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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » sex, masturbation, foreplay, and my girlfriend (Page 6)

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Author Topic: sex, masturbation, foreplay, and my girlfriend
OWL Dan
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Congratulations on taking that first step Tyler!!! [Big Grin] I know how hard it must have been for you. Just remember my advice when there are rough times, just keep saying to yourself “I Am Worth It!!”, and it should help you get through them.
Best Wishes and Take Care! [Smile]
Dan

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Dan

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peterg
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Thanks, and my meeting was moved to tomorrow (friday) but that'll be fine.

Ya, but I'm kinda worried though, cause I'm a junior in high school this year, and I'm 17 years old now.

If I'm put into foster care, I'll be turning 18 in August, and I still have to finish my senior year, and from what I know, I think foster care's only for minors, so I'm kinda woried about what'll happen when I'm 18 and starting my senior year in high school...

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OWL Dan
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I hear your concern, but I can't answer that one either. They will able to answer these types of questions though. Thankfully you won't have to wait much longer to start getting answers. I can't be certain but I would hope that fact that you are still in high school would play a major part.

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Dan

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peterg
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Thanks, and I know you people at scarleteen aren't suppose to advise family problems as much as you do sexual problems, but I'm just going to keep you posted on how I'm doing with this, if you don't mind.

Well, yesterday, I think the police liason at our school contacted my mom. And last night we talked...

At first, my parents didn't know what we were talking about, even though they should've known from past refrences.

Well, we talked about the situation, and they brought up my premature birth, and how they helped me there, by staying alive, and how they kept me out of special ed classes, the sexting incedent my freshmen year, and me running away.

We also talked about the name calling, foster care, why I'm doing this, and such.

I also told my parents that I'm a Buddhist, they weren't so happy about that, they said that I'm "worshipping false idols" because they're Christian. I simply replied with the first amendment, "Freedom of religion."

Also, today, I had my meeting with the social worker. She talked to me about what was going on, and such, and I told her stuff as well, like the things they were saying, who's been saying it, why they might've been saying these things, the sexting thing, me running away, me being a Buddhist. I also told her about this site, and how I've been tell you this stuff, and we talked about the DCFS. She was really understanding, and she's having the police liason call my parents again.

Also, I'm going to record how many times my family says something mean to me, which is a lot. And we, the social worker and I, have another meeting on Monday, and then I'll show her the results of how many times they've said something.

Thanks again. [Smile]

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Heather
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Hey Tyler: you took a big step setting up and attending that meeting.

I'm proud of you! Well done in taking care of yourself. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OWL Dan
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Way To Go Tyler!!!

I am very proud of you too! [Big Grin] It's great that you followed through with this. Keep up the good work. I look forward to hearing how you're doing.

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Dan

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peterg
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Thanks, and friday, we, my family and I, talked some more about the issue, and when my brother was called down, I asked him, "Why do you call me gay, stupid, and such?" He replied, "Cause some of the things you do are stupid."

Personally I don't see how that justifies anything, cause he's still calling me stupid within his "explanation". Also he calls the books I read "girl books" and some of the tv shows I watch, "gay" or "something only fags watch".

I don't get it, sure, I don't watch some of the same shows as him, but it's all tv, so why should he discriminate?!

This weekend I went to a wedding reception in Iowa, and I got to drive, well, on the way down, and back home, my dad kept yelling at me for what I should be doing, like braking and changing lanes, etc. But I would've easily none that on my own time, when I thought was appropriate for me to do that certain action.

In psych the other day, we learned about Authoritaian parenting, and that's what I think I have, cause they always tell me what to do, it's like I have no say. they want everything done now and the way they want it done. like last year when I was picking my classes for this year, I had to sit wtih they, and they, for the most part, picked my classes out. like I wanted to take a poetry class, because I like writing poetry, and they wouldn't let me take it. and I wanted to stay in the same band class, but they made me move up. See, it was THEY that did all that, not ME or I, THEY.

Today in psych we were learning about Erickson's stage thing, and one of them out of 8 was, #5, Adolescence- Identity Versus Role Confusion and what is stated was this, "Teenager works on refining a sense of self by testing roles, then inergrating them to form a single identity."

And that's exactly what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to find myself, by becoming a Buddhist, and attempting to do things for myself, like make my own decisions.

