Alright, so I have read a couple of things from other girls about pornography and how they are against it and it makes them feel worthless or like they are being compared by their boyfriend. I want to give you my story and see what advice is given to me.
I currently have a son who is 17 months old and my boyfriend and I are expecting a seocnd child due in October. So, you can easily say that what I am about to tell you is completely hormonal due to the pregnancy.
So, after my son was born of course our sex life completely changed becasue I was always tired and just wanted to go to sleep for as long as possible before the baby would wake up again. (I should tell you that we had an amazing sex life prior to our son being born, including those last few days before birth). Anyway, since our son has been around our sex has depleted quite a bit. Our schedules are different as well. He works until 11 at night and I work at 6 am so there is a good chance Monday-Thursday I will be in bed by the time he gets home.
I started noticing recently that he was coming to bed later and later even when he was going to have to get up two hours later to take care of our son for the morning until he takes him to the sitter so he can go to work. By later I am talking about 3, 4 and sometiems even 5 or 6 in the morning. He was always telling me he fell asleep on the couch or he was playing video games or doing work on his computer.
We have talked about marriage a few times since we have been together for three years now and we have decided to wait to get married until our daughter is old enough to be a flower girl. I however have mentioned that it would be nice to at least be engaged soon since the marriage isn't for another 2-3 years away. I feel it is important for us to have that step in the commitment because I not only want to be called his piance since we do have two kids together, but i also think our families need to see that our intentions are to get married. (his family is not fond of me and mine isn't fond of him. Really its just his sister and my mom). Anyway, what tyhis has to do with the subject. So, we have talked about porn in our relationship and he understands that I am not fond of it. Recently, he has found a liking in my butt crack and has several times asked me if I would try anal with him. I said fine and we did and I hated it and I tried it again for him and again hated it. I never understood why he was sooo interested in my butt. It went on this way for a while and even as of yesterday he would come in to bed and rub my butt crack instead of the vaginal area. I thought after telling him I was not comfortable with anal and I tried it, he would realize that touching my butt crack was a complete turn off for me. I actually, eventually told him it didn't bring any sort of arousal for me and made me quite uncomfortable instead.
Anyway, so this leads into a finding of mine from earlier today. We found out his brother got engaged last night to a girl he has only been dating for about 6 months. I was of course happy for them but hurt becasue here me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, expecting our second baby and my boyfriend won't even look at an engagement ring with me. He won't let me have a diamond engagement ring as I have been told as well because they are over priced and over exagerated for the mass quantities that we have in reality. (what gives him the right to say what I can and can't wear, I am the one after all who DOES have to wear the ring so shouldn't I have a say.) Anyway, so after last night I was a bit upset and came home from work early today so I could get some school work done before picking up my son. My high hopes got the best of me and I found myself snooping on his computer to see if he had been looking at engagement rings online for me. ( He looks everything up online first). Instead of finding what I was hoping to find I found what I would never have wanted to find. In his recent history on his computer, he had at least 15 different websites of porn he went to and all of them had to to with shemales. As I am sure you know the shemale porn sights are all anal sex pretty much because of the lack of vagina's. I was quite disgusted. I didn't know what to think at all. I just began sobbing. I was hurt becasue he didn't come to me to say, "hey I would like to have sex." He just resorted to shemale porn. It has been about two months since we have had sex so it was not like it was going to bother me I was in the mood after all before going to bed.
So, after finding this and not being able to stop crying so many thoughts ran through my head. The thought that I wasn't good enough was the first one that came to mind as it does for many women. (This is also a feeling I had becasue ever since my sone was born, my boyfriend has had a hard time getting off while having sex with me. I always wondered if I just wasn't doing something right. I would ask and he would say it was probably just because we hadn't done it in a while. This was strange to me becasue I thought it would be the opposite, it has been a while he is going to be ready to cum soon.) Then the thought that he was comparing me o the girls on the porn, but this one didn't quite fit becasue they were shemales. Then the slight thought ran through my head that he might have an interest in men and women and I was not satisfying his needs. With this I came to my own conclusion that this was why he was so interested in my butt crack. I also began to wonder how often he does look at porn and maybe this was why he has a hard time getting off with me. Maybe he is so use to his own hand that I am not good enough. I also run the thought that maybe my having a vaginal delivery with my son has ruined me and I am never going to be able to satisfy him again.
So, this is my story, I think I am a bit jealous that he gets off with these women on the computer screen but can't with me. Is there something wrong with me? Pleas egive me some advice and thoughts.
-------------------- "“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” -Walt Disney" Posts: 1 | From: Arizona | Registered: Sep 2007
| IP: Logged |
Tinka: I have a lot on my plate today, so I'll have to handle this one off-and-on for a bit, but I wanted to make sure this got attention right away since you're clearly very distressed.
Over the last few years when topics like this have come up -- questions about "shemale" porn, asked by both users of that material and partners of such -- it's created a very delicate situation, and let me explain why.
