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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Painful sex

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Author Topic: Painful sex
Jamie Lynn18
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This isn't my first time having sex, but it's still as painful as the first time.

I lost my virginity at 18 with my first boyfriend, and it was horrible. I bled so much that it soaked through my mattress pad and it took me five minutes in the bathroom to clean myself up, and it also hurt a lot, although I figured it would since I was a virgin before then.

And now, with my new boyfriend, it still hurts like the first time, even though I had sex (some painful, some very pleasurable) multiple times with my ex. We've tried lots of foreplay and lube, and I always seem lubricated enough (I'm sopping wet and we use like, a fourth of the bottle of lube), but he could barely get the tip of his penis in, let alone the whole thing. Sometimes he tries to loosen me up with his finger, and even that hurts, but he can get it in farther without it feeling worse the deeper he goes. There's no blood, so I don't think it's some kind of infection or anything, I'm just really confused as to why it hurts so much. I know sex is supposed to hurt the first time after not having sex for a while, but is it supposed to be a deep, burning, excruciating pain? My mom says I need to relax, but I'm not a relaxer by nature...could that be the problem? That I'm just nervous?

Also, I'm on Gianvi for heavy periods and Zoloft for anxiety, could either of those cause vaginal problems like this?

[ 04-09-2013, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Jamie Lynn18 ]

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Heather
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Welcome to the boards, Jamie. [Smile]

Have you already looked at the content we have on the site that addresses this?

Like:
• From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
• Yield for Pleasure
• Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

As well, have you also already started by seeing a sexual healthcare provider, like your OB/GYN if you see one, to rule out a physical/medical issue?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Jamie Lynn18
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Thank you for linking those articles, I never noticed those. I will definitely read them.

And, sadly, I'm still living with my parents, who are in charge of the insurance and my life, apparently, and won't allow me to go to get a pelvic exam before I have to go anyway for my annual checkup. My mom's exact words, "If it hurts, don't do it, you don't need sex. I think you can wait a few months."

Thankfully my boyfriend understands and isn't pushing me, but I want to know what's going on. Obviously lubrication and foreplay isn't working, unless I really need to pile it on. But we play around for a good 20 minutes before we try anything involving penetration. Maybe it's because it's hurt in the past and I think it will hurt again, so I become less aroused?

Am I kinda answering my own question....? [Razz]

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Heather
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In many areas, you may have access to sexual healthcare you can get without your parent's permission or using their insurance. If you like, I'd be happy to help you see what's available in your area.

But how about this: why don't you read through those pieces first, and see if they give you any clues about what might be going on? We can talk more after you've read them, whether you do find things that seem to fit or you don't. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jamie Lynn18
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That would be very nice, actually.

I seem to have found a couple reasons why...mostly involving a fear of being hurt again and kind of a feeling of being controlled by him (not horribly abusive or anything, just little things). We're also in a fairly new relationship, so maybe I haven't fully developed trust in him yet, even though I think I have? He also likes to take things slowly and doesn't want to move too quickly, so maybe he's not emotionally into it either? I know after reading all three of those articles that we have the physical aspects right. We have enough lubrication, we're both aroused enough, he is going in the right place (just thought I'd throw that one out there [Razz] )...I honestly think this is more psychological than physical. The motions seem to be right, but it just feels...bleh.

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Heather
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You know, usually, with people who are in general good health, it is most often psychological, emotional or interpersonal than about a physical issue.

Can I ask, with the sexual pacing, if a good deal of time was spent with other kinds of sex -- at least weeks, let's say, maybe months, if you're younger -- before you two moved on to anything where vaginal entry was involved?

Also, have you tried, as one of those pieces suggested, entry only after you've already, especially right after, reached orgasm? If so, any difference then?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jamie Lynn18
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We both agreed that oral sex is disgusting, and I'm a little apprehensive about anal sex just because I've heard that it hurts a lot. We have done manual sex, though, actually we usually do that before any vaginal penetration happens, but it's usually in one day, not just manual sex for a couple weeks, then moving on to vaginal sex, like you're suggesting. We don't have a lot of time together, so I don't know how that would work...if doing this maybe twice a week is considered "regularly."

I've never reached orgasm, so no. The only stimulation I've ever had was clitoral, and I'm always on top for that. I almost always get tired before I reach orgasm. Unless I have before and I never knew it because I have no clue what it feels like...

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Heather
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Just FYI, we ask that users here try not to call any consensual activities, body parts, etc. things like "disgusting." You get to feel however you do about any of them, obviously, but as a diverse community space, particularly one where a lot of people grapple with feelings of shame around sex, we ask you keep those kinds of words to yourself, okay? Thanks. [Smile]

Am I hearing right that it sounds like the only kinds of sex you're engaging in that involve your genitals all involve vaginal insertion? In other words, unless manual sex involved for you, sometimes or always, a lot of external vulval stimulus and without vaginal entry, are you saying that only the kinds of sex that don't feel good to you are the kinds you're doing that involve your genitals (rather than things that involve his, like say, his penis and your hands, etc.?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I also feel like you're saying that say, not engaging in intercourse, and instead focusing on other kinds of sex you might like, isn't an option for you? You say you don't have a lot of time together, so you don't know how that'd work: do you mean you feel like you HAVE to have intercourse?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jamie Lynn18
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Oh, I'm sorry. I meant we don't prefer it.

Yeah, that sounds about right, actually. Me giving him handjobs doesn't really do anything for me, to use your example. He does finger me, but it's mostly just to loosen me up. It doesn't feel good, it usually hurts, actually.