Good thing over the summer, I'll be turning 18, which means I won't have to listen to my parents anymore, but they'll most likely want me to move out then, which in that case would be hard, with no place to go, and still having to finish my senior year... I'm sure I'll figure something out by then.

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Heather
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Was there anyone mediating this family talk?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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peterg
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no, it was just me, my dad, mom, and brother.

Also I just found out that my brother's friend, came over today, he's still here now, and his friend brought pot with him, and he started smoking it, and my brother said that he'd smoke it if I did it, but of course I wasn't going to do it because 1. I didn't want to. and 2. it goes against the Buddhist precept, "Knowing how deeply our lives intertwine, I undertake the training to protect the clarity of the mind, and avoid intoxicants."

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Heather
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I think it's probably ideal that with conversations like that with your family, you ask your social services advocate if she would help moderate and mediate them, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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peterg
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Ya, maybe so.

Well yesterday, on facebook, I decided to change my religion to Buddhist, and my mom found out, and told me not to. and I asked why and she said that she felt embarrassed, and I once again asked why, and she said because ppl will think I'm wierd, etc.

But from what I know and think, I think that this goes against my Constitutional rights, religious feedom, and frred of expression.

Do you think that's true that this goes against my rights? because I think that's infrigment upon my rights, as a United States citizen, and last time I checked, and for about the last 100, if nnot more years, that was illegeal to do, and is punishable by law.

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Heather
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I think that talking about your constitutional rights around this with your parents is simply not productive. besides the fact that as a minor, your rights aren't protected the same way as those of adults (I'm not cool with that, but that is the case), and besides the fact that many kinds of Buddhism aren't considered a religion by Buddhists, I just don't think this is the way to go for a productive exchange.

Instead, how about seeing if you can't have a conversation in which you ask your Mom if she could try and be supportive of what you're exploring right now, and tell her what it is you value about Buddhism. As I recall, your parents are Christian, yes? If so, there are actually a lot of intersections between Buddhism and Christianity you two could share and talk about together.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OWL Dan
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I agree with Heather, it would be in your best interest to have someone at your sessions with your parents to be able to keep it productive and intervene when things start to slip. As to your status on Facebook, I understand what you are saying. I would suggest though, while you are still living at home, that you look at different conflicts and ask yourself which ones are worth standing firm and which ones can you bargain with for other things. I am not saying that you should give up yourself or give in, but to look at what things are worth the possible fight and which ones are flexible enough to be productive in keeping the peace (at least for the time being) for your own sake. [Wink]

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Dan

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peterg
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ok, thanks. [Smile] idk when my next meeting with the social worker is, it might be today, but idk for sure, but I hope it's soon.
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peterg
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ok, so over the weekend, some people I know chatted with me on facebook, and they were saying stuff like "how big do you think my boobs are" and "what colour bra should I wear"

I answered the one about the boob size, but stated that size is not the most important thing, what's more important is the person's personality.

Well, It was reallly misleading to me, because I thought that these people where coming on to me, cause I was being turned on by them. but it turns out that they were just playing mind games with me. [Frown] and I tried to ask them why they did it but they just replied "idk"

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OWL Dan
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Unfortunately, some people's sense of humor isn't always appropriate. I am guessing that they didn’t mean anything bad by it if they replied “idk” ; they might have been bored.

Have you had a chance to talk with your social worker about having someone mediate your sessions with your family? You could always call them about this.

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Dan

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peterg
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Ya, and no I haven't talked to her about it.

But right now my brother is reading a book in which a girl form the 1800's is being abused my her caregiver. I stated to him that I would read it if it had a more modern setting.

He said "of course you would" in an obnoxious way, and I asked him wha's that suppose to mean, and he said "because you read girl books" I asked him how they are girl books, and how and since when were books gender specific? He simply said "they're girl books cause the main character is a girl, and it's written by a girl, and books are kinda gender specific." I replied, "since when, and I can read any book I want, I can read books that are written by women in which the main character is a girl and vice versa, for the different number of possibilities. And a girl can read a book by a guy who the main character is a guy. It doesn't matter, I can read what ever I want.

