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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I don't think she's enjoying it...

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Author Topic: I don't think she's enjoying it...
Member # 50663

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Okay... i've never really discussed this openly before, let alone on the internet so please be kind.

let me start out with the basics.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years on January 3rd. We are very much in love, and I want to be with her always, and she feels the same about me. There's only one place I feel our relationship falls short, the bedroom. We've been making love for about a year and a half, she's never orgasmed, and only about 20% of the time does she seem to be enjoying it. Conversely, I feel satisfactory almost 95% of the time.

I desperately want her to experience the pleasure I have the privilege of feeling, and believe me I've tried, but i keep meeting barriers every time I try and follow another's advice.
1. Let her masturbate - she sometimes might a little, but only when i'm there, and never longer than two minutes. she thinks its kinda weird.
2. Duration is the key - For once, there isn't the problem of the guy being too quick. I'm able to control myself and avoid climaxing too early, but she can only have sex for ~15 minutes before becoming dry and consequently, hurt. We got some KY (that's actually helping quite a bit) but this problem persists.
3. Talk to her - this one is the hardest, she does not enjoy talking about sex in any manner. Occasionally I'll try and get her into a conversation about what turns her on, what she would like and every time I get hit with a wall of "I don't know what I like." even if it's something as simple as kissing, she refuses to openly tell me anything she might like (although I've discovered a few by happy-accident)

Problem 3 is the biggest... I'm left with no material to work with, no platform on which to begin exploring. Throwing darts at a wall isn't working to well either. But I think I may have recently stumbled upon the root of the problem, and it's not an easy one to tackle.

I think she has some self-image problems. She doesn't seem to think that she's a beautiful person (contrary to her belief, she's the most beautiful girl in the world, but she doesn't see this). When asked, she'll say she's not beautiful and name several parts of her appearance and her relative unhappiness with them. She's not one of those 'omg fab-diets and celeb magazine' girls, so I'm having some real difficulty seeing where all this negative self-image is coming from. I also think that, because of this, she doesn't see herself as a sexual being. I don't think she's very comfortable in her body, and as a result she rarely initiates anything (from making out to intercourse).

Do you think working on these image-issues would help her get more pleasure from sex? Or is there another root to the problem I may be missing. Is there anything I can do to help her? Thoughts? Opinions? Advice would be awesome.

(PS sorry if I posted in wrong forum, i'm new here)

Posts: 2 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Welcome to ST, DMurphy!

I'm going to try and tackle some of what you've posted here, but I want to let you know up front that there is only so much good it will do if you and I theorize on here about what may or may not be going on: ultimately, this is about your girlfriend. Us talking about her is not likely to yield very many results. So, if she feels that she's not enjoying sex, then we'd be happy to talk to her about that here. But assuming that that's going on, and then hashing it out without her here, isn't terribly productive.

So, let's start with the basics. You say she "seems" to not be enjoying this. Have you asked her whether or not she enjoys it? Have you two had any conversations about your likes and dislikes?

Second, I get the feeling that when you talk about "sex", you're talking about intercourse only. If you have the expectation that your girlfriend should be able to experience orgasm from intercourse (or that, if she doesn't, it means she's not enjoying it), then that's something you should try and get beyond. For MOST women, intercourse alone will not bring them to orgasm. Most women need different kinds of stimulation, and often some type of clitoral stimulation, to reach orgasm.

So, how are you two doing with other types of sex? Oral sex? Manual sex? Engaging in any of those? How have those been working for you?

Lastly, I feel a lot of anxiety coming from you. You say you're "desperate" to get her to experience pleasure, you've asked around for advice from friends about this, and you've obviously invested a lot of thought into what might be going wrong. And if I can feel that just from reading what you've written here, I wonder how much of that your girlfriend is feeling. And if there's one thing that can kill your arousal and prevent you experiencing pleasure, it's feeling like you HAVE to orgasm to please someone else. Pressure is a pleasure-killer. So, if you two are having sex with the aim of getting her to climax, then that's not going to get you two very far: that's not how pleasure works.

