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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Please help me and my girlfriend!

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Author Topic: Please help me and my girlfriend!
Lee28
Neophyte
Member # 103076

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I am 23, my new girlfriend is 33. We have not been together long however there are a few things I must explain before I can hope to get a good answer and hopefully some good advice.

My girlfriend is Muslim, not strictly like her family however she still is and that won't change. She has tried dating Muslim guys for an arranged marriage as she should however she has found all they want is sex and she didn't like it. She since dated a few white guys however she didn't have the best sexual experiences, some against her own will and others where the guy has simply only cared about one thing and just gone for it with no foreplay or arousal and she ended up in the doctors for internal bleeding.

As you can imagine it took her time to trust any guy but luckily I have met her now and just want to help her enjoy a healthy sex life and a normal loving relationship. The things I need to ask for help on are the following:

1. When I I touch the head of her clitoris she says it feels like a painful, strange and abnormal feeling and like an electric shock throughout her body from her vagina. I understand this in a way in that I think this is what most women associate with clitoral pleasure but as she is not used to it she feels pain or doesn't enjoy it as she isn't relaxed?
2. When I am inside her (not sex yet, I don't want to try this until we have sorted things because I'm larger than average and don't want to hurt her more) she says it feels neither good or bad, just weird in that something is inside and rubbing against her.
3. When I gave her oral I managed to get her to moan and breathe heavily for a duration of maybe 20 seconds but then nothing and I couldn't repeat this, again she said touching her clitoris was painful etc.
4. Obviously with her being Muslim she isn't supposed to be with a white guy, doesn't drink, gets shouted at for being out late, so this also adds pressure and makes her feel un-relaxed but we aim to fix this when she can move into her own place or with me many months down the line.

I am thinking that due to her past experiences as well as only associating sex with pain this could be a long process and perhaps never even be resolved but any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Posts: 2 | From: England | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Lee28 and welcome to Scarleteen,

Yes, family pressures and past traumatic experiences can certainly contribute to making it hard to relax and enjoy sexual activity.

However, What you're describing here is mostly within the range of physical experiences that we would expect to hear about.

Many women find that having the head of their clitoris touched is just too much--that it can feel painful or just too sensitive. The way to "fix" this is to not touch the head of the clitoris but to instead stimulate areas around it.

With vaginal stimulation I think you're talking about doing that with your fingers, since you've said you aren't engaging in penis-and-vagina intercourse at this time. The vagina itself doesn't have a lot of nerve endings. Many people with vaginas find that they don't experience much in the way of pleasure--or discomfort. Since there are few nerve endings, there are few sensations of any kind to transmit.

It's clear that you're concerned about this, and about your girlfriend. How has your girlfriend expressed feeling about all of this?

For more on what I've just written regarding what may be going on with your girlfriend's body, I think you would find it helpful to read this:
Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More

What do you think about talking with your girlfriend about what kind of sexual activity she would like to engage in? Have the two of you had these discussions at all? Since genital activity is uncomfortable for her right now, what do you think about suggesting that the two of you take a break from that kind of activity for a bit and focus on things that make both of you feel good?

Genital stimulation is not the be-all-and-end-all of pleasurable activity for everyone, either for always or for specific times in their lives. There's a lot more to pleasure than genitals. There's more about that herWith Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

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(I hope it's ok for me to post here - I understand it's not staff-exclusive, but it does say "questions for staff".)

Lee28, I'm not staff here, but I do know a little about resources in the UK, so I hope it's ok that I reply to you.

When you say that your girlfriend had experiences against her will, I'm understanding that you mean sexual experiences. That classes as sexual assault, so your girlfriend would be able to use services for people who've been sexually assaulted if she would like to. Has she ever received any knowledgeable, trained help or support for the experiences she's had? Most people who've been assaulted find that it's helpful for them to do so, when they feel ready.

There are a number of services available in the UK, both for women generally who've been assaulted, and also services specifically for Muslim and/or Asian women. If your girlfriend would like to see what's available, I'd suggest she start by contacting and asking her local Rape Crisis, as they should know what groups operate locally, as well as themselves, of course. Here's a link for finding that: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

Some Muslim women's groups may also be helpful to your girlfriend if she's experiencing conflict between her own beliefs and wishes and the expectations her family or community have for her.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1443 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lee28
Neophyte
Member # 103076

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Robin, thankyou for the reply. Indeed we have discussed this and she wanted me to try and find some experienced advice on here or somewhere similar.

The problem is she doesn't yet know what she enjoys because she has never really had any sexual experiences that she has enjoyed. She doesn't just want to go to her GP and basically be told that it is all psychological and be referred to a psychiatrist etc.

Thank you for the links, I will share your reply with her and hopefully we can come to a resolution.

In response to redskies again thank you for the advice. Although I do agree what you're saying is a possibility she is scared of what could happen if she does down this route at the moment, the main problem being, because she is Asian, that I am really the only person she can talk to about it or provide her with support. I will let her know of this possibility also though.

Any more responses are definitely welcome from anyone willing to help [Smile]

Lee

Posts: 2 | From: England | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

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Lee28 - what is your girlfriend scared might happen? I'm asking because sometimes what people are scared of around this kind of thing, while being understandable, are just really, really unlikely to be part of the picture. If, on the other hand, it's something realistically possible, then there are often alternative ways around it or ways of dealing with it.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1443 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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