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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Boyfriend doesn't want manual/oral sex

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Author Topic: Boyfriend doesn't want manual/oral sex
katiebird
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I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 months. I think our physical dynamic is really good. In my relationships, I've done everything up to intercourse. In his (before ours), he's only ever kissed a girl. Since he's been with me, he's gone a little farther than that with feeling my above my clothes and having my shirt off. But we were talking last night, and even though he's never given manual/oral sex, he thinks that he eventually will give it to me. But when I asked him if he could see me doing those things to HIM, he said that he didn't, and that he didn't want me to. He also told me the last time he masturbated was about a year ago because he thinks it's too much work for the feeling - so I guess he doesn't think it feels very good.

When I asked him why he didn't want me to do those things, he didn't explain, and just said he didn't want it. Yet he wants to give me pleasure, he's said he doesn't want that from me. While it's not a problem right now, I see it as something that can be irritating for me later on - I just don't think it's fair if he does things to me, but I can't to him.

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Heather
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I don't think it's sound to think about people's sexual boundaries as being about fairness. He doesn't owe you any kind of sex he doesn't want or doesn't feel comfortable with, after all, just like you don't owe him that yourself.

I also don't think it makes too much sense to think about how this might be down the road, since who knows if it'll be an issue later on or not.

So, can we talk about how you feel about it NOW and in the near future? Are you okay being in a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't want to do these things and for whom they're off-limits right now? Can you accept those boundaries right now, or are those things things you strongly want in a sexual relationship, to the point these limitations just won't work for you?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Btw, is this this same person?

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011296/p/1.html#000000

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katiebird
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Yes, it is. And I know "fairness" isn't the way to put it, I just can't figure out another way to express how different this it for me.

Right now I feel completely fine and comfortable, I guess I'm just concerned that it could be a source of frustration for me in the future if those limitations remain. I guess I mainly don't understand how he's fine with wanting to do things to ME but doesn't want something done to HIM. I would think if someone was uncomfortable, they wouldn't want either

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Heather
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Since that is the same person, it seems to me that you knew walking into this, from this person, what his limits were with sex. Sounds like he's been very clear about them from the get-go. I also think you should probably figure that all of these limits may well remain, since it sounds to me like he's been very consistent about them from the start.

In terms of you having a hard time thinking everyone would either want all or nothing when it comes to some kinds of sex -- either everyone engages in everything or no one does at all -- know that some people just are like that. You might not have met them before, but they're out there. People who identify as stone, for instance, are just that way: they are excited by and comfortable with giving pleasure when it comes to genital sex or touch, but not receiving it.

But I think for now it's clear that this person is still where they started where, for now, they aren't only with or interested in a sexual relationship, period, and might not be for a long time or until marriage. I assume since you chose to stay involved with this person, you've thought about how you feel about things potentially not being sexual unless there was marriage, which would include not finding out about how the sexual dynamics between you will realistically be until then, either.

How do you feel about that now? It's sounding to me like that probably isn't something you really want for yourself, but I don't want to make assumptions.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katiebird
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It doesn't bother me at this moment. And while I think his barriers might soften a bit later on, and these might not be issued later on, I'm not going to make assumptions. So if that is the case, then I think I can say I can handle it. I've been in a lot of sexual relationships, but surprisingly, in this one, I'm not really feeling the need to keep "progressing" sexually - and sometimes I'm content just cuddling or kissing. I am usually very sexual, but in this relationship, it's just not my priority I guess? Maybe because this one is feeling more fulfilling personally than others? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just thought it could be a speedbump later on for me
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Heather
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Before we go to what you can handle, can you talk about if this is what you really WANT? And I'd think about that considering that he may keep the same boundaries he has expressed now, either until marriage (is that something you're considering for your life and with this person?), or afterward.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katiebird
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As in is the relationship what I want, or is the lack of sexual things done to HIM what I want? Because right now, I am happy with the relationship. As for not being able to not do certain things to him in the future, I think I can deal with it depending on how long the relationship lasts. I think if it gets to a point where it becomes frustrating for me after a long period of time, I might have to express that and possibly break it off.
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Heather
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Is a relationship like this that is not sexual and may not be sexual unless you marry this person what you want?

Is a possible -- perhaps even likely -- sexual dynamic like he's described something you want?

Those are the questions I was asking, sorry to be unclear.

[ 11-18-2011, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katiebird
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Well it's only "not sexual" when it comes to him receiving things from me. He's been sexual with and towards me, he just rejects getting pleasure himself.

I'm not exactly sure what I want. I feel like I've always felt like I "needed" or "wanted" a mutual sexual relationship where both parties were giving and receiving certain sexual things. But I feel like that's because that's just the course that all my relationships have followed and so it feels like the "norm" to me. Even though I might not, right now, or possibly ever, be able to give him manual/oral sex, I'm still sexual in other ways towards him with kissing and touching, and I like that. I may get frustrated only because I'm used to there being a mutual progression, but it may only be frustration because it's not something I'm used to. When I think about it, I'm not sure I mind so much a dynamic that's proposed - is that a bad thing? Should there be a mutual sexual dynamic going on?

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Heather
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I think we have to be cautious with how we use the word mutual.

Remember: genitals aren't the only ways we can experience pleasure. For instance, let's say your partner is engaging in cunnilingus with you. You're likely feeling pleasure in and around your genitals from that activity alone, and probably in your head as well. He may be experiencing things that feel good to his mouth, lips and tongue, and any other body parts involved, and in his head, too. That's mutual.

If he doesn't want to engage his genitals in any kind of sex, and that doesn't feel good to him physically or emotionally, but he did that anyway, that wouldn't be "mutual" pleasure. See what I mean?

That said, I'd just check in per what this is about, because that matters. If he still feels that any or some kinds of sex outside of marriage are not okay, or feels like there's something shameful or bad about his genitals or genital sex with him, then yes, something may be wrong, rather than this being about what he does and doesn't find pleasurable.

But I'd just try and be really honest with yourself about what you feel you want and need to feel like a sexual relationship is right for you, and try to avoid potentially going with something that isn't a good fit. I'd also check in with him and talk more about this to figure out what the limits here are about, and what HE really wants and feels okay with. Then I'd think and talk some more together to be sure this is really a sound fit for both of you. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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