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Heather
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Tyler: while I really think you all need your social worker mediating in some of this, in the meantime, would you like some tips with some basic de-escalation with the dynamics so often going on? And some cues that might help you stand up for yourself while NOT engaging in some of this bait and de-escalating?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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peterg
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yes, if you would share those tips, I'd appreciate it [Smile]

Adn my sister came home on thursday, and she, and my brother, are already making fun of me, because of the current book I'm reading "Tricks" by Ellen Hopkins. and they called it a "girl book" and idk why cause the book contains 3 girls and 2 guys as the main characters.

Also in school, we took the PLAN ACT test, idk if you've heard of it, but it's like a prepitory ACT test and you have to fill out a portion of it and it was about religious colleges, and I put Buddhism down, as my religion, I felt so in control. [Smile]

also I learned that although it's my constitution right to freedom of religion, it's not my "family right" and I guess my family can force me to go to church, and there's nothing I can do about it, sadly [Frown]

Also On friday, my friends in my 8th hour class were making fun of me, cause I update my status on facebook a lot, and it's about a lot of quotes, and/or poetry, or my poetic ideas.

I post the quotes because they help me with different things, and I find them inspiring and motivational, and I want to share them with others. [Smile]

and earlier in this year, I wanted to write 2 poems one titled "Teenage Boy" the other "Teenage Girl"

In order to better understand what teenage females go throught, I posted on facebook asking women if they'd like to tell me about their experiences as a teenager. and I gave them the option of remaining anomonysis.

Really only one girl came to me to help me with this poem, which I decided to scratch both poems in the end.

But they were just making fun of me and saying how I'll be the next "creeper" and making references to the movie "Grown ups" because apperantly there's a creepy guy in the movie.

I didn't mean any harm by any of my postings, but I think they took it wrong. I just want to try and capture all peoples with in my poetry.

Out of all the 9 other ppl in my class, 2 of the girls were supportive of me, Katie, and Jessica, and I shared some of my poetry with them, and I even wrote acrostic poems for them. And they were really defensive for me, and I thank them of it [Smile] 7 ppl made fun of me while only 2 helped and supported me. I wish however, that it was the other way around. but nonetheless, I am thankful for Jessica, and Katie for being the nice ones to me. [Smile]

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Kalex
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Hi Tyler,
I've been following your thread for a while, and while our situations are fairly different, I'm a writer too. I know what it's like to have your book choices sneered at. I was wondering if your school has any writing classes? Mine had one for Grade Twelve, but kids in other years could take it if they wanted. It was so nice to be in an environment where people actually shared my interests. Also, if there are any teen book clubs in your area, that's a great way to meet fellow writers.

I don't know much about poetry (about the only form of poetry I can manage is a haiku), but I read constantly and wanted to give you some book suggestions. Have you read any Neil Gaiman? He's written some incredibly cool stuff, especially his two short story collections. The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud has one of the most entertaining characters ever, plus a whole lot of political intrigue and magic. I recently finished Omnitopia by Diane Duane, and was totally blown away.

I'm sorry your brother won't read things because they're 'girl books'. Geez. Girl or boy, we're the same species. Have you read any Tamora Pierce? Her female main characters kick some serious butt, and her guy characters are just as cool. She has a lot of books out, but you can probably start anywhere in the series.

People can be incredibly insensitive. I hope you and your family can come to some kind of understanding. Happy reading!

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peterg
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Thanks. And ya, my school has a specific "All About Poetry" class which I plan on taking next year [Smile] And I'll look into it, thanks [Smile]
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peterg
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Man, so I have to write a midterm paper for english, and all the topics are sad, and we have to reference it to the Scarlet Letter. And I can only seem to right about my experiences with me running away, being Buddhist, writing poetry, and being discriminated against by my family and some friends. :/ idk if I can do this, and it's due at midnight tonight on www.turnitin.com and because of the topics idk if I really want to do it :/ and it counts for 50% of our final exam grade in januaray [Frown]
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Heather
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(Tyler: I'm afraid I'm out ill today, but I'll likely be back in the swing of things tomorrow. When I am, I'll swing by and talk to you about some deescalation helps.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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peterg
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Ok, Thanks Heather. Just rest for now and hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow [Smile] Get well soon.
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OWL Dan
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Tyler,

There are many things in life we find that we need to do (or need not to do), even if we don't like it or want to, because the end result would either be something we want or that the consequences would be undesirable. School and jobs are like this. My advice is to choose which ever topic you can do the quickest and still get a decent grade. You will also find that in order to get along with some people that the same situation applies too. I am not saying that you have to be friends with every one you meet or that you have to give up part of who you are either. But, there are times when you will need to make choices as to what will have the best end result for you (please also review my post from 11/9). I’m sorry to hear that your friends are giving you grief also. Please think of what I’ve told you and apply it to situations involving your friends too.

