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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex in Media: Books, Magazines, Films, TV & More » Boyfriend & Porn

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Author Topic: Boyfriend & Porn
Member # 24077

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HI, I have a bit of a problem. See my boyfriend (of 6 yrs) likes to look at pics and porn on his computer. One day I found this file FULL of pics of girls and confronted him about it. He promised to erase it all, which he did and not do it anymore, because it makes me feel unwanted. Now I've found more on his PC, should I confront him again, or just let it go(there are only 2 pics this time). The reason why this makes me feel unwanted is because I walked in on him masturbating one time to these pics on his PC, and since then, I just feel like I don't satisfy him and he needs to get his jollies off the net! Please help, I really don't know what to do!!!
Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, the thing is this isn't as simple a matter as it appears. Let me try and address all of the facets without writing a novel.

1. Sexual behaviour is such that for many people, when shame or guilt becomes a component whatever causes those feelings tends to only INCREASE the desire. In other words,, making a partner promise to never look at porn again while with you not only is unrelaistic in our culture (and period, really, based on how broad your defintions are), it may actually result in the pron having MORE appeal.

2. Porn is about sexual FANTASY. Not reality. often, during masturbation, people engage in sexual fantasy, and often, that fantasy is not about a current partner. Sure, it is sometimes, but certainly not always. Might want to consider your own sexual fantasies in your masturbation habits when thinking about this. And that is NOT about you not satisfying him, especially since masturbation is about satisfying ONESELF, and a partner can't (and shouldn't) replace that. It's simply different. And looking to police a partners masturbation habits -- the sex life that is ONLY theirs, and theirs alone -- is actually a profoundly negative thing to do that is all about control. Trying to police a partner's solo sex sends a very clear message that you want to own them, and make 100% of their sexuality all about you, which it just is not, not for anyone. All of us have a solo sexuality that exists whether we do or do not have partners which is completely our own and which really, no one should look to remove or inhibit.

3. Consider the fact that none of us can be the thought police for a partner, nor should we be. How might you feel if your partner, for instance, told you NOT to get turned on by, say, a celebrity or musician you find sexy? Not only would that basically be trying to make you their property, you couldn't likely stop a lot of those thoughts if you tried. And that's okay, because no one needs to. When we take a monogamous partner, we CHOOSE, actively, to be with that partner. We're all likely to be attracted to people who are not that partner -- healthy people just generally are -- but that's okay, because it is our actions that matter.

4. Porn issues and your own self-esteem issues are perhaps things to address separately. It's certainly valid to have some issues with porn, especially the types of porn which very clearly are exploitive and negative. But asking someone not to find others attractive -- which again, one really just can't do, it's human -- to make you feel better is asking too much, and it's not realistic. A better approach might be to address what issues you have about porn that are NOT about your self-esteem -- since those are really YOU issues, not his -- and then also address the self-esteem issues, per how you think he can support you in developing better esteem.

5. Lastly, it IS fair to like or dislike porn. It is fair to want it in your life, and just as fair NOT to want it in your life. You can ask a partner for certain limits -- such as not keeping it where you will see it, or not talking to you about it, but the hard truth is that asking a partner not to use it at all who already does is both never going to work out, and is also likely to actually cause some bad ripples in your relationship and sex life. More times than not, if you want a partner who does not use a given type of pornography, or ANY type (and again, that's tricky, because fine art can be used as porn, as can plain old Hollywood movies), then you will need to choose to be with someone who doesn't use it from the outset, from before you met them.

Heather Corinna
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27416

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this is a year late but heres my post...

my bf has porn too and it is a battle..i delete some of his pics, but i usually leave most there..not that he would notice old pics going, - ya its bad but meh. anyways - he will keep pics and thast the fact - just like when u save pics.

for me, its been a 3 year battle and u can be ok wiht it but it took me 2 years then casue of him repsecting me not fine wiht it anymore esp him hurting me with it.

im surprised i lasted this long with him but we got closer and that helped.

i can be more ok with it all and i actually did help when he was at the comp once and wiht a hentai book - HUGE step but he was being realllly neaurtoic wiht porn and hurting me on and off while doing these steps and taking advance and threatening me if i dont help him with a hentai book and othet stuff, so me being fine wiht it - ALL GONE...gotta start all over...we took a break...and seeing him for a couple weeks - im still unsure.

And now with CG and other stuff its harder

Posts: 7 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I'm a little unclear, and pretty concerned - what do you mean by your boyfriend "hurting you" or "threatening you if you don't help him"?

Is he hurting or threatening you physically or verbally? It sounds as if you may be describing an abusive situation here.

"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33497

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IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH IT let him take some pics of you... he still gets pleasure when you're not around and u wont feel unwanted.
but i totally agree with whats been said, porn is about fantasy, guys look at these women with fake bodies and get pleasure but when it comes to real life they honestly dont want much to do with those girls...

Posts: 25 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27966

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Jenny- I actually have to disagree with you here. I think it's unwise to take nude pictures in order to solve a conflict over porn- if the original poster is suffering from low self-esteem, this won't solve the problem. (Particularly in cases like that of another earlier poster who was in an abusive relationship! Also, do keep in mind that many of our users are under 18 and we don't want to get into child pornography territory here.)


Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33497

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sorry! definately wouldnt want that to happen. hope nobody was offened.
Posts: 25 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35764

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Ummm...I actually think that is a great idea. i do it. My boyfriend doesn't look at porn, and I want to believe that I have a great deal to do with it. If he wants a pic, I take a few for him. That way, he's looking at me instead of some nasty girl on the internet. No, I'm not the best looking girl out there. I am farrr from it, but he is attracted to me so it works for us.


Posts: 7 | From: mountain state | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

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(PLEASE, folks, we need to keep suggestions age-appropriate. You've agreed in the guidelines that you will not post about illegal activity, which includes transmission of child pornography. Like it or not, that's what any photo like this is if you're a minor. Too, as Leabug iterated, it's particularly unwise to encourage a female in a relationship with abusive dynamics to do this. Granted, this is an old thread and the OP is likely not around, but for future reference.

Also, it is extremely disrespectful to call anyone "nasty" based on their sexual goings-on or career choices. You don't know those women. It's unfair to judge them, and this is a safe space for everybody.)

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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