So, what YOU can do to help here, is to dial down some of the anxiety and the pressure. The aim of sex should be that all people involved have fun and experience pleasure. Whether or not orgasm happens, or whether or not it happens with a given activity, should NOT be a concern.

And that's about all I think I can leave you with for right now. Again, without your partner here to tell us what SHE thinks, I'd really just be helping you throwing darts at that wall.

In the meantime, I think it might be a good start if you two started talking more about what's going on. This article could help you there:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[ 12-12-2010, 03:49 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48638

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If your intuition says it's her body image, it probably is. I'm guessing this is how her image is affecting things: she wants you to be utterly satisfied with your sexual relationship, and because she doesn't feel attractive, she fears she isn't making you as turned-on or fulfilled in bed as you deserve to be.

She can't focus on her own pleasure when she's thinking things like, "He deserves someone more attractive than me!" Obviously that's not true- you think she's gorgeous- but negative body image is a stubborn thing to eradicate.

Also, because she already feels guilty about her imagined lack of sex appeal, she only feels worse when you express your intention to please her- she doesn't feel she's done anything to deserve sexual "favors."

You want to please her as much as she wants to please you. You both end up trying to give, and neither one of you receives, so both of you feel like your generosity is being thwarted. Here's my solution. Accept what she wants to give... with gusto. Always make sure she's comfortable, but forget being so centered on her pleasure for a while- she won't consider what she likes until she feels she can be a "sexual being" as you say.

You've probably told her she's beautiful until the cows came home. But sometimes compliments can come off as- well, favors. She senses your chivalry and convinces herself that you don't necessarily think what you're saying is 100% true. There are a few ways to circumvent this.

First, make your compliments very specific. I can't think of anything not-cheesy off the top of my head [Razz] , but I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding little traits to notice when your girl is around. Say what it is and exactly why you like it. She may be able to argue with subjective cultural hogwash like "beautiful," but not so when you mention the unique tilt of her collarbone (or whatever it is you like.)

Second, add "I" to your compliments. It shows that you, personally, are taking a stand! This is also important because she'll feel like you're appreciating her physical appearance, and once she knows she's a bombshell in your eyes, she won't be so hard on herself. And hopefully her body confidence will become more self-sufficient from there as time goes on, and she'll realize she doesn't have to be modelesque for you to be madly attracted to her.

Looks aren't everything. Actually, desirability and conventional good looks don't even have to be connected, because desirability is subjective. So instead of only complimenting her conventional glamour, tell her why you personally are attracted to her. I think she's under the impression that all guys want a Hollywood starlet type... find some way to assure her she's wrong, and that there's at least one guy (you!) who wants nothing more than her type. Even if she does look like a Hollywood starlet. Just love on her idiosyncrasies. [Smile]

Let her know why she drives you wild, and that you're super into her emotionally AND physically. She'll feel more at ease about her role in the bedroom once she realizes, yes, you are utterly besotted with her as a sexual partner! I'd be willing to bet that when her self-confidence increases, she'll feel a lot more accepting of her own sexuality.

Once she relaxes, she'll be able to enjoy herself a hundred times as much.

And if I'm totally on the wrong track, the worst that can happen is your girlfriend gets her body image boosted.


Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 50663

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Thanks for your tips. here's a quick little update.

@September: no, I realized long ago that pressure quickly kills the mood so I haven't been doing that. We frequently do manual sex. We had a bit of a talk, and I think we both feel the pressures been left out quite a bit.

@Luanne: " she only feels worse when you express your intention to please her" this is EXACTLY what happens, I'll take a good look at your advice.

Thank you both.

Posts: 2 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 51174

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I think I'm really similar to your girlfriend! I feel uncomfortable with masturbation and I always have issues talking to my boyfriend about "what feels good" & etc. He tells me I'm beautiful but I always assume he's just saying that because he's my boyfriend.
I know one thing for us is that if I don't want to fool around or I don't enjoy it then that makes him feel like I don't love him as much, but for me it's the opposite. It's weird, but I think I actually wanted to fool around with him MORE when he did NOT seem to want to. When he is the one starting it every time then I start to feel like he ONLY loves me BECAUSE we do that kind of stuff... which makes me hate doing it.

Posts: 4 | From: u.s. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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