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Dan

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peterg
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ok, thanks.

And I did end up typing my paper on my current experiences, within, my family. I put in a side note for my teacher telling her not to report it because I have already done so. And she said that she understood, and I'm glad she did [Smile]

Here's what I wrote, if you'd like to read it (I think it's quite crafty, with the way I set it up):

"I saw someone getting discriminated against because of the books he reads, the friends he has, his religious beliefs, and because he writes poetry. His discrimination usually happens on a daily basis, and, typically, for no reason at all. People call him, “gay”, and/or “stupid”, and for what reason? He is not any of those, yet people think he is because of the things he does.

He has told a select few friends about his dilemmas, and they help him a lot through it all, and he couldn’t be happier to have his friends with him, to help support him, when he truly needs someone to be there for him and he’s really thankful to have his friends. He is discriminated against because of his friends, most of them being girls; they call him “gay” because he has only a few guy friends.

During the past couple of months, he’s read books on Buddhism, and has adopted Buddhist practices. At home, his parents make him go to church, and think he’s weird for converting to Buddhism, when living in a Christian home. And although it’s guaranteed by the Constitution “Freedom of religion”, apparently his parents can make him go to church because the government can’t interfere with families.

He’s currently reading the book Tricks by Ellen Hopkins. And his family calls them “girl books” and him “gay” for reading them, but because the main characters are girls, but in ¬Tricks, and ¬Impulse, by the same author, these books contain main characters that are both female and male, while her other books, have some secondary characters that are also male. I don’t see why they would do this to him, but I think it’s wrong, because books have never been “gender specific” and guys can read books written by girls that feature girl characters just like girls can read books written by guys that feature guy characters. I see no difference, between the two, and the discrimination he receives due to the books he reads is wrong, and unneeded.

The guy is also discriminated against because he enjoys writing poetry. His parents think that writing poetry is a “feminine” thing to do, when really it’s not, because throughout history, we’ve had many great male poets, such as Shakespeare, and Hughes, among others. He writes about love, feelings, and personal experiences within his poems, and also writes some for his friends. He also tries to write about all the people in his poems and about the common experiences for teenagers. He goes day by day wearing different masks to hide his emotions, emotions he rarely shows to the public, but it’s hard to mask them all the time. In the Scarlet Letter Hawthorne expresses this quite well, “No man can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting puzzled as to which is the true one.” (Hawthorne, 187).
Lastly, I’d personally like to thank him, because recently, he has turned to someone, and has meetings with the social worker. After a couple of years of putting up with this, he’s finally doing something about it, things have been getting better for him, however, there is still some discriminating going on, but is, in some cases, of lesser degrees. And I’m glad that he’s starting to seek out help, and I can only hope that this will finally be put to an end.

I hope that things will continue to get better and that he knows that I’ll always be here for him, as a friend, because... this is me, and my story.

**Side note: Dear, Mrs. Teacher: I kindly ask that you please not report this, I know that as a teacher, if you happen to come across something along these lines, that you should report it. But I kindly ask that you don’t report it, because I have already done so, and I am, as mentioned above, dealing with this by talking with the social worker. I’d really appreciate it if you’d keep this between us. I choose to write about this because it has been on my mind lately, and it has to do a lot about the topics from which we had to choose from, such as numbers, 1, 5 and 10. I really just needed to tell someone, someone I could trust. And I tend to write about my feelings with in my poetry as well. If you want to talk to me about this, after class or some time, you may. I’d really appreciate it if you could just keep this between us. Thanks Mrs. Teacher**

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Heather
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Thanks for waiting on me, Tyler.

That's a really powerful paper.

As far as descalation goes, I think we can probably use your interest in Buddhism to help you out a lot here, since a lot of Buddhist practice strongly supports ways of speaking and communicating that are peaceful and accepting.

Can you fill me in on what type of Buddhism you've been studying?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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peterg
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Sorry for the wait, I would've replied earlier, but after school yesterday, there was a tornado warning, so we had to go in the hallway, and when I got home, the internet was out.

