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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Inconsistent/Trouble Maintaining Erection

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Author Topic: Inconsistent/Trouble Maintaining Erection
Rhizome2
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I've been having issues with a repeated problem of not being able to maintain or sometimes outright losing an erection. There are some sessions with my partner where I don't have a problem and I can maintain a decent erection without too much trouble.

However, a lot of the time I find I will have trouble maintaining an erection or am prone to losing it during the act. Sometimes I will get an erection during foreplay but will find it fades away after a while. Going to put on the condom has also been a big hurdle in that it always seems to kill my erection.

My partner has tried keeping me aroused during the process of putting on a condom but a lot of the time it does not do much help. It's been a big hamper in trying out new positions, since I can lose the erection in the process of switching. In some cases, with a "girl on top" position, I can't maintain it at all. I want my erections to last longer, any idea what the issue might be here? Or how to fix it?

Posts: 16 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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I can imagine that this is frustrating and discouraging. . Nervousness or anxiety of any kind can make sexual response even more difficult.

I have a few questions:

Have you had this difficulty in previous relationships or do you have it when you masturbate?
Are there any underlying tensions around your relationship (or even in life in general) that might make you feel anxious and less responsive?
What happens after you lose your erection? That is, do you go back to foreplay and other sexual activities or do you stop?
When you do have times where yourerection stays, is there anything you can think of that is different about them, such as in what you're doing, where you are, etc?

Here's an article to read that will give you more ideas:

ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up

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Robin

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Rhizome2
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I've had some of the same problems with previous partners. Occasionally, it appears in masturbation problems as well. It's not so much a trouble to get an erection, per se, as much as it is to keep it maintained.

The trouble in this case became apparent when we first started attempting to have sex. It was bad enough that it was making it impossible to have sex at all, since I would get too soft to penetrate. She tried giving oral sex but getting an erection out of that would mean I was incredibly close to climax and it would be impossible to take advantage of it. In the end, I saw a campus doctor who told me it was performance anxiety. He gave me a Viagra so we could at least have a successful first time and things got to be a lot better after that but the problem still has a tendency to pop up.

I feel like any major tensions in my relationship are general issues: in the past, there was a lot of school-work related stress and fatigue because we were both full-time students.

Another possible contributing factor is that we no longer have any real super secure place in order to have relations. Previously, we both attended school at the same campus and she had her own individual dormitory room we could retreat to. That's no longer true. I live with a roommate, so we risk being walked in on if we were to try and use my room. Away from school, we only really have my room at my parents house, which has sort of the same risk as well.

One other tension I can think of is that she's also occasionally mentioned about being a little anxious that I might not actually be attracted to her, since she weighs slightly more than I do.

Also, when I lose an erection, usually we tend to just stop. I'm going to guess this is a policy we need to change.

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Robin Lee
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Well, you could make it a policy. [Smile] I rather like to think of sex as a little less bureaucratic than that. But yes, it could be helpful not to have all your sexual and romantic connections hinge on whether you maintain your erection.

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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I'm also wondering how your previous partners (and your current girlfriend) reacted when you lost your erection. Has there ever been a time when it just wasn't a big deal and you and whomever you were with were able to just go on with things without worrying about whether it would come back or not?

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Robin

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Heather
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It sounds like you usually or always have female partners.

If so, it might be helpful for you -- and them -- to kind of put the shoe on the other foot here.

If and when one of your partners isn't experiencing clitoral erection anymore, does everything just stop? If you and they want to keep being sexual, should it? Or do you instead, when that happens -- and it will, just like it will for people with penises -- choose activities you both find enjoyable even when that physical response isn't going on or staying constant?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Rhizome2
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
I'm also wondering how your previous partners (and your current girlfriend) reacted when you lost your erection. Has there ever been a time when it just wasn't a big deal and you and whomever you were with were able to just go on with things without worrying about whether it would come back or not?

When it did happen with the few other girls before my current girlfriend, they took it in stride. It still felt pretty humiliating to have happened but they didn't make it out as a massive deal.

Currently, if it happens, most of the time it's not a huge deal. However, generally, if it happens we just tend to call it a night and try again some other time. There are times where she does show frustration though and then in turn I get frustrated and it kind of kills the mood entirely.

The larger thing is that it kind of puts a hamper on us trying other positions, since we tend to stick to the two we can be sure work for us, missionary and doggy. She's indicated that she wants to try different positions more and I do as well but the risk of losing an erection sort of frustrates that.

[ 02-09-2012, 01:48 AM: Message edited by: Rhizome2 ]

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Rhizome2
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
It sounds like you usually or always have female partners.

If so, it might be helpful for you -- and them -- to kind of put the shoe on the other foot here.

If and when one of your partners isn't experiencing clitoral erection anymore, does everything just stop? If you and they want to keep being sexual, should it? Or do you instead, when that happens -- and it will, just like it will for people with penises -- choose activities you both find enjoyable even when that physical response isn't going on or staying constant?

Point taken and appreciated. We'll definitely try to keep things going rather than just stopping cold. Hopefully it ought to be lead to better results.
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WesLuck
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And remember, not all kinds of sex require an erection. Just because society gives the (quite false) impression that PIV sex is the only type of sex, this is completely wrong. Also, if you try other types of sex you might find that when you *do* have PIV sex that there isn't as much pressure to maintain an erection, because you and your partner can get pleasure other ways. Erections are awfully hard to maintain the more pressure you feel you're under, so considering sex that doesn't require an erection all the time may be quite beneficial for your relationship. Anyway, all the best in your endeavours! [Smile]
Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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