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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Girlfriend scared about sex

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Author Topic: Girlfriend scared about sex
fireflyboy
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Both me and my girlfriend are virgins, and we were discussing our future etc etc, anyways the topic came onto sex and I was curious what she thought about it, and she said she was scared about it, hence why I haven't tried it with her since we have been dating.

I know there's no definite answer for everyone, but any advice on how someone in her position might overcome their fears??

And please, don't give me negative feedback, it always seems when I ask questions that someone gives me negative feedback

Edit: In terms of advice, if you have any similar experiences that you think are relevant, please post it.

[ 08-22-2010, 06:44 AM: Message edited by: fireflyboy ]

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Stephanie_1
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Not sure what you mean by negative feedback in terms of this question - but I'm actually going to do something I often don't like to. I'm going to answer your question for right now with a question. Did you all talk about *what* scares her about sex? It will be easier for us all to address this knowing what it is that scares her. Is it all types of sex? What she feels it'll do to the relationship? Worrying about pregnancy and STI risks? Or is she more worried about whether it'll be painful? Everyone has reasons for fear they hold, and knowing what it is specifically that's scaring a person can be most helpful in finding ways to help them work through that fear.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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fireflyboy
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That I don't know yet, but, if the right moment occurs when we can discuss it, I will, and if i'm still unsure, i'll post that here.
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Stephanie_1
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Okay. Good luck [Smile]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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fireflyboy
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Ok from what I found out, it comes down to 2 things.

1. Because of her upbringing she feels slightly uncomfortable to be 100% nude (which I can't do much about as far as I know)

2. She isn't sure what to expect (also she has a very low pain tolerance so that sure isn't going to help)

Sort of off-topic but also on-topic, she has mentioned to me, she has had dreams about having sex with me and she has mentioned she would like to have sex, she just feels a bit afraid of those things.

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peterscutelittlegiggler
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To be honest, I was scared about those things when my boyfriend and I started to discuss having sex. (We've been sexually active for about a year now.)

My greatest fear was the pain. Every girl experiences different amounts of pain the first time they have sex and this can depend on how nervous and anxious they are. When a girl is anxious and nervous its difficult for them to become naturally lubricated, as well as relax their muscles, making it difficult for the guy to penetrate. I wasn't very well lubricated and relaxed when my boyfriend first tried to penetrate me, which in turn caused me a bit of pain.

It is important assure her that you will stop at anytime that she doesn't feel comfortable or is experiencing any pain, as well as letting her know that you can stop and start at any time she feels comfortable to continue. This will help alleviate some of her worry.

During my first time my boyfriend and I actually ended up stopping and starting a numerous of times when i began to feel uncomfortable. He kept holding me and comforting me to make sure I was relaxed. He also made sure that I was lubricated enough. Using bottle of lube definitely helped. We applied some every couple of 10 min and took it really slow. He also made sure he was going at a speed that was comfortable enough for me.

As for feeling uncomfortable about being 100% nude, it takes alot of time and trust to finally be able to do that. From a personal point of view I feel more comfortable having nude sex in a bed with blankets around me. When there's times I don't feel comfortable to be completely nude I might wear a night dress or a tshirt.


Just a question as well...have you talked about a specific position you'd want to try the first time?

I hope my info has helped :]

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^ ^
(='.'=)

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BriAnne86
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I am actually in this position now. I am a virgin and now that I'm with someone I feel I actually would want to have sex with, I still find myself a bit anxious about it. It's like I want to do it, but fear of the "unknown" makes it a bit nerve-wracking!

I also am very modest and feel really self-conscious being naked in front of someone, even if I'm comfortable around them. The weird part is that my upbringing didn't have anything to do with it...it's just how I am. My bf on the other hand, is totally comfortable being naked in front of me.

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fireflyboy
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Thank you for your replies, I guess it's just a case of discussing everything with her so she knows everything that's relevant, and when it comes to it, going at her pace and how she feels comfortable.

It's just a matter of time for some people so I guess it's just when you decide to BriAnne86, there's no harm in taking things slowly, in fact, sometimes its usually better. As people are always telling me, good things come to those who wait [Smile]

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BriAnne86
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I think so too. I mean sometimes I feel a little bit weird being almost 24 and a virgin still...I never thought I would be at this point to be honest. But on the other hand, there's no timetable for things like this. I figure when it's meant to happen and the time is right, then it will. [Smile]

Luckily, the new guy seems to be understanding (though he's not a virgin) and isn't making me feel pressured. I think that helps.

