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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » What If I Can't Have An Orgasm?

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Author Topic: What If I Can't Have An Orgasm?
Lady Journalist
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Hello! I am a journalist working on a story for a national women's magazine about young women having trouble reaching an orgasm. This is unfortunately a very prevalent problem and the goal of my story is to try and find out why.

I am looking for young people who are willing to share their experiences. Your honesty will help others!!

I will protect your identity to the extent that makes you comfortable. And I take great responsibility in handling everyone's story with respect and care.

I feel fortunate to be working with Heather Corinna and Scarleteen to help bring this issue to light. I think it can do a lot of good.

How to Participate: If you are interested in participating in this story, you may respond to this thread with your story or contact me directly via hswood@gmail.com.

Thank you!

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Heather Wood Rudulph
I am a journalist who writes about important issues facing women and girls.

Posts: 6 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just because one user wasn't sure, I did okay this. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lady Journalist
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Hi Everyone. I totally broke the rules and posted my same topic twice. I didn't mean to! [Eek!] I just wanted to put this topic in the right place. I know this is a hard thing to talk about, which is actually why I'm really passionate about writing about it--so many young women could find a voice through yours!

Anyway, if you want to see more about me and what I write and how I feel about things like women's rights and health, you can check out my Tumblr: http://heatherwoodrudulph.tumblr.com/

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Heather Wood Rudulph
I am a journalist who writes about important issues facing women and girls.

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Kabith
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2 quick stories from me, I hope they can help!

1) I didn't figure out how to masturbate until I was 17. When I was younger, I would touch myself a bit, but I never knew why or had any goal in mind. I eventually stopped because I thought it was shameful. Years later (in high school), I discovered online via Scarleteen (THANKS SCARLETEEN) and Planned Parenthood that woman can in fact experience pleasure, and can in fact masturbate. I decided to give it a try, and looked up all sorts of how-to's online.

It took me a really long time to actually orgasm for a few reasons. a) I was very unfamiliar with my body, so it took me a good year to understand what things were and where they were, and what felt nice and what didn't. b) I used to touch myself with the goal of "orgasm" in mind, instead of just enjoying it. When I actually did orgasm for the first time, it was a complete surprise. I was reading an erotic story on my smartphone late at night, casually touching myself, but not really thinking anything would happen. The story actually distracted me from focusing on myself, and about half way through the story I came. It freaked me out and I ended up yelling into a pillow because it was more intense than anything I was expecting. I was actually scared to try it for the next few months, but eventually got back to it. Point being, I had to learn my body and stop focusing on the "orgasm" so much for me to actually enjoy myself. I also discovered that I need some sort of visual stimulation in order to turn myself on enough to finish, hence the use of erotic novels.

2) The first time I orgasm'ed with a partner was very stressful, and it took me a long time to even be able to. I kept thinking about different things and getting stressed about whether or not I would be able to orgasm, and how that would make /him/ feel. We tried a few times, and I always chickened out. Eventually, we decided that I could touch myself while he was there, kissing me etc., so that I was in complete control of my own body. Once I was comfortable with that idea, I actually felt empowered, and was able to masturbate to orgasm with him laying next to me. That helped me realize that orgasms don't have to happen any specific way to be the "right way" with someone else. As long as you are both having a good time, it doesn't really matter how it happens, when it happens, where it happens, or even if it happens at all! Now I do not have trouble orgasming with a partner, as long as I feel comfortable and empowered.

I hope my stories are helpful in some way! The more people feel empowered in their bodies and sexuality, the better!

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Lady Journalist
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Kabith, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so glad you have come to realize there is no shame in your body and that feeling good is something we should all experience! And I love your positive message. I think it's a real inspiration for girls and young women.

A few questions: How old were you when you had that first orgasm?

How old are you now?

What do you mean when you say you "chickened out" from having an orgasm?

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Heather Wood Rudulph
I am a journalist who writes about important issues facing women and girls.

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MissBear
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As a kid, I knew about masturbation, but whenever I tried, it didn't really do anything for me. I assumed that it just didn't work for me. However, at the same time, I often had BDSM fantasies, starting from a young age, that made me feel all tingly and excited. For some reason, I never put the two together until I was around 16 - when I suddenly and very quickly brought myself to orgasm.
At the time, I had a boyfriend, but we hadn't progressed to that stage of a sexual relationship. Three months later, though, we began to experiment with manual sex. He couldn't make me orgasm, even though I was always able to easily when I was alone. After about six months, we began incorporating BDSM elements into our play, and that immediately helped - I was physically and mentally more aroused. However, I was still unable to orgasm with him (from either manual or oral stimulation).
Recently, we succeeded in achieving orgasm from manual sex, and in talking about what had stopped me before, we came to a few conclusions:
1. Because I started masturbating so soon before experimenting with him, I was still trying to figure out my own body. It wasn't until much later that I was able to give feedback like "I would prefer if you touched me faster/lighter/whatever. I definitely think that touching lighter was a big deal - while rough touching feels good to me, I only orgasm from gentle touching.
2. Although he never pressured me, I knew that he wanted to be able to get me to orgasm - and I certainly felt self-conscious when I had to tell him to stop because I wasn't going to get there. The result was that instead of focusing on my pleasure, I was running a mental monologue of "Will it work this time? Will it? I feel close - I really hope it works!"

I hope this helps!

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