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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » scared to go past foreplay?

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Author Topic: scared to go past foreplay?
anonymousgurl
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Hi,
I'm 19 and I've dated a lot of guys in the past (I've never had a relationship with a guy for longer than 4 months). and with every single guy I have not been comfortable enough to remove my clothing or have oral sex, or anything to do with sex basically. I'll only have dry sex with the guy, makeout, and maybe give him a hj if I feel comfortable. Other than that I don't want to go further because I'm scared of going "all the way."
& usually the guy I am dating will always touch me down there, and I won't do anything back to him because I'm afraid of things going too far.. :S
I think it might be cause I haven't found the right guy yet, because the last guy I dated, we made out, did dry humping etc.. but then after the 4th date (1 month of seeing each other) he dumped me. It's a long story, but I'm guessing a part of why he dumped me was because I did not reciprocate back sexually (i could tell he was frusturated with only dry humping, but he never mentioned it). I guess i felt bad because I really got him turned on (blue balls maybe..) and I didn't reciprocate or want to go further (this happened twice). For some reason I just didn't feel comfortable, but I did really like him but I was afraid of getting attached too fast. I'm starting to regret it a bit.. but I'm also confused. I don't think the guys I have been dating have any patience for me. (I really don't want to come off as a "tease" though just because I am afraid to take things further.. [Frown] )

Is this normal? I'm just scared of being used for sex, and then getting dumped afterwards. Some of my friends think that I need to take chances and not be so uptight about this otherwise I might not be able to have a relationship with a guy (they also think I'm too afraid to get hurt, which is why I don't open up very much).
I just want to learn how to let go and not worry about going past foreplay a bit, but I'm really careful with my body and I see sex as a very important thing to me (especially since I am still a virgin.. I find a lot of guys my age are surprised if I tell them that).
I want to have a fun and enjoy being a young women, but I want to be in a committed relationship, respected, and loved before I have sex with a man. Is there such thing? Or do guys always expect sex or physical intimacy before they can love/care about a woman?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

Thanks!

[ 02-27-2011, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

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CoatRack
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It is always OK and normal to feeling anything about sex, whether that is wanting it all the time or not wanting it at all or not wanting to go beyond something. That is nothing bad or wrong, ok? So don't even worry about that.

Not wanting to have a relationship at any given time, or not wanting to do something within that relationship is really nobody's business but your own. If you are in a relationship then it is a discussion to have with the person you are in a relationship with, but not in a “negotiating” way but really just in a “here is how I am feeling and this is what I need to do” kind of way. Your friends who think you need to “take chances” really do not get a say in your sex life at all.

Sometimes when our bodies are saying, “no, don't do that” it's their way of very cleverly saying “right now it is healthier for you to take some alone time.” That is definitely a good thing to pay attention to, because those gut feelings are often right. And if your partner has a problem with the fact that you need to step back and do some self-care so that you are emotionally and mentally healthy and able to be in a relationship then they are not worth your time. You and your emotions and mental health deserve respect and if a partner can't give that then that's not a healthy relationship.

Also you have quite a bit of emotional stuff going on in your life right now and sometimes our minds can only take so much. Adding another level of stress, even if it's happy new-relationship stress, may just be something your body and soul doesn't want right now. Take some time to yourself and listen to your body.

Here are a couple articles you may be interested in.
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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May Day
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Hi!

I can't tell from your post how much you and your partners verbally communicate about what you want sexually and what you're not ready for. Maybe you could share how you talked about sex with the last guy you were dating? 1 month isn't very long at all, so while for some people having sex within a month is fine and desired, for plenty of people that's far too early and they're not comfortable with that level of intimacy so early on. If that's too early for you, don't stress it, it's *your* body, you get to decide what's okay and what's not okay.

It is totally okay to not want or feel ready to try new things. And you know, i prefer being in committed relationship with a partner before having sex with them too. Of course there is such a thing! It's also not really a good idea to make generalisations about what men or women want/expect before committing to relationships, because EVERYONE is different.

I don't think you're uptight (what an unpleasant phrase), i think you know your boundaries and aren't interested in going further with a partner until you feel comfortable. i honestly think that's something to value: giving into the peer pressure of your friends and partners (people who obviously WEREN'T right for you) doesn't sound like fun to me.
Another important think to value in partnered relationships is communicating. You partner cannot know what you do and don't want, what you like and dislike, what you value, unless you tell them. After 3 dates i flat out asked my current bf if he liked me and was interested in dating me exclusively because that's the place i was at and i wasn't interested in seeing other people at the same time. If he had said no, he didn't want to be exclusively dating me, that would have been fine! But we wouldn't have continued dating casually, that wasn't right for me. Talking to your partners (even if it's awkward, like talking about sex can be) is much easier in the long term than being left wondering what went wrong and how they were feeling.

