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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » physical relationship problems (Page 1)

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Author Topic: physical relationship problems
katie gurl
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i wasn't sure if i was putting this in the right section but here it goes...recently whenever my boyfriend tries to manually to arouse me, i get no pleasure. our relationship is always kinda been that he feels he always initiates sexual things & i just kinda follow. i'm on loLoestrin-Fe & the internet tells me that it drastically decreases your sex drive. can someone please help me with finding ways to avoid this decrease in sex drive? i'm willing to really do anything..

ps-i have been on birth control even before i met him so i can't compare the effects to before & after contraception.

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katie gurl
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i recently told him that i don't exactly enjoy having things done to me because i can't be genuine in my response towards them. he got very upset at this, which is understandable, but i just want to fix it.
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whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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Hi Katie, I'm also on Loestrin Fe and haven't noticed any decrease in my sex drive, despite having being on the pill for nearly a year. The sites list common symptoms, but not everyone experiences all of them (or in the same way).

There are a lot of reasons for decreased sex drive: stress, anxiety, other extenuating circumstances. Pressure for arousal might also contribute. Think about what you like, what turns you on in general. Talk to him about it.

You mentioned that he initiates most of the time. If you're not really in the mood, then you probably won't feel particularly aroused. Do you ever want to do something, even if he doesn't start it? If you're feeling up to it, and he is, too, take charge: being in the mood should really help.

That being said, it's also possible Loestrin Fe isn't a good pill for you. You can also talk to your doctor about switching brands.

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katie gurl
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i find myself never in the mood really, maybe once a month, if that's it. i would love to initiate it, but times when i do it's always "lemme do this so he's happy" i'm not physically satisfied & i don't really seem to care. but that doesn't make him happy..but i wish that i could enjoy my physical relationship.

unfortunately, i'm pretty much stuck with loestrin Fe. i have something in my blood that makes me vulnerable to clots, so they gave me the lowest dosage of estrogen so that i am not at an even higher risk for clots...

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Heather
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It's pretty unlikely this is all about your contraceptive method: it may not be about that at all.

Let's try this: when you first started a sexual relationship with this person, what led you to that decision? Did you feel strong sexual desire for this person?

How about any changes in your solo sex life: did you notice any changes around your own sexual desires or masturbation in terms of this pill?

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katie gurl
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he's my first boyfriend so we were watching a movie in his basement & he just leaned over & kissed me hard & we started to hook up. my heart was racing like crazy, he felt me up but it felt good. i didn't ask him he just did it. whenever we are hooking up i enjoy the kissing because it's passionate & it's a nice reminder of how much we love each other. as our relationship moved on we did more sexual things by him asking, it was always him & we have gotten into this type of disagreement before. he feels like he sexually yearns for me & i just don't. but that's not true!!
it's frustrating, i don't understand it & i get really worked up & upset because he gets upset & i feel like i'm being a bad girlfriend for being anatomically wrong. he always compares us to his friends & their relationship, & i tell him that people usually don't tell the truth, or they exaggerate (something i learned on here, actually! hahah) but he says that they tell the bad things too-which i sorta doubt. but it's really annoying & frustrating. i just want to feel excited to do things with him, but i just get bored. last time we hooked up, i tried to bring back things that got me excited in the past (ie. blindfold) i was excited to blindfold him but after about 20 minutes he took the blindfold off & we went back to whatever we were doing, then he never blindfolded me so i kinda asked him to do it & it just wasn't satisfying...i don't know where i'm really going with this, i'm just rambling off because i'm really upset.

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katie gurl
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BTW i find myself very easily turned on by thought, just by simply reading something in a book i feel my vaginal muscles tensing up. i don't masturbate because i don't want to & i know if my boyfriend were to ever know, he'd feel even worse because he vowed not to masturbate when he's not with me.
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Heather
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Let's let go of phrases like "anatomically wrong" and "bad girlfriend," okay? I don't even know what "anatomically wrong" means, and whether or not someone is a good partner doesn't hinge on whether or not they feel sexual desire.

What I'm hearing sounds like this probably isn't about your pill at all. I'm hearing you say that you find some ways of being physical or sexual exciting, but not other ways. That's not unusual: everyone has preferences, and it's rare for a given person to feel a strong desire to do anything and everything sexual they could with a given partner, or to always find that what they like most and want are all the same things a partner does. Especially with a first partner, where you're only just starting to learn about what you want and how to manage and choose sexual relationships.

I still feel in the dark about your sexuality outside your boyfriend: do you not feel like you have one? Is it something you haven't yet explored at all on your own via masturbation or even sexual fantasy in your own head?

