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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » physical relationship problems (Page 2)

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Author Topic: physical relationship problems
katie gurl
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well i haven't told him my fantasies, they usually are just like flashes in my head as i fall asleep & i get over them. but they usually don't happen to be like hardcore physical things, sometimes us just laying together naked & then him touching me but nothing like intense sex. so i haven't brought it up because i wouldn't even know how to describe the fantasies you know? they're just kinda there!
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Heather
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It sounds like you could describe them just fine!

And I also think those fantasies can give you some really good cues about things you might want AND things you don't. If some of the kinds of sex you have been having don't even enter into your fantasies, for instance, that's a pretty good cue you don't feel a desire to have those kinds of sex.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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i like small intimate things, not rough sex-which is what he likes. so i told him that & it usually works with just kissing but he still does everything rough..
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Heather
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This is very useful information!

So, if you and he life very, very different things, that needs to be worked out. Really, that can go one of two ways: either you both find something in the middle that makes you both hapy OR it may be you need to acknowledge that what you both want is just too different for you two to really be a good fit as sexual partners.

We certainly don't have to have the exact same sexualities as our sexual partners to have those relationships work, but we will tend to need a good deal of common ground. If we're just REALLY different, bridging the gap often isn't something we can do, and we tend to be better off, all of us, seeking out partners who want more similar things to what we do.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(And with you, again -- sorry, don't mean to be a broken record -- what I keep hearing is that you would probably feel a lot better with a partner where things were WAY slowed down, and you stuck mostly with things like kissing and stroking for now, until/unless you actually started feeling a strong desire for other kinds of sex.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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if i tell my boyfriend we can only kiss & stroke he'll probably go crazy...especially after over 10 months of doing other things.
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Heather
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Let's not jump to dramatic conclusions.

What if you don't think about the outcome right now, but instead aim to have a conversation, just to start, with your boyfriend where you say the kinds of things you actually feel a strong desire to do with him, and then he takes a turn doing the same. And then, you start by seeing what, if anything, you both really want to do to see if you even have enough in common to make continuing this as a sexual relationship make any kind of sense for either of you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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i'm seeing him soon so i will definitely have that conversation with him, i think it'll be a calm way because you can't tell someone that what they think is sexual is not good enough!!
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Heather
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Well, no, in part because, of course, that's not ever true (because we always have to add, "Good enough for who?" These things are always subjective: there are no absolutes like that).

What CAN be true, though, is that what they enjoy and want sexually isn't what you do.

Do you want some help having that conversation? We could certainly give you some tools that can help and some ways to talk about it which would make a productive conversation about it more likely than the way it sounds like you two have been going about this so far.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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we were together & i talked him through oral sex so it was extremely pleasurable & i climaxed so i'm happy!
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