Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I love my boyfriend, I hate our sex

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: I love my boyfriend, I hate our sex
FollowingTheBuzzards
Neophyte
Member # 110569

Icon 1 posted      Profile for FollowingTheBuzzards     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi, I've been with my current boyfriend for almost two years and we've been sexually active for about 16 months. We were both virgins. My boyfriend is my best friend and I am never bored of him or his company, but I feel terrible whenever we have sex. I simple don't enjoy it, at all. By sex, I mean all types, oral, manual etc. It took me a long while to be able to please him because he masturbated so much, he was only used to his own hand. I now don't give him oral or handjobs as they seem to be a waste of time, and I don't like receiving the equivalent. I don't masturbate, I've tried in the past but I also very much dislike it. I guess what I would like to know is, does this seem like a physical or emotional issue? Thanks

[ 06-15-2014, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: FollowingTheBuzzards ]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi FollowingTheBuzzards, welcome to Scarleteen! I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this issue. We can't really know whether it is a physical or emotional issue, as we are unfortunately not diviners [Smile] But! What we can do is go through it with you and try to identify what some of the issues may be, so that you may be able to figure out yourself whether it's something that's more physical or emotional. So.

Do you feel any desire to have sex, before you start having it? Do you feel any level of arousal when you're by yourself? Are there any sexual things that you DO enjoy, like kissing?

We have some articles that may help you in working this out:
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire
How Do You Masturbate?
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

I know that's a lot of information! But hopefully some of it will help you out [Smile]

[ 06-15-2014, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
As an addition to the great questions Onionpie asked, I'm also wondering why you'd say you are choosing to still engage in any of these activities if you not only don't enjoy them, but feel you hate them.

Too, has this always been the case in this relationship for you? Or, was there a time any way of being sexual together was enjoyable for you, physically, emotionally or in both respects?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FollowingTheBuzzards
Neophyte
Member # 110569

Icon 1 posted      Profile for FollowingTheBuzzards     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for both responses. To answer the first, I feel a desire to be close with my boyfriend and I like kissing and hugging, but I wouldn't say I'm ever horny or anything like that, before sex or on my own,hence why I don't masturbate. I like the idea of him being inside me, not for sexual reasons, but for the closeness. Even then, when he actually is inside me, i can't feel anything. I've talked to him about this before and he worried that its because he's small, but i reassure him that size doesn't matter, and neither should sex.
To answer the second, and to contradict myself a little, i cant help but feel that other people get on with it and enjoy it so i should too. I don't want my boyfriend to "miss out" because he's with me.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, from what I can tell, it sounds like you want to be emotionally intimate, romantically close with your boyfriend, but you do not feel sexual or any desire to be sexual in any way. Is that right?

Also, beyond an inch or two into the vagina, there aren't many nerve endings so sensation is usually pretty general, a more vague feeling of "fullness" than really sensitive pleasure. That will particularly be the case when you're not aroused during sex -- arousal tends to amplify any sensations we do feel. So it's not very surprising that the intercourse seems pretty "meh".

Having sex just because other people do it, or to try to give your boyfriend what you think he wants/needs in a relationship, isn't such a great idea. If you dislike doing something but keep doing it, that's actually pretty likely to make you like it even less. And also, having sex with someone who really couldn't care less for it? Isn't bound to be the most exciting thing ever; when we care about our partners and want our sex to be mutually enjoyable, having sex with someone who's decidedly "meh" about the whole thing tends to really put us off, you know?

It's like sharing a banana sundae with someone but it turns out they hate bananas and ice cream: you'd LOVE to share it with them, but you certainly wouldn't enjoy watching them eat it KNOWING that they hate it. You'd rather find something else to eat that you BOTH enjoy!

So I really feel like taking a big step back from sexual activity that you don't like would be a big benefit for both of you. Stick to doing things that you only really WANT to do, so you can begin to explore what it is you DO want. If that's just kissing for now? That's fine! If it's nothing at all? That's okay too! What you want to do with this is really listen to your feelings about what you do and do not want, so you can get a bit more connected with how you're really feeling.

Do you remember if you've ever felt sexual desire before? Do you feel physically attracted to people, or do you feel that your attraction to people is exclusively romantic?

I highly recommend the article about desire that I linked in my last post, as that will help you really start to identify where you're at with feelings of desire.

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FollowingTheBuzzards
Neophyte
Member # 110569

Icon 1 posted      Profile for FollowingTheBuzzards     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have looked at all the articles you sent me, thank you for those. I would like to say to the one about masturbating though that I am happy not to masturbate, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything there in all honesty. In a sense, its the same with sex. I don't feel like I want things to change, I would just like to understand them. I am straight edge so I do not drink, smoke or do drugs due to personal beliefs. I guess sex can be something I add to the list.
i can't say if I've ever felt sexual desire before, but I think I'm a bit old fashioned. I look at my boyfriend and think he's beautiful and in a way I feel an urge to have sex to reproduce (as I would love kids), rather than to "get off" on each other. I believe this is like a primal instinct?

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, given what you're saying here about not being sure you have felt any desire to be sexual with your boyfriend -- not an urge to try and reproduce, which is related for some kinds of sex, obviously, but not the same thing as sharing and exploring sexual pleasure -- how about you start by not doing anything anymore that you do not feel a desire to do?

In other words, trying to do things because other people do or like them isn't the way to figure out what YOU want and like. It sounds to me like the very first step with all of this is to stop doing anything you do not, yourself, strongly want to do and enjoy. That way, you can start fresh here by only doing what actually feels good for you, physically and emotionally, and getting the space to figure out what you want.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FollowingTheBuzzards
Neophyte
Member # 110569

Icon 1 posted      Profile for FollowingTheBuzzards     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, thank you for this, and for the article on desire, I have found it extremely helpful. Thank you again for your advice!
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're welcome. [Smile]

Do you need any help in terms of setting these limits with your boyfriend and communicating these things to him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FollowingTheBuzzards
Neophyte
Member # 110569

Icon 1 posted      Profile for FollowingTheBuzzards     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No, as I've said my boyfriend is my best friend and we both feel very comfortable talking to each other about this sort of thing. He is very keen to make me happy so I'm sure he'll understand everything if I explain it to him.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Fantastic! [Big Grin]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
FollowingTheBuzzards
Neophyte
Member # 110569

Icon 1 posted      Profile for FollowingTheBuzzards     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
thank you for all your help [Smile]
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3