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Author Topic: -me:pandora-
insatiablesmiles
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hey

right ... i tried a blog-ish thing once and it didn't work for me ... i think this method of telling people about me and my life will be more successful...
i'm 17, 18 on feb 5th [in like 3 days! woo!]. i'm female. i'm bisexual. or just curious. i haven't completely decided yet. i'm sleeping with a friend of mine, a 20 year old guy i met on the internet [shameful, i know!] who i get on really well with.
i love music. music is probably my life. well. it's what i spend the most money on, ever. the Reading Festival last August was the best weekend of my -entire- life. for those in the US, i guess it's a bit like Woodstock or something ... those in the UK, if you haven't been to Reading or Leeds, please, please, please, please go! i saw over 40 bands in 3 days. and it was all fantastic.
i idolise PJ Harvey. she is absolutely amazing, i'm pretty sure there's a great loads we can all learn from her ... she's gorgeous, looks like a cat. i'd love to look like her. and her music. is just fabulous. it makes me happie, or it makes me sad. rather like Nirvana, it fits most moods ...
[you can probably tell already i like using long adjectives!]
other music i like ... nirvana, incubus [i'm in love with brandon boyd!], dandy warhols, fiona apple, the cure, the jam, the specials, the clash, dj shadow, dilated peoples, placebo, system of a down, the strokes, black rebel motorcycle club, lostprophets, beta band ... i'm eclectic.

i'm at school. i'm in my last year of school. doing A Levels. and becoming gradually terrified. i only have 9 more weeks of school left, ever.
it's a wonderful feeling, but still, the exams which will make or break my entire life - call me melodramatic, but i'm quite serious - and spell the difference between ... university and working in hmv my whole life ... are quite a scary thought.
especially as i can't work.
i can't work at the moment. i sit down. i've never been one of those, work for 3 hours straight people, with me it's always been 1/2 hour stints. but anyway. i'll sit down.
and then i won't do anything.

i can't do it anymore.

it's too much. i'm just looking forward to this summer, and my gap year, and university.
i can't work. i'm too exhausted all the time. i'm going to the doctor on wednesday to see if i'm anaemic. it would suck, but it would give me a bit of an excuse for myself and to give to my teachers.
ugh. sounded terrible.

now i've rambled about that ... i'm 5'10'', i've got long auburnish hair, which used to have bright red streaks but which have grown out and faded so now i have kinda blondey/orangeish streaks. yes. they are strange. hazel eyes. freckles. i used to be quite overweight, but i've lost -alot-. not through trying, jus in a kinda natural way. but i'm still not a thin person. which i would like to be ... all my clothes are too big! which sucks.

anyway. time to go. out to dinner. out to play pool. yippeee.
and i didn't get any work done today.
quelle surprise.

-pandora
xxo

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
glitter695
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Welcome to the boards, babe. Its a great place to be!

------------------
*~*~12/3/99*~*
Bobaroony & Erica Bearica
<3 love forever!

Monk N Bear~ Best Friends Forever! ~Luv ya babe!

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

“One ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Heather Corinna


Posts: 1978 | From: NY:) | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
*B*
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hey
welcome to the boards
Only a few months ago I finished my final exams and as stressful as they were, I got the place in uni i wanted! I've been on holidays for three months and am starting uni in 3 weeks.....i'm looking forward to it but am a bit apprehensive about what to expect.
anywayz i have a thread in here if you ever get bored and want to read it
seeya

------------------
-*B*-


Posts: 110 | From: australia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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hey
so i found out last nite that one of my quite close friends tried to commit suicide last sunday.
i'm very shell shocked. i can't believe it. at all. i don't want to believe it. i'd like it to just be a bad dream.
but. i went out last nite. met 2 of my friends at a tube station. and while we stood outside the tube in the rain, one of them got a phonecall on her mobile. she went into a phonebox and made a call. she came back out. it was our friend's boyfriend, practically crying down the phone, telling her that our friend had tried to kill herself last sunday.
the two of them were meant to be coming out with us. instead she was locked in the bathroom and he was calling us in tears.
we just didn't know what to do. we went to the place we were going. a bar/pool lounge/club type place. and had to queue in the delightful london rain. thinking about it. he was manic depressive. then they got together last may, and he got better ... it has been the most intense relationship of anyone i know. i went away with her for 10 days to Germany last summer. and she loves him. so very very much. he actually would die without her.
and she was thinking. if she split up with him. it would make them both better. but it wouldn't. they need each other right now. they need to stay together. they have to. they have to stay together.
we'll make her get help. she has to. on friday. she was saying she had problems. and i think she would have told me and my friend, but another girl we're not that close to was in the room too.
i wish she had. i really wish she had.