I also am hearing a lot of conflict in your relationship, and what sounds like an imbalance in terms of him always initiating, or most of the time, and also that when you initiate something you like, it sounds like he just wants to blow it off and only do what he wants. Does that sound right?

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katie gurl
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i'm not in the dark about my sexuality outside my boyfriend. i've always liked boys, so i'm not sure if that's what you mean by "in the dark". but if it's not then i'm not sure about the questions hahahaa. but i haven't explored myself because i never felt the need to.

it's usually him initiating it, then me just going along. i do tell him what feels good or not, but what i told him feels good back then doesn't feel good now. he usually doesn't blow off whatever i ask to do, he is ususally thrilled i've asked for something but then it doesn't even satisfy me so i feel dumb for asking for it.

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Heather
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So, you've never felt any desire to masturbate at all? Like, there have never been times, by yourself, that you have felt strong sexual desires?

It's not atypical for what people enjoy when it comes to sex to shift and change over time, which is one reason why partners keeping communication open when it comes to sex is so important.

A big reason why you may not be feeling satisfied when you ask for something you're curious about may come down to not feeling strong desire for it sexually. If we just don't feel that, then we're not likely to get very aroused and respond in the ways you're expecting to.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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my boyfriend asks me this question all the time, & the answer is no. i just don't ever feel "horny" or anything. it's just never come across my mind that i've wanted to touch myself.

so it's normal for something to feel good & then not? is it normal for it to feel good sometimes & sometimes not?

can you please elaborate on: A big reason why you may not be feeling satisfied when you ask for something you're curious about may come down to not feeling strong desire for it sexually.

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Heather
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Have you ever eaten when you're just really not hungry? If so, know how hen you do that, food doesn't taste half as good as it does when you are really hungry? Or how it might even feel gross to be eating at all? Sex is a whole lot like that. Does that make more sense of that sentence to you?

What I'm hearing is that you just may not be at the point of your sexual development yet where genital sex is what you really want. That will probably change over time, and is a lot more likely to if you're not engaging in sex you do not feel a desire for save to try and make someone else happy or to get them to stop nagging you.

In other words, my sense with all you have posted so far is that this probably isn't about your pill. What it seems more likely to be about is you moving too fast into a sexual relationship: before you even felt sexual desires on your own, explored your sexuality by yourself at all, and before you felt the strong desire to be sexual in certain ways with this boyfriend. It seems like you went into the sex you have because it was something HE felt the desire for and that he wants, and something you only or mostly want, with some kinds of sex anyway, so that you can give him what he wants. That's not the same as you feeling your own sexual desires.

But yes, it's also normal for things to feel good sometimes and not other times, mostly because this isn't just about physics, How you feel emotionally is a HUGE part of this, and that very much includes if you even really want to be doing whatever you are. If you don't, it is highly unlikely to feel good. If you feel stressed or pressured, etc., it's not very likely to feel good. If you are doing what you are, or in the way you are, based only or mostly on what someone else wants, it's not likely to feel good.

Long story short? It sounds to me like this just moved WAY too fast for your own pace, far ahead of where you actually are per your own sexuality and desires.

[ 01-02-2012, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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i didn't think i was moving too fast, but thank you so much!
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katie gurl
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i was the one who asked about sex first, but it was because i thought that would be the best way for me to express my feelings physically...does that make sense? i don't feel like manual/oral sex really prove that except by making the other person happy. but i thought sex really expressed love.
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Heather
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Well, do you want to talk about that more? Maybe with some help identifying what WOULD feel like a sex life that's more in alignment with your pace and your desires, not led mostly or wholly by someone else's?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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yes i would like to talk about that because i'm a bit confused with the whole "moving too fast for yourself"!! haha
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Heather
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Sure. So, let's try this.

Can you think of one time recently when you engaged in anything you'd consider to be sex with your boyfriend and it felt like what you were doing was what YOU wanted? Where you took the lead, and where you didn't do anything that you didn't feel, in your mind and body, a strong desire for?

If not recently, ever?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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When we move at a good pace for ourselves, things feel good. When we move too fast (or too slow for that matter) they don't feel good. This can apply to a lot of things in our lives, but especially sex whih involves physical feelings, emotional feelings, attraction to our partner, and so much more.

The goal here is for you to feel comfortable with your sex life, and to do that it might help you to figure out what you want your sex life to look like. One thing to consider is that it's okay to decrease the intensity. If what you're doing sexually now doesn't feel good for you, there's no reason for you to continue doing it. There's nothing wrong with you that you just have to "fix" to make it work. A lot of people think that once they do certain sexual activities they can't stop doing it; like these activities are goals that hagve to be met. They're not; the goal is feeling good.

