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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Partner loses his erection when I touch myself

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Author Topic: Partner loses his erection when I touch myself
Member # 27531

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I am female and consider myself heterosexual. My new partner is male and considers himself heterosexual. In bed with him the other night, I reached down to touch myself during vaginal intercourse and he lost his erection literally as soon as my hand reached my clitoris. He said it makes him feel like he "is in the corner of the room". He also seemed turned off when he had fallen out of me during vaginal sex and I tried to help him back inside me. I think his words were: "I know where it goes". Anyone else experienced anything like this before? Could these be red flags of a history of sexual abuse, or of a controlling personality?

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

Posts: 231 | From: California, USA | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 103905

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Personally I would see these as signs that he
1) expects you to have orgasms from intercourse alone. Maybe he thinks that this is what happens most often? Some enlightening might be in order.
2) feels that intercourse is something that he should be doing to you, not something that the two of you can be doing together.

I would not see these as red flags as yet, per se; I would however feel that it's time for some good talks. His ideas on sex and intercourse strike me as rather traditional, and also as generally off the mark.
He seems to be insecure about his role as a sexual partner; you touching yourself apparently gives him the feeling that he's not doing things right, or not doing enough.
There might be some level of incompatibility here; talking is probably the best way to find out.
Good luck!

[ 07-01-2014, 03:47 AM: Message edited by: Snorkmaiden ]

Posts: 17 | From: Netherlands | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi Starhallie,

I agree with Snorkmaiden that some of this might be coming from ideas he has about intercourse and who is the more active party. Many guys grow up with the notion that the man is the active partner and the woman is the receptive one, and that guys should be able to just intuit how to make their partner feel good.

If you haven't already, talking with your boyfriend is a good first step. It will likely give you a better sense of what his feelings are, and may also open the door for you two to have a bigger discussion about what you're comfortable and not comfortable with in sexual situations.

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