I was reading the response to another threat posted here about 'how to get laid' where the conversation was de-bunking the myth that casual sex or one-time sexual encounters are all about one person's needs and not carrying about the other person's needs,etc.
I guess I have unfortunately been so programmed that my concepts are misinformed about what or how things are suppose to go in a healthy casual or one-time sexual environment.
I engaged in casual sex where I listed /said clearly what kind of sex I wanted to engage in (oral, vaginal, etc). When I engaged in it, those were all things that I was fully willing to do and acknowledged by saying 'no' to things that were outside of my boundaries or things that I didn't want to try at that time. I also didn't want the partner to come in my mouth so I handed them some tissue.
1) I wonder if there is more diplomatic way (ie. a way that doesn't kill the mood?) of saying 'no'? I didn't think so. 2) Is it rude or insulting to hand someone the tissue? I just didn't feel aroused enough. 3) I feel that if the partner says "suck it" "or lick it" , you can ask the same when they are going down on you?
4) How have other discussed some of their preferences when it comes to sex in first-time encounters? Is it helpful to discuss them BEFORE hand in some way so that things are bit more smooth? Or others just go with the flow?
5) What boundaries (if any) are common for people to have in casual or one-time sexual encounters to ensure that they are not feeling 'needy' or clingy or getting too emotional about the counter even they felt fine going in. For example, I think it's helpful to not 'sleep over' as that indicates a level of intimacy that is not really there.
6) Lube: Should you ask before using a lube in oral sex or it's standard practice?
7) I said that 'it's everyone's own responsibility to make sure that they orgasm' in sex with a willing/cooperating partner. Is that true or partly true notion?
Perfunctory stuff: oral sex can and does transmit a number of STI's, so, especially with casual encounters or sexual activities with partners whose STI status is not known, using barriers for oral sex is generally a good practice. As an added bonus for those who do not (necessarily) like semen or vaginal secretions in their mouths, barriers allow for oral sex without introducing pre-ejaculate, semen, or vaginal secretions to the mouth.
1) You may be able to manage varying degrees of diplomacy with intonation, but a direct "No" in response to something undesired is, in my mind, the best approach, as it leaves no room for misinterpretation.
2) I guess it's possible that someone might interpret it as rude or insulting, though if that's the case, I'd say it's his issue and not yours. There's nothing intrinsically rude or insulting about not wanting to have someone ejaculate in your mouth. That said, I object to the characterizations that I occasionally hear that tasting or swallowing semen is somehow intrinsically degrading (not that you made such a suggestion): if not using a barrier, someone performing oral sex on a woman will likely be swallowing anywhere from some to a lot of vaginal secretions, though often not all at once. I don't mean to suggest that anyone is obligated to do things he or she does not wish to, just that there's sometimes a disparity in thinking about oral sex and consumption of genital fluids, as many women do not ejaculate in a similar way to most men.
3) Sure, why not? Everyone, of course, has the right to say "No" in response to such a demand as well.
4) I'm not personally familiar with the concept of "killing the mood" - for me, discussing consent, mechanics, etc. doesn't take me out of a sexual encounter or instantly diminish my arousal - so I generally discuss boundaries, consent, and mechanics of sexual activities on an ongoing basis, before, during, and after sexual activity. I've also not had sex of any sort with someone I've met the same day, so others might have better suggestions in terms of that sort of dynamic. I think if you have activities that are definitely off the table it's not a bad idea to mention that before any clothes come off; discussing STI status and safer-sex practices beforehand is a good idea too (as I'm not one for super-casual sex, these are generally things that I discuss outside of the context of sexual activity, once there's a clear possibility that I will engage in sexual activity involving any sort of genital contact with someone).
5) I can't really be of help here, except to suggest that, if one finds oneself feeling bad about one-off sexual encounters or bad about the fact that they're one-off encounters as opposed to ongoing sexual relationships or becoming emotionally invested in relationships/people in which/whom one would prefer to be uninvested, that perhaps casual or one-off sexual encounters are not what one really wants for sexual relationships/encounters and should perhaps be reconsidered. I'm not saying this is true for you - you don't appear to have indicated that this is the case for you personally - but if any of us find our sexual relationships/behaviors to be causing us undue stress or unhappiness, it's a good idea to re-examine the choices we're making with respect to those relationships/behaviors and consider making some changes.
6) I've never used lube for oral sex that has not included a latex barrier (for protected oral sex, adding a bit of lube to the inside of the condom or the vulva side of a dental dam/modified condom may be a good idea for making the barrier more comfortable) as either a receptive or performative partner. That said, I don't think it ever hurts to ask (and if it does, one might want to re-evaluate whether a partner is ready for ENGAGING IN sexual activity, if that partner has issues with DISCUSSING the activity).
7) This is something one should really negotiate on a case-by-case basis. In my ideal world, where everyone has and exercises sexual autonomy and is sexually self-aware and self-confident, I heartily agree with that statement. However, one does not often find such people in the real world, and likely more women than men, given our cultural norms about sex in much of the USA, have trouble being assertive and effectively perusing sexual desires. Being assertive is important for any/all partners, but I also think it's good to pay attention to a partner's wants and desires. The best sex for everyone involved is going to be about sharing pleasure, both giving and taking for all parties, not about one or both (or more) people simply taking what they want from one another without communication about what works/doesn't for the other person(s). Being assertive is good, being selfish is bad.
-------------------- Robble Robble Robble! Posts: 46 | From: Milwaukee, WI USA | Registered: Jul 2006
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There is no age restriction on birth control. You can buy condoms at any store or pharmacy. If you want to use other types of birth control, you need to make an appointment with a gynecologist to get a prescription.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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