So, one thing you could think about is what kind of things do you do that make you feel good, both on your own and with your boyfriend. Feeling good doesn't have to mean feeling ecstatic, but feeling arousal, or enjoyment, or whatever feeling good means to you.

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Robin

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katie gurl
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well, as you've helped me in earlier posts, we're still unable to have sex because of the tight vaginal muscles i have, so we were hooking up last week & i asked for oral sex & it actually felt good at first & i asked him to lightly nibble on the clitoris &it felt good. he kept teasing me during that & i felt really giddy & i was squeezing my legs around his neck harder & i was jumpy. that was the only time during our hour long hookup that i was happy & it only lasted about 5 minutes.
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katie gurl
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whenever we hook up i always have a very strong desire for something, but whenever he does it-it just doesn't feel good. when i told him that i really don't like to do anything because i have to pretend he's doing well not to hurt his feelings in the moment, he got mad at me. it's not my fault, i want to be satisfied too!!
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Heather
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I'm not sure what you mean by "tight vaginal muscles." Explain?

Okay! So you've identified something that felt good to you, that felt like the right pace to you -- after all, you were the one who asked for it. It sounds like after that, though -- or maybe before? -- you then did things where you didn't feel happy. Can you fill me in on why you did those things it sounds like you didn't want to do or know you don't enjoy?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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"tight vaginal muscles" we tried to have sex but his penis didn't fit into my vaginal & penetration was so incredibly painful.

okay well my boyfriend fingered me before oral sex, & it basically just felt like there was a finger inside of me, it didn't feel good, it didn't feel bad, it just felt like he had his finger in there which is what he was doing. we've tried before to find a spot (or i guess, gspot) & we've really only found it once. everytime after that my genital area dries out & the rough skin to skin contact hurts & i just tell him to stop.

whenever i do things for him, it makes me really happy! plus, when i imagine he & i alone, i get excited with thoughts but when we're together i can never go through with them or they just don't seem as good as they were in my head.

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Heather
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So, muscles aren't a static thing where they are "tight" or "loose." The muscles of and around the vagina and vaginal opening, instead, will tend to be less flexible when someone is not sexually aroused and/or does not want to be having the kind of sex they're trying to have. Given all you have said here so far, it doesn't sound likely that the times you have tried you have been highly aroused and also feeling strong desire for intercourse, so it's unsurprising that those muscles didn't relax for that. Make sense?

So, when he had his finger in there, did you tell him it didn't feel so great and ask for what you thought might feel good? Is he open to that kind of communication and negotiation? Does he have a good attitude about it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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yes i had another topic for that & i got the same answer that i wasn't aroused enough &then we established how i'd know if i aroused. i really wanted to have sex, i think i was stressed & nervous because it was the second time we were going to try.

when he had his finger in there we were kissing so i just shook my head & he got upset because i tend to do that a lot & he gets upset because he doesn't get to please me as much as he used to because it doesn't feel good. so then i asked for oral & that felt good, when i asked him to nibble on my clitoris it felt good as well, but like i said it only lasted for a little bit until my clitoris filled up with blood & became extremely sensitive to touch.

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Heather
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So, do you think it's possible that some of the issues here may be about having a partner who has some readiness gaps himself? In other words, being able to be okay and not take it super-personally when something we're doing or want to doesn't feel great for our sexual partners, and they ask to change things up? That's a thing we need to be ready for to have healthy sexual lives with partners that feel good for everyone.

It also sounds to me like he might be looking for a level of self-validation in sex with you that isn't sound. That's way too much, in a word.

It also sounds like you are having a hard time saying some of these things out loud, like shaking your head instead of saying "Hey, that isn't feeling so awesome for me, could we maybe try this instead?"

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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yeah that could be some of the problem. i told him that he's being selfish but he's super dramatic so i'm letting him just cool off for the day.

what do you mean a "self-validation in sex with you that isn't sound."?

& no i don't have a problem saying them out loud, but we were kissing so in the midst of kissing i moved my head so we didn't have to stop kissing!

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Heather
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Well, I think that leading a conversation with loaded words like selfish probably isn't likely to result in a productive conversation. I think we could come up with some ways to talk about this together that would be much more likely to be productive.

