Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Boyfriend's fascination with anal

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Boyfriend's fascination with anal
Martey
Neophyte
Member # 57542

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Martey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey!

A few months ago my boyfriend ask me how I felt about trying anal sex for the first time. I wasn't too excited about the idea and was afraid of the pain, but he had done his homework and clearly explained to me how he would like to start with it, so I gave him my permission and agreed to try after a while. For about a month or so, he started warming me up for anal sex, at first it was just one finger, then two fingers, then toys of different size. It felt a bit awkward having anything back there, but I was able to relax quite easily and he progressed very slowly, so it didn't hurt much and by the time I was able to comfortably insert my largest vibrator, I allowed him to have anal sex with me. I was nervous trying it for the first time, but I was also prepared, he was really gentle and it wasn't that bad. He had masturbated while he was warming me up, so he orgasmed rather quickly. LAter that evening he asked me how I felt about the experience, and I told him that it didn't do much for me, didn't hurt, just felt strange and intense having him back there for the first time. When I asked him, he really loved the experience, it was so amazingly tight for him, the sensation was amazing and he really appreciated me trying it. I also gave him permission to ask for anal in the future. The next time he asked for it was after three weeks, then aster two weeks and for the last month, he has asked me for anal sex on every weekend and I'm starting to have a some mixed feelings about it. What I love about him is that he doesn't pressure me to do it, the week before the last I told him that I wasn't in the mood for anal, so he just smiled and didn't mind. He's also very good at warming me up, wihtout me having to do anything. What I'm not loving so much is the fact that anal sex doesn't do anything for me. He eats me out before and after anal sex and I love it, but by the time he has actually prepared me for anal, I'm not too aroused anymore and lately, it seems to last forever too. He's not masturbating before anal anymore and he likes to go very slow and gentle and hold back. Maybe I shouldn't have, but the last time I actually watched the clock and the anal sex lasted over 15 minutes. I do love hearing him enjoy it, he likes to caress me and run his fingers through my hair, but I'm starting to feel like I'm just laying there on my stomach and having him back there for ever. I don't want to tell him to stop, I know he really enjoys it and does a lot to make me feel comfortable, but I'm not sure I want to feel like, sort of used and I would welcome some advice.

Posts: 15 | From: Sweden | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
schroeder
Activist
Member # 73255

Icon 1 posted      Profile for schroeder     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you tried telling him that it doesn't do much for you? Honestly I hear you saying that you don't enjoy anal sex and that you're only participating because he enjoys it.

I think you should know that it's okay not to be interested in anal sex and that you shouldn't be doing it out of obligation. Consent is about enthusiastic yes.

I think you should tell your boyfriend all of these mixed feelings that you're having surrounding anal sex and ask him if the two of you can take a step back from this activity at least until you've figured out exactly how you feel about it.

Posts: 90 | From: Virginia | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tbelle
Activist
Member # 32076

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tbelle     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think most guys will ask their girlfriends to try anal.

Personally I think it's perverse and frankly a bit degrading because only one person is enjoying it.

Sex is about two people experiencing pleasure. Why get him used to something that you do not enjoy, and have never enjoyed?

He should be happy that he can have any kind of sex with you at all.

Posts: 107 | From: New England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
Activist
Member # 41657

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jill2000Plus     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
tbelle, some women actually like anal sex, so can you please not generalise like that?

--------------------
Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

Posts: 840 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Jill is right. Plenty of people like being the receptive partner in anal sex. And there is nothing inherently degrading about any sexual position. If everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting and having fun, there is nothing at all wrong with it.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BrightStar171
Peer Ambassador
Member # 64549

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BrightStar171     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, wow, I don't want to dogpile on tbelle here, but I'm a woman who really enjoys anal sex but doesn't have it anymore because my current male partner is completely not into it (actively turned off by it, actually). And, honestly, the stereotype that most men like anal and most women don't has also never, ever been my actual experience with people. I find the statement that it's degrading frankly insulting, though.
Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Let's keep the rest of this conversation to Martey's situation, okay? So, skip both talking about anyone other than she and her boyfriend or more talk of a user who generalized or put their own feelings about this kind of sex on this. Cheers.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That said, how about we move forward, Martey (if you're still around) with what redupright led with, which was:

quote:
Have you tried telling him that it doesn't do much for you? Honestly I hear you saying that you don't enjoy anal sex and that you're only participating because he enjoys it.

Perhaps additionally, if there are things about this that you do enjoy -- like his enjoyment, him running his hands through your hair - have you two tried talking out how each of you feel, pro and con, to see if there are things you can do where he experiences high enjoyment but you ALSO are enjoying yourself around more than his pleasure and don't feel like your body is just being used, like you said?

