I was sexually assaulted when I about 8 years ago and have spent a lot of time dealing with it. I struggled with sex for a while because anytime a guy got close to me I would have flash backs, but I thought I was getting better. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and although there are times when everything is great, there are other times when I cannot become arouse or when I feel anxious. Especially when I perform oral sex, I feel like I am being forced even though I am not and it makes it really hard to enjoy it. It is affecting my relationship because he can tell I don't want to do it and it hurts his feelings. I don't know what to do. I cannot continue this way, I want to have a normal, healthy sex life. Please help! Thank you.
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
HI Britt and welcome to Scarleteen.
It does sound like this is really tough for you. Does your boyfriend know that you were sexually assaulted? Have you talked with him about what is causing you to not enjoy giving him oral sex?
Most importantly, is giving oral sex an activity you want to be doing? It's always okay for people to not want to do certain activities in a consensual relationship, even if they're things the other partner wants. Many people have preferences about what activities they will and won't give or receive: sometimes because of a trauma history, sometimes because of another emotional difficulty or a physical problem, sometimes just because.
Are there activities that you do enjoy, and that you consistently feel good about and emotionally safe engaging in?
It's a lot of questions I know, but this will help us get to know you and figure out what resources might be helpful to you.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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He knows but I think its affect on our sex life confuses him. I admit sometimes it confuses me. There are times when I am fine and other times when the whole experience is terrible and uncomfortable for me no matter what he does. I almost always want to do it before hand but after we get started I start to feel... strange... uncomfortable, unsafe... like I just want it to stop. Nothing is consistent. I feel this sometimes even when he is the one performing oral sex or when we are just making out. I get claustrophobic. I really hate it because whenever I can be more relaxed I really do enjoy sex.
Bea, have you ever received any counseling around your sexual assault, any help at all in working through it? As much as it sucks, it is not at all unusual for assault survivors to experience flashbacks for a long time to come, and to experience the especially during sexual activity, including consensual, wanted activity.
Can we help you find some therapy?
One other thing that strikes me about your post is that you say you "almost always" want to engage in sexual activity before you start. Does that mean that you sometimes engage in activities when you don't feel like it? If so, that could also be at play here. Do you feel comfortable discussing this with your partner? More important, do you feel able to say "no" to him? Does he respect your boundaries?
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8853 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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