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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » How do I deal with troubles reaching orgasm naturally and skyrocketing libido??

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Author Topic: How do I deal with troubles reaching orgasm naturally and skyrocketing libido??
Member # 96172

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Since I discovered masturbation at the age of four I've always liked doing it and couldn't get enough of it. Doing it at least once every day before I go to bed is normal for me--it's the only thing that helps me sleep besides having my girlfriend in bed next to me. I don't go any more than three days without getting myself off, and I have a record of 15 rounds in one day. The trouble is, I have never ever been able to reach orgasm without an extremely powerful vibrator (I have to use back massagers), from what I know I can't with a partner (I'm lesbian, but my male best friend and I like to experiment with things other than intercourse of any kind. I've only been able to get physical pleasuring from him that isn't all that great, nothing emotional ever occurs for me since I like women, he never even gets close to getting me to climax.), and I have to concentrate extremely hard to make it happen. Sometimes I have to go so hard on myself with the vibrator that I'll actually end up skinning myself down there, even with a towel layered for padding.
So my first topic of questions: Is this normal for me to need extreme stimulation to reach my climax? Do I just have low sensitivity levels? And is there anything I can do to make it easier for me?

Secondly, I have the highest sex-drive of any woman I've seen so far. I'm almost 15, and in the past six months I've slept with three different partners (girl, my guy best friend, girl). Since I discovered back massagers at 10, my libido has been through the roof 24/7 and there is nothing I've found that can help to reduce it besides sleeping with women. I've tried waiting it out, but it takes me over a week to get it to lessen even just a little. My counsellor thinks it's a premature sign of sex addiction, but to me, my guy friend, and my [gender, sexuality, and womens' studies majored feminist] cousin think I just have a very high drive for a woman since I can still control it more than a lot of guys.
So my second series of questions is: Does this mean I'm probably a sex addict? Since waiting out my peak points doesn't work for me, is there something I can do besides get into serious self-pleasuring instead of sleeping with women to lessen it? And what do I do if there is nothing that works for me to tame it?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi AndieSerenityGirl000 and welcome to Scarleteen!

Yes, there are many women who are only able to orgasm with the aid of a strong vibrator, though most typically enjoy other forms of stimulation as well, just can't orgasm from them alone. If you're rubbing yourself raw with your vibrator that's not so good, though. [Smile] Sometimes people find that taking their self-pleasuring more slowly and thoughtfully can help them get in touch with their orgasms. Incorporating other forms of stimulation, such as fantasy, erotic stories, movies, or images, or anything else they find stimulating (such as a favourite smell they find arousing). Breathing is also pretty key to sexual response. IN other words, finding relaxation is as important to arousal as excitement.

For legal reasons I can't get too much more explicit with suggestions, but this might give you some fuel for thought. You might also get some ideas and perspective from these articles.

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

You might also find it helpful to think back to what worked for you before you discovered back massagers.

As to your second set of questions, I think it's worth noting that this notion of people having addictions to sex is a pretty hotly contested notion. There are professionals--educators, researchers, therapists, doctors, etc--who firmly believe in it, and those who think that being addicted to sex just isn't possible. The objections to sex addiction also are rooted in concerns that those who embrace the notion of sex addiction are making judgements about what kinds of sex and how much sex is acceptable. IN other words, the label of sex addict can be used to pass judgement on people who don't fit a professional's opinion of what's normal, or to punish those who practice alternative sexualities. I personally don't have the professional training to make an evaluation either way but I thought you should know about the controversies out there.

Someone else asked a question about sex addiction here, and this is a link to the answer they were given. It's a little more eloquent than I am feeling at the moment. [Smile]

I've given you a lot here. Any thoughts or ideas spring up for you from these articles?

Oh, and can I just say how marvelous it is that you are comfortable discussing your sexuality with your cousin?! [Smile]


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I had a few thoughts extra to Robin on the sex addiction/compulsion/whatever-we-want-to-call-it thing.

I think it might be helpful to think about this a little outside of any labels. I think that, pretty much like any other kind of behaviour on the planet, it's certainly possible to use sex and sexual behaviour in an unhealthy way, and like any other behaviour, there will be a few people who do that. So maybe it's more helpful to think in terms of healthy/unhealthy behaviour?

