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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Boyfriend, porn and real life

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Author Topic: Boyfriend, porn and real life
Kate 8_8
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Hello,
I'm in a relationship with a great boyfriend. We've kwown each other for two years, and having sex for almost a year. I can say that I'm quite comfortable with myself, him, and the sex, and I'm finding it enjoyable. I know that my boyfriend has watched porn before me and a little while being together. He's been honest about it and it has never been a problem. I haven't seen much porn before myself, just magazines and a little on the web, but I've become curious about it, especially what he likes and we've watched some of his together.

I'm quite surprise by what I've seen, for two reasons. First of all, it's not as bad as I feared it could be, nothing rough or degrading, maybe he just has a good taste in what he has kept. At the same time, he does have quite a few favourite, um, areas that he loves watching. He hasn't ask me to try them before, but when I talked to him about, he explained that he does like seeing them, but he's unsure if it's something that would feel appropriate in a relationship. Some time later he also admitted that he has fantasized about some of the acts with me. I think I can understand it a little, he's very sweet, but I'm also quite eager to please him by now.

I think what I'm asking for, is it a bad idea to try things he loves seeing in porn in real life? I think we're both a little afraid of what might happen if he likes them and I don't? How will he look at me after I've done things he's fantasized about in porn? Will he still respect me the same? Will he compare me to porn? Will I compare myself to it?

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CSandSourpatch
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I think, as with anything new that you and your partner might want to try, if you're both truly comfortable with trying it (and absolutely okay with stopping if either one of you starts not feeling so good about it), then there's no problem in trying out something you have seen/read about/imagined. People certainly get inspiration from all over the place, and porn is, from what I've heard, no exception.

As to what the future holds, how your boyfriend will look at you, or how you will look at yourself, nobody can tell you that for sure. From how you describe him, he seems like he'll be just fine not including these acts in your relationship if you decide they're not for you, and he won't think any less of you. It sounds like you two have clear communication with each other, so, honestly (and without this conversation necessarily following or directly preceding any sexual acts), I would inform him of your concerns, and listen to what he has to say.

Know, too, that porn is fantasy, and comparing yourself to someone whose living is made by being ready to get it on (and remarkably skilled at doing so) at any time is like comparing apples to cucumbers: they're both plants (just as you and porn actors are human), but they're different and, in most people's view, great for many different (and some similar) reasons. Honestly, I fantasize about having a million-dollar waterfront mansion in a place where the seasons are perfect, and while that isn't likely to happen, it's still fun to think about. [Razz] BUT, I will appreciate the house I wind up with for its own merits all the same. The point here is that porn is (at least, by and large, I think) a masturbatory aid, and you are a real girlfriend who is involved in a solid relationship that (correct me if I'm wrong) is not just about the sex--kinda hard to compare the two.

As for my own experiences, I've certainly questioned myself and my ability to pleasure my partner before (for much the same reasons), but I've received nothing but assurance that I won't be forced into something I'm uncomfortable with, and there's a difference between porn and real life, and, well, real life is just peachy, so there's no need to compare. (In short, I'm still very well respected both as a person and as a girlfriend.)

I hope this gives you some insight and encouragement. [Smile]

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Robin Lee
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Hi Kate and welcome to Scarleteen!


CSandSourpatch is spot on here. Porn is fantasy. It helps to remember that the people in porn are, indeed, actors. They train themselves to do things that most of us just don't have the experience, endurance, and sometimes desire to do. That said, there's nothing wrong with getting inspiration from porn.

Let me ask you this: How would you feel about trying something new sexually that you found out about from something other than porn? Do you think you'd feel differently about it?

You wonder what would happen if your boyfriend liked these new activities and you did not. You know, there's just as much likelihood that neither of you will enjoy them, or that your boyfriend won't enjoy them and you wil...or, really, that you both could enjoy them. For your boyfriend, what works in fantasy might not work in real life.

Can you talk a little about why you think your boyfriend might view you differently?

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Robin

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heero222
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quote:
Originally posted by Kate 8_8:
Hello,
I think what I'm asking for, is it a bad idea to try things he loves seeing in porn in real life? I think we're both a little afraid of what might happen if he likes them and I don't? How will he look at me after I've done things he's fantasized about in porn? Will he still respect me the same? Will he compare me to porn? Will I compare myself to it?