And I guess we were both brought up to think that sex is the ultimate nirvana, if you will. Like, the best feeling in the world, superior to all other forms of sex, so we have to get that figured out in order to feel good sexually. And other than clitoral stimulation (dry humping, essentially), nothing else feels good for me. I feel like his penis is biologically meant to go into my vagina, so what else can I do? I just feel like if it goes anywhere else, it's unhealthy and maybe damaging something. Just putting something where it doesn't belong.

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Heather
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Well, I think we can agree that clearly the kinds of sex you're engaging in -- all of them, from the sounds of it -- are NOT nirvana.

And for sure, doing things that don't do anything for you -- like if the handjobs don't, the manual sex for you doesn't -- then for sure, it's not a shocker that some sexual things hurt. because for sexual things to feel good, we generally have to be excited and enjoy them. We have to feel passionate about them.

You said at first you're sure you're aroused enough, but I guess now I'm not really hearing you say any of this has been enjoyable? If so, I'm a bit confused, because I'm not sure how you're staying aroused once it starts, if you even are before it does. Know what I mean?

Just for the record, things like oral sex or anal sex aren't "damaging," or "putting things where they don't belong." And those things can pose some health risks, but just like something like intercourse can, too.

Can I ask if sex is even something you feel you strongly WANT to be having now, and with this guy? Like, you feel HUNGRY to be sexual with this person, and when you engage in at least *some* kind of sex, it feels deeply satisfying for you?

You say you've tried lots of foreplay, but I'm not hearing you describe any kind of sex-before-sex you're having that you're actually really into and loving. If not, then none of that actually is going to do anything per making your body more receptive to entry. (And we can't actually loosen someone's vagina with our fingers, so's you know. Fingers aren't what make that opening more flexible, when they do: it's getting turned ON by that and enjoying it that does that, when it does.)

If not? Chances are THAT is the problem here. Ever eat when you're not hungry or are already full? If so, you know that doesn't tend to feel good at all. The same tends to go with sex: if we try and do it when we're not very "hungry," it's not going to feel good. And if we try and have the kind of sex that involves entry into any part of our genitals, it often will hurt.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jamie Lynn18
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Yeah, no, they're not.

The thing is, I usually am aroused before it happens. But once he puts his penis inside of me and it starts hurting, I lose the arousal. And so does he, actually, because he's worried about hurting me.

And yes, the foreplay has been enjoyable. Which is why I get aroused during the foreplay, then lose it during the actual intercourse part.

Well, I wasn't really talking about oral sex being damaging, I was really more talking about anal sex. I feel like the penis isn't supposed to go there, so why would he put it there?

In the moment, I do feel hungry for sex...there are times when I say I'm ready, and then he starts and all of a sudden, I'm not ready because it hurts too much. I don't know if clitoral stimulation is considered "sex" (I think different people have different definitions of sex), but that's the only thing that feels deeply satisfying, even if we can't finish it because I'm too tired to keep pounding on top of him.

We usually use the humping as foreplay, so yes, I do love that. And we make out and massage each other as well, but the massages don't feel like anything. When he massages my breasts, I don't feel anything extraordinary, just a hand on some fat. If he massages any other part of my body, I'm likely to fall asleep like I do when I come to him with a sore back and he gives me a back massage. And the fingers, I've already mentioned, still hurt, just not as badly as the penis.

I can honestly say in the moment, I really want it. But in the long run, I feel like I can live without it. But I always thought that was part of being a woman. My mom always told me that women can live without sex, but men can't. So I always felt like if I don't wanna have sex at that very moment, it just came with the territory. Every guy I dated got horny when they hugged me or kissed me. I don't, I only get horny if they do something involving my private parts. Even then, I sometimes don't.

Is there something wrong with me? I kinda feel like there is...isn't everyone supposed to like sex? Everyone looks at me weird when I say I don't like it.

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Heather
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Maybe you can tell me what the foreplay is for you, since all I'm hearing is that the sexual things you have been doing either hurt or don't do anything for you?

When we say sex here, btw, this is what we mean: What's Sex?

When you say clitoral stimulation feels really good, have you two then spent a lot of time with that outside intercourse? In other words, is that something you've spent a good deal of time doing, including with no vaginal entry happening at all, with other kinds of sex?

By all means, feeling ho-hum about sex isn't about gender. Being female doesn't make that so, either: sex is something people of every gender have the capacity to enjoy, to desire strongly, etc. Your mother may have felt that way in her own sexuality, but that doesn't make it so for all women just because she was a woman. (And what she said about men was equally problematic, and I bet that idea is REALLY not helping you in some of this: I'd suggest that however much you might love your Mom, you recognize her ideas about gender and sex were really broken and throw them away. Seriously, they're just wrong.)

I doubt there's something wrong with you. I heave to head out, so we can pick this up tomorrow, but as of right now, I just think that either a) you are moving things along sexually way faster than really suits you, your body, and this relationship, and maybe b) you just don't really feel any big, giant desire for/with this particular guy, and maybe not yet in your sexuality, period, and c) it sounds like there are some frameworks and dynamics underlying all of this that you're carrying around, or making part of your sexual life that are likely part of everything here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Also? Not everyone likes sex, and even more commonly NO ONE likes the sex they don't like, in a word. In other words, when people aren't having good sex, satisfying sex, sex that's right for them and feels awesome? They usually don't like it.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I'm back around, so if you want to pick this conversation up, just give a shout!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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