i feel so helpless. i can't do anything. so last nite we decided, we'll jus get drunk and not think about it. [i'm legal age in 2 days, woo!] which worked.
but now. and tomorrow. school. partly school's fault. head girl. pressures. stress.
oh. things like this. aren't meant to happen.

-pandora
xxo

PS
thanks for the notes, glitter + B

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
glitter695
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Ugggghhhh, I know how that is. I had a friend that DID committed suicide last June. I am still spooked over it a little bit. It was all a shock to us too. He was the star football player, and he was VERY popular, so it didnt make any sense to us. He was drinking that night. I think, my theory is that he picked up a gun, and just started playing with it, and it went off. I just dont believe that he would kill himself like that. It was hard. NOBODY knows what happend that day, only he knows for sure. We all got to remember, that even star football players or any star in a sport has problems just like the rest of the world.

I am sorry to hear that. It is always a shock when someone you know tries to hurt themselves. I hope you feel a little betters!

------------------
*~*~12/3/99*~*
Bobaroony & Erica Bearica
<3 love forever!

Monk N Bear~ Best Friends Forever! ~Luv ya babe!

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

“One ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Heather Corinna


Posts: 1978 | From: NY:) | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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yo...
i don't really say that.
anyway.
life's moved on quite a lot since i last posted here ... i'm now 18!i can get married without my parent's consent, i can drink alcohol legally [here in the UK], i can ride a motorbike...see 18 cert films. i'm sure there must be more.
and i actually haven't done any of that apart from the alcohol drinking!
i had a blood test the day after my bday to see if i'm anaemic or something ... i'm mildly anaemic, have low iron count in blood, so now i have to take iron supplements all the time. nice. and then go back for another test in like a month to see if i'm better.
the dr said i'm prob tired all the time cuz of stress and yes school is unbelievably stressful. i have to do more exercise.
i have decided to have sex more [of course], go on exercise bike, cycle and jog.
i'll let you know how it goes.
went on the exercise bike for ages today ... they really are right, exercising makes you feel happie and less stressed!

yesterday i had major long convos with two friends, one of whom is male, three years older than me, and with whom i have sex [not my boyfriend, long story], the other who is my best girl mate, same age. it was about me and my frankly stupid and annoying to them body image. and he was saying how it seems like i actually have ...uh, intimacy issues because of it. and i was thinking about it and how i hate when he's right, but i think he is. with poor previous relationship/sex track record it's likely and. well. i want to change it...
and my girl friend who is fantastic is jus great and neither of them went for the 'shut up ur not fat' option, they actually told me why. which helped. and he told me that it's way too cliched for me to be paranoid stereotypical teenage girl stupid bout weight and looks. which was nice.

but i don't how to change.
how do you change your whole mindseT? it's cuz i used to be the fat person and now i'm not [lost a lot of weight] and yet i still have the fat person mindset.
i wanna be the thin gorgeous person with thighs like sticks not tree trunks! i am slim now. well. i don't know. i'm definitely not fat. and i'm not curvy either cuz tho my thighs are massive my breasts are -tiny- [i mean, miniature] my waist is average my hips are quite small. i jus look funny.
aaaagh.
i.need.to.change.how.i.think

ooh. on my bday i got give £1370! how cool is that. beyond cool. and i had never so much as got ... £10 before, really..
heeheee. being 18 rocks...

-xxo
pandora

mood music: incubus - just a phase

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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ohh and also i forgot to mention.
thanks glitter

and! i'm so happie. despite having exams.
um. this sounds weird ... i just had an orgasm.
i hadn't had one for ages. yipppeeeeee!


xxxxxxxxoo
-overexcited-

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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hello all [if anyone reads this]

i jus had a great weekend.
parents had a massive joint 50th bday party last nite, with a marquee in the garden and everything, but also my really fit and healthy grandad went into hospital yesterday too...i'm worried and scared.

all my friends are cool, my exams were fine and my sex life has got really good since me and my partner talked about my -issues- a coupla weeks ago. and everything is good.
apart from my grandad.

