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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Curious & Ready...?

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Author Topic: Curious & Ready...?
healingmyhurt
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I'm a fifteen year old girl and I am in my first serious relationship. My boyfriend is a few months older than me and he is amazing. He treats me like a princess and showers me with love and affection. I truly believe he is the one. He and I get along so well and we are also best friends, not just boyfriend and girl friend. I suffer from clincial depression and I have for over a year and a half. I am on antidepressants and they help. I have also attempted to kill myself twice, the last time I attempted the only person I told was my boyfriend. He was extremely concerned and urged me to talk to my counsellor about it. I want to, but last time I told my counsellor, he told my parents and a lot of drama and stuff went down. I am doing much better since, and am really enjoying life though. I have recently had more good days than bad, which is a change because last year I was so depressed, I had to take quite a lot of time off school. Anyway, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for close to three months but have been non offically together for roughly five months. Like I said before, him is amazing. I'm his second serious girlfriend, him and his last girlfriend were together for over a year and she cheated on him numerous times, leading to them breaking up. She has moved to Australia now so she is completely out of the picture. Anyway! Him and I have been talking for quite a while about having sex, we both feel we are ready for it and everything, but we are both underage by a few months. We are both virgins and both of us were sexually abused when we were 8,9, 10ish. He was abused by his neighbour who was around his age and it only happened a few times. I was abused from the ages of 8-10 and it went on for about two years. It was by my sisters friend, so it was somebody the same gender as me. I never told anybody and obly my boyfriend knows. It effected me quite bad but I am slowly healing!
Anyway, so I was just wondering, how safe are condoms? Is the first time meant to be awkward? Any tips or advice? Please help!!! I also was wondering, does it hurt much? Will I bleed? What am I meant to expect the first time? How do we make it really comfortable? Aha, him and I are both nervous but we really wanna do it. So, yeah. Please help! Anything you think that would be useful, please tell me!!! (:

[ 02-01-2013, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: healingmyhurt ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, starting a sexual relationship, even one that winds up being great, puts a lot of new stuff, including new stresses, on our plates. If and when someone -- or both someones -- are already grappling with heavy issues like serious depression, and a history of abuse -- especially without any real help healing yet, since sex may well, as it often does, trigger feelings and issues around that abuse, adding sex to the equation may wind up tipping the cart.

In other words, while I'm happy to answer your questions or give you links about things like the efficacy of condoms and other facts and issues with first-time sex, I wonder if first it might be wisest to step back and little bit and reconsider the timing here?

How about, for instance, each of you getting some qualified help you can trust to help you heal from your abuse? How about each of you at least start to build a support system of someone other that just each other, including each having at least one trusted person you can talk to about the abuse, about your emerging sexual relationship now, etc?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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healingmyhurt
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Hi there,
And I have taken a step back and looked at things. I have recieved counselling for my depression and I have healed from my sexual abuse, so has my boyfriend. We have been talking about having sex for over a few months and he said he will wait as long as I want. I used to feel uneasy, the idea of doing something so intimate with him; after what we have both suffered; but we have both been through an incredible breakup when we opened up to eachother about it. He is the person I lean on for support and I'm the person he leans on for support. He is not at all affected by what happened to him, and I am nowhere near as effected as I was before I told him...I trust him with all my heart and I honestly know it wouldnt be something either of us would regret. We are both Christians but believe sex before marriage is okay as long as you love that person, and we honestly do love eachother. So. So. Much.<3 And what you said about sex triggering feelings and issues from the abuse...I know longer feel any feelings about the sexual abuse anymore..I used too, when I was with my boyfriend and we'd be making out but then I learnt to trust him and it defs helped me telling him about my abuse.
So, the issue here isn't really about weather I'm ready to have sex...I am ready...I have completely put my sexual abuse behind me...i believe i healed as much as possible, just by telling my boyfriend.
And as for my depression, I am currently going through a stage of extreme happiness...I am doing really really well at the moment [Smile]
Soooo.... ?
Anyway, so I was just wondering, how safe are condoms? Is the first time meant to be awkward? Any tips or advice? Please help!!! I also was wondering, does it hurt much? Will I bleed? What am I meant to expect the first time? How do we make it really comfortable? Aha, him and I are both nervous but we really wanna do it. So, yeah. Please help! Anything you think that would be useful, please tell me!!! (:

P.S. My abuse was from somebody the same gender as me, and I have absoutely no trouble at all with guys because of it, or anything. The only reason I was first unsure of myself when I first started to date my bf, was because he had been abused and I wasnt sure how to treat him. but we have talked about it now and we tell eachother everything, he really is a great person!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I trust your own assessment of yourself and the choices you want to make. Just know that if at any time you want to talk more about healing -- since it tends to be a lifelong process for those of us who have survived abuse, not something where we're ever just "done," and sex can trigger things even if our sexual partners aren't the same gender as those who abused us, which could happen for either of you -- I'm happy to do that with you. Same goes if you go ahead and pursue a sexual relationship and anything happens or comes up where you feel differently: it's not like I'd come back and say, "I told you so!" Okay?

