Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » help :( no sex=angry

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: help :( no sex=angry
ErinElaine
Neophyte
Member # 45829

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinElaine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I get so angry when I don't get sex! Why?!

Do I need to find a way to get my mind off of sex?
It seems like I could so easily avoid feeling this way by just being patient, but it happens every time. I become so irritable. All I want is sex. =(

oh and I need to mention that I have never put anything into my vagina on my own besides a tampon, and I don't feel comfortable masturbating like that (by stickin' stuff up in me), so i only get real good feeling/orgasm with my boyfriend. :<
that's why I need these angry feelings to go away.

Posts: 14 | From: Texas | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gingerbread
Activist
Member # 45944

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Gingerbread     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't really understand what you're saying. You mean you get angry when your boyfriend doesn't have sex with you? And by sex, you mean vaginal intercourse?
Posts: 44 | From: United States | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Getting angry when sex doesn't happen or a partner isn't feeling it is certainly something to look into and evaluate.

Honestly, these feelings probably aren't about a lack of orgasm or about not having a specific kind of sex, physiologically. While certainly, orgasm can improve mood and physical affection -- of all kinds -- is a basic human need, if not having one kind of sex happen is creating anger for you, that's about something emotional, not something physically. We can get a similar kind of release we get with orgasm with exercise, for instance, and a similar kind of need for affection met with all kinds of touch.

So, my suggestion would be to take this to a therapist or counselor. Particularly given some of what you have said in previous posts -- like this http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/2/t/012622/p/1.html#000000 -- it sounds like there also may be some dynamics in this specific relationship you could use someone skilled to evaluate. Anger that is not being managed well or is being misappropriated seems to be a prevailing theme.

Just a PS? Most women either don't masturbate by inserting things into the vagina or by doing that alone. As well, when you're talking about genital stimulation, most women do NOT reach orgasm through intercourse alone. You may be in that minority, or find you only like intercourse yourself, but chances are that that isn't the only way you can or will ever be able to reach orgasm, just so you know.

Again, this is another thing that makes me feel like it's pretty clear this is not likely about your body or your physiology, but about something that may be entirely emotional or interpersonal. So, please do consider connecting with a therapist. In the meantime, you may also find that until you resolve this, it might also be sound to think about stepping back from a sexual relationship, since one where there's so much anger in various parts (per your other posts) is unlikely to be healthy for anyone involved.

[ 05-09-2010, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinElaine
Neophyte
Member # 45829

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinElaine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
yikes, i'm never specific enough in my post, I am so sorry. I have a mindset that makes me think long post are a bother to others. [Razz]

by sex, i mean dry sex, oral, fingering that leads to orgasm (b/c were actually waiting for intercourse). i should have included that, I'm so sorry.

I realize that my irritability was more likey emotional than physical. I guess i was hoping for some pointers on how I could easly avoid being angry by just thinking differ ently.-more maturely.
thanks for the concern though.

I should add that I would masturbate afterwards and not be angry anymore. I do get "orgasms" when I masturbate, but they are not too orgasmic... b/c i've been masturbating since I was too little to understand, so i get slightly different feelings from it.

I realize that my relationship seems to be awful by what I'm writing, but our regualar arguments tend to stem from things like insecurity or jealously or being judgmental, so, we communicate a lot about it, and I think those fights are normal especially when I can see that we are compatible enough to where getting into fights is just something that happens sometimes.

Posts: 14 | From: Texas | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In all honesty, fighting, arguing and being angry all or much of the time, and a lot of jealousy really ISN'T normal in a healthy partnership. It's normal in dysfunctional or abusive relationships, but not in healthy ones.

As well, most people started masturbating as children, even though a lot of people don't remember it. I'm not sure what you mean by your own masturbatory orgasms being "not too orgasmic," but I assume you mean you experience what feel like stronger orgasms with a partner. That may be because what a partner is doing physically works better for you, and/or because the emotional aspect of sex with a partner tends to be heightened. All the same, getting angry all the time if and when sex isn't happening or you can't have it when you want suggests something is wrong here.

With all this anger stuff, I'd again suggest you look into some counseling. Anger has come up as an issue in almost all of the few posts you have made here, so it's clearly something you need good help addressing and managing.