-pandora
xxo

mood music: bad religion - infected

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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gender issues ... and various other things.


[edited: Please do not post entire IM conversations in threads here. Aside from the fact that they are long and take up tremendous amounts of bandwidth which we really cannot afford, we aren't really keen on posting two-way conversations here when one half of the conversation may not know about it or like the fact that his or her conversation was posted without consent.]

please excuse the swearing ... it'll be edited out i think?

[And in the future, please leave out the swearing as well. I know that plenty of us use those words, but we can't really be throwing the words around here for liability reasons. Thanks for understanding!]
------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 03-16-2002).]

[This message has been edited by insatiablesmiles (edited 03-20-2002).]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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rightiho.
if anyone's ever actually reading this i'll describe it..

i was reading the paper. broadsheet, the Guardian. in it's second, 'tabloid' section, they have various other sections ... parents, women, society, law, etc.
and i got to thinking. why do they have a 'women' section, and no men section? presumably to avoid seeming sexist because they don't have any specific section for women, but thus inadvertently they seem [to me] to be displaying other, albeit small, prejudices, by devoting a section specifically to women.
then i started thinking. why are there -so- many more women's magazines on sale than there are magazines directed at men? clearly money reasons, yes. but also. do magazine editors, company directors and boards all think that women need more help running their lives than men do - we all need the 7 hottest new sex tips we all read last month in a different magazine, we all need to know how to budget so we can buy gucci shoes, how to get rid of our cellulite, how to look pale and interesting when that's the trend, and the next month how to look delightfully St Tropez tanned.
whereas [as my friend pointed out] men tend to buy car/music/hifi/movie/porn magazines, and fewer lifestyle magazines. and even then, in their lifestyle magazines you receive no ''how to enjoy sex like a woman'' articles, or ''have seven orgasms a night - yes, it's true!''. they have a bit about toning up their muscles.
but.
why is it so much more acceptable for men to be fat and or ugly than it is for women? i know that's a -totally- horrible generalisation but i'm on a bit of a rambling roll now and can't be bothered to sort out exactly how this should sound.
why?
men don't spend aeons getting ready for dates. why should women be encouraged to do so? [we all look far better to start off with anyway!]
why why why why why.

i read a thread somewhere else about jokes, and it mentioned the flood of 'man jokes' there appear to be at the moment. yes they are there and they haven't been before. is it making women feel empowered? it isn't making me feel empowered. occasionally they make me laugh. i'm not a rampant feminist and neither do i have a dodgy sense of humour, they're jus funny on occasion. but i don't really see anything wrong with them - women have had to endure jokes for far longer. and i think more often with 'women jokes' there lay actual sexism/misogynism behind them.
i have male friends who joke. who make blatant sexist comments. but i -know- they don't actually believe what they're saying, and quite frequently they are based on truth ... an example. i read somewhere that cats have amphetamines in their brains which mean they go mental every once in a while. a guy friend said ''just like women''. which i found funny.

gosh i'm on quite a tangent now and think i may stop.

-pandora
xxo

mood music : idlewild - u have the world in ur arms
rival schools - used for glue

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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is anyone truly happy?
is anyone in the world truly truly happy with every single aspect of themselves?

are we all chasing after something that's entirely unattainable by wanting to be happy in our bodies, in our souls, in ourselves, and to accept everything we are as what we have and having to make do with it?

also. why do we feel obliged to be happy about ourselves and the way we look? because ''there's always someone worse off than yourself''. yes. there is. and statistically there -must- be someone who's the worst off in the world -
and the chances are they're happier in their own skin and themself than the majority of the western world. perhaps i'm being stereotypical presuming they'll be a person living in an economically less-developed country. but i expect i'm right.
umm. anyway. what was i on about.

is it...because we want to feel better about ourselves than other people about themselves? what is it.
oh, i know.
it's the -media- of course it's the media and it's our societies.
they tell us how to be content with ourselves and how to look good enough that we can be content with ourselves.
i'm not pleased with myself. neither in my own skin nor my soul.
but that doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't make me any less of a person than people who claim to be totally happy with how they are. chances are [call me cynical and jaded etc] they're not totally happy with themseves either.
i'm sorry if anyone reading this [i don't think anyone is anyway] finds what i'm saying offensive cuz they really -aRe- happy with themselves, but this is how i'm feeling right now.

and now i'm gunna post a poem i wrote...

