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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Failed Him

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Author Topic: Failed Him
Alergnon
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I did a sexual thing in the past with this guy. He then posted something on my wall, about "doggystyle- correct position Not like this" photo* had a picture of it and everything. Well, I felt like I had failed him because I didn't do it right and it hurt and I said it hurts and that. He stopped. Why did it hurt? and Why do you think he posted it on my wall about it? I just feel like a failure.

Thank You,
Alergnon [Frown]

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Kachina
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I think I'm not fully understanding what happened here. Are you saying someone posted a picture online of you without your permission that they took while you two were having sex?

As to why it hurt, he could have been too rough, or you were not aroused enough, or you didn't use lube.

You being in pain does not make you a failure in any way! Being in pain just means something was happening to your body that was harming you, that is what pain is for - to signal to you that you are being injured.

What do you feel you failed at?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Alergnon
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I mean there was a picture cartoon picture of it and the saying. Not a picture of we had sex.

I just feel I failed him like he couldn't finish because he had to stop. I guess he finished because he took off the condom and he ejaculated in my mouth. Then he sat there not looking at me. That is when I felt like I had failed him.

Alergnon

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm going to assume that you chose to have sex with this person with the assumption or given you were both seeking out mutual pleasure, not with the idea that you were there to provide a sexual service for him.

Do I have that right?

If so, sounds to me like you two just had crummy sex. It didn't feel good for you in one respect, there wasn't -- from the sounds of it -- any real communication, and he wasn't really engaging with you at all, to the point of not even making eye contact. To boot, if his way of communicating about this is to post things on your FB wall like that, it sounds to me like you hooked up with someone who was just a jerk.

Does any or all of that square with your perception? Not knowing who this person is or what your relationship with them was, how you got to engaging in having sex together, etc. it's tough to figure out much more.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yes. It was mutual sex. He calls me his little whore. It's been about a month since we've done anything sexual. It wasn't service, not paid.

I felt horrible for not having him look at me after. He didn't sit like I did on his couch.

I kinda knew this person. In the past I've slept with or done sexual things with, knowing them or not knowing them at all. I know I should be careful because of STI's and all that. I do have a doctors appointment to see what's going on with me.

If he asks me for more sexual things I'm bound to say yes, because I'm trying to fill this void inside of me. This void I'm getting help with through counseling. Like where this void is at.

Alergnon

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Heather
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Do you like that he calls you his little whore? In other words, is this a role that you feel good about and want?

Not making judgments there, just trying to suss out of what this person seems to be offering per a dynamic and sexual behavior is actually what you want and feel good about. It sure doesn't sound like it, because I agree, it does sound like he was treating you more like a sexual service provider -- or like a lot of people view/treat sex workers -- and like that isn't something that's making you feel good.

Obviously, mind, from your last sentence, you're having some big issues around sex in terms of motives that don't tend to be healthy or result in healthy sexual interactions. It sounds like being involved with this person further probably isn't so sound for you, regardless.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yes, like I sometimes feel like a sex toy to him. I wish I had a boyfriend who treated me with respect and loyalty but where can I find someone like that. I like older men, at least 5 years older than I am and he is over 5 years older than I am.

It's just a thing I like about guys their mature and better fit. I don't want to date the same grade as me or someone that is that same age as I am, I want someone at least a year older than I am or 5 years older.

I've been through so much so that is why I don't value my body anymore. I don't really care about it. Like, I want to treat my body with respect and I should but I don't.

Alergnon

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Heather
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I hear you saying that you want a sexual partner who clearly isn't at all like this person. And that probably isn't about age: someone five years older than you isn't going to treat you this way just because they are older. In other words, I'm betting this person's age has nothing to do with his behaviour and the dynamics between you. And the idea that this person has more maturity to offer because they're older sounds pretty whack to me.

You say you want to treat your body and yourself with respect. You say you want to find someone who will treat you with respect and loyalty. So far, I'm not hearing that being involved with this person is at all in alignment to those things you want, but instead, is quite counter to them.

So, if you wanted to take one small step towards those things you want, something you could do would be to get yourself away from people who treat you like this person. You didn't "fail" this person. This sounds like a really crummy dynamic to me -- FB postings, really?!? -- that is making you feel bad and standing in the way of the things you really want.

