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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Never get aroused, despite 'encouragement?'

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Author Topic: Never get aroused, despite 'encouragement?'
aroundthebend
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I have a boyfriend who I think is physically attractive, but whenever he puts his hands 'down' there, I get wet but it doesn't feel good. I always feel pain, or tickling, or like I have to go to the bathroom (even if I've JUST gone). I'm not even quite sure I WANT to feel anything (I don't love him yet and have a few emotional hangups), but I'd at least like to know why my body seems to react when I don't even feel anything good? Maybe I'm afraid I'll pee or something, I don't know.
Posts: 7 | From: Ohio | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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There are a few things here:
:

By "down there" I'm assuming you mean your vulva, either on the outside or inside your vagina. What do you and your boyfriend do before he puts his hands there? Do you do other things that make you feel aroused, or even good? The genital area is full of nerves that react to stimulation in all sorts of ways. Most people don't necessarily find being touched there pleasurable unless they're aroused to begin with.

I'm also wondering whether this is sexual activity you even want to do. You say you don't want to feel anything good from it because you don't love your boyfriend. Could you tell us a little more about that?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
aroundthebend
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We 'dry hump' and he's tried fingering me, and my body reacts, but I don't ever feel turned on. We usually just kiss a bit before.

I get anxious because I worry that I'll accidentally do something disgusting when he's fingering me, which might be why fingering is so uncomfortable, but I don't feel aroused when we have our clothes on either, or even when we kiss. He's a very attractive guy, so that's not the issue.

As for not loving him:

I don't love my boyfriend, because I don't trust that he likes me enough yet, and I don't want to get attached to someone who's not going to be as invested in me as I am in them. I fall hard. It's because he's not attentive- he's very compartmentalizing, and I don't know how often he really thinks about me when I'm not there. I don't know if he appreciates me, or if he takes me for granted, because he doesn't appear to work too hard to keep me. I feel like I'm dating up and that makes me feel like I have to work harder, and I kind of resent how comfortable he is in the relationship. I want him to woo me, you know? To go out of his way to make sure I'm comfortable, or even act nervous sometimes. And you can't make someone feel lucky to have you. (He's told me he feels lucky to have me, but it feels more like a nice gesture, not like he actually thinks he doesn't deserve me). I want to be doted upon and I don't feel that with him. But I don't know if I'm asking for too much.

I'm still a virgin at 21, and I'm in my first 'real' relationship. I'm aware and a realist- even though I don't have much experience, I know not to believe in fairy tales. I don't want to try to find something in what we have that doesn't exist.

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Robin Lee
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You know, all of these doubts and uncertainties you're expressing could be a big part of why you don't feel aroused. The way we feel in life in general, and with a relationship in general, can have a big impact on the way we feel sexually.
It's hard to feel relaxed, excited, at ease, etc when we don't feel complete trust or assurance. You find him physically attractive, yes, but that's not the only thing involved in sexual desire.

I'm wondering: You don't want to feel good because you don't love him. If you don't love him or particularly trust that he feels the way he says he feels about you, is being sexual with him something you *want* to do?

Can you tell me a little more about what you mean by "dating up".

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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