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Love to love
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Well I would like to put in my own advice. I was 18, nearly 19 when I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. And I had waited much longer than most people to have sex. I was very afraid for mulitple reasons, pregnancy, and I was so afraid that sex would ruin things. I was afraid that after I had sex with him I would lose him, like something would go wrong and I would lose him. I know its something no one would ever know it was going to happen, if it were to happen at all, I was just afraid. But when the time came he was really sweet and went really slow for me. He wasn't a virgin and he never pressured me, he waited seven months, which is a lot more than some people are willing to wait.

I'm not saying my reason I was scared is the same as hers, but I just wanted to share.

and BriAnne I give you major props! [Smile]

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Cian
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And just to throw in my two cents.
It was a lot easier for me to feel comfortable having sex nude with my partner after we'd acquainted each other to each other's bodies without sexual intent, ie. start off with not wearing pants around each other, or just cuddle in our underwear etc. This was a very gradual process and we took our time with this. It might not be for everyone, but I thought I'd share.
It's kind of funny, we can easily hang out casually, naked. [Smile]

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BriAnne86
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Good point Cian, haha.

That's going to be much harder for me to do than for my bf...he has no issues being naked! lol
But it's logical that if you can get comfortable being "exposed" around someone then it will be that much easier to take it to the next level.

It's kind of like how people enter a swimming pool...some people take the "just JUMP!" method and others start at their toes and take it one inch of skin at a time until they're in the water...I'm definitely the second type, haha.

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music2myears612
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everyone is different and their is no shame whatsoever in being 24 and a virgin, everyone does things at their own pace and own time and when you feel comfortable and ready. If you haven't found the right guy yet why would you give something like that up? It's important for both partners to be communicating with eachother and be patient and being nude in front of someone can definitely be scary and nerve wracking at first but you just gotta take your time.
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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by music2myears612:
everyone is different and their is no shame whatsoever in being 24 and a virgin, everyone does things at their own pace and own time and when you feel comfortable and ready.

Indeed. Up until recently I was as well, and I'm also 24. I didn't just want to go to a bar and hook up with a random girl. I wanted to be with someone I genuinely loved and I was willing to wait as long as that took.
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OWL Dan
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Fireflyboy, I take it that this is the girlfriend from your other posts. Have you both decided on and started BC?
One suggestion I have for both of you, about her being uncomfortable being completely nude, is to slowly try ‘seeing each other’ prior to the time you’re ready for vaginal intercourse. This way both of you can learn to be comfortable with this situation so it shouldn’t spoil your “first time”. I have also added a couple of links that may be helpful.


From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

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Dan

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Ketrel
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I have a few tips that helped me if you wish. As far as the seeing each other part. I am very self conscious about people seeing me as I'm a bit overweight.

I was able to get past this by doing a game of truth or dare with my girlfriend. This had a few benefits. The dares obviously led to undressing, but the truths helped me to ask questions to learn more things that wouldn't normally be easy to bring up out of nowhere.

Also, if you both are of age, one or two drinks might help calm your nerves a bit. (When I say this, I do not mean get drunk. I seriously mean one or two maximum. )

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Carpe Diem
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Drinking before engaging in sex can often really impair judgment.

Ketrel: I know you said stick to one or two drinks, but when people are nervous, it often doesn't end with just one or two, and that can sometimes lead to decisions being made that can later be regretted

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"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

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OWL Dan
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I like the idea of trying to find a fun way to work through the nudity issue, making it a game could help!

When it comes to having drinks though, I believe in a having clear mind when working through issues because it may have better, trustable, and longer lasting results. With a clear mind you can know that your choices and decisions are yours and ‘not the alcohol’. Alcohol can not only impair your judgment, it can also impair your physical responses and possibly ‘spoil’ the activities too.

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Dan

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Ketrel
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I definitely agree. That's why I was only recommending the one or two.

Though I feel I should've elaborated a bit. When I went with that method, both me and my girlfriend went into it knowing why were were having a few, which was to help calm nerves. Literally two beers a piece is all we had. So yes, if you do go that route, make sure you both agree ahead of time why you're drinking a bit so there could be no doubt in either of your mind after if it was you or the alcohol.

Once again though, I'm not saying get drunk, just a small amount to help remove the complete panic which I know I was feeling in the situation and I'd imagine is the same here.

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Heather
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Yeah, we're just not going to be able to get on board with that one as an org for a handful of reasons, including that while alcohol may loosen inhibitions, when it comes to sex, it also hamstrings a lot of sexual response, which kind of defeats the point all by itself.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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