No, it is not a bad idea to try things you see in porn. If he is as great as you say he is then he'll accept that you don't like the new things or you may find that you like the new things and he doesn't and so you may have to respect that he doesn't like actually doing those things even if he may still enjoy fantasizing about them. How he and you react depends on your own perceptions. How do you think you would react if the situation were reversed and he was offering to try things you had fantasized about and that he may not be entirely comfortable with but wants to do in order to please you? If I was him I'd respect you even more then before for being willing to try things that you are nervous about and it would make me think more of you for wanting to please me so much. I'd likely try to reciprocate and do the same for you given the opportunity. As for him and you comparing yourself to porn. Well, it is not really a realistic comparison to make. They are actors and their behavior is often exxagerated or downright faked. That being said, both of you probably will make comparisons. Comparisons are our way of figuring out why things worked in one situation but not in another. Ever had a time with him that was really great but then another that was so-so? I'll bet you compared the two and tried to figure out what was different that caused things to be good the one time but not the other time. I imagine both of you will do the same with porn even though comparing your reactions to that of someone being paid to fake it really isn't the best comparison to make.

Basically, you just need to communicate your concerns before hand with him and if after talking you still want to try the new things then give them a try.

The most important thing though is to relax and have fun. Neither of you will enjoy it much if you are both stressed out about what each others reactions will be afterward.

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Kate 8_8
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Thank you for the replies, that was quick and I'm more at ease after reading them.

I think the main issue is that I consider myself to be a sweet girl, and so does he. I find that giving oral to him is a very bold thing to do and it took me a while to even tell him that I quite enjoy doing it. Now, the things he would like to try seem very open-minded to me, I don't want to use the words slutty or dirty, but I may think of them that way. I'm technically willing to try them with him, but I'm scared of how he might look at me afterwards. I know he's told me he won't think of me badly in any way, on the contrary and I trust him, I guess I need to be more confident myself.

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MusicNerd
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Words like "slutty" or "dirty" tend to be sex-negative and sexist ways of viewing ourselves. I'm not saying that that's what you were intentionally going for (not at all!), but it's just something to keep in mind in terms of thinking about what messages society's ingrained in us as women. We've gotten conflicting messages about female sexuality from the world around us that go something like this here. Have you noticed that men who engage in consensual sexual activities are not viewed in the same negative light?

Think about it this way: if you want to pleasure your boyfriend, he wants you to pleasure him too and you yourself also gain pleasure (either from what he does to you, or from what you do to him, or both), then how can that be a bad thing?

You can still be a good or "sweet" person if you engage in sexual activities (whether it's a one-night stand, a committed relationship or any other scenario in between), just like you can be a bad or evil person if you don't. I plan on engaging in casual sex in college, but that doesn't mean that I'm a "bad" person for it. What we choose to consent to has no bearing on our character; it's just that society has told women that we are bad if we engage in sexual activities (and also that we're "prudes" or "frigid" if we refuse to have sex with someone. go figure!).

It seems like your boyfriend has been straight-forward with you about how he'll still think fondly of you when you do these sexual things together, so you should take his word for it. [Smile] And honestly, in my own personal opinion, anyone who would think negatively of me for doing something that we both want to do is someone who wouldn't be worth my time or thought-space anyway.

[ 07-03-2012, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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MusicNerd
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Oops!
Edited Sidenote: I forgot to add that I used to think that no one would want to be my friend or have anything to do with me and that I would be slut-shamed if I chose to have casual sex when I go to college, but I've gotten some awesome advice on here that's led me to believe otherwise. [Smile]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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WesLuck
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I really like your Dr. Seuss quote MusicNerd! (An aside, was he really a Doctor? <grin>)

[ 07-04-2012, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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MusicNerd
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Thank you, WesLuck! I think it's a prety good philosophy to live by. [Smile]

Sorry to take so long to reply, I just saw your post. (Sure, why not? [Wink] )

[ 07-07-2012, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Posts: 301 | From: a galaxy far, far away... | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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