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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Issues...

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Author Topic: Issues...
Anon648
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First off let me say that I am rather nervous about posting this on here in the first place. But I don't have anyone to talk to really about sex other than my gf and the issue is with her right now and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it. (more on that later...)

I love my gf. I find her fairly attractive and we have been together for almost a year now. Sex for me has been rather... unfortunate. I have discussed some problems with her in the past and some have been resolved but this main issue still stands and it is starting to become a MAJOR issue.

She can not get me to cum. Handjobs, blowjobs, or regular sex positions where she has control. I have to do all the work or else I can't get off. I have to be on top on the positions and I typically wear myself out reaching a climax and sometimes I wear myself out so much that I can't reach a climax. It is impossible for me to just relax and enjoy the feeling (which I would really like to do) because I have to do all this work...

We have only tried a couple of positions, but out of the ones we have tried when she is on top, I just can't feel anything. I dont know if it is her movements or if she is too loose from having her kid (not mine). I dont know what to do about this...

I have sorta addressed this issue with her. Not in full because when ever I start to talk about this she gets really depressed about sex because she feels she doesnt do a good enough job. And this is even worse because she is rather paranoid about me running off to another girl due to her past relationships.

I have tried telling her what feels good and doesnt, and she actually doesnt go down on me anymore (according to her) because I dont go down on her... Which is because there have been some issues... Anyway, There is no real foreplay that benefits me, but I will finger her and I can always get her to orgasm... I just don't know what to do and unfortunately sex is starting to feel like a real chore. Why would I try having sex with her when I can just masturbate and have the same if not better result easier. [Confused]

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Heather
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When was her childbirth? Just FYI, having a child doesn't make the vagina permanently "loose." It can cause some temporary issues, but usually those are temporary.

Can I also ask if you have had satisfying sexual interactions with other partners in the past? Does SHE feel satisfied with your sex life herself (because it sounds like there are some things she feels she needs she isn't getting either)?

Is it possible you two just aren't sexually compatible, and might be best in a relationship that isn't a sexual one, like a platonic friendship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anon648
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2 Years ago. So, she is not loose then...

And I haven't had other partners in the past... She has been my first...

And I have no idea if she feels satisfied... I haven't really been able to talk to her about any of this.

And I don't know about the platonic friendship.. Our relationship is rocky as is and I don't really see how you can have a deep relationship with someone without the sex. Especially when I want it as often as I do. I think it would lead me to cheat honestly...

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Heather
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There really is no way to even get started on dealing with this without talking about it, honestly on both of your parts. If the communication around this is totally broken and vamoose, then this is going to stay this way, potentially get worse, and other parts of your relationship will also undoubtedly take a hit.

Since you haven't had other partners before, I would be sure that both in your own head and your talks you recognize that while right now, this IS an issue with the two of you, you might very well have the same kinds of issues with other partners. You just can't know if this is just about her body specifically since she's been your only partner.

Now, I don't buy that you can't have a relationship of depth with someone without sex. For instance, I have some very close friendships in my life that aren't sexual, and an extremely deep relationship with one of my parents.

As well, I wasn't suggesting that you agree to stay in a sexual relationship and just nix sex. I was suggesting you might want to consider -- and this might be something else to talk about together -- that you two might be better suited to not be in a sexual relationship or have any expectation of one at all. maybe that means shifting to a friendship, maybe that would mean creating an open relationship, who knows.

But again, you two are going to have to talk about all of this, and in-depth, including asking is SHE is unsatisfied as well. If you just feel like that's impossible, then you are going to have to accept that the relationship is so broken in this respect, and maybe others, that it may just be over. We just can't have truly intimate relationships and healthy without open and honest communication, especially those that last more than a few days or weeks.

P.S. Her feeling "loose" to you may be because she isn't all that excited anymore or is unhappy, or because neither of you is all that excited about the sex you are having or the relationship overall, which you say is admittedly rocky and noncommunicative. While lack of arousal can makes a vagina feel "tight" arousal is also what gets everything swollen with blood, too. Or, it might be that that position just isn't right for your two unique bodies. But it sounds like this is about WAY more than how her vagina feels to you, anyway. On the whole, it sounds a lot like both of you have not been enjoying or feeling good about most kinds of sex you have been having.

[ 05-21-2010, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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By the way, you may find this helpful to loo at before you get started talking: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anon648
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I wasn't so much saying that I couldn't have a deep relationship.. just that I couldn't have a deep closed relationship with just her... I would want to do something to relieve my sexual tension and I can't under her standards... I can't look at porn or anything. I'm basically restricted to just thinking about her when I masturbate.....

And yes I know the communication is broken in our relationship. I have been trying to fix that for a while now.. But I was hoping I could at least fix this aspect of our relationship while we worked on the other. I can understand how this would be rather difficult if we can't communicate.