And also yesterday when our internet went out, my brother wanted to see what I was doing, thinking it was my fault that the internet went out, because he was playing Xbox Live. and so I showed him, and at the time I was in the process if typing this, and he asked what this was, and I told him, I just tell ppl about myself." and he asked "why's it called sex, foreplay, masuturbation, and my girlfriend?" I said that "it's cause that's what I titled it.
" but now, he has something really really personal and secretive about me, that he can use to bring me down at any given time. and I mean with all this stuff on here, if anyone in my family were to read this... i don't even want to contemplate what would happen or what they'd think. [Frown] I can only hope that my brother forgets about this quickly, the name of this article, and the name of the website. caus I really don't want them to find out any of this...

And thanks for reading my paper.

And as for my Buddhist practices, I'm not practicing any specific type of Buddhism as of now, but more Buddhism in general, I got most of my information from a book that is geared more towards teens, titled, "Wide Awake: A Buddhist Guide For Teens" by Diana Winston.

I've learned about 5 Buddhist precepts which are:
Knowing how deeply our lives intertwine I undertake the traing to...
1. ... Avoid harming living beings
2. ... Only take what is freely given to me.
3. ... Avoid sexual misconduct.
4. ... Avoid hurting others through harsh, hurtful speech.
5. ... Protect the clarity of my mind through avoiding intoxicants.

The Four Noble Truths:
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

The Eightfold Path:
1. Right View
2. Right Intention
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration

About Karma, which means that if something good happens to you, something bad will follow and vice versa, and can occur at any time and combination.

I learned about The Kalama Sutta, which is the teaching that you should trust your direct experience and that you should not believe something because you have heard it before, it’s an old tradition, it’s written in religious texts or books, superficially it seems true, logically or philosophically it seems to be true, or when teachers, elders, or famous people say it’s true. So only believe something if you studied it first, and you want it to be true, to you. The Kalama Sutta also states that questioning is healthy because when you question things, you usually get some kind of confirmation from someone, so you know that if what you believe is true or not.

I have learned about the Eight Worldly Conditions:
Pleasure and Pain, Gain and Loss, Fame and Dishonor, and Praise and Blame. And the Eight Worldly Condtions always come and go together.

I also learned about meditation, and how to breathe while meditating, and walking meditation.

I also learned about some of the Buddhist termonolgy, and about the history of the Buddha.

That's a nutshell of what I know, but I hope to be learning more, and if I keep this up, some day, going to India, where most Tibetians, including His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, and practice Buddhism there to fully understand it from where it originated.

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peterg
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Hey Heather, I posted the stuff I learned about Buddhism for you on Tuesday, of last week. it's in the previous post. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. [Smile]
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Heather
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Okay.

So, I think a good place to start might be with attachment.

Can you see how in some of these conversations you have with your family, you're attached to a certain outcome, like convincing them to support you or understand you when they're obviously not going to do that?

And how because you're attached to that outcome, you wind up making yourself suffer more (they're causing you suffering too, mind, this is not just about your actions, by any means) by pushing the envelope a lot of the time rather than just letting them think whatever it is they are going to think instead of trying to push them to places they clearly are not going to go?

Something else I'd suggest where you can probably see some connections with the Buddhism you study is about protecting yourself. You know that your brother is not going to treat you with sensitivity: this has been proven to you again and again. If and when you choose to make yourself vulnerable to him -- like by showing him something personal like this thread -- he's only going to cause you more suffering. So, you may need to act a little more in your own self protection by keeping some of the things closest to your heart and head more private, sharing them only with people you know are emotionally safe for you.

(By the by, you can make a new thread to keep talking to us if you like. You don't have to stick to this one.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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peterg
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Good idea Heather, I'll start a new tread after I post this one...
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peterg
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I'm going to delete this whole entire post, for security reasons.
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peterg
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Heather or other adminisrator, I'm the person who started this story, and I was wondering if you could please delete this entire thing, just so my parents don't find out about it. :/ I'd really appreciate it. Thanks [Smile]
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September
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We don't usually delete threads unless the user's safety is at stake. Why don't you go ahead and send us a message via the Contact Us button at the bottom of the page, and we'll talk this over with you.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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