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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » What counts as losing it?

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Author Topic: What counts as losing it?
tbelle
Activist
Member # 32076

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I know that there is no real definition for what counts as "losing your virginity", but I'm still kind of confused.

I told my BF that I was really curious about what it felt like to have a penis inside and to be penetrated. I really am just curious...I figure I'm old enough to know at this point (I'm almost in my mid twenties).

Usually whenever I do something like this I feel incredibly horrible and guilty afterwards, so I tried to make sure that I was okay with doing this.

He was wearing a condom and he slowly put it in little by little. I'm not sure if it went all the way in. It hurt a little bit. Does this count as actually having sex?

I was not prepared for that at all, it just happened. I don't think I'm ready to have sex with this person yet, but maybe I already did?

I feel comfortable with him and we communicate about things like this openly. And I'm also just so curious, so is it really "wrong" to venture this far? I told him a little bit about how I feel, although I'm still hesitant to fully tell him everything. He said he didn't see what was wrong with just slowly "trying it".

My question is, should I feel "bad" about continuing to experiment? Or should I wait for the "right person" before I go all the way (whatever that really means). Also, I don't know when I'll find another person that I feel so comfortable with any time soon.

Also, is it okay to just use a condom? If the condom doesn't break or slip off, then the chances of pregnancy are nil, right? I really don't want to go on birth control.

Posts: 107 | From: New England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sex is more than just intercourse, period. It can be a whole lot of activities. If we want to define sex in a way which really accounts for the diversity of human sexuality, ultimately we need to define it like this:

quote:
If we say someone is having sex, or doing something sexual, we mean they are acting from their own sexuality, looking to express it in action and/or to try and actively experience or explore a feeling of general or specific sexual desire, curiosity and/or satisfaction.

When we say "sex," what we mean is any number of different things people freely choose to do to tangibly and actively express or enact their sexuality and their sexual feelings.

If "sex" was the answer, the questions would be things like "What am I doing to try and feel good sexually or to express feeling good sexually? What am I doing that feels sexual to me (or to me and a partner)? What am I doing that feels like a way to express my sexuality, or my sexual desires and/or feelings about myself or others?"

(That's from this page: What's Sex?)

Vaginal intercourse is when a penis (or something resembling one in some way, since not all partnerships have someone with a penis in them) is linked, joined with and/or entering a vagina. Depth isn't going to be sound in these definitions since the length of everyone's penis and/or vaginal canal varies, and having a penis "all the way in" isn't going to work or feel good for all bodies. I hear you describing having engaged in vaginal intercourse.

There is no "should" when it comes to how people feel about engaging in any kind of consensual sexual activity. We can't -- and won't -- tell anyone how they should feel. We also can't tell anyone what their own right sexual choices are going to be since we're all different people and what's right for one of us can be totally wrong for someone else. We don't all want the same things, share the same desires or have the same values or needs.

So, how do YOU feel? How do you feel what you're doing works with what you want, need and believe?

As to whether or not it's okay to just use condoms, that, too, depends on what's okay for you and how much protection you want. There are many methods of birth control, and they range in effectiveness. Condoms are 98% effective in perfect use and 85% effective in typical use. Do you feel like that's enough protection for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CoatRack
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

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Well, to turn this around, does it matter? You recognized at the beginning of your post that there's no definition for virginity. I'll add to that by saying that there's no card you receive in the mail saying that you aren't a virgin and in the case of future relationships I assume the discussion you will have around sex is going to entail more than "are you a virgin? yes/no."

When you have a conversation with somebody in the future about your sexual history you are not required to limit it to a few words. "I have done this, I haven't done that, this doesn't appeal to me at ALL and I really want to try this but I'm kind of nervous. What about you?"

Nobody has done EVERYTHING sexual that there is to do - there is just too much. Saying "I am not a virgin" doesn't mean anything, really. I had had sex with a lot of women, for years, before I decided to have sex with a man. And I explained that to the first guy I had sex with. So you can explain what happened in this situation to anybody you like in the future - I've done this, I haven't done that. Good communication is sexy!

The pressure to have sex in our society is super high, especially as you start to get older. Remember that it's always OK to step back and say "I know we had been doing __, but I'd rather we not for the time being." There is no rule that once you have done something you have to keep doing it. There's also no rule about having sex by a certain time or age.

Lots of people "just" use condoms, but it's always a good idea to consider backing them up. http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/birth_control_bingo is a great overview of birth control options.

ETA: Heather, you are WAY too speedy at answering questions

[ 01-15-2011, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: CoatRack ]

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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tbelle
Activist
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Thanks for the responses...that puts my mind at ease a bit.

My partner has jokingly called me "sexually repressed" because I have sexual desires but I feel guilty or hesitant about engaging in them. I guess it's something about the way I was brought up, maybe. I wish I could be "free" but I also wonder if it's something about the relationship itself that it making me feel unsure. I will just have to think about this more.

I guess, if I really did have "sex", that's kind of a shock to me. Sometimes I feel bad about having so many desires that I can't control. I wish I could wait until I met someone that I was 100% sure about having sex with. But in a way, maybe it's not that bad. Because when I meet the person that I will marry (if I do get married), I will already know what to expect from sex and I'll be more experienced. So I will already know if it's something I want to experience again or not.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, I think what we want to do is go for what we want, rather than what's "not that bad."

You have control over your sexual activity and what you choose to engage in. If your options now aren't what you think you really want, my best advice would be to nix what's not what you want and only go for, and say yes to, what you actually do.

So, if you want to wait to have sex again -- whatever kind of sex -- until it's someone you feel more certain about or that fits better with your own values and wants, then you absolutely get to do that. You say you wish you could, but you can: that's not something you need to wish for that isn't possible.

(Just FYI? Calling someone who is feeling sexual guilt or shame repressed just usually makes them feel even worse, and can put a lot of pressure on them, and then make them feel even more shame: shame for how they feel. In my book, that's just not cool. You've already voiced some things in the past that made it sound like you and this partner either aren't the best fit for each other, or that you're just not comfortable with this person. Are you sure this is a sound person for you, uniquely, to be having this kind of relationship with?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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