posted
Hi, I'm new to the forum and to asking questions this way so forgive me if I'm a little embarrassed.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months, in the beginning of our relationship she would get wet everytime we were intimate.
Now obviously I don't expect that level of excitement to last, but here's my problem/worry:
This is lengthy. I'm sorry, I just had to explain the strange situation clearly.
For a while now (month and a half) she has been very dry, also quite disinterested in becoming sexual, however when we are having sex she says she enjoys herself and reaches orgasm and it isn't painful or uncomfortable (and I believe her because I'm not insecure about not being good in bed and we have a very loving, understanding relationship, so there's no reason to hide anything - to put it short, when we have sex, it's good, but it's getting to sex that's not at all on her agenda anymore).
Most of the time it's difficult for her to get wet even when we are being very intimate (which I almost always initiate). This in itself is troubling and for a while we both thought that she had some issue with being dry, HOWEVER, she came home from varsity last week and (even though she is dry in the evening and on the weekends) she was really soaking wet down there every day straight after varsity.
Later in the evening on each day she would be dry again and now on the weekend she's been bone dry all the time! , but tomorrow is monday and I'll be willing to bet she'll come home dripping again. When I asked her what she thought was causing this strange (and untimely) change, she told me she had no idea, but doesn't let me stay on the subject for long.
Ordinarily I'm not an insecure guy and we have a good relationship (even to the point that finding other people attractive is not an issue as long as we are both faithful), I asked if she was attracted to any of the guys at college (which isn't a crime and I wouldn't have been upset, but might explain what has been going on), but she completely denied the notion flat out, also changing the subject quite quickly.
As I said earlier, I'm not an insecure guy, but I know nothing about female physiology and I just really want someone to tell me that girl's who are really dry with their boyfriends can sometimes get wet like this (after varsity each day etc...), because of ... various reasons that I'm not aware of right now.
Thanks to anyone who'd be willing to read all that and help me out!
Posts: 3 | From: South Africa | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
First of all, you two both know that many people use lubricants with sex, yes? In other words, anytime any of us wants to be wetter, all we have to do is grab for the lube.
That said, any new medications for her recently? Birth control pills? Changes in diet?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63240 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hi, we have been using lubricant recently. She started a weight loss pill about 3 months ago which might be why she has a loss of libido and is getting dry (but doesn't explain the getting wet).
To be honest my main question is about her getting wet only after varsity. Each weekday she comes home pretty wet (wet when she arrives not once she's been here for a while), but a few hours later she's dry again, also she's dry on the weekends which she spends at home. Is her getting wet only after varsity something that can be happening innocently in a situation like this.
To be honest, I'm getting irrationally worried, stemming from the wetness occuring only after varsity (which I can't understand) and because of her loss in interest in me sexually.
I really need some perspective, because as far as I know girls get wet when aroused (unless they've been sweating a lot down there, but this isn't sweat) and I'm not sure how probable or possible it is that this is occuring without some kind of stimulation.
Has she lost interest in me and found someone else? I'm not looking for a yes or no answer, rather the chances that all of this is completely innocent and happens to girls.
I'm a rational guy (most of the time) and just want to quash my fears based on facts (seeing as I know very little about female physiology).
P.s. Thanks for taking the time to help me
Posts: 3 | From: South Africa | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I think you are taking a WHOLE lot of leaps here.
When we exercise, we sweat, which can also happen around/inside the vulva. As well, exercise gets our circulation working better, and also has some hormonal effects. As well, exercise all by itself can rev some of our libidos up, if you have never experienced that yourself. Just like w/men, women's sexuality isn't only about a partner: it's also about ourselves and parts of our lives where there are no partners or sexual interest in others at all.
Yes, her being wet right after exercise can be related to nothing other than the fact of her getting exercise.
