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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Insecure about boyfriend watching porn

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Author Topic: Insecure about boyfriend watching porn
sultrybabyjane26
Neophyte
Member # 54217

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I have been dating this guy for almost 5 months now and we live together. He is truly an amazing guy and treats me very well. Shortly after I began dating him I found out that he watches porn. He was honest about it and I didn't really say much to him. I mentioned it bothered me a little but was no big deal. More recently I found porn on his phone when I went to use it and there was a lot of it. At least 10 to 15 pictures and pages. I kind of broke down and said that it was not okay with me but that I didn't want him to stop looking at it just because I was feeling insecure. I told him that I just didn't want to see it or know about it anymore. He said he would stop looking at it, but hasn't. We have a great sex life but I can't still get past the fact that he looks at naked women. I feel like I'm not providing him with what he really wants or needs. This morning he came back from work and was really horny. We had sex and I go to check his phone-sure enough he had been looking at porn at work. I feel degraded and disgusting that he would look at that and then want to come home and have sex with me. I don't want this to be an issue when it doesn't have to be, I just don't know what else to do. He told me that I please him just fine and thats not why he looks at it but he wont tell me exactly why he looks at it. Please help!
Posts: 2 | From: Cape Cod | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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He may not know the answer, but what it probably isn't is about you not providing all his wants and needs.

It's very common for people to have sexual fantasies, and they most typically are not only going to be about the given partner they're with, no matter how they feel about them. Whether they just have that fantasy in their heads or seek it out in things like written or visual material is usually just a matter of preference. You're reality, and what someone wants and needs there is often different than what they want, need and/or enjoy in fantasy, at least to some degree.

We've written a lot about some of the issues you're having in the past, but I think this particular piece may be the most helpful, particularly around what's fair to ask of a partner and what isn't: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/pornography_strip_clubs_other_feminist_relationship_quandaries

This may also be helpful to you: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/he_only_wants_sex_with_me_after_watching_pornography

As might this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/looking_lusting_and_learning_a_straightforward_look_at_pornography

While I don't think that you can ask a partner who already uses porn and did from the start of your relationship not to -- and if it's an established habit, doing so isn't likely to change anything, save adding some guilt when they do watch it, which often only makes people feel more aroused -- I do think you could set some limits around this if you decide to stay with this person.

For instance, I think it's fair to ask that he not, basically, use porn as foreplay when he's going to be sexual with you, and that he keep his porn use separate form you sex life together in that way.

[ 01-30-2011, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sultrybabyjane26
Neophyte
Member # 54217

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Thank you for your advice and post Heather, I really appreciate it. The thing is, he knows that it bothers me and if he continues to make it known that hes using it there are going to be some issues. I feel very insecure about the situation and I need to learn how to not let his viewing of porn affect me or our relationship negatively. The funny thing is he knows something is wrong and I'm upset because hes asked me twice today if everything is alright-guess I' not too good at hiding my emotions. I wish he would keep his porn life separate from our sex life and if he doesn't then he is fully aware that he will no longer have a sex life with me.
Posts: 2 | From: Cape Cod | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I get more clear on what you want here?

Are you saying that what you want is for him to hide any use of pornography from you completely? That you accept he uses it, and is clearly going to, but want to never know he is?

Can I also ask you something bigger: are you sure you want a partner who uses pornography, on the whole, and can live with that? Do you think you might a partner who doesn't?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
heero222
Activist
Member # 27731

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You asked in your first post why he looks at porn. While I'm certainly not a mind reader, I can tell you what some major reasons are for doing so.
1. Visual Aid: Many people when they're pleasing themselves find a visual aid helpful and sometimes even necessary to finish up. So it doesn't necessarily mean he's fantasizing about the other women in fact for me I'd replace the porn stars face with my gf's and mine and imagine it was her and me doing whatever I was looking at.
2. Forbidden Fantasies: When you know your gf doesn't want to do something you want to do, next best thing is to watch others do it. This way you're not pressuring your partner to do things they're not comfortable with but at the same time you're dealing with your own desires.
3. Educational: If you're trying to find new fantasies to try with a partner, watching porn can certainly provide new ideas to try out.
4. He really does desire the porn stars, which is normal. Feeling lust is a normal response when you view someone you find appealing and the urge to mate is at its strongest when a person is young. However, lust isn't the same as an actual emotional connection. While a young guy may lust after 500 women that doesn't lessen the emotional bond with the one woman he is with if anything it shows how strong it is since he's not chasing after every pretty lady that walks by.
Before you dump him you should carefully examine what it is about what he is doing that truly bothers you that way you can deal with the actual cause and he needs to take some time to reflect on why he's doing it and tell you.

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