I was just looking for some suggestions to help I guess. I was really hoping to hear a response that was different from what I expected to hear... :/

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Heather
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I forgot to add something else, in response to this:

quote:
Why would I try having sex with her when I can just masturbate and have the same if not better result easier?
For most people, that answer is because sex with a partner is different than alone because of the emotional, intellectual and interpersonal interaction with someone else.

In other words, for plenty of people, sex-as-product -- as you say, 'the result" or for orgasm alone -- can be identical alone or with a partner, or both be different, but equally enjoyable. But the motivation for the two usually has one big difference, which is that sex with a partner is something someone chooses when they want more than orgasm or just to get off (even though masturbation can also offer other things than just those). It's about enjoying the whole process of sex with a partner, even if and when one or both people don't reach orgasm.

Obviously, all of that is going to depend on if two people really like being together, sexually and otherwise, and if on any two people enjoy the whole of having sex together, which can certainly include orgasm and getting to that, but is usually about a much bigger picture.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Honestly, fixing your sex life wouldn't just be difficult without communicating together about it: it would be impossible.

So, do you want to talk about how to HAVE that communication? Are you very happy in the relationship otherwise? I ask that because obviously, if you're not happy in this on the whole, and the communication feels unfixable or like something you want to avoid, it might be sound to talk through why you or she wants to stay in this relationship and if you think that's the best choice for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I do want to make clear that all of these:

quote:
I would want to do something to relieve my sexual tension and I can't under her standards... I can't look at porn or anything. I'm basically restricted to just thinking about her when I masturbate.....
...suggest yet more really problematic dynamics. A partner trying to police what goes on in another partner's head sexually just is not part of a healthy relationship.

[ 05-21-2010, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anon648
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I know how to have that communication. I have read the article you posted above and have talked to relationship counselors about it.

The difference is when it happens. Instead of the other listening we get really defensive and start to debate about the issue... (I am just as guilty of this as her..)

I feel like our relationship is broken... I hate that I can't talk to her about what bothers me. We got into another fight today. I feel like I can't approach her about these things without being defensive... The last time I approached her just wanting to talk did not turn out well.. I'm still fairly scared from that...

I want to stay in this relationship. I love her and it really upsets me that this is happening... I am at a loss as for what to do. Also at this point we are not really discussing sex so I understand if this is not in your area of expertise...

About her policing my thoughts... I don't have a choice.. she considers it cheating... In all her previous relationships she has been cheated on and she is deeply paranoid about it.

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Heather
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So, do you feel like you can both make an effort and some big agreements to try and communicate very differently? Do you think that could happen if you both did that, each understanding that until you can, your relationship is pretty doomed?

If not, are both of you willing and able to start relationship counseling so you have someone to moderate those conversations and help you both to do that?

I can certainly help with talking about anything in relationships, not just sex. But you came here posting about sexual problems, so this is one of the things you'd need to be talking about if you are going to continue to have a sexual relationship.

I also ant to make clear that you DO have a choice: we all have choices in relationships. In this case, your choice may be to not enter into or stay in a relationship where someone asks that of you, mind, but if you choose to agree to that, that is a choice, know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anon648
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I don't know to be honest. I want to say yes but that doesn't mean that we will be able to. We barely have any time to ourselves to talk. Due to her having a kid, the vast majority of her time is spent with him and as such very little time is made for us...

As such, while I would love to have someone that we could have as a moderator, It is impossible due to lack of time.

as for the choice I understand what you mean but I don't really agree with it... If we cut out sex my sexual tension will go up. It pretty much changes the whole situation upon what I agreed / choose.

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Heather
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If you two were not in a sexual relationship, you would have the option of having another or other sexual partners. THAT is what I was suggesting. Of course, while the sex is so bad for you both, it likely also is not helpful to keep having it until you can get some of this resolved and make some changes. Really bad sex doesn't tend to help anyone relieve sexual tension, after all, and continuing bad patterns tends to be bad for relationships.

If there is very little time to communicate at all, then again, this is something where you're going to need to figure out a way to make some changes so that that does not stay the case. Maybe one way to start is to use the time you have had for sex to TALKING through all of this, and working on how to communicate well, rather than in the bad patterns you have now.

I'm not sure what answers you were expecting, but the truth is that creating and maintaining healthy relationships takes time, effort and honesty. repairing a relationship that is going south, or has gone south in some ways, tends to take even more time and effort. If one or both of you don't have that, then it may be that this isn't the right time or place for this depth of relationship for one or both of you right now. For sure, there are times in our lives when any of us may be spread too thin for a serious relationship: it's not like it's always the right time, or like people are always in the right headspace, either.

I know it's possible none of this is what you want to hear, but I know of no magic to just fix things like this without a lot of honest and open communication, and plenty of time, patience, flexibility and effort on both sides.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anon648
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Thanks.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You're welcome. Do you feel like you have some places to start now, even just in your own thoughts, as well as with communicating?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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