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anonymousgurl
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CoatRack - Thanks again. You explained exactly how I feel at the moment. I really do think I'm under too much emotional stress so I cannot handle dating/hooking up or any kind of romantic relationship right now. I wish I told the guy I was seeing about that.. I don't know if it would still be necessary. We are still friends, and he actually he invited me to hang out with him last weekend, but I turned him down because I've been really busy with other things in my life (plus he's giving me mixed signals..& I just don't want to deal with that right now..)
I definetely feel like I need to take time for myself & I don't want to start a new relationship for now.

MayDay - Thanks for your reply. I actually have a post on this website describing the relationship I had with this guy (I was confused about the breakup so I asked advice about it a while ago). So you can read it if you like: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011052/p/1.html#000000

Anyways, we did not communicate very well about what we wanted at all. I felt like I was still in the stage of just trying to get to know him, but he wanted a lot of physical intimacy too fast for me. 1 month for me is too fast to get involved like that unless I am dating exclusively (whcih i should have told him..)
I think the problem was that we really didn't communicate about this at all.. even during the intimacy we didn't talk about how far we wanted to go etc. If I felt like things were going too far though, I would tell him to stop, and he would. But I think he felt let down when I said that. & he asked me a few times why I was pulling away from him.. and I said that I didn't know why.
I think if I didn't have a lot of emotional stress going on right now, I would have been able to open up with him better. I've realized that I need my alone time (like what Andy posted before you) for now.
I do feel like things are awkward with him though (we're still friends), so I'm not sure if I should tell him why I held back while we were dating? Or if I should just let it go for now..

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anonymousgurl
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?
I'm bumping this up because I want to make sure that CoatRack and MayDay read my reply above.

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Stephanie_1
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Whether you choose to tell him honestly has to be your decision based on what you feel fits best in your life right now. Know that you don't owe him any explanation, but that if you want to give one that's totally okay.

Per communicating, that's something we can certainly talk about with you either now or sometime before you begin dating someone again (when you feel you might be ready to). For now I'm glad you've decided to listen to what your heart and mind are telling you with taking the much needed break for yourself. And we're here if you need someone to talk to. Hang in there <3

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anonymousgurl
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Thanks so much Stephanie. Sorry this is a late response, but your reply made me feel a lot better.
It's been a few weeks since I've talked to him. He never messages me to say hi or to ask me how i'm doing anymore... I don't either though. But i just find it odd because he said he would love to stay friends, but now he doesn't make an effort to be my friend? Plus we bumped into each other on the way to class a few weeks ago (he called my name and started talking to me), and he was acting really nervous and I felt tension for some reason.

I saw him from a distance today on campus and we both waved to each other. I feel the need to talk to him and ask him how he's doing, but I don't know if I should?
I still need my break from dating and what not, plus I'm still in the process of getting over him, but I want him to know that I still want to be his friend. Should I bother starting a convo with him or should that be his responsibility?

[ 03-18-2011, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

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May Day
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My apologies for not replying here sooner, sometimes i forget where i've commented -_-

I think it's kinda common for people to not feel the desire to contact each other after a relationship ends, despite wanting to earlier in the break up to remain friends. I think people need that real space to become whole again. You're still part of him and he needs to find the good things about his life that fill the space you're no longer in. Does that make sense?

Also, though the pain of the relationship end has faded, being around the person you're no longer with, even if you chose that, can make you ache inside. Better to be separate completely for a period and later rebuild a friendship if the desire to is there, than try and maintain contact which is painful for you.

I think if you're still in the process of getting over him, then you may do yourself a disservice by interacting. What is a month in a lifetime? You can not have contact with him for this short period of time and still understand that you will have the oppotunity for friendship in the future. So.. to speak plainly, don't go out of your way to speak to him. It's neither yours nor his responsibility to start the conversations again, more like.. it's your responsibility to yourself to not get in touch until you're over him comfortably, and will not react poorly if he's not yet ready to talk to you.

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anonymousgurl
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Hi May Day,

Thanks for your advice. I completely agree with what you said, and I think it's the best if I hold off from contacting him.
But the problem is, we are in the same program at University.. and we have a lot of the same interests and I tend to see him a lot (usually if I see him I'll just end up walking in a different direction before we actually start talking since I'm trying to get over him..:\). & before we started 'seeing each other'(which lasted almost a month) we were good friends for at least 3 months, because we did some school/music projects together.
But anyway, my concern is that I'm going to workshops this week (they're usually not filled with many people), and I found out that he's going to the workshops too..