It can be tough to talk about the possible whys of a person's use of this material in such a way that is not hurtful or disrespectul to transgendered people. I've looked into this a lot since it's become more prevalent, and some of the answers can be fairly troubling when it comes to transphobia, and the way people -- usually men -- think of/treat male-to-female transgendered people or transsexuals. So, I want to open this conversation by making clear both to you and to any of our transgendered readers that the things I say are not intended to be hurtful, but truthful from what I can observe, and when I talk about how others may view trans, I am not speaking for my own views of TG/TS persons.
My understanding and observation of users of "shemale" porn (a term that for many is very insulting, for likely obvious reasons, and which is almost strictly a porn term, not a personal identifier, the same way that lesbian women don't call the sex they have "girl-on-girl" very often) is first and foremost that those users are almost exclusively heterosexual men.
They don't want to be having sex with men, or fantasize about men/sex with men. If they did, they'd be looking at gay male porn, which is even easier to find. They also don't tend to view the subjects as women, either. For some, there is a certain circus freakshow appeal (and the producers of much of that porn certainly often market MTFs that way), for others, it seems to be about what they percieve to be -- or put themselves in the role as -- forced feminization (I can explain more on what that is later if you're not familiar), for others still, the fantasy is about sexual fantasy that is their understanding of the "best" parts of a woman (breasts, makeup, etc.) with their own "best" parts (penis, male libido and temprament) -- these fantasies allow them to escape female "parts" they find troubling or complex. That's absolutely the short list, but it covers some basic themes I've noticed. Suffice it to say, one other reason is that some men (and/or women) are simply attracted to transgendered or transsexual people, full-stop -- and if that's the case in porn or in person, that doesn't mean your partner can't also be attracted to you any more than it means that I can't be attracted to my male partner because I am also attracted to women.
(I should note that pretty much ALL pornography presents people of every sex and gender as incredibly two-dimensional: not just this type of porn. Again, when we're talking about the viewer, porn is fantasy, and most porn viewers prefer to view subjects in their fantasies more two-dimensionally or objectively.)
Understand that pornography is FOR fantasy. It's not reality. So, with any sort of pornography, assuming a partner would want that to be their reality, or want you to be part of that reality is more often than not a misguided assumption. Likewise, presuming someone is choosing fantasy with masturbation when they could have partnered sex is a sticky biscuit because one doesn't replace the other: they're very different, and any person can crave one but not the other, or both on a given day, and they're wanting different things. So, being hurt because a partner didn't come say they wanted to have sex when they wanted to masturbate is understandable, but it isn't all that sensible: he likely didn't want to have sex with a partner -- he wanted to masturbate.
In terms of anal sex and your disgust, I feel like I also should mention that anal eroticism is a pretty big deal for a lot of men. Beyond it being framed as very taboo (for straight men, but a lot of homophobia also incoroprates that taboo), still, men have a structure with their anus and rectum that is analagous to your g-spot. All men, not just gay men. In other words, it's a very erotic and sensitive area for most, and it's also one of the ways men can be a receptive partner. That shouldn't be disgusting to anyone, really, but because of how it's been culturally frmaed, many people find it so. But that is a pretty big problem often, because it denies one pretty big aspect of a lot of male sexuality. It may be that he was pursuing anal sex with you as receptive because he didn't know how to ask for it for HIM from you, or felt that was the on ly right role for him in anal sex. Sounds like you handled that very well, but it might also be worth discussing if HE would like YOU to engage in some anal play for HIM instead, if that's something you'd be willing to explore.
None of that means there is any one given thing you can do to make his pornography or his MTF fantasies less appealing: we can't control someone's fantasies, and it'd be pretty unethical to try. On the other hand, if it seems to you like he might be using the porn as escapism to avoid issues in your relationship and your sex life, that's absolutely something to discuss together.
I would also suggest discussing the troubles in your sex life and the absence of intimacy right now. Absolutely, some of this could be because of you having a child, though it's less likely about a physical problem (and porn or masturbation, as well as childbirth, are not likely to change how your vagina feels to him), and more about the fact that it can be hard for people to adjust their erotic headspace once their hot girlfriend or boyfriend is suddenly Mommy or Daddy. It can be physical in some respects -- though not usually like you're thinking -- in terms of your parts he once thought of as solely or primarily for sex showing themselves to be for other things: your vagina for delivery, your breasts for feeding. If he didn't really understand that to be the case before, reality may have shown up some of his illusions.
For many couples, there is a period of flux as everyone gets used to that big change. Sounds like you're feeling insecure because of that too, which is beyiond normal, to say the least, and that's something to also discuss with a partner. ALL of these things are things to disucuss together.
Let's start there, okay? And maybe next talk about what communication and sexual communication is like between the two of you overall? Such as, how well you feel you communicate, how open you are, if each of you DOES feel able to talk about sexual fantasy, if masturbation -- on both your partns -- is made to be okay in your household, and also about how able you feel to discuss the porn with him, how you feel about it, and what you feel your limits and boundaries are there.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.