I mean that it sounds like you liking what he does is something he feels is about him: is about if he's good at sex or not, or a good boyfriend or not, or a good man or not, what have you. When really, what feels good for you should have much more to do with you, and being all of those "good" things isn't really about if you like his finger in your vagina. It's more about if he communicates with you, seeks out what you like and steps away from things you don't, if he does handle it well when you don't want to do something or find something doesn't feel good. Know what I mean?

For instance -- and who knows if you're good at this yourself -- if you have your hands on his penis and he asks you to adjust something, or says that doesn't feel good but something else would, how do YOU react?

I think that communication is so important that you move your head and stop kissing for a sec to do it. Shaking your head, after all, clearly communicates to him something is the matter regardless, but just not very well. Using words tends to accomplish this a lot better.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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yeah i think he thinks that it is self-validation because most of his friends have successful sex lives but he doesn't know the half of it. he just gets moody & i think he takes out & he blames his sexual frustration but i don't want to be hooking up with him every single time we are together.

he always asks me to adjust things, usually during oral sex he asks for me to do things differently & i do not have a care in the world. but i feel that when i ask him, he does it, but i'm still not satisfied. could i possibly be that i'm his first girlfriend & he's doing it wrong? i think oral/manual sex on a girl is a lot more complicated than it is on a guy, right?

& yes i do understand that i should use words because shaking my head makes it seem like he's doing something bad, not that i'm just not being pleased with whatever he is doing. i understand the difference.

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Heather
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Well, or what he's hearing from his friends is about how sex they have with their partners is mostly or only about them. In other words how great THEY are at sex, not what wonderful experiences they are sharing with someone.

But it also may be that he's not at a point yet with his own emotional development where he has the kind of self-esteem and confidence to have it NOT be about him and a way he's looking to validate. And if you're the first person he has been with, he probably feels pretty lost and insecure.

With ANY new partner, be they our 1st or 31st, we are ALL new learners. In other words, no one just comes to a new partner and can know what works for them because of what worked with another partner. What previous partnerships usually give us most is just a level of comfort in that learning process and communication skills (or not, depending on how those partnerships went). We all have very different sexualities and bodies and relationships, so previous partners don't tell us how to do sex "right" per what feels good for someone else: after all, none of any previous partners were our current partner. Do you follow me?

Again, though, it sounds to me like you're expecting things to feel awesome physically just because of what he does, and even when you're not feeling a strong desire to be sexual even all by yourself. Desire really has to come first: when that's there is when things can feel good. Without it, they tend to hurt or just feel like nothing.

You also mention that he feels sexually frustrated because every time you are together, he wants sex. For starters, his own masturbation can take care of sexual frustration. A partner isn't there for that, they are there for us to share something sexual, not just get our rocks off. They're a person, after all, not a sex toy.

Too, most couples don't have sex every time they're together. That's because most couple's have sex as part of their relationship, not all of it.

Once more, it really sounds to me like BOTH of you, now, might be moving too fast. Like you could really benefit from slowing things WAY, way down, including you spending time with your own sexuality and not doing ANYTHING sexual, alone or with him, when you do not feel a STRONG desire, of your own, to be sexual, not just to please or satisfy him. That can be part of our sexual desire, but that's not all of it. For it to really be all there, a good deal of it has to be coming from us first, not just reacting to a partner's desire.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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i'm also a little confused about this, i'm not sure if you answered this already, though:

plus, when i imagine he & i alone, i get excited with thoughts but when we're together i can never go through with them or they just don't seem as good as they were in my head.

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Heather
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When you imagine the two of you alone and your sexual thoughts feel exciting to you, have you ever THEN explored masturbation at all?

Fantasies in our heads are just that: we're not usually going to find reality meets what they set up. So, that's not a realistic expectation. But fantasies in our heads are certainly things we can use to benefit our sexuality and explore it.

So, masturbation is one thing to seriously consider. But we can also use them in other ways to help here: like, when you imagine things, are they the things you two then try? And if and when you do, are you coming to those things feeling as excited as you did when you imagined them?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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katie gurl
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no when we actually try them they're nothing even close...
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Heather
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In terms of....?

When you say they are nothing close, are you saying you are doing the same physical things in your head, with similar emotional/communication dynamics as you imagined, too, and they either a) don't feel like you imagined they would and/or b) don't go like they did in your head in terms of dynamics (how you two are each behaving in those scenarios)?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie gurl
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well sometimes i imagine things & then i try to reproduce them & he just doesn't go along with what i imagined, which is understandable because it's in my head. but it's mostly that i imagine such satisfaction in my head, but when it comes down to it i'm barely getting any.
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Heather
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So, nothing you have imagined and suggested to him is something he's also interested in exploring and trying?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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