro-magnetism requires some serious concentration. Dozing off would not be good for me. Then, there's the dinner dance. I have to rent a tux, get a date, and hopefully get my liscense before or on june 6th. Tommorow, I work out after school, my legs, which is an intimidating and long work out, and add my abs, I forgot. The ultimate serious super duper ab excercise that makes my abs sore for a [bleeping] week. Damn, I'll have abs of steel after 3 months of those!

I'd say more, I want to say more about stuff, but I gotta head to bed.

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 05-30-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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Well. Talk about one @#$%ing weird dream last night.

I was having sex with my foster sister! In the bathroom! Then she started crying about being pregnant and I was the father(!!), (apparently we'd done it before)... So I was a bit freaked out and all, and wondering what James (her boyfriend) would think etc etc...
Seeing her later today, I kinda realized the dream was an outlet for some latent attraction I've had towards her. She's been living here for the last year, and while there was some initial attraction, that died off... But usually with my foster sisters it has stayed that way, but I'm guessing my seasonal horniness is a bit stronger this year. A lot of guys at her school revere her as an avatar of Venus, while I... For a long time found her really not my type. I've gotten a bit taller, and well, shit happens. I find her more attractive that I used to. What can I say? Nothing. What am I going to do? Nothing. I think that is wise.

Now, I've changed my workouts to six days a week. That should workout allright. Currently it's:
d1: pecs & traps
d2: lats & rhomboids
d3: quads, hamstrings & calves
d4: delts & triceps
d5: biceps & forearms
d6: rest

I throw in abs whenever they've healed from my previous brutalizing workout, which takes anywhere from 4-7 days. The main reason I've changed is that I've got a membership at the local YMCA, a good change from my school gym I feel. I like it thre, and it's REALLY cheap for a 3 month membership!

I've decided that when I finish my latest green log sheet, I'm going to start an 8 week blitz program for every muscle group in my body. Never hurts to be buff for university this fall! I'm already doing reasonably well should I ever want tgt the beach this summer. I wouldn't mind getting a tan, and getting a pile of vitamin D... So I can finally get white teeth!


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Sun Wu
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Well --edited-- the green log sheet, I started my new workout anyways. I lost it, which really sped up the process. These workouts I've gotten are BRUTAL! I mean BLEEP, I've not been so sore in a long time! Hot damn! This is awesome! Hopefully the gains will pay off by about august or so. Time to get big for university! Interesting how the beach doesn't motivate me much. Who am I going to compete with there? All the skinny --edited-- who maybe have been working out for the last 2 months? *ROFLMAO*

It's interesting. I got my tux today, for my grad dinner-dance tommorow. GOsh, I was telling that to some girls in my Infotech 11b class and they flipped! Holy cripe! Both had gotten their dresses at least a 6 weeks ago!!

When one said, "What if the store you go to tommorow doesn't have what you want?" my reply was a calm, "I guess in that case I'll go to another store tommorow then." I swear to God, they both nearly had a conniption right there and then! Even the lady at the tux store was thrown off by my calm demeanor today when I told her I was getting stuff for tommorow. What's the big deal? I put on any tux they have and I'll look good in it. Simple as that. Yes, some better than others, depending on the of the vest, the style and size.

I don't have a date though. That kinda got under my skin. The wind in my sails REALLY died when I failed my road test. You know how I failed? I didn't get a clear view of the road before proceeding, 6 times. *sigh* It's an automatic fail after 3. *sigh* Other than 4 minor obstructions totally unrelated to each other, the guy said if I'd not totally bombed that part he woulda past me. This is where I go:
_*(&&%$$%#%$@!)(*&^$%%@!)&(&^$%$@#@!!!!!

Oh well. Physics test tommorow. I gotta bail and get some sleep. I'll post more after the dinner dance tommorow!

--edited for language and inappropriate put-downs--

[This message has been edited by kythryne (edited 06-19-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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I cannot believe it. I just typed this HUGE post and it all got deleted because my password was incorrect. Dangit.
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Sun Wu
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Whoa..... I just went through all of this.

Everything is so different now. REading all of this, I went through a lot around a year ago... Yet since coming to university i felt I have matured more in one year than in my last 2 years of high school. So much is different that I don't even know where to start... holy moly.


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ThisGuy
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If it helps any, you can find an electronic version of Clausewitz, Machiavelli, and others here: www.gutenberg.net

(Apart from those, its loaded with other great titles - Homer, Virgil, and a bunch of other non-copyrighted works.)


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Sun Wu
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Well... Where to start?

I entered University last september with high hopes. I bombed my first term, failing 3 classes, dropping one and only passing the other one. I improved the second term but still pretty bad... Failing one class and barely passing the other 4. My faculty (Engineering) has decided to discontinue me, so I got my act together. I went to counselling have taken summer courses and have dramatically improved my marks... And sent in a really good appeal (I hope) so maybe I'll stay here and not have tgt college instead.

On the relationship side, I got my first GF in late october, a japanese girl by the name of Yurika. Big mistake. Her english was pretty bad and our communication was terrible and I didn't enjoy that at all.

So by next january things started happening with my friend Michelle and we've got our 6 month anniversery coming up! holy smokes! Thing is, if I do get the boot from UBC I'm not sure how we'll work things out. *sigh*

My main other point of concern has been poor quality sleep. I sleep for 4-6 hours straight, then wake up repeatedly aftwards. speaking of which, I need to have a quick shower then head to bed.


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Sun Wu
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Well. I'm now at the University College of the Fraser Valley. My first day was ok. I can't believe how High Schooly the place feels though. The older girls are better, but I swear all the 1st year girls were having an f-ing fashion contest over who could dress in the tightest most revealing clothes! Sheesh, after being in a real university I guess I was expecting too much. I just hope it goes away. A part of me likes looking at them, but another part of me wants to be loyal to my girlfriend. It's hard not seeing her in almost 4 weeks. I really hope to see her the weekend after this weekend. I honestly hope it works out... I hate long distance relationships but I'm doing it because I love my GF that much I guess. I just can't lose her.
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Sun Wu
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You know, sometimes... I envision myself doing things. We all do it, but it's... When I feel lonely, I retreat into bodybuilding. It's my only outlet. I have to feel that burn of working hard. I have to feel like i'm growing, or all the anger inside of me will never come out. I can envision a huge muscular version of myself lifting weights, screaming my head off as I work harder and harder to do to some kind of arm excercise... to the point where I light up like a saiyan from dragon ball z and get even huger and bigger...

And then I think, why do I want to get big so badly? Why do I wistfully hope for something like steroids only with no side effects? Is my self image really that bad? Is it that low? Why do I want to push and punish myself so badly? I have this total fear of being small. I've always been too small for some reason, and bodybuilding is the only way out. I'm really not that big. i'm 140lbs at 5'7" and that's as tall as I'll get at 19. Sure, I look muscular without a shirt on, but what about with clothes? I love to bodybuild, but in a way it's to show the world that I am not small. I'm not quite sure what has me so chewed up about this.


Posts: 117 | From: Where does my name remind you of? well it's wrong! | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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