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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Orgasm & pleasure problems.

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Author Topic: Orgasm & pleasure problems.
audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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Well...My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, and sexually active for one year. We lost our virginity to each other also. I KNEW from the start that I was not going to orgasm easily (as most women don't the first time or even several times after) but its been a year now and still no orgasm...we have tried everything we could think of and looked up countless articles online about this and it seems impossible. We've tried oral, fingering, you name it....
I love my boyfriend and I enjoy the sex most of the time.
but no matter what we do, it seems like the light keeps getting further and further from reach.....
Any tips? Am I the only one?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Let's roll this back a bit first.

Are you experiencing pleasure with whatever kinds of sex you're engaging in? How about your solo sex life: is masturbation feeling good for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Also, when you say you "enjoy sex most of the time," what about the times when you don't? What's going on then, and when it stops being enjoyable for you, and you also stopping the sex or changing things up so it does feel enjoyable?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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The thing with masturbation... I can only masturbate by pretty much dry humping a pillow? i know its weird but thats the only way i climax. :\ Ive tried other things an they just don't work for me.

And to the second question. when It isn't feeling right, usually my boyfriend can tell if im not enjoying it so we stop. he's a sweetheart and i know he wants to please me but I cant keep letting my self down thinking that the next time is going to be better and that maybe someday i'll orgasm... because as it is right now i just end up crying in mid-session because i'm so frustrated. I love my boyfriend so much and I feel like this is hurting out relationship because he blames himself and I blame myself.... [Frown]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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That's not weird: there is no one way people masturbate. People masturbate in a lot of different ways, including the way you do. In fact, if I had a nickel for everyone over the years who has said that's the way they masturbate and that they're sure that's way unusual, I'd have some heavy pockets. [Smile]

What does that tell you? Probably that the kind of stimulus you need to reach orgasm is intense stimulation, but not directly to your clitoris, more indirectly. Again, this is not uncommon.

It sounds like the pressures you're both feeling around orgasm together have gotten REALLY intense. have you two ever talked about WHY you think you're feeling like you reaching orgasm is this important? For instance, what does that mean to each of you that you simply enjoying yourself doesn't mean? Do either of you think orgasm is proof of something, for example?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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Thats good to know i'm not alone! and thats exactly the thing! The clit is way too sensitive sometimes and i'm not sure how to explain that to my boyfriend (i've tried but he always goes back to his old way, the ones that never work).
And yes we've talked about it alot but he always assumes i want to have sex with other people or want to break up with him...i guess I just want to feel that MY boyfriend gave ME an orgasm. do you know what i mean? It makes sense in my head...
I just wish the female anatomy wasn't so complicated! especially mine!

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Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
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You know, I don't think this is a problem of your anatomy being "complicated". This sounds like it's a communication problem. If your boyfriend is assuming that you want to have sex with other people because you aren't having an orgasm with him, or if you try to tell him what you like and he doesn't listen but just does things that don't work, that's a breakdown of communication between you, and not about anatomy at all.

It also sounds like you both are putting a lot of meaning and importance behind an orgasm which can just give you more pressure to orgasm, which is usually a good way to NOT orgasm. Orgasm tends to happen when we are really relaxed, having super fun, and not feeling pressured at all. By actually trying so hard to attain orgasm as a goal, you can make it much more difficult to reach. Sex should be about enjoying yourself, and an orgasm is not necessary to have fun and enjoyment.

What you should attain for instead is just mutual pleasure. You should do things together that feel good. And communication is KEY here. You know some things that feel good to you based on how you masturbate, but if communication is not working between you and your boyfriend then it's basically not going to feel good.

Why don't you check out these articles? I think it'd be good if your boyfriend would read them as well.
Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yield for Pleasure
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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communication is not the problem.
and I can masterbate and 100% of the time i will orgasm. but i don't usually like to masterbate because it always leaves me feeling sort of sad and upset....because at the end I always thing "wow I wish that was him instead of the stupid pillow."

we even introduced toys into the bedroom to try to spice things up..and he's such a sweetie that he didn't feel intimidated he just wanted to please me with whatever it took:) which meant the world to me. That feeling was the closest i can imagine a passionate orgasm given by a lover could feel. just KNOWING he wanted me to orgasm was amazing. at least i know he's trying.

However nothing worked and I was very suprised that i couldn't even orgasm with the vibrator... :\ i'm hopeless...

I guess i'll keep trying and keep being let down. i realize that we should be aiming for mutual pleasure, and I always make sure he is satisfied. but then at the end I can't help but just feel left out.....

Sorry for ranting...

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Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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If you masturbate by humping a pillow and that works for you then you can try similar activities with your boyfriend. Things that don't directly touch the clit, but provide indirect pressure, like dry humping him or rubbing a palm on your vulva. If you want to try a vibrator again try not putting it directly on your clit but maybe pushing it between your legs.

The reason I said there was a communication issue is because you said when you've tried to talk about it with your boyfriend that he assumed you wanted to be with someone else, and that he's always going back to things that don't work for you despite you telling him that... Have you been able to have some more productive conversations with him recently?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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audio.repeat
Neophyte
Member # 86967

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See the funny thing is...We used to do the dry humping thing all the time when we were still virgins. and 85% of the time I would orgasm and it was great:) but for some reason its getting harder and harder:( I havent had an orgasm that way for about a year........
Posts: 16 | From: TX | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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