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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Me and my boyfriend don't know how to have sex. We want tips on EXACTLY how to do it

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Author Topic: Me and my boyfriend don't know how to have sex. We want tips on EXACTLY how to do it
Dani461
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Hey so me and my bf had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago and it was a disater. It was his first time too. Don't worry we used birth control pills and condoms. So it took us so long to get it in and he had no idea where the hole was and I tried to guide him but it just didnt work. When it went in it hurt a lot so we only went for a minute or 2 and we tried a few times. He kept missing and he couldn't get it in most of the times and when he did it was only for a short time. He was on top and he said that when he went it he was hitting something that was like bending his penis and this happened each time. and last time we tried again and he got so frustrated because he couldn't get it in. I want to know EXACTLY how to have sex like what position etc. and also I want some tips on how to do it. Everyone makes it seem so easy but its so hard for us and we would like to experience it smoothly and it shouldn't be something that's frustrating.. If you had any experiences like this feel free to include that
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Heather
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If everyone's bodies were exactly the same and what felt good for everyone was the same, we could tell people "exactly" how to have a certain kind of sex, like intercourse.

The thing is, we're all really different, so that's just not something anyone who isn't either of you could possibly do.

Figuring this stuff out is rarely something people do on the first try, and often not even on the second, third, fourth...or so on. I'm not sure what you mean when you say it was a disaster, but what you've written just sounds a lot like a lot of people's first attempts at intercourse to me. I hear you voicing an expectation it shouldn't be like that, but that's not a realistic expectation.

One thing I'm hearing is that it sounds like you weren't as aroused as you could have been beforehand, which will almost always help with things feeling good instead of hurting, and will create more room in the vagina. If you weren't also using some lubricant, that's something else that tends to make a big difference.

If he didn't know where your vaginal opening was before this, it also sounds like you two could stand to take more time to get to know and understand each other's bodies before trying intercourse again (and that suggests that you probably did very little in terms of other kinds of genital sex for you before intercourse, which again, tends to contribute to arousal).

have you read the articles here about these things? If not, I'd be happy to make you a list you could look at together.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dani461
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I was super wet but I just would like to know what would make it easier for us to find the vaginal opening. I do have an expectation that we will not know how to do it the first couple times but he seems frustrated and like hes upset that he doesn't know how to do it so I would just like some tips and positions. I've read the first intercourse 101 but it didn't teach me anything that I didn't know already
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Heather
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Well, the very first thing you two could do is take a couple of times for him to explore your vulva and vagina somewhere where he can look with his eyes and feel with his fingers. You can also show him yourself, including showing him what feels good for you with your own hands.

Really, if we could throw some positions at people and tips beyond the obvious that we thought would work for everyone, I promise you, we would. But the reason why some of this information is very general is because what really works is people just taking the time to explore and experiment together and having patience with that. People bodies are just so very different, that that's what's needed.

And ideally, that process should actually be fun, not annoying or frustrating. It sounds to me here like the biggest issue is one or both of you feeling intercourse is something to "do right" or do "perfect," and getting frustrated about the process of experimentation that tends to be the deal for everyone, with pretty much every new sexual partner, but all the more so when no one has had any partners before.

Has he said to you that he feels upset? Have you two talked about that? Because it seems like this might be the most helpful place to start, especially since if this process is frustrating and upsetting to him, things are likely to stay that way.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dani461
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Yes he did get very upset and I talked about it with him and told him that we can't automatically learn how to do it and that we have to be patient. I will certainly take your advice about the exploring. I have a couple more questions:
1) was the thing that was bending his penis my hymen and is it normal for a guy to hit something and for it to bend?
2) Is it possible that he went into my anus or is that way furthur down?and like would I know if he did?

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Heather
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The hymen, if and when it is present, is very, very thin membrane and it's right at the vaginal opening. And if you've already been menstruating a while, and had kinds of sex like fingers in your vagina, it's only going to be partially present at best and would be no likely issue at all.

What's much more likely is just that the angle of your bodies was such that he as trying to enter your vagina with his penis at an angle where he couldn't. The vaginal canal curves upwards, and while it's really flexible, if your partner was just pushing at it without a mind about angles, then it could certainly have felt like that to him.

If he was trying to enter your anus, you'd have felt pressure around your anus. The anus is much less flexible and more delicate than the vagina, so when that happens, people very much will usually feel that. So, that's not likely what happened if you didn't feel any discomfort at all there.

Do you think he might be up to reading some things about your anatomy? I can think of a couple pieces that might help with this, if so.

When you talked with him about being patient and such -- and it sounds like you put that really well-- how did he respond to that? Did he seem to understand that? Did you saying that seem to make him feel at all better?