They say a body is just a vessel for a soul.
Why, then, are the vessels so much more vital
than the contents?
i'll be cliched
and straight -
we judge books by their covers,
wines by their labels,
perfumes by their bottles.
of course we judge people
by their bodies.

I'd like mine to be just a vessel for my soul
But my soul's just as
tarnished
dented
faded
jaded
and mutilated
as my body, so why not choose
that which you see easiest?
-21st February 2002

[ also note ... the mutilated thing. i don't -actually- self harm. it just fitted...]

-pandora
xxo

mood music: system of a down - toxicity

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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here i am again.
so.
i went to my second cousin's wedding on saturday. she married a lovely Japanese guy.
very nice wedding.
and made me start thinking about marriage [it also made me quite randy. tho that might jus be hormonal almost period thing. LoL. coincidental.]
and how i say i don't think i want to get married. and i don't think i do. but. marriage. someone who wants to be with you for all that time. forever. for life. who loves you that much and wants to do everything with you and for you and devote themselves to you.
wow.

but. the idea of it still terrifies me. i am only 18. i've got plenty of time.

i went to an absolutely -mindblowing- gig last nite.
les savy fav, the mars volta and the apes.
les savy fav were total mentalists and wrecked the stage, the singer harrassed the audience and he got the entire moshpit up on the stage at the end.
mars volta were possibly the most intense band i've ever seen. closest i'll get to At the Drive-In, i guess.
-sob-
most fun i've had at a gig in a long time...and i was sitting up in the balcony for rhode island art rockers les savy fav.
heehee.

anyone - SEE the Mars Volta. will -blow- you away.
-nodnod-
umm. what else.
not much.
was talkin to best mate last nite, after gig, staying at her house. umm, we were talking about me and my -special friend-. haha. and our 'relationship'. i deny that it's a relationship. i mean, i know it is, but that word is decidedly coupley.
saw the shag bunny today.
mm.
also i think i may call myself matilda instead of pandora...neither of which are my real name...

this is like a diary.
very like a diary cuz no one reads it! wooo

-matilda
xxo
[tryin that out]

mood music: hoobastank, crawling in the dark

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]

[This message has been edited by insatiablesmiles (edited 03-25-2002).]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
insatiablesmiles
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i hate when i get in certain moods, and really can't explain why.
last nite i was watching Angel on tv, and mum and dad came home. they were talking to me, perfectly nicely and everything. and i just couldn't handle it. and my mum was like stroking my leg and my arm and i couldn't hack it. i had to get her to stop by saying her hands were cold.
which was a total lie.
so they left the room. and i just cried. i didn't know why. i need a break. i need a total break. from them, from everyone else, from london. not from school, this holiday has been pretty good. but next week we're goin to scotland, for like 6 days. aaaarrrrggggh.
i reallllly need some time alone! i haven't had any since february and that was only for, like, a day. shit.
i really shouldn't mind when mum touches me. she's my -mother- for god's sake! but i do. maybe it's just a phase. i've been doing it for a while. she likes rubbing my back. like. while talking to me. and i can't handle it. i just have to move away. i sound like such a total b!tch. i don't know why it is. argh.
it's horrible. i can deal with my closest friend touching me, and my partner. i like both of them touching me. feel safe when they do. but other people i'm a bit strange about. oh dear.

and i realllllly need a break from everyone. partner/shagbunny has gone to paris for 2 weeks, which i think is good. will give me time to sort out exactly what is going on there. the whole. we're not going out. but neither of us actually gets off with anyone else even with the chance.
had a great time at his house on tuesday nite, with all his bandmates after a gig. was with my 2 best mates too. was cool. ver drunk.
we watched a hysterical south park when the kids get sex ed - they realllly need Scarleteen! hehe

workies time.

-pandora
xxo

------------------
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?
- well come on baby , i'm ready!

[ american beauty ]


Posts: 100 | From: london, england | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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