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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Communication about sex issues...

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Author Topic: Communication about sex issues...
Amy A
Neophyte
Member # 40137

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My boyfriend of 6 months and I have recently started having sex (manual, oral, and intercourse).

I have a really hard time getting any pleasure out of it. It feels decent, but it's not great.

It's so frustrating, because I get really turned on and stuff, but I leave his house way hornier than when I arrived. And it's not for lack of trying - he takes the time to take care of my needs, it just doesn't go anywhere for me.

I don't even know what the problem is. I've been having a really hard time getting anywhere even when masturbating these days. It's not really anything he's doing wrong, so how can I give him direction?

He's a worrier and is really insecure. So he's always asking if what he's doing is okay and for tips. Which is great. But it puts me in a catch-22.

- If I lie and say it feels great, nothing will ever change and I'll continue to be unsatisfied.

- If I tell him it's not good for me, he'll convince himself he's horrible in bed.

I think we'll get there eventually, it's just going to take some time. I'm new to sex and still figuring everything out.

How do I communicate that to him?

Posts: 23 | From: San Diego | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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Member # 29269

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Hi Amy! I think maybe you tell him exactly what you wrote here - as close to verbatim as you can, really. You've put it across really well. Too, conversations about sex and how you're enjoying it or not are good ones to be having even when things are going great. If you're both not vocal about what does and doesn't feel good (before, during and after), then you can't know really whether your partner is enjoying themselves or not, and that can be where worries and insecurities come from. [Smile]

As for sex and masturbation not being satisfying for you, are you talking about orgasm or something else? We have some articles I can link you to, if you're interested. [Smile]

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Amy A
Neophyte
Member # 40137

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Thanks, that helps a lot! I think I will tell him exactly what I wrote here.

I'm not talking about just orgasm. It's more that I'm having issues feeling any sexual pleasure at all. I still have a sex drive in the sense that I can get turned on and want sexual things, but when I masturbate (or am with my boyfriend), I don't feel much pleasure. I don't get anywhere close to orgasm. My ultimate goal is not really even to reach orgasm, although that would be nice. I just want to feel like I'm getting somewhere!

I used to have a much easier time with this up until last year - I'm not sure what changed! Articles would be nice [Smile]

[ 06-23-2011, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Amy A ]

Posts: 23 | From: San Diego | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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Member # 29269

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Have any other things changed since last year, when this was easier for you? Are you more stressed, or are you finding it more difficult to relax with masturbation or sex, or are you finding it difficult to feel aroused? Too, are you on any new medications? Really, what I'm saying is can you think of anything else that's changed over the same period of time.

It's possible, too, that the way your body responds is just changing over time, and it might be that you need to experiment some more to see what feels good to you.

Here's some awesome shtuff to read, too:
Yield for Pleasure
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
and perhaps also this:
Going Blind: A Masturbation Memoir

Too, this is a great article on communication. [Smile]
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kylia
Neophyte
Member # 54636

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The best thing you can do for yourself is to masturbate or experiment more with masturbating. It's hard for a partner to discover what is pleasurable for you if you have difficulty doing so yourself. Maybe try out other techniques or some toys?

Also, if that isn't the issue and you know what feels good for you, try asking him before you get it on. Suggest to him you want to try something, maybe take some control over the love making so you can be sure you're getting out of it what you want(usually the guy won't mind, usually haha). From what you're telling us he seems like a considerate enough guy to try and make this more pleasurable for you, so it's definitely worth the try.
What might help too is looking up positions that really stimulate women, because let's face it, when it comes to intercourse, it's often times so much easier for guys to get the pleasure they want. Maybe try different angles, or more genital contact. Try to have fun with it too, sex shouldn't feel like a chore but something you want to do and leaves you satisfied [Smile]

Posts: 10 | From: Netherlands | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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