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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Communication

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Author Topic: Communication
audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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So.. heres the problems.
1) I can't for the life of me orgasm with my boyfriend. And of course he orgasms every time.
2) I feel resentment toward him even though I know he's trying very hard.
3) whenever i try to talk to my boyfriend about the situation he either ignores it, says "i don't know what to tell you at this point" or automatically assumes i wanna have sex with other people.

How can I approach the situation without hurting his feelings or making him upset?

I'm so desperate at this point... every time we have sex I wonder "well maybe this time i'll orgasm" and that has been going on for almost a year and a half... :\ it's not a rarity that i orgasm. it's never. and I get so jealous of him. He makes jokes about food being "so good its orgasmic" and I chuckle but on the inside i'm thinking "wish I knew what that was like, *******"... Sometimes I truly honestly fantasize of having sex with other people.. they are all imaginary of course and they all rock my imaginary world. i love my boyfriend but i have this bitter feeling toward anything sexual when i'm with him.

I explained this to a friend of mine and she thought it was outrageous that I haven't ever orgasmed with my boyfriend (after 2 years of dating.)
Sorry for the lengthy post.

Posts: 16 | From: TX | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Have you ever had an orgasm while masturbating, or with another partner?

When you try to talk to your boyfriend, what is it that you want to talk about specifically? About how it feels that you don't orgasm? Or about trying different things when you do have sex? Or something else?

It's very normal and natural to fantasize about other people, even while dating someone we love. [Smile]

It's also normal for different people to find different sexual activities plesurable and even orgasmic. Aside from not experiencing orgasm, do you experience pleasure when you and your boyfriend have sex?

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Robin

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Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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But you HAVE orgasmed with your boyfriend according to our last chat. You said you did with dry humping. I'm sorry to hear he's still assuming this means you want sex with other people, when what you actually want is to enjoy sex more with him... Can you give me an idea of how the conversations around this are happening?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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I HAVE experienced orgasm masterbating. My current boyfriend is my only sexual partner i've ever had. I want mostly to just be able to tell him how not orgasming makes me feel and to also give him some more tips on how I think MAYBE might help.

Wow thats cool that you remember me KatWA...kinda embarrassing though. Our conversations usually happen after sex, because sometimes he can tell i'm not ok, so he asks, and I tell him i'm fine, and then he asks again, and i say no i'm just thinking about orgasming. Then he tells me "I'm sorry I don't know what else to do" then he asks "do you want to have sex with other people?" and I say no and on and on and on....... I don't know how to have this conversation without hurting his feelings...

Sex does feel good, I enjoy it. But theres no release..no ending point..no "ahh i'm done" kind of thing. and that really frustrates me. Yes masterbating is great but I really just want to say "Hey my boyfriend who loves me so much just gave me this amazing feeling of pleasure." I think it would help our relationship and our chemistry.

I'm sorry you have to deal with me twice...I think half the reason I come to scarleteen is to rant. :\ sometimes i just really need to tell someone.

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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Oh and KatWA sorry I HAVE orgasmed with him but that was almost a year ago. ever since then I haven't...
Posts: 16 | From: TX | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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We're here to listen and support. [Smile]

What do you think about having a conversation with him when you're not both in the moment? It's usually a good idea for people to discuss problems or changes regarding their sexual relationship when they're not either about to have sex or have just had it. You could choose some quiet time when you're alone together and not likely to be interrupted.

It sounds like you already have some ideas for things to try thatmight contribute to you having an orgasm when you're together. Not all women have orgasms from sexual intercourse, and it may be that while the two of you continue to have intercourse you also incorporate other activities that will lead to your climax. Does this all make sense?

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Robin

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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Yeah that makes sense...
Ok, so... I read online somewhere that if you get the "i have to pee" feeling that you're close to orgasm and you have to just "let it out" as IF you were going to pee... When my boyfriend fingers me I always feel I have to pee every time!!!! one time I even peed ON HIM [Frown] ( it was NOT female ejaculation I checked and it was definately urine.....

is this a myth or could I actually be kind of close?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, you can rule this out very easily by just urinating before any kind of sex. If and when a bladder is empty, no one can urinate on anyone because there's not going to be any urine in there to urinate.

I'm not sure how you 'checked" at that time, but if you emptied your bladder, it's entirely possible what happened there was ejaculation, not urination.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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Well. I'm not positive that I emptied my bladder before we had sex... but it sure smelled like pee.....
and if thats an orgasm, i'm extremely disappointed.

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heero222
Activist
Member # 27731

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quote:
Originally posted by audio.repeat:
i say no i'm just thinking about orgasming. Then he tells me "I'm sorry I don't know what else to do" then he asks "do you want to have sex with other people?" and I say no and on and on and on....... I don't know how to have this conversation without hurting his feelings...

From the sounds of it he is viewing what you're saying as a critiscism or complaint and by saying he doen't know what to do he is asking you to tell him what to do.
My advice is firstly that you NOT have a conversation about this with him since such a conversation has absolutley no productive value to it whatsoever.
Second, when you're having sex give him cues to guide him. This is not to be confused with ordering him about since that would end in disaster just when he is doing something that feels good say something like "that feels good" or "keep going" or give some physical cue. I don't know about your bf but many guys do listen and look for such cues especially when their ladies have complained. Afterall many guys would consider it a wound to their ego if they're told they aren't getting the job done and make an attempt to correct the issue.
Third, relax and have fun. It is far easier to orgasm when relaxed and I'm guessing that constantly wondering whether you'll orgasm this time or not doesn't leave you very relaxed.
Fourth, good luck.

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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audio.repeat: ejaculation and orgasm are different things, and one doesn't mean another has happened.

That said; you might still be a little disappointed by some orgasms. How and orgasm feels varies; sometimes they're just like a tickle or a hiccup, sometimes their a little intense. Sometimes, they're so slight that we don't notice them at all; or barely notice them.

Why do they vary so much? Because orgasm - and sex - is something that's a brain thing, rather than a body thing - it's all to do with how we feel in the moment; how turned on and relaxed we are. One of the things that usually stop orgasm from happening is trying to have one - as that puts pressure on us, unrelaxes us, and distracts us from what we find sexually exciting.

Because it's a brain thing, it's really not about what you boyfriend does or doesn't do - it's more about how you think and feel. It really isn't that different from masturbating. I think you reach orgasm with masturbation; do I have that right?

For more on orgasm and ejaculation, check out: Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide and Squirt: On Female Ejaculation

[ 03-05-2012, 06:47 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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