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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » How to quit porn? Are BDSM fantasies sick?

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Author Topic: How to quit porn? Are BDSM fantasies sick?
Member # 47045

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Ok, I certainly didn't know where to write to, and I remembered about that site so I thought it's the best place. Actually I have two topics I would like to talk about. This is very difficult topic for me, and I am actually ashamed of myself here (which is not nice nor easy for me, as usually I am very self-confident). I am 19 and virgin, very open about sex topics but not feeling rush to be in relationship nor to actually have sex. But I feel like if I don't feel rady, but in the same time I am getting very horny and would like just to do it. It took me to the world of porn and sex chats (cyber sex). The only way I ever masturbated was with the heavy stream of water while taking bath, pointing in on clitoris which gives me a lot of pleasure. My problem is that I feel like if I am getting too much into that stuff (porn and sex chats mostly) and somehow I can't stop. Am I getting addicted to the sexual tension it makes in me? And how to quit then?

My second problem is that for long time I was having fantasies about spanking and little bdsm. I've never been spanked in my life as kid and I don't know from where it came to me, but I can't get my mind of that topic. Lately I've noticed it started to get more and more curageous, I watch BDSM movies and on chats role play rape scenes and public humiliation. In the same time I know that if anyone from my friends or family knew about that, I would die of embarrasement. I tried to spank myself for fun, but after few times I stop, because of, well, pain. But I still think I would like once I had someone to ask him/her to spank me even though it will hurt. But in "civil" I had enough pain in my life and I am definitely not masohist. What is wrong with me? How can I stop thinking about stuff like that and how can I quit porn and uhm, thinking about sex?

Thank you for being a place when I actually can ask these questions.

Posts: 7 | From: Poland | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5822

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Hi Suzume,

First off, you're completley normal and you are not addicted to porn or sex from what you're saying here. You have nothing to be ashamed of at all.

I recommend you check out the article below, and if you have any further concerns, come back here and ask [Smile]


Posts: 896 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47045

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Thank you for replying me, I actually got freaked out after long BDSM chat session.

The article you've sent me cleared few things, but I still have few more questions, so if you don't mind I'd like to ask them. First of all, isn't it working that way that you actually can get addicted to porn or masturbation and it will make your sex life later uhm, worse? I mean, if I watch certain porn a lot, but didn't have actual sex yet nor partner to be true, would it make me unable to live without it? And with masturbation, if I am masturbating in the same way for years, once I start having sex won't it make me unable to recive pleasure in relationship in other ways?
I know these probably are very silly questions, but oh well.

One last thing: could you link me to some other article about kinks and fetishes? Something which could tell me why my mind loves them them so much even if I am not sure my body does?

Thank you so much for your help [Smile]

Posts: 7 | From: Poland | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You might find these articles helpful:
Working the Kinks Out

The idea that porn is "addictive" is something very much questioned by most of the sexology community and the addiction community, and that's because addition is a term that was and is really meant for being about substances. "Compulsion" is a more accepted and suitable framework around porn: in other words, as with anything, people can behave compulsively with it or find they act compulsively with it.

Do you feel like it is a compulsion: like you use/watch it even when you don't actually want to?

In terms of how it can impact people's sex lives, the jury is largely still out on that, too. For some people, it enhances their sex lives, while others find their sex lives impacted negatively. It's highly individual.

With masturbation, it might help to remember that it's different than parented sex, and you can bring masturbation TO partnered sex, either as something you do with a partner or teach a partner how to do. But chances are, you probably won't masturbate in exactly the same way for years and years because you'll likely find that even all by yourself, the same thing gets a bit old after a while without at least some variety.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47045

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Oh, thank you A LOT. These articles cleared a lot actually!

Yes, I guess "compulsion" was the word I was meaning, because sometimes for example I promise myself I won't enter those sites/chats (even more the latter as these give me much more arousal), but I end up on them for several hours, and just can't stop. I wouldn't mind doing it if I haven't the impression I do this too much and it takes my time and suck me in. And it's not actually like I can ask someone to help me not doing it or "quitting" because I really don't want to talk about it with family or friends.

Posts: 7 | From: Poland | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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