Can I ask how other kinds of sex are going? Do you feel like you both are enjoying exploring various kinds of sex together and patient -- and having fun -- otherwise, without this frustration?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dani461
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Yes.. I was thinking that it was because of the angling because I know that vagina is at an angle and I think it was my vagina he entered because I felt really sore there and the next day when I got my period I felt sore when I had a tampon. Before I had sex, the removal of the tampon hurt slightly but it didn't anymore.

Yes he would definately want to read articles about anatomy. I sent him an article from this website and anything that would be helpful to him and us like the anatomy would be great.

Sadly, when I talked to him he didn't feel any better. He kept saying that he was angry with himself because he didn't know how to do it and he seemed like everyone else knows how to do it perfectly the first time except him. After a while he felt better but nothing I said made him realize that we can't know how to do it right away.

We have done oral sex for him and me but the thing we do most is dry humpinng which I'm not sure if that is considered sex. Everything else with the dry humping and oral for him is great but he doesn't really know how to please me with oral and its not something I can really explain to him because I myself, am not sure where my clit is and even after seeing the diagram on this website, I always thought it was closer to the vaginal opening but it doesnt seem so and I feel more pleasure toward my vagina which is lower. nothing feels good where the clit is located which I find weird..

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Heather
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If it helps to tell him some more about this from another source, you can let him know from me that NO ONE knows how to have intercourse "perfectly" the first time with any new partner. Heck, I'd say there is no "perfectly," with this, any time, period. However, people often will SAY they figured it out right off the bat because they, like he does, feel like everyone has it happen that way, and like having a learning process with sex is uncool, or whatever. But really, that's just not it. Learning to be sexual together is part of the deal of being sexual together, and again, it's supposed to be fun. It's okay for people to not know what they're doing or to feel awkward: that's part of intimacy with another person.

As well, he doesn't have to impress ANYONE with this: this is about the two of you, and when you both understand this is a process, neither of you needs to worry about impressing each other in that respect.

It also sounds like it's possible you two might just be moving too fast here. For instance, it's really ideal if YOU learn about your own body and body parts before sharing them with someone else, and that you really take the time -- I'm talking months or even years -- to do that so that you, too, don't feel so lost about your own body.

he also doesn't have to "please" you right off the bat with things like oral: if you both want to be sexual together, it should be okay to just explore without any end goals. Do you feel like, for both of you, you both have that level of comfort, where you can just feel good freely exploring?

I think if you both slowed this all down, you'd probably feel a lot better. It sounds like you could also use some more time to just feel loss vulnerable with each other and more comfortable. Worries about performance like this tend to be bigger when people haven't built enough trust and comfort together yet. Do you know what I mean?

We can keep talking -- and he can join in too, if he'd like, and you feel comfortable with that -- but here are a couple links to also get started with:

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
Yield for Pleasure
Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

We also did a blog series with some vulva photographs, if that's something you feel comfortable looking at. You can see all the posts in that series using this tag and looking at the blog entries which have "I'll Show You Mine" as titles.

One extra thing to know about the external clitoris that might help is that when someone with one isn't very turned on it tends to be smaller, tougher to find, and often won't feel like much of anything. It's once someone gets very sexually aroused that it gets bigger and more obvious and also much more sensitive. And the external clitoris and the vagina are usually very close to each other: only the urinary opening -- which you often can't even see well: it's very, very small -- is between them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dani461
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Okay.. I will probably let him read our conversation and I don't think we're moving too fast. I feel very comfortable with him to a certain extent. Like emotionally we have a very strong connection and we are able to communicate what we want without being embarassed. But I know this is going to sound weird, the thing I'm not comfortable with him doing is staring at my vagina because I'm afraid he will find it gross and stuff because he's said that he thinks vaginas are gross and I kind of agree with him... I just don't want him to feel that way about mine. I know this is very immature but I'm seeing what you're saying about the building the trust. He has only seen me naked about 3 times and hes never gotten a good look at my vagina and vulva area because I tell him don't look. It's really embarassing.

Also I am extremely uncomfortable with exploring myself. It may seem easy to say but theres nothing I can do because when I try to put fingers in there it just doesnt work for me..Like i cant do it. I see no pleasure in it. It's just hey my fingers in there. I know it seems easy for other people but for me I can't get turned on by being by myself. I need my boyfriend to get me aroused and toys scare me. I just don't feel comfortable up there unless its a tampon. The way I masturbate is by rubbing myself against a pillow.

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable seeing the pictures. If they are of real parts then I don't want to see them but if they are drawings then that's fine.

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Heather
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The blog entries are photographs: the one other link I gave you about anatomy is only drawings.

