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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » fingering

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Author Topic: fingering
hiyaimworried
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i heard a lot of people i know finger themselves so i tried and it hurts if its more than one finger and im only 14 but if i get a boyfriend im worried that they'll use more than one finger and hurt me..:/
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September
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When you tried to insert your finger, were you relaxed and aroused? Using extra lube? Going slowly?

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-joey
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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Heya,

I think what joey suggests might help too,

On top of that,

If you were to have a boyfriend, I think you shouldn't actually have to do anything that hurts, or anything that you don't want to do, it should feel good, and you should feel ready to do it and you should feel totally right saying "Ouch! Just one finger!" or "Ouch! Lets do something else".

It's totally right for you to be able to say what you do and don't want to do.

But, if you're trying out fingering just because a boyfriend might try it then I'm not sure you're going to be too turned on?

Also when people talk about fingering themselves, I'm not sure they always mean putting fingers inside the vagina... I think for a lot of women fingering can mean using fingers to rub the "clit" (clitoral glans) or like you describe putting a finger inside to try and get pleasure from clitoral bits and pieces inside the body (there is more on that in the same link).

But really anything you do to get off is different for everyone, and so whether you're on your own or with someone else it makes sense to be doing what feels good to you and remembering you've got the right to say what feels good and stop something that feels bad.

Doing whatever turns you on more is the best way really to explore your body.

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hiyaimworried
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thanks a lot, the other problem is my inner labia? i think thats what its called. the "lips" inside my vagina are big, they hang out and embarress me, ive read that its normal but im pretty sure ive had it for a couple of years now and ones gradually got bigger, why isnt it decresing? is there anything i can do to make it go back to how it should be?..
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-Firefly-
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There's really no "should" with genitals. The variety really is incredible. It's completely normal to have your inner labia longer than your outer labia, just as it's completely normal for the opposite to occur. It's possible that your inner labia are still growing because you're not done puberty yet. I know you may feel like you're the only one who labia like this, but I promise you that you're not. Does the length of your labia cause you any physical discomfort?

Here's a new blog piece (the beginning of a series) talking about some of what you've expressed here: http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/07/21/wrenna_shows_you_hers_and_mine_and_yours_and_hers_and_hers_and

Hope this helps!

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Vero
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hiyaimworried
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no i dont get any discomfort it just makes me very self-concious..like if i had sex i dont want my boyfriend to think its horrible/disgusting or something, even though i feel it is..
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loststone
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If you're not experiencing any discomfort, I don't think there's anything to worry about. Like Vero said, there is a huge variety in what genitals look like, and all of those are normal and okay, and definitely not horrible or disgusting.

Not wanting a sexual partner to think that your body is horrible or disgusting seems pretty sensible to me; and that's a totally realistic want/need. Someone who is ready to be sexually active is going to recognise the variety in genitals and know that things like having long labia are totally normal; and won't think they're horrible, you know?

Do you want to talk about why you're self-conscious?

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hiyaimworried
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because i get teased over little things, one reason because im 5'6. my boyfriend makes jokes about me but he doesnt mean to upset me, he always brings them things up when we have arguments, so im scared he'd make fun of it when we argue..
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loststone
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I'm quite concerned about your boyfriend, you say here that he makes jokes at your expense and in your other thread you said he is violent towards you. That doesn't sound like a very safe person to me; do you feel safe around him?

You say he doesn't mean to upset you, does he know his upsets you?

You know, if people are teasing us, that really says a lot more about them than it does about us. If we were self-conscious about something, wouldn't a nice person reassure us, rather than make fun of us?

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Heather
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Count me in as another person who is seriously concerned about your safety.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hiyaimworried
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i do feel safe with him, he protects me if someone is horrible to me, it really depends who we're around. he realises later on that its upset me and if i cry he doesnt hesitate to reasure me and holds me til i stop or makes me laugh, i know he cares and knows when he does something wrong. im just to hesitant to do anything sexual with him, not because im not ready, because i dont feel its normal for it to look the way it does
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Stephanie_1
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You know, when someone's teasing has made us cry more than once, it's pretty safe to say they know that when they treat us in a certain way it's hurtful for us. To continue acting in such a way that they know hurts is worrisome. Especially seeing some of what you said in your other thread. As well, he's using something against you that he knows hurts you because you're fighting, and that's equally not okay. So also worrying about this relationship and your being safe in it.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Born_In_The_90's
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I've got the same problem as hiyai'mworried. I've tried fingering myself a couple of times but not just by using penetration, thing is I have no idea whether I'm turned on enough or not. I also have problems with penetration though, I'm fine using just one finger but any other and I found it difficult to enter. I however finger myself as a way to explore my body and to feel genuinely good about myself. I'm not worried about sex or anything but I am nervous that since my hymen feels too tight then I might feel pain when a partner tries to enter me. BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I'M TURNED ON!! I get wet and everything but I can't use lube cause I still live with my parents and don't want them to find out that I'm masturbating. Please, some advice is needed!!! ???
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Heather
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Let's first debunk what I think is probably some misinformation about/misunderstanding of the hymen/corona: My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It


A hymen can't be "tight." It can be eroded or not eroded to some degree, but if you can insert a finger comfortably, your hymen has clearly worn away already a good deal and is probably a non-issue.

A feeling of tightness or discomfort with vaginal entry IS most typically about not being aroused enough, relaxed enough, lubricated enough, or all of the above.

You say you don't know if you're aroused enough. Arousal is something we'll tend to feel in our heads while we feel it in our bodies. So, are you experiencing what feels like a strong desire -- in your head -- to be sexual when you're doing this? Is touching yourself otherwise feeling really good?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hiyaimworried
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i can only enter one finger too and if i put anymore in, it hurts. so i tend to rub instead of insert my finger because i only get a sensation when rubbing and it makes me so relaxed afterwards. is it bad that i rub instead of actual fingering?
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Heather
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Why would that be "bad?" And what is "actual fingering?"

If you mean you think there are right ways to masturbate and wrong ways, know there are not. How people touch themselves for pleasure is very diverse, and for some, it doesn't even involve touching genitals at all.

As well, "fingering" really just means using fingers to touch genitals, which can be done in about a gazillion ways. Some people like that to include entry into the vagina, others don't, and some do sometimes but not other times. But if by "rubbing" you mean you rub your external clitoris in some way, that it is the more common way people with vulvas tend to genitally masturbate, even though it doesn't mean people who do so differently are doing it wrong or anything.

Can you also answer the rest of my questions? It'd make helping you with this easier. Cheers!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hiyaimworried
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what questions? your other reply was to Born_in_the_90's
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x15slux
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quote:
Originally posted by hiyaimworried:
i heard a lot of people i know finger themselves so i tried and it hurts if its more than one finger and im only 14 but if i get a boyfriend im worried that they'll use more than one finger and hurt me..:/

Don't worry about this. I am 15 and I finger since 3 years. I insert 2 fingers in my vagina and I rub the clit. The feeling is fantastic [Smile]
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