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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » You thought you were ready, but...

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Author Topic: You thought you were ready, but...
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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...found out, after the fact, that you really weren't.

If you're someone who has had experiences where you felt like you were ready for sex (of any kind) with someone or at a given time, but after making the choice to, found out you really weren't, want to talk about why that was?

In other words, was it that there was something to be ready for you didn't anticipate? Did some part of sex make clear to you that while you thought you were ready, you found out you weren't? Did something happen you didn't even realize could or might be a factor?

Or, maybe you thought a partner was ready but found out they really were not. That'd be great to talk about, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
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The first type of sex I tried was oral. That I was sort of ready for. I was really young then though, I knew what it was but,that was the only thing I knew about it. After this, I couldn't say no to men. It wasn't until a couple years later that I figured out I was ready for it. I wasn't ready because being ready is also being able to say no.

This leads me to vaginal sex,I was ready because by then I've been mistreated by men and figured that choosing to have sex is better than getting raped by these men. This isn't readiness at all. I felt guilty, used and just aweful.

Now a days, I think about my actions before I do them and make sure it is something that I want and is ready for. [Smile]

[ 05-16-2010, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(Amber, that's some very intense honesty, there. Thanks for being so real!)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lilerse
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Like bookworm, the first type of sex I tried was oral and I had a lot of trouble saying no for quite awhile. I apparently couldn't say no to intercourse, either, but fortunately my BODY did, and wouldn't let me have intercourse until several months later - with the right person.
For my first few months of being sexually active (mostly oral with a few attempts at intercourse), I had [often alcohol-induced] hookups with guys I didn't know very well and who tended to only see me as a sex object and not be interested in more than my body.
Unfortunately, even though I knew in my mind that a hookup was all it was going to be, I usually ended up developing crushes on these guys. And I'd pine for them and obsess over them and I'd hate myself that I wasn't good enough to be their girlfriend. I felt like the only thing I had going for me was my body; that that was all they thought I had to give them - or at least all they wanted. That really hurt. And in that respect I definitely wasn't ready. It was my first semester of college, I'd had very little experience with guys before this, and I really had no idea what I was doing.

I also wasn't ready because I didn't insist we use condoms (except for the attempted intercourse). Even though I thought I was oh so educated about sex, and I knew STIs could be spread through oral, I for some reason trusted that I wasn't going to get anything. I was incredibly lucky that the only consequences of my actions were emotional, but I definitely put myself at risk for STIs multiple times.

Fortunately at this point I don't regret almost any of what I did (again I got lucky there weren't any long-term consequences like STIs!), because I definitely feel like I learned a lot and grew from it. The only event that still leaves me a bit traumatized is one night where I was severely pressured and really did not want to do what I was doing.
But again I feel like most of the experiences taught me something and helped me grow. At this point I've learned, for myself, to separate emotions from sex and not get attached to guys I hook up with. I don't feel used anymore. I don't feel like I'm just GIVING guys something; I feel like it's equal. I'm not using sex to feel desired or hope for something more than a hookup if that's unlikely to happen. I also won't go down on a guy unless I know he's been tested and has no STIs.

I feel like I've emotionally matured a lot since those first few months, but back then, I was not emotionally mature enough to be getting so intensely sexually involved with these guys. I thought I was ready - I was 17 and then 18, I was in college (where everyone is so grownup, of course [Razz] ), I figured I'd waited years and years to finally get attention from guys and I should fully embrace it. I was impatient and overly excited. I was naive. But I know now that age really doesn't have much to do with it; everyone emotionally matures at a different age. It would have been wiser, and I would've had a lot less heartbreak and tear-filled nights, if I had taken things more slowly.

[ 05-16-2010, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: Lilerse ]

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Gingerbread
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Until my sophomore year of high school, all I had done was kiss. I started hanging out with a guy that was the drummer for pit band with my show choir, and we hung out all the time and talked about everything. we were really close, and very good friends. I thought. one day we went for a walk, and he kissed me. i was confused but also kinda happy, i had never really made out with a guy before. nothing happened for a few months except that we still hung out and talked a lot, and flirted. every so often he'd put his arm around me. in the summer, we were watching a movie with a couple friends and snuggling under a blanket, and he started feeling over my bra a little. this was really exciting for me. we talked more and decided to try being more than friends. i was so into him, i let him talk me into doing all kinds of things i knew i wasnt ready for. some of it was curiosity, some was attraction, but even at the time i knew i was doing it to make him happy. i didnt want him to leave me. i look back now and wonder exactly what i was thinking. even though we were friends, he had a reputation for manipulating and using girls. he just seemed so genuine with me, i got tricked very easily. it became clear that he wasn't interested in a relationship, and i got my heart broken. he had convinced me that we were "secretly" together. i had kept it from all of my friends, and when my best friend (who was also in love with me) found out, he was heartbroken. when we started dating (because of course we did!), i felt ashamed that this other guy had pressured me into doing so much with him, using the fact that he knew how I felt about him. physical things were never something i had taken lightly, and looking back, i wished i could have been able to share my first intimate experiences with my now boyfriend (and still very best friend). i had sex for the first time with him, and it meant so much. to both of us. everything i do with him feels so right, so different than it did with my "friend". sometimes i really wish i could take it back and give it all to him. physical intimacy shouldnt be something you have to be talked or manipulated into.
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Lilerse
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I totally agree that physical intimacy shouldn't be something you have to be talked into, and I can also relate to the whole being tricked/manipulated.
I thought of something else to add to my post - another thing I learned from my experiences is not to judge. I used to be a lot more narrow-minded about hookups, drinking, "that kind of girl," etc. But then I became "that kind of girl," and realized I really needed to stop judging people. I realized that being pressured or manipulated into sex could even happen to me. And that I could relate to other people better after I'd had those experiences. Hooking up with guys was never something I'd expected to do, but I now know that anything can happen, and that people - including me - can change. (not trying to suggest that hooking up means you were pressured; I've hooked up from being pressured as well as from making a conscious decision that was right for me. They're two different things for sure) I know now that I'm not "above" anyone, including girls who give into pressure. So that's another positive thing I got out of these not-so-great experiences: understanding.

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Gingerbread
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I've definitely learned a lot more about not judging as well. I have one friend that has always been more... open than I am. She would even tell me that I needed to stop being such a prude, stuff like that. I always kind of scoffed at her, like "Oh laura kissed another guy, what am I going to do with her?" But after that whole fiasco I went through, and also losing my virginity before she did (albeit with an amazing guy whom I love very very much), I have to remind myself not to look at her like that any more. She never did anything wrong, it just wasn't something I would see myself doing until I did it, you know?
Posts: 44 | From: United States | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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