But I'm going to be blunt: if he thinks vulvas or vaginas are "gross" and you don't feel comfortable with yours or him looking, then right there that tells you things ARE moving too fast. Because getting involved with body parts we aren't comfortable with in such an intimate way? That's moving too fast. We might not be totally comfortable at first, for sure, but being expressly UNcomfortable is something else entirely. (And no doubt: if he told you he also thinks a part of your body is gross, then you were bound to only feel more uncomfortable than you already did. The stage seems to have been really set here for an experience that wasn't positive for either of you.)

Let's not go to maturity/immaturity. Those are such loaded words, and I also don't think this is about them. This is instead about each of your comfort levels with your body. I hear you saying that, for both of you, that comfort level just isn't there at ALL yet, and that is a problem and is going to be a problem.

You express feeling embarrassed, and rarely yet even spending time naked around each other, too. So, why NOT slow things down, go back and bunch of steps, and really take the time to develop that comfort, with your own body, by yourself, and with your body with him, for both of you?

Let's try a comparison if that doesn't make sense. If I told you that I was thinking about surfing in the Atlantic Ocean tomorrow but was terrified of water, what would you say to me? Would you think my just going ahead and jumping in despite being terrified and not taking the time to gradually get more comfortable with water would be a good idea? Would be likely to be something I enjoyed at all?

[ 12-23-2011, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dani461
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Okay I see what you're saying but how should we work up to this comfort level because our ideas about the vagina being gross will never change I don't think. Just because we find it gross doesn't mean he's scared of it. It's hard to explain but he's told me about it and I understand what he means.

I just don't know how to build up the comfort level if he feels this way and I don't think his thinking will change. What do we do to build up to the level of comfort that we want?

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Heather
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Most people do not think their genitals or the genitals of people they are attracted to are gross. Some people used to at a certain phase of life, but most people absolutely outgrow that. So, I really doubt you both will always feel that way, and if either of you do feel that way years from now, then honestly, that'd be something to seek out some counseling with, especially if they are your own body parts or those of people to whom you are attracted.

I know that thinking something is gross doesn't mean being scared of it, but I hear you voicing some fears about his reactions, for starters. As well, thinking something is gross pretty much guarantees our interactions with those things are very unlikely to be positive.

So, what can you each do to get there?

Again, I'd first strongly suggest stepping way back sexually so that you two are only interacting with each other's body parts when you feel pretty darn comfortable with them already. Especialy when they are your own parts.

For you? How about first taking some more time to just look at your own vulva over the next few weeks. Maybe go ahead and do look at that blog series with the photographs, coming to it with the mindset that vulvas are NOT gross, you're just uncomfortable with them right now, and that's something you want to change.

Seeing a sexual healthcare provider could be another helpful step: they can talk with you about some of this and probably help you feel a little more comfortable. getting some more sex education might help, too, and I'm certainly willing to talk with you about why you think this, in detail, if you like. Sometimes just talking this stuff out helps a lot.

For him? he can maybe think about why he thinks vulvas as gross. Does he think his penis is gross, or that penises are? If not, maybe he can think some about why he thinks vulvas are any different. maybe he, to, can talk with a healthcare provider and get some more education. Maybe he can also think about if it's really about feeling vulvas are gross, or if it's more about feeling like he doesn't understand them or know what to do with them, which is pretty common for a young guy.

And then, with all of this, you two can take more gradual steps to being sexual together. Like maybe even just spending more time naked so you can see each other, and just cuddling, then gradually turning the lights on more and more. Maybe you can talk about how you masturbate with him and maybe even do that together. maybe before leaping to something like intercourse, you can take the time to get comfortable with him exploring your vulva or vagina with his fingers or hands first.

The point is, it sounds like you both have a long way to go here. That's okay, but trying to rush in really isn't likely to go well, and if you want to be sexual together, you likely want those experiences to be positive, which is obvious, period, but also obvious based on your post here right from the start.

Like I said, happy to keep talking if you like, even if this is talks over days, weeks or months. This is the kind of thing that tends to take people time, especially if you haven't really gotten any good education or support up until now like from family or sex ed about your genitals not being gross or something NOT to talk about.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dani461
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OKay thanks a lot. I would really like to continue this conversation and I will be needing ongoing advice because I like talking to other people about things like this. I have to go now but if I thinnk og any questions tomorrow I will ask and hope you can still be there to help. I will also try to get him to joing in on out conversation becuase I think it will help him as much as it helps me
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Heather
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You got it. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Oh! One more thing off the top of my head: I thought of a body image book that's about all parts that's really well done and I think might be a good fit for you (and your boyfriend might benefit from reading it, too). It's called "Body Drama" and is by Nancy Redd. Your local library may even have it.

here's more about it if you're interested: http://www.nancyredd.com/book/

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dani461
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Oh thanks, I will definately look into that. My boyfriend agreed to join our conversation. Most likely in a couple days when all the Christmas hype has died down
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