We can't really avoid feeling something that we feel. But what we can do with feelings, of whatever kind, is learn to recognize where they're coming from and learn sound ways to manage those feelings. Additionally, if we find we're perpetually sad or angry, upset in some way, in or around a given relationship, we can evaluate that to either make changes in the relationship with a partner, or consider that a given relationship where all those bad feelings keep happening might not be a right one for us.

[ 05-10-2010, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinElaine
Neophyte
Member # 45829

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinElaine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
oh and I'm on my period, lol, I totally forgot.

If I asked, he would finger me even while I was on my period, but.. I feel bad asking for that. Like I choose waiting over asking him to do that.

uhhhh I wasn't trying to say that we fight all the time, I was just saying that we go through bouts of arguing- usually due to both of us being stressed over outside things. I was just saying that nobody is perfect, and so I figured that it was normal for one to feel mad at the other person sometimes. ??? we are still always there for each other to make the other feel better.

I just don't know how to get sex off of my mind. =(

Posts: 14 | From: Texas | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
If I asked, he would finger me even while I was on my period, but.. I feel bad asking for that. Like I choose waiting over asking him to do that.
I'm confused by this and not sure what you mean.

No, nobody is perfect, and it is normal for people to feel mad at each other sometimes, But in healthy relationships, we also work hard to manage our own feelings and work through conflict in a healthy way, which ideally is without fighting. In a healthy relationship, fighting should be rare, not any kind of pattern.

I don't know how many more times I can suggest this, but you're asking for suggestions of what can help, and I keep suggesting some counseling for you, which I think is your best bet. Counseling can ideally help you not only figure why you're feeling like not having sex is something that instigates anger, but can help you manage that anger and, hopefully, in figuring out how you're probably mis-assigning it to sex, help you change that pattern.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
FYI, I'm not sure why you're saying you're on your period. I assumed from what you said in your first post here this was something that happens a lot and frequently because you said, "I get so angry when I don't get sex!" That sounded to me like this has been ongoing, not just something happening right now, or when you have your period.

On anger management in general, here is a page from the APA that explains a lot of this, and anger in general: http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx#

That can give you an idea of the kind of things a counselor or therapist could help you with, too.

[ 05-10-2010, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinElaine
Neophyte
Member # 45829

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinElaine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I mentioned my period because that was the only reason I wasn't getting sex at the time.

I get really turned on and then I have to let it turn off [Frown] boo

thank you for the link!

Posts: 14 | From: Texas | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, you don't HAVE to. You do always have your own two hands.

If that doesn't feel like it even comes close to satisfying what you feel you're missing, then what you feel you're missing probably isn't actually about physical sensation, but the desire for your partner's attention or maybe even basic physical affection that doesn't have to be sexual.

In other words, our bodies really don't actually know the diff between sex with ourselves and sex with our partners, really. It's our hearts and minds that do. Understand what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinElaine
Neophyte
Member # 45829

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinElaine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
oh! and my last period was like a freak-period that lasted 4 weeks (yes I went to the Doctor- I'm just that irregular)I pretty much went crazy. I hope no one ever has to deal with a period like that for as long as the world goes on.
I guess it's not "a lot" like you're thinking.
mostly just when I'm on my period, and then times when it's been inconvenient, such as a night when sleep was very important.
I just get upset everytime. :/ and it doesn't go away until I masturbate or get it.

Posts: 14 | From: Texas | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It still sounds as if it does happen fairly frequently, if it happens most of the time you have your period, and sometimes in between as well. But really the ideal is that you don't get angry every time an orgasm isn't achieved (even if it isn't extremely frequently, it's still a problem) -- that you are able to manage those feelings properly and healthily. And the best way to learn to recognize and deal with those feelings is by seeing a counselor; they can really help [Smile]

I'd also just like to point out that having your period doesn't mean it's impossible to have any kind of sex or that you shouldn't. Maybe in terms of convenience (like not wanting to get any blood on anyone's sheets and not having an old towel available to throw down) you're avoiding it which makes sense, but I just wanted to make sure you know there's really nothing wrong or gross about having sex or masturbating during your period. And as Heather said, you have your own two hands, so even during your period if your boyfriend does not want to have sex, you can still masturbate.

[ 05-10-2010, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3