[ 10-02-2011, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Martey
Neophyte
Member # 57542

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Martey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey!

He's always concerned about how I feel physically, during warmup and anal sex, but after the first time I guess we haven't talked about how I feel emotionally. I've been a bit afraid to talk about it and I'm not exactly sure how I feel either. What I don't like about is how long the act lasts and how passive I feel during it, what I do love is seeing him enjoy it and the way he treats me. I also kind of enjoy submitting to him. When he asks to have anal sex with me, I know I can say no and I love him for respecting it, but if I'm feeling aroused, even though I know what to expect, I feel like I want to allow him to have anal sex with me. I will try to bring the subject up and see how it goes.

I don't find anal sex degrading and I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something you're comfortable with just to please your boyfriend.

Also, I'm positively surprised that there are women who actively enjoy anal sex, thank you for your inpupt!

Posts: 15 | From: Sweden | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
breath
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50014

Icon 1 posted      Profile for breath     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Dear Martey,

While I agree with you that there's nothing "wrong" with doing anything because you throughly enjoy your partner's pleasure, what you describe here seems to be a case where your own emotional needs are being sidelined (in your words, you say "feeling your body is being used"). It seems to me that perhaps he assumed or felt that he didn't feel the need to check in with you after the first time, emotionally. It's always important to check with our partners, and perhaps especially more so in an activity where one person seems to have more ability to do things than the other such as the performative partner position in anal sex.

I don't think it's necessary to know and be sure how you feel about it as a pre-condition to talk about it to him, including your ambivalent feelings. Can you tell us more about why you are "A bit afraid" to talk about it?

Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To be clear, I think you're saying here that with this, you are NOT experiencing doing it just to please your boyfriend as okay for you.

In other words, let's not go to broad generalizations about what it or isn't okay for all people. Let's stick to talking about your specific situation. You voice that you feel sort of used, you voice that you don't feel aroused during it and that it feels like it goes on forever (to the point you're now clockwatching during), you voice that it doesn't do anything physically for you by itself, you voice that you feel totally passive throughout and seem to be clear that's not enjoyable for you.

You also voice that the one thing you do like is that he's enjoying himself a lot, but that seems to be very overshadowed by all those other things, so what I hear you saying is that this is NOT okay for you as it stands.

Do I have that right? If so, have you told him all of those things?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Martey
Neophyte
Member # 57542

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Martey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey again!

I'm sorry if I've made it sound that grim, because it isn't. There are a few other things that I feel very comfortable doing for my boyfriend and I can quite imagine anal sex being one of them. I guess I just had no idea how I would feel while having anal sex.

What I don't like about anal sex:
how long it lasts
not getting any pleasure from the act itself
feeling a bit used

What I enjoy about anal sex:
seeing how much he enjoys it
having him being very open about how much he appreciates it
submitting to him
feeling good about myself for allowing it
him being very patient with warmup
not hurting
being treated with respect
trusting him completely
only being asked for anal on weekends, even though he would love it all the time
having the condifence to say no when I don't feel like doing it

I would also like to say that I do enjoy being slightly submissive, I love the idea of giving myself to him and not being in control, but maybe it's a bit too submissive or passive and that's why I feel used.

I've been hesitant to talk about it mainly because I haven't seen him so excited about something for a long time and I've wanted to become more used to it, but I will have a talk with him.

Posts: 15 | From: Sweden | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What I see in that second list, though, are things that you both could likely easily identify and find in activities you DID enjoy, that don't go on any longer than you want them to, and where you don't feel used.

Mind, with anything when we're talking about how long something happens for, that's something you can control. In other words, even if you really were enjoying anal sex in the ways you aren't, it doesn't have to happen for any given period of time. If you only liked it for two minutes, it could only go on for two minutes if, after that time, you said to your partner, "Hey, I'm not into this anymore, can we switch to something else?"

Know what I mean?

Too, if you do feel like this is something you want to explore to see if it can feel good because of all the positives you list it offers you, you can also talk together about experimenting with other things you can do at the same time, things that might make it feel great to you and also make you feel more of an active participant, so you don't feel used. Know what I mean by that? Are those things you two have talked about and experimented with yet?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Martey
Neophyte
Member # 57542

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Martey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey!

Just wanted to let you know that I talked with my boyfriend about it after my last post and explained how I felt. He was sorry and thought we should stop having anal sex, but I wanted to try using toys on me and it's been working great. He's enjoying it and I'm enjoying it, especially when we've managed to time our orgasms.

Posts: 15 | From: Sweden | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yay!!! So glad it was a good conversation with your boyfriend and that the toys are making the whole experience better for you. Thanks for coming back with a positive report.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3