I don't know how to properly deal with this.. I feel like it's going to be really awkward during the workshop and I don't even feel like going because of that. But I obviously don't want to ruin my education because of some guy...
We also might have lotss of the same classes next year too...
Anyways, this is why i always have that urge to send him a text asking him how he is doing, because I feel like that might fix the 'awkwardness' :S. I think we're both trying to get over each other though, so I'm not really sure what to do in this type of situation..?
Thanks again.

[ 03-26-2011, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

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anonymousgurl
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Scratch my last message. Well not all of it, but.. I found out that he's already been dating a bunch of other girls. & I didn't think I would care that much.. but turns out I do.
I feel heartbroken all over again which isn't fun, but at least now I know that I shouldn't keep contact anymore.

I also have a concern.. I only dated this guy for 3 weeks-month, but I feel really strong feelings for him. Like I can relate the pain of the breakup similar to a past boyfriend I was with for almost a year (yes I know, kind of weird.. I don't know why my feelings are this strong).
I'm always confused when I feel this way towards someone because I never know if I fell in love with them or if I was highly infatuated. Usually if I'm hurting a lot and if it takes me a long time to get over a person, I believe that I did or was falling in love with the person.
But then again.. I don't think it is possible to fall in love with someone in the time span of only one month?
I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can't stop crying about this and I feel like I should have been over this a long time ago (it's been about 2 months since things ended).
Does the time your with someone correlate to how long it should take to get over the person? Is it normal to have strong feelings so fast for someone :S ?

Anyones opinion on this would be great.
Thanks again.

[ 03-29-2011, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

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-Firefly-
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I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now anonymousgurl.

In terms of your question about the time it takes to get over someone, I think that it varies on how long the relationship was, how invested people were, and what they're doing to get over it. If you want my advice, I'd recommend taking some time to yourself to really process how you're feeling, and then trying to keep yourself occupied with friends, hobbies, whatever it is that makes you feel better. Eventually you will feel better and the hurt will fade.

I hope this helps you feel a bit better. Hang in there!

EDIT: I think it's also worth noting that you are going through a lot of difficult stuff at home with your mother, and that can absolutely have an impact on the way you deal with intimate relationships. Have you ever talked to you psychologist about this stuff? If not, I think it would really be worth it, and she may have some good insight on it, knowing your history.

EDIT 2: Heather addresses this well in your other thread, so the conversation can continue there instead if you prefer [Smile]

[ 03-29-2011, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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anonymousgurl
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Hi blysse_norwood,

Thanks again. you've been such a great help for me so far.
I also received your email, sorry I never got the time to reply back yet. The resources are great & I plan on contacting some of them as soon as I get the chance (school is almost done, so I'm planning to do it once I'm done).
I spoke with a financial counselorand so far moving out plans for next year are working out (huge weight of relief off my shoulders!). My next plan is to try and work on finding a job, & I've been discussing all of this with my psychologist so far. But I will keep you updated about the process if I ever need extra help or support.

Anyways, I honestly had no idea that my family problems would have this much of an impact on my life. It's kinda scary because I'm realizing how much extra stress and emotional turmoil it causes.. & I feel like I thought it was normal for all of these years :S It is really difficult for me to balance my family life and my school/personal life as a 19 year old girl..it sort of feels like I'm living in two different worlds at once & I really wish it wasn't like that.
but i'm really glad that I'm finding out now that this is most likely the cause of me becoming overemotional and hurt with relationships/dating.

I've talked to my psychologist a little bit about this, but I've mostly been talking to her about family/school issues right now.
I think I'll talk to her more about it though. Thanks sooo much again
& I decided that I should continue the conversation with both you and Heather [Smile]

EDIT: sorry I just saw your message in my other thread about my mother. I should have posted this in there, next time I'll post my family stuff under that thread.

[ 03-30-2011, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

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-Firefly-
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Hi there,

No worries about posting here instead of your other thread, and no need to apologize about not replying to the e-mail. I just wanted to make sure that you had received it [Smile] I'm happy that what I've sent you seems useful.

I'm also really glad to hear that things are looking good with your moving out plans! That's fantastic and will probably be really good for you.

It sounds like you've also got a really good psychologist too, and I'm so glad you're able to talk to her about all this stuff. Having in-person help is invaluable.

In terms of your family problems affecting other aspects of your life: it can be really hard to see all the ways that this stuff is interrelated when you're in it. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to make that connection, and then the pieces start falling into place. I can understand feeling really overwhelmed with all this stress, but if it means anything, I think you're dealing with all of this stuff remarkably well, and being really proactive with getting your life sorted out and helping out your family. It's really commendable.

As an aside, I just wanted to let you know that Heather and several of the volunteers (myself included) will be away at a conference from tomorrow until Sunday night/Monday morning, so I apologize if I don't answer til then.

Hang in there! [Smile]

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