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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Performance Anxiety?

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Author Topic: Performance Anxiety?
CharlieJohnson
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Hey everyone.
I'm here because of an issue that's frustrating me and my girlfriend. We're trying to be sexually active and during foreplay(making out and such) I get hard, then loose it, get hard, then loose it. This happens about 10 times.
And then when we try to actually start intercourse, I put a condom on and try to start but I go limp yet again. So we keep making out and stuff and then after that I barely get it even halfway hard again.

In my mind I'm freaking out thinking "omg why can't I keep it hard?? Why can't I do this??" and basically panic, which like perma-kills my erection. Would this be considered "Performance Anxiety"? I've always heard that term, but never had to deal with it before.

I was sexually active with my ex also, and never had this problem once. What are some common causes, and possible solutions? It's very frustrating because I'm so turned on by her and want this so bad but yet my penis doesn't show it. I think it's offending her too honestly. :/ Could it be that I want this TOO bad and it makes me nervous because I want it to be good or something?

I have a list of possible reasons in my head, tell me if any of these make sense?
- I haven't had sex in about 4 months, so maybe my erection coming and going doing foreplay is basically because of pre-ejactulation on a small scale? I mean, there is pre-cum coming out...
- I've been masturbating more than usual recently, could I have "wore it out" from that? I masturbate dry too, no lube or anything.
- Could it be that she's just laying there taking most of the pleasure and I'm not receiving any touching myself other than kissing?
- My ex and I never did this much extensive foreplay, it was less than half the length. Could it be that the longer foreplay is hurting my erection and it can't stay hard that long without direct contact/stimulation? This foreplay is lasting about 30 - 40 minutes, when my ex and I used to go like 5 - 10 minutes only of foreplay.

Or maybe a possible solution would be to get off before-hand so that when we have sex my erection will last longer? Or would that make it harder to get hard again so soon? :S

Thanks for reading this, I really need advice on this because it's so frustrating. [Frown] It's happened 3 times now and I feel like I'm letting her down big time. :/

[ 07-02-2012, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: CharlieJohnson ]

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Redskies
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Hi Charlie, and welcome to Scarleteen!

First off, just take a big breath, and try to relax a bit. This kind of thing is pretty common: it's really common for our bodies to sometimes not act the way we want them to or hope they will. Frustrating, but common.

For sure, nerves, worrying, or feeling frustrated can absolutely contribute to or cause lack of erection or an erection to fade. Other things that can have an effect on how well our bodies work overall, and not just erections, can include things like feeling stressed, tired, hungry or thirsty.

The presence of pre-ejaculate is unlikely to have anything to do with this, as pre-ejaculate is something that most folk with penises produce anyway. It's also pretty unlikely that frequency of masturbation has anything to do with it, with the possible exception of if you're masturbating very shortly before sex with your girlfriend. We can't "wear out" our sexual function by masturbating - if you're not experiencing any discomfort or doing yourself any physical damage, and you feel comfortable about masturbating, it's all good.

Sometimes, this can happen with a new partner, whether that's a new sexual partner or a new partner for a particular kind of sex. That can be to do with nervousness, or just the low-level kind of nerves that comes with anything new, or it can just be about needing a bit of time to learn how best we fit together, as really, sex with each different person is a different sexual experience.

Sometimes it can seem like everything's great, and still this can happen for no apparent reason... Bodies aren't machines, and sometimes they just do their own thing. Part of being sexually active involves understanding that our own and other people's bodies aren't always going to do exactly what we or they want them to, and feeling ok about that and knowing that we can work around that. It's ok to feel frustrated when things don't go as we want, but it's important that everyone involved can understand that it isn't anyone's fault or failure. It's also important to know that our physical sexual response, like erection, while it's certainly linked to our sexual desire, it's not a direct representation of that desire. People can get erections when they don't want them, and not get them when they do - and that doesn't mean anything about how much they want or not want the erection or how much desire they feel! It's just bodies being complex. Our sexual organs honestly don't always show the desire that we feel, and really, we need to not expect them to.

It sounds like you know that you not maintaining an erection doesn't indicate anything about how much you desire your girlfriend, but does she know that? Have you talked about this with your girlfriend? If so, how did that go?

I notice you saying that you think she might be offended, and that you feel like you're letting her down. Would you like to talk about those, and where you think they're coming from?

I think it's important to remember, too, that "sex" involves way more things than intercourse. For sure, it can be frustrating when we can't do a particular thing that we want to do; but as far as having sex is concerned, we have way more possible options than intercourse. Do you and your girlfriend have and enjoy other kinds of sex? I wonder if you're currently categorising them in "foreplay". We get to categorise things how we like, but it might help to think that for a good number of people, sex that isn't intercourse is "proper", satisfying sex. I'm mentioning that because I'm wondering if it might be helpful, just for now, with your girlfriend, to take a step back from intercourse and just enjoy having other kinds of sex. That might help to break you out of any developing pattern about worrying about erection, and just have the two of you being comfortable, relaxed and having fun together.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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CharlieJohnson
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Thanks for the reply, Redskies. [Smile]

First let me say that I think you may be onto something. lol It does seem like a good idea to maybe explore each other's bodies in other ways a bit first to really give me a sense of "belonging" there and being comfortable and less anxious/nervous. I mean, I'm very attracted to her in every way(physically/emotionally) and she's honestly so beautiful in my eyes that I feel like I'm with a model or something. So I do kind of have doubts and sometimes feel like "why is she with me??".

We did talk about fingering her and she mentioned oral on me, so that could maybe be something we try next. Thanks. [Smile]

I did tell her how my erection fading isn't her fault, and that I want her badly. I think she believes me but I still feel like she has some doubt. She's never experienced this with any of her exs before.

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Redskies
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Happy if I can be a bit helpful [Smile]

I think it's great that you're so into your girlfriend. As for "why is she with me?", the short answer is, because she chooses to be. I know it can be a little overwhelming when someone we think is so awesome likes us back, but really, sometimes we just get lucky that way, and we can probably just figure that they're competent enough to make their own decision that we're someone they want to be with.

Exploring different kinds of sex, at a pace you both feel comfortable with, sounds like a good plan. And I guess you know, and I hope your girlfriend knows too, that even if a guy doesn't have an erection, he can still be totally into and enjoying all different kinds of sex. I also think that you and your girlfriend can even use this as a kind of opportunity, a way to really discover what you each like and how you like to be sexual together without almost "automatically" jumping into the kinds of sex that most people think of straight away.

Do you think it might help to share with your girlfriend that you're a bit nervous because you think she's so great?

It's good that you could talk about it with your girlfriend. Not everyone has experienced everything before, so like anything else, this will simply be a bit of a learning experience for her. Maybe none of her previous partners had worries about being good enough for her, for a start. I wonder, if she does have any doubt, if that might possibly be from the impression that young women can sometimes get of young men and sex. Sometimes, young women can get the message (from the world around us) that young men are rather more like sex machines than they are human beings with sexual foibles and off-days just like any other human being. Sometimes, that can mean that a young woman is a bit baffled at first when she finds that a guy is really simply very human where sex is concerned, and some young women can think that maybe it's something to do with Them, that they're not attractive enough, or the guy isn't into them enough, or they're not doing something right for him that they "should" be doing.

Obviously, I can't know what your girlfriend's thinking; but I'm wondering, if it's possible that you're both feeling insecure around this, whether it might be helpful to talk openly about that.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1443 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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