Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Am I ready?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Am I ready?
rainbowfox
Neophyte
Member # 110555

Icon 1 posted      Profile for rainbowfox     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am constantly struggling with this question. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months . He loves me and I love him as well. I am 22 and he is 25 and we are both virgins. We have never had sex other then manual sex like fingering and handjobs. We touch each other and explore each others body but it is clear I have a much higher drive then him . I want to have sex. If we spend the night together in the same bed I find myself debating. He is willing to wait and does not pressure me . He actually has turned me down from sex if I am unsure. Here is the problem.

I dont want to be sexually active. I am scared of pregnancy and I am scared of STDs.. I do not like trusting people with my body. I also dont want to constantly have to pump myself with birth control pills and constantly be worried that I am pregnant. I have OCD and very high anxiety and find myself worrying about these things for actions that do not pose a risk. I cant imagine having an actual risk. I fear I Will be anxious all the time. However I want to have sex with my boy friend badly at times. I am always dry humping him and doing different things but I feel like he doesnt really enjoy it. This is another concern of mine. I feel like his sex drive would be too low to match mine. I am usually the one getting on him and such. I am usually the one moving his hands to different parts of my body. I am also worried that sex will kill our relationship. He will get bored and begin to wonder how other girls would be like or our relationship will be start to depend on sex or he will be with me just for sex. I am his first girlfriend.

I dont know what to do. I want to have sex. I want to share that with him but I dont want to be sexually active and I dont know who to talk to about all these feelings as my mother is completely "No sex until marriage".

Posts: 15 | From: earth | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi rainbowfox,

I do think that, given your worries about pregnancy over types of sex that can't cause pregnancy in the first place, having sex that does pose a risk of STI transmission and pregnancy might not be the best choice for you right now. Are there types of no-risk physical intimacy you really do enjoy together? A lot of things, just not intercourse, fall under the umbrella of sex, so it may even help to reframe your thinking around this.
Even something like masturbating together might be a way for you to be sexual together without any sort of pregnancy worry.

In terms of your worries about your boyfriend being bored or having a sex drive mismatch, the best way to know how he's feeling about all of this is to have a conversation with him about it. It might seem intimidating to bring all of this up, but it's a good habit to learn. It sounds like you have some specific fears around introducing other kinds of sex into your relationship and how that might change it, so you could bring all of those up with him and see how he's feeling.

Are you currently getting any sort of counseling support for your anxiety and OCD? Ultimately, I think that's going to be the key to being able to enjoy sex without so much fear around it. If you are seeing someone and haven't brought up your worries around sex, I think it would be a good idea.

We do have a good sex-readiness article here: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
but while I think it's definitely worth a read, I'd say focusing on mental healthcare and some talks with your partner is a good start.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rainbowfox
Neophyte
Member # 110555

Icon 1 posted      Profile for rainbowfox     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My boy friend is very understanding. We talk about this and he tells me to get help with my anxiety and there ia no rush or pressure.

I actually am getting help, at least starting too. Im more sexually fustrated then him. I feel like a condom wouldn't be enough but I don't want to go on the pill. I have all these worries and the fact that I have to do it eventually. How long will he wait? :/
Does he even want to? He says he does but he doesn't make too contact with me in a sexual way. I guess he may be trying to keep me from a stressful situation.

Posts: 15 | From: earth | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In terms of you being sexually frustrated, do you masturbate at all? Doing so alone or with him might help.

It sounds like your boyfriend understands your worries, so the fact that he's not initiating contact doesn't make me think he isn't interested in sex, but that he's trying, as you suggest, to keep from triggering those worries.

You've mentioned fears about him getting bored or frustrated, but if he's being clear in his support then I think taking that at face value is probably the best idea. If his feelings about sex change, that's certainly something he could bring up with you.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rainbowfox
Neophyte
Member # 110555

Icon 1 posted      Profile for rainbowfox     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes I do from time to time and my boyfriend does finger me and has made me orgasm but what about him?

I just feel bad about it.I feel like our relationship is broken or missing something because of this. I also dont want to do oral so he isnt really getting much from me other then handjobs which I know he must get bored of. I'm out of ideas.

Posts: 15 | From: earth | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm hearing from you that YOU think he must be bored, and not that HE has expressed to you that he's bored or that he thinks he will get bored. Is that right?

If so, can we talk about why you might think that? For example, do you think that people in general get bored in a relationship without certain kinds of sex? Or that men get bored without certain kinds of sex? Or does this feel more specific to you, like someone might get bored with being with you?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rainbowfox
Neophyte
Member # 110555

Icon 1 posted      Profile for rainbowfox     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
He hasnt told me he is bored . I do thing people get bored without sex. My male friends always tell me how important sex is to them and if a relationship without sex is brought up then they would say no way. I could see someone getting fed up with me andmy worries . im happy my boyfriend is so supportive but I want him to be happy too . I also want to have sex. Its something I thinkk about alot but am too scared. Most of my friends are sexually active so its weird I cant share experiences.
Posts: 15 | From: earth | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It may be good to remember that your friends' opinions about sex in a relationship don't necessarily reflect your boyfriend's. He's going to be the best expert on his desires and expectations. So, since he isn't expressing those feelings to you, it may not be an issue for him the way it might be for other people.
Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3