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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I've never had an orgasm

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Author Topic: I've never had an orgasm
[lozzz]x
Neophyte
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I know this can be a problem for a lot of girls, but its just I have tried everything. Masturbation, my boyfriend has fingered me a lot and he does oral a lot as well, but I find it hard to actually enjoy any of it. Some of the time I am pressuring myself to come and I know that's wrong, so I've tried my best to stop doing it. But even when I have, it doesn't always feel good, more like I can just feel it. It really gets me down as my boyfriend seems to get all the pleasure and I just get the actions but no feelings. Its really hard to explain, I hope someone can give me some advice, thank you [Smile]
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[lozzz]x
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Please can someone help me! [Frown]
Posts: 13 | From: england | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
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Are you making sure that you're very aroused and wanting sex (whether that's masturbation or partnered sex) before you even get to the physical part? Orgasm happens primarily in the brain, and if we're not relaxed and really wanting that physical contact, it's going to be really difficult to get there.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Sally_Yllas
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I used to have to same problem. Then I started using an electric toothbrush to stimulate my clit when I masturbated, and once I orgasmed on my own I found it a hell of a lot easier to do it with my boyfriend.
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[lozzz]x
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Sometimes I'm aroused. Sometimes my boyfriend seems to rush into the physical stuff before I'm ready. I suppose that's it [Frown] But then I can't do it on my own either, it feels the same?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, both about orgasm and also about boundaries and healthy sexual dynamics, it can only help to make clear to your boyfriend that he needs to work with your pace, not push forward into any kind of sex when you're just not feeling it yet or not feeling ready. In other words, that'd be important even if you WERE reaching orgasm, know what I mean?

And if you aren't experiencing pleasure in masturbation or the sex you're having, not only is orgasm unlikely, it doesn't make sense to keep doing those things. Are you saying you're not even feeling any pleasure?

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[lozzz]x
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Yeah I do see what you mean.

Sometimes I do feel pleasure, but it kind of goes away and just feels like I'm touching any other part of me. Sometimes I don't get it at all. I am trying lots of different things but it all kinda feels the same. [Frown]

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Heather
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Okay.

So, when that happens, what that usually means is one of two things (or both):

1) You stopped being aroused (turned on) anymore. and/or
2) You or your partner need to change the way you're being touched, whether that's changing up the speed, how hard or soft, or about switching to a different sexual activity altogether.

It's probably obvious that all of that involves communicating with your partner throughout. If he's doing things that don't feel good or faster than you want, and you aren't saying anything, that suggests your communication could likely use some work.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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[lozzz]x
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Hmmm I guess so. He always tells me to tell him what to do while we're doing it but I for some reason get nervous about it, and I can only tell him after. But I think it's probably more the arousal thing anyway.
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Heather
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Okay, so do you think you'll be able to communicate more on this all around, including communicating when you're just not feeling enough desire and arousal to either have sex in the first place, or when you need something else/more time to get feeling that first?

As well, being able to say what you want and need during sex is a skill you'll want to work on, especially if you want to enjoy sex and also potentially reach orgasm. Information afterwards is only so helpful, especially since what feels good one day might not the next.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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[lozzz]x
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Yeah, I'll try to. I suppose I just don't really want to kill the mood by talking half way through :S
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Heather
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You know, a lot of young people have the idea that there's no talking in sex, an idea I think is probably gotten from how sex is shown in media.

But in real life, people who have good sex lives DO talk and communicate during sex, and it's not a mood-killer so long as what you're saying isn't critical in a crappy way.

In other words, things like, "That feels great, please keep doing that," or "Can we shift to this position?" or "Can you do that a little faster?" or "Let's try this..." none of those things are "mood killing."

But of course, if and when things are happening you don't want, don't like, or need to just have stop, YOUR mood is already "killed," so not saying anything to sustain someone else's fantasy of what's going on, or just what they want, just isn't in alignment with a healthy sex life that's good for everyone involved. And a sexual partner who really cares about you, and about the mutuality of your sex life, is earnestly NOT going to want to do things that don't feel good for you, that you don't want or are painful.

I'd say if your partner has been asking for you to tell him these things during sex, he's made very clear HE doesn't thin they're mood killers, and he's also voicing something sound you both need.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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[lozzz]x
Neophyte
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Thank you for the advice [Smile] I will try to talk to him a lot more during things like that. He has gone away for a week right now so hopefully everything will go okay when he gets back [Smile] Thank you!
Posts: 13 | From: england | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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