So, to get you started with your questions, here are some links:

On condoms, how to use them, and their efficacy:
• Condoms
• Condom Basics: A User's Manual

On readiness for sex of any kind, first-time intercourse specifically and on awkwardness in sex in general:
• Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
• First Intercourse 101
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_and_why_to_root_for_team_awkward

More on making intercourse (if that's the kind of sex you're talking about) something that feels good, and on issues with emotional comfort, too:
• Yield for Pleasure
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

I know that's a lot there, but all of this is in-depth stuff, not things where one or two-word answers will cut it. But when you're done going through it, if you've got extra questions, or want to talk about anything you don't feel clear on after reading those, give a shout! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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healingmyhurt
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Thank you!!! [Smile]
I just checked out all the links and read them all! Took me awhile! [Smile] thank you so much! Also, i was just wondering; how much does sex hurt the first time? That's something I'm quite worried about, as although my boyfriend is extremely gentle; he is very big(penis size) and he is really tall. I'm quite short compared to him and i heard that sex with a small girl and tall guy is very painful and uncomfortable? And also, in your personal opinion, what are some typical emotions to feel during/before/after first time sex? Thanks a bunch [Big Grin]

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Heather
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Sex shouldn't hurt ANY time, including the first, when everyone involved is relaxed, very aroused, patient with each other, gentle with each other, well-lubricated and communicating.

The size of one person's body compared to another isn't an issue, especially since genital size doesn't correspond to whole body size. But if your boyfriend has a larger-than-average penis, that just might mean you two need to be a little more careful and patient than otherwise.

Really, there are no "typical" feelings with sex, for any time, be it someone's first sexual experience or their 301st. the range of feelings people have about a given sexual experience is all over the place, mostly because people are so different, as are their relationships and sexual experiences.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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healingmyhurt
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Ooohk, thanks for all that!
Well, I didn't mean pain as such..I meant more...discomfort...like, should I expect it to be a bit uncomofortable at first?
P.S. Sorry for all the questions.. [Frown]

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Heather
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How about you check back in with that first intercourse piece, and the anatomy piece? same with the yield for pleasure piece? All of them talk about this to some degree.

Or was there maybe something in all of those you feel like you just weren't getting?

Alternately, there's this piece for people who ARE experiencing pain with intercourse. That might show you some of WHY people do, when they do, so you can get what might be happening when intercourse feels good to people rather than uncomfortable: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

(Mind, anything new we do with our bodies, as you probably know from other experiences with your body, might feel uncomfortable or strange when they're new, if that's what you mean. And any kind of sex is like anything else: the first time or twelve or whatever that we do it likely might feel weird or not quite right, because it tends to take time and practice and experimenting to work out, together and for ourselves, what we like, what feels good and what we want.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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healingmyhurt
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Okay, thanks. I will take a look at those pieces again. i'm dyslexic so it sometimes takes me awhile to get things, and to understand them.
Also, just one more question, aha; how much privacy do you think an almost 16 yr old and her boyfriend should be allowed? Cos whenever he is over, we are allowed in my room but the door has to stay open and my sisters or brother often randomly walk in and it is so annoying..and to make things worse...we are moving soon and i have to share a room with my twin sister :\

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Heather
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No worries, they're not going anywhere, so you can take as much time as you need with them. [Smile]

You know, I can't speak universally for any age of people, because a) everyone is so very different, and b) every family and household simply isn't the same. As well, who gets their own room or doesn't also is often not about what parents do or don't want so much as it is about what families can and can't afford.

It sounds like you're saying, though, that you'd like more privacy, and given our conversations, I assume some of that desire is so you can be sexual. Have you talked with your family about that? Some families will allow an adolescent that kind of space and privacy. Some may not, but the reasons aren't always the same. But if that's something you want, might you try talking with your family about it?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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healingmyhurt
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sorry for the delayed reply... school has been busy [Frown]
and nooo, i cant talk to my parents about it. they wouldnt understand :\
but thanks anyway [Smile]

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Robin Lee
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Can you say more about why your parents wouldn't understand? How are things between you and them in general?

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Robin

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