So, what kinds of sexual behaviour would be unhealthy behaviour? I might suggest things like:
-feeling like we just Have to have partnered sex so much that we'll accept a partner without concern for whether this is a suitable or compatible partner for us, or whether we actually have sexual desire for that partner
-taking deliberate risks with our own or other people's health
-engaging in sexual behaviour in ways or places that are likely to have very negative consequences (for example, very publicly in a place where that is illegal, or at work where that might get us fired)
-repeatedly engaging in a behaviour that we don't feel good about afterwards, or that we think less of ourselves for
-engaging in a behaviour to try to make us feel better about something else or help us forget/escape from something else (to the extent that we do not then address/deal with the "something else")
-engaging in sex specifically to try to make ourselves feel loved or valued, or feeling that our only or greatest value comes from sex, the number of partners we've had, or our ability to please them
-engaging in or thinking about any behaviour to the extent where it interferes with us being able to do other things that are essential to our lives, or things that are important to us or that we want to achieve.

I don't think that simply wanting a lot of sex (including solo sex), or wanting it often, or Really wanting it, are problems in themselves or anything unhealthy. I think, too, that a number like "3 partners in 6 months" - well, it totally depends on what you're comparing it to as to whether that or any number is high or not. For example, for someone who's coming from a place of, say, believing that sex is exclusively for within marriage and that marriage is for life, that number might well seem quite high, and understandably so. For a different person who was comfortable engaging in frequent one-off casual sex, that number might seem pretty unremarkable. Personally, I don't think that numbers are important. I think that what's important is the way in which we engage in sex: is it consensual, do we feel good about it before, during and after, are we looking after our own and other's health, is it something that we genuinely really want to do, are we fully present and engaged in the activity?

I think there's also an issue of women's sexual desire, and how that's often been and still is denied or reduced. As far as I know, there aren't any sound studies or evidence that say that women have less desire or drive than men do. So, if anyone suggests that someone's high libido is unusual partly because that person is a woman, or wouldn't think that it was so unusual if it was a man's, then I think that's off-base.

As with any other kind of sex or sexual behaviour, masturbation varies greatly, but I don't think that it's particularly unusual for someone to masturbate every day. I think the important questions about masturbation aren't about frequency, or how long, or how, but rather: is it something that you feel comfortable doing, want to do, feel comfortable about afterwards? Beyond those questions, there would only be the suggestion of a problem if you felt that masturbating, or the desire to masturbate, was interfering with other things you wanted or needed to do in your life.

Just to clarify something: you said the only thing that helped was sleeping with women. Are you meaning that masturbating Hasn't helped, or were you not including masturbating?

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 96172

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to the above 9:53 PM reply post:

masturbating has never been an issue for me. I try to be as feminist as possible at my young age, but I've still been led to believe that women have lower drives-- now it oh-so-suddenly appeared in front of me that we just don't openly express it because, duh, we're on the bottom of the chain compared to/to a lot of men, and that makes us whores!!! [Big Grin] (*puke*!!!!!!) Also, we lack testosterone drives. Anyways.....

I've never felt bad about masturbating. It's always something that felt good, it wasn't hurting me (maybe a little bit physically...) or anybody else, I enjoy it a lot.......what's to be bad about it?? So I've never had a guilt issue or a problem with feeling alright about it.

I believe in premarital sex and I see it as a perfectly normal thing, even with the same sex. I mean, c'mon. Sea mammals have to have more than one partner in there time of being, they don't have to get married to have sex, and they sometimes do it with the same sex [Razz] I think our beliefs on it are a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. Even after sleeping with a male, sex didn't and doesn't make me feel any better or worse. Ok....maybe a bit higher just because it does that to you: the who thing where you feel pretty good about yourself after because of the mood boost. But even though I view it this way, my number of partners worries me sometimes:

the two women I've slept with were both one-night stands. The first one (I can promise you I gave her the verbal message of "if you want me to stop, you tell me. if it hurts you, you tell me. if you just don't like it, tell me.") was threatening me indirectly with the high possibility of her crying rape. I'm not an intimidating person unless they've upset me, I never applied any physical force. The second one just turned out to be toying with me, even after 3 months of talking with her about it [Frown]

When people ask me about these as rumors, I hate hiding things, so I don't really deny it but won't give them a solid yes.This is where I got my oddball lesbian promiscuity reputation among my peers (probably because most of them have never really done much sexually beyond masturbating, let alone with someone of the same sex.) After the first girl, I've always, ALWAYS paid attention to the body language of the girls I'm around intimately in any way, and what my instincts read seem to be right almost always.

As far as my libido goes though, yes, I did say the only thing that helps is sleeping with women. By this I did mean that masturbating doesn't help me at all. If it did, I wouldn't be having these issues because of how much I masturbate [Razz]

Thanks to you both for helping me out on this!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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