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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Boyfriend doesn't care about giving me an orgasm

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Author Topic: Boyfriend doesn't care about giving me an orgasm
Bookworm828
Neophyte
Member # 110964

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. During that time we've never been able to make me come during sex (although I can make myself come when masturbating).
Now I know this is a fairly common problem. Since I was a virgin before this relationship it took me a while to feel comfortable asking for what I wanted in bed, but recently I explained to my boyfriend that just intercourse alone probably wasn't going to make me come, that I needed more attention paid to my clit (whether that meant we did something before, during or after sex to make me come), and that it took a while for me to be fully aroused and then a little longer to come most times.

My boyfriend seemed genuinely happy to be told all this information, but since we've had this conversation nothing has changed: we're still having just straight intercourse, there still isn't being enough attenion (or any) being paid to my clit, and many times the foreplay isn't long enough.

At this point I am sort of at a loss as to what to do if my boyfriend is going to ignore my suggestions. I also can't help feeling like my orgasm simply isn't important to him since it doesn't appear as if much effort is going into giving me one. While before I wasn't upset about not coming, I know this is a fairly common issue among couples, now I am starting to get upset because I don't feel like my boyfriend sees it as a problem or cares to fix it.

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marianthe
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Hey bookworm!

Man, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It can be hard enough to be assertive and explain what you need to a partner, and then to have your boyfriend continue to ignore your needs-how disappointing!

It sounds like your boyfriend was receptive to your original conversation, so perhaps he just needs a little more hand-holding and specific instruction when you are actually having sex. I know it can be difficult once things get going to pause and say, "wait this isn't working for me" but if he is does care about your orgasm (and he absolutely should!) he will appreciate learning what its gonna take. He might just be really used to doing things that feel good for him, and he needs to be retrained to be tuned into your needs as well. Don't hesitate to let him know how super important this is for you!

There is a lot of cultural crap out there that tells us that women's sexual desire isn't as strong or valid as men's and that everyone should be immediately ready to go and come from PIV intercourse, and unfortunately sometimes it falls on female partners to bring men up to speed on the real deal.

Here's a great article that talks about what you are struggling with:
The Great No Orgasm from Intercourse

Maybe ask your boyfriend to read through it, so he can get it through his head that for most women, intercourse isn't enough to reach orgasm and longer foreplay is NECESSARY!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there, Bookworm. Sorry to hear about your struggles with this.

So, all you have just said here: have you also just said all of these things to him? If so, what was his response?

Also, can I ask how long it's been since you initially voiced some of this to him? I ask because if we're talking days or a couple weeks rather than months, some of the issue may just be that as with any habit, it can take people some time to break old ones and get into new ones.

Lastly, have you tried just saying no intercourse, period, for a while -- maybe at least a few weeks -- so you two can instead focus on exploring other things that you do feel more excited about and satisfied by?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bookworm828
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Thank you both for responding so quickly!

My boyfriend and I had our original conversation a couple weeks ago. I haven't told him yet that I'm starting to feel my orgasm isn't important to him.

I'm a little worried that saying "no" to intercourse period will seem like an ultimatum, which I don't want to do (I think oftentimes people balk at ultimatums).

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crazyhorseperson
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You could go into the situation like 'Today, let's not have intercourse, let's do (x thing that shows what feels good to me).' That way he would see what makes you feel good, and if you encourage him to 'take over' partway through he'd be able to give you pleasure himself. That way it could translate into intercourse the next time you have it, or you could just stick with other activities for a bit until you feel like he'd be more attentive to your needs.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Also, this isn't about ultimatium. This isn't a punishment (in part because sex with someone also isn't supposed to be about giving a reward for good behaviour).

This is about trying to do something so that you two have the opportunity to learn what feels good for both of you. This is about trying something differently to see if this person is earnestly wanting a real sexual partnership or not, which means only doing things, and doing them in such a way, that feel good and feel satisfying for both of you, not just one of you.

Mind, if you just feel done here, that's okay, too. In other words, if you don't wan to try anything else with this, or feel it would be fruitless, I'd honor your own feelings and instincts there. And if it feels like you couldn't even ask to take just this one sexual activity off the table for a little while, with the aim of improving your relationship, no less, without freakouts or guilt trips, or someone feeling like someone took their lollipop away, I'd honor and pay attention to those feelings, too. because if you are feeling those ways, it may be that this is just done and is just something that's not going to work for you and is best to walk away from.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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