Have you been honest with your counselor about this relationship? If so, what have they said about it and suggested?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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It sounds like you have a lot of things to work through, and that your involvement with this guy is complicating that for you, not helping you.

I totally hear what you're saying about wanting to have a boyfriend who is mature, but I'm thinking that age doesn't older doesn't always mean more mature. Do you think that this guy posting about sex on your facebook wall, rather than taking the time to talk to you about it, is a sign of maturity?

As to how you can find a boyfriend who treats you well, there's no easy answer to that, but one thing that springs to mind is to think about finding someone who is good friend material first of all...so, taking the boyfriend thing out of the equasion, what do you think are the qualities that make you a good friend.

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Robin

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Heather
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quote:
I totally hear what you're saying about wanting to have a boyfriend who is mature, but I'm thinking that age doesn't older doesn't always mean more mature. Do you think that this guy posting about sex on your facebook wall, rather than taking the time to talk to you about it, is a sign of maturity?

I think that is an incredibly important statement, there, that says a LOT about the deal here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I do want someone. I just have this thing with older guys. I haven't really talked about this issue with my counselor. I'm going to work on telling her.

I don't think it was mature for him to post it to FB at all. I think it was rude of him and very disrespectful of him doing that.

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Heather
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Again, I don't think this is about "older guys." Being older doesn't make someone behave like this.

Mind, sometimes choosing people who are older wit the idea that, itself, gives them maturity can create a blind spot. Like Robin said, the idea that if someone is older they must be more mature isn't a sound idea at all. Age -- more more to the point, life experience -- can certainly, and often does, contribute to greater maturity, but it doesn't make it so. There are plenty of younger people who have more emotional maturity than some older people. As well, sometimes -- not always, but often enough that it's sage to talk about it -- older people seek out sexual relationships with younger people because they figure YOU are less mature so they can act less mature WITH you than someone their age would tolerate. Know what I mean?

But this also is going to be about what you yourself are seeking out and tolerating, and how you're behaving in a relationship. If someone treats you in crappy ways and you put up with it and keep coming back, then it's not just about their behaviour, but about yours, too. And if and when we do that, we send a message to people like that that we're fine with them treating us that way, that we want to be treated that way. because, of course, if we didn't, we wouldn't put up with it and keep coming back from more. We'd tell them to sod off and not give them the time of day again.

I think it's really important you be honest with your counselor about all of this. If you're seeking help to change things like this, you have to talk about them, otherwise a counselor is going to be limited in how much they can help you.

So, at the very least, can you keep yourself away from this person? Do you see any sound reason not to?

I also think my friend Jaclyn's new book would be a REALLY good one for you tight now. It's a workbook to help women figure out what they do really want in sex and sexual relationships and then help them seek that out. It's quite excellent, and I think it might be just the thing for you. It's called "What You Really, Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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I'm not quite clear on one thing: Do you talk to him on an ongoing basis? I know you said you're not always sexual, but I wondered if you see him regularly. I suppose I'm asking you if you're boyfriend and girlfriend outside of the sex you have. Do you go to movies or other things like that.

I'm wondering if you can tell him what you told us, that what he did was rude and disrespectful. I think deep down you really understand what's going on here. Self-confidence is a big part of being able to stand up to other people.

I think talking to your counsellor is a great idea. You said you're going to work on telling her? Is it hard to think of how to start? I know it's tough for a lot of folks to say these things out loud to someone. Sounds a little weird, I know, but if that's something that's ahrd for you, try saying them out loud to yourself first.

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Robin

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Alergnon
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We don't talk on a regular basis just when he needs me for sexual purposes.

I may tell him about how he treated FB like a "get back" type deal to me.

I am planning on telling her about it. She made a suggestion to write a letter of how I've been feeling so I did and read it to her. It helped a lot. That is what I'm going to do when I see her.

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WesLuck
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What does your intuition say? Does he make you feel good almost all the time, or is there much of the time he makes you feel bad? Your intuition is your "gut feeling" or "gut instinct". And it is your first reaction, which a lot (or most) of the time, especially in emotional matters, is right.

[ 12-25-2011, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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Robin Lee
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The letter idea is a good one and it sounds like it's worked well in the past. When do you see your counsellor again?

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Robin

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Alergnon
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Yes, I see my counselor again.
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