Regardless, whether or not someone's vagina is lubricating is not a sound way to gauge a woman's interest in you. Some women have issues with self-lubrication, and there are also times in our fertility cycle when we are drier than others, sometimes no matter how into someone we are.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63240 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Ok, Maybe it seems like I'm just being an unreasonable jerk, but let me give a little background on the last 2 weeks to show why my trust has been shaken. (However I still accept, I might be taking leaps)
Throughout our relationship, I've caught her out on a quite a few lies (not big lies, but some of them have to do with her and other guys). One lie was that one of her friends used to like her, but she never liked him so nothing ever happended AT ALL, which she was very clear about (if something had happened it would have been before we dated so of course I wouldn't have had an issue with it - I've had more partners than her and have no issue with stuff like that -, which she knows), but the other week one of her friends let slip that they'd kissed in the past (no big deal EXCEPT the lie) when I confronted her she denied again, but gave it up once she realised I knew. She said she didn't tell me because she never really cared for him and it didn't matter so she thought she'd spare me the details (???), then she swore she was sorry and that she wouldn't do anything like that again, from now on she'd tell me the truth even if she thought it didn't matter, but last weekend she received two messages on her cell and when she went downstairs I snooped (not cool I know, but my trust had been a bit shaken) and saw that it was the same guy (they're friends and sometimes do a little business together so there was a reason for them to be in contact). Anyway, I went downstairs and asked her who it was that messaged her (maybe not cool, but I needed to hear her tell me the truth) and she replied that it was a number she didn't recognize (however his name was on both messages and in her contacts), I asked if she was sure and she said "yes, of course I'm sure", I then asked if I could check and she just waited to see if I was serious and said "Ok, wait, actually it was him". This time she said she didn't tell me because she new I'd get upset.
Now I am having a lot of trouble trusting what she says because I've realised that she's perfectly capable of lying to me, with a straight face, about things she thinks might end up causing her/us issues.
To me, your word is your bond, especially with the one you love, I'm really not sure how to trust what she's telling me anymore and I'm starting to worry that she MIGHT have an interest on the side, but I'd never be able to find out. Am I being paranoid and unreasonable, because that's what she says.
I'm scared of damaging things without a real cause, but I've also been a fool before and been cheated on and lied to (by an ex long ago), so I'm feeling very torn. I love her, but I won't stand for infidelity, I'm just not sure if that's what's going on or how I could ever be sure.
The easy answer (and probably the right one) is, leave her because you don't trust her anymore and you'll never feel right or sure again (which is no life to live), but it's much harder to do that once you're emotionally involved and love the person so please bear that in mind.
Posts: 3 | From: South Africa | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I think our best bet is to separate the issues you (two) are having with trust from her body.
In other words, please understand that we really have limited control over our bodies, and how they respond isn't always a good way to make assumptions. For example, young men will often get erections, say in the middle of history class or during dinner with a parent. We'd be assuming way too much if we assumed that meant they thought Apartheid or their father was sexually appealing. Get my gist?
So, let's leave her vulva or vagina out of this, okay?
First things first: with the things she's been dishonest about, do you feel like she felt fully able to be honest about them with you? I'm not saying that the responsibility for her being honest lies solely with you. Rather, if and when partners are very jealous or behave that way, it can feel like it's not emotionally safe to be honest about that kind of stuff for a lot of people. I hear you saying here you'd be fine with it, but I also hear you saying you've had big issues with trust, and are assuming the dryness of her vagina sometimes means she may have sexual interest in someone else. You also are talking about looking at her private phone to snoop on who called. In other words, I'm picking up some conflict between what you're saying the case is with you and how you are reacting/behaving.
It might help to recognize that any one of us, at any time, including when we're with people we really love and are into, often have attraction to or interest in others. Where trust comes in is knowing that that doesn't mean a person will choose to pursue those interests.
As well, trust is something we have to mutually build together, and provide an environment for. Snooping, for example, doesn't support an environment where trust can be built.
We really can't ever be 100% sure that a partner is being monogamous when they agree to that. Ideally, we're only creating those relationships and agreements with people we trust in the first place.
Certainly, leaving a relationship is one option, however, it's by no means the only one. And if you know for yourself that a lot of the issues with trust are yours, leaving relationships probably won't help very much, since you'll keep coming to them with these issues.
have you two been able to sit down and have a calm, safe talk about your issues with trust, including how they got triggered by when she was dishonest? I'm not talking about asking anyone to make promises or agreements right away, just truly